Need help with family crisis.

[kris_m]

Not sure where to start really. 
my partner and I have been living with my parents for the past year but things have recently taken a turn for the worst. ive been having some issues with my sisters partner (they live separately), he’s really picked on me for years and personally attacks me to get a reaction on purpose. On Christmas Eve things got really bad and he really made me angry. For my family’s sake I just moved on with the evening to keep the peace but by this point I was done with him and the way he treats me. I’ve been harbouring with emotion and anger over what to do then on Friday afternoon I finally opened up to my parents about how I’m feeling about how he treats me and that I’m done with his behaviour. This turned into a rip roaring argument for hours with my mum pretty much defending him saying that’s just how he is as a person and that I should pretty much get over it and my feelings were valid. My partner got home from work and could see I was visibly upset. I told him and he defended me

to my mum and backed up the bullying behaviour by my sisters partner. My partner was in no way rude or anything just mum and him raising their voices at each other. In the end my mum decided to turn things personal and started attacking my partner saying he’s not perfect and that she’s got a whole lot of issues with him and when we both asked her to please share these issues to talk through she simply refused. Behind my partners back today I heard her making snide comments about his job not being good enough he doesn’t earn enough money and she just all of a sudden hates him. 
I think I’m done with my mother. It feels like she will always choose my sister and her partner over me and my own feelings. 

[indigo22]

Hi kris_m,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear how hard things have been with the family recently. Family is hard to navigate at the best of times, without the clashing of personalities. You would think that it should be easier than any other relationships, but unfortunately that is not the case.

The first thing I am wondering is if your sister is aware of how you are feeling about her partners treatment of you. It sounds to me like you need to set some very strict boundaries about what you will or won't tolerate from other people. I know that it is not always easy, but it is necessary if you don't want to continue dealing with unkind and thoughtless behaviour. It took me a long time to realise this and it did not go down well when I began implementing my boundaries, particularly with my mother. There is a lot of courage involved in standing up for yourself, but you have the right to be treated with respect, and at the moment it sounds like that is lacking with the people around you.

I would be happy to continue a conversation with you on this and help you in whatever way I can.

Take care,

indigo

[kris_m]

Hi thanks so much for replying. 

my sister is aware that we have clashed over the years and she has had talks with him to stop over the years but he doesn’t listen. 
I did message my sister after things blew up with my mum but my mum had already bad mouthed both myself and my partner and made us out to have said all these horrible things about her partner so she won’t speak to me now either. 

the worse thing is my partner and I thought we’d be the bigger people and we apologised to my mum (even though we feel we didn’t need to) she completely shut us down was rude to us belittled us and said we will be and can do nothing without her. 

[indigo22]

Hi again,

You are in a very frustrating situation, has the relationship with your mother always been this way, or is it a recent development? I'm sorry to hear your sister has made a decision to shut you out without hearing both sides of the story, that hardly seems fair.

Is there any way you will be able to move in the near future? Even if it is to a shared house arrangement until you can get out on your own. Living with constant tension will wear you down eventually, and will also have an effect on your relationship with your partner over time.

I'm not sure what else to suggest at the moment until I know a bit more about your situation.

I'll be here if you want to continue the conversation.

Take care,

indigo

[therising]

Hi kris_m

What an incredibly stressful environment for you and your partner to find yourselves in right now. I really feel for you so much, given how it sounds like you could cut the air with a knife in the house.

It also sounds like you've got a great support in your partner there, with him having your back in regard to your sister's partner and his behaviour. Apart from yourself, it sounds like your partner's the only upstanding person when it comes to recognising that behaviour's just not on. It can be enraging hey, to hear people say stuff along the lines of 'Oh, that's just the way that person is. You just need to learn to deal with it and not take it so personally'. May as well be told 'Why can't you just add yourself to the list of people who enable their behaviour. Why can't you just be an enabler?'. When some people pick and pick and pick, for their own personal amusement, it's called having fun at someone else's expense and the cost to that person (that 'someone else') can be their self esteem. Good for you for no longer being willing to tolerate things.

One of the things I discovered about learning to channel my intolerant facet of self to life more is...it doesn't win you any popularity contests, unless your standing up for someone else (being the hero for them). When you're upstanding for yourself, it can earn you some labels, that's for sure. While some I can't write here, as they'd be edited out by the moderators, others can be 'Difficult', 'Challenging', 'Offensive' and the list goes on. I figure, in learning to channel the most upstanding part of our self (which can be our intolerant facet at times), it pays to also learn to wear those labels as kinda badges of honour. You get them for honouring yourself. And if people wish to ask 'What's led you to become such a b***h these days?', I figure a fair response is 'I'm directing the people pleaser in me to take more of a back seat lately'. I found the thing is that those who show us respect, consideration, compassion and all such things, never  or rarely ever trigger our intolerant facet to life. That part of us tends to come to our aid typically when we need it.

[kris_m]

Hi,

we’ve gone through periods before of not speaking and also times of being really close. About 10 years ago it was probably as bad as it is now and I ended up self harming. She uses my mental health struggles against me and as a way of control for her I think.  

my partner and I are trying to work out what we can do. The issue is my parents promised to be a guarantor for our home loan which we were in the middle of applying for when things blew up and now she’s saying she won’t do it which really screws us over with buying a house. 

my partner is really struggling to be honest I’m more worried about him then myself at the moment. He just can’t believe how we are being treated over one argument when for four years he’s been nothing but polite and quietly spoken with my family. 

[kris_m]

Hi there thank you so much for your reply and thoughts. 

he’s the only one who has supported me and backed up what I’ve said and all he did was defend me and now he’s pretty much hated by my family and he’s really struggling with it. 

my family would always just laugh about the picking and finds everything my sisters partner does funny but if I ever bite back or react then I’m labelled as over reacting. 

im starting to suspect my mother is displaying gaslighting behaviours towards me. She says things like no one will believe you because you’re a pathological liar, or you never remember things correctly you’re overreacting. 

im in no way saying we are in the right. I feel like I should have just kept my mouth shut about my feelings towards my sisters partner and none of this would be happening right now. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore it was eating away at me. 

[indigo22]

Hi again,

It definitely sounds like your mother has a streak of narcissism and is using this situation to her advantage, my mother was like that too and my sister is a narcissist so I recognise the signs. It makes the environment very toxic. Consider very carefully having them as guarantor, you would be tied to that controlling behaviour for many years to come. Very few things bring out the worst in people like money does. I am speaking from experience with my sister so please tread carefully.

You and your partner owe it to yourselves to get out of that environment as soon as you can. Please don't let this situation lead you to self harm again, you are stronger than you think and you will get through this.

Please let me know how things are going.

Be gentle with each other,

indigo

[kris_m]

Hi indigo22,

thank you so much for taking time out of your day to reply to me I really appreciate it. 

She’s been very passive aggressive towards us for a few months now. But she is just completely blaming me for her moods and that she’s been ‘putting up’ with me and my mental health problems for 12 years. Someone yesterday mentioned to me this is a bit of gaslighting behaviour. It’s making me really start to question everything about myself, why I struggle to make decisions on my own, why I worry about everything and have anxiety in the first place. 

we have decided not to have them as guarantor. It’s a really tough situation and we feel trapped. It’s a lot more complicated than us just leaving. All our furniture is here literally everything we own is here including boxes in my mum and dad’s roof. We don’t want to rush buy a property but that was our goal to buy now but not under these circumstances. When we apologised to mum on Sunday night she pretty much told us to go to our room and we feel we can’t even come out to get food etc it’s horrible 

[indigo22]

I really do get the questioning yourself, I used to do it too.

My mother was co-dependent and taught me to be the same. They thrive on you needing them and don't want you to be independent, but at the same time judge everything you say or do.

The "gaslighting" behaviour is telling you that you have a bad memory or you are remembering it wrong. Also what you referred to "She says things like no one will believe you because you’re a pathological liar, or you never remember things correctly you’re overreacting."  This is classic narcissistic behaviour. They are incapable of thinking they are in the wrong about anything.

You do not need to question yourself, what you need to question are your thoughts about yourself. Clearly you can make decisions on your own, otherwise you would not have made the decision to join the forums.

All you are lacking is confidence at present and that will come with setting boundaries. You have every right to come and go from your room to get food or anything else you need. My mother and I had some very strained times when I set my boundaries, they do not want you to change and will try anything to bring you back to what is comfortable for them, but you need to begin to find out who you are. To do that, you need to question your thoughts about yourself.

We use coping strategies when we are young because we know we cannot survive on our own and those strategies continue into adulthood until we question whether or not those coping strategies are still relevant to us now as an adult. You would be surprised at how many automatic thoughts and behaviours we have that are based on the past but are no longer relevant today.

You do not need to buy a house straight away, if you are determined to buy rather than rent, then buy a flat or unit to begin with, something small and work your way up to a house when you have the funds to do so.

I hope this helps, if you have questions or want to talk some more, I will be here.

Be well,

indigo