A big concern regarding my children

[Terry73]

Hi,

Some of you may know my situation so I am not going to repeat it right here again, but there is a further issue in slight relation to that same topic, and it is in relation to my kids.

I love my kids dearly, I miss them so much, but I am also very aware of their own happiness and what is best for them above anything I might want. So my dilemma is this, should I just step out of my children's lives completely or not?

Here are some facts which make me feel that it may be in the best interest of my children that I do. Around August 2010 was last time I saw my kids, my daughter was 2.5 years old and my son was 8 months old, and due to my (ex)wife not allowing me contact with her or our children, I havent had any opportunity to be in contact with them, because of this, she hasnt even allowed any movement towards a custody order/parental agreement in regards to our children, now, nearly 8 years on, I have serious doubt if our children will remember me, and I have to come to a reality that if they have been informed of me at all by my (ex)wife and her family, then it probably wouldnt be in a good way.

The reality is our kids frame of mind, my (ex)wife, despite with-holding our children from me, still is a decent mother to the children (except sharing the parenting), and the few reports I have been able to get about them is that the children are happy and well. My concern is if I was to fight for my rights to see them, will that upset their lives? would it be better I let them live their lives in happiness or risk interrupting their lives?

The other side of the coin is when the children grow up and are able to make choices themselves, will they consider me or will they think I had abandoned them despite what I have tried to do to prevent that?

My kids health, both physical and mental, are always my number one priority and concern, so if I have to step out of their lives so they can lead as normal and happy a life as they can, then I would do so without a second though, even if it is of great pain to myself to do so.

I ask this here as I dont wish to approach it in an official manner until I am fully aware of what would be best, and what others think would be better in regards to this, as mentioning it to the courts could sway them into that direction of no contact, but then not mentioning it could affect our children's lives,

Regards

Terry

[blondguy]

Typo....oops

*Mediation

Sorry about that Terry

[Terry73]

Hi All,

Know its been a while since I posted, new work has kept me busy of late, and needed time to adjust to the new work style/recovery.

Today hit me hard, had police turn up at my home issuing an Intervention Order, and I cant post much regarding it due to the Orders rules, but it has me in a mixed state.

On one hand, I feel its progress as there now has to be something done and I can finally feel the "ball rolling"

BUT

Then fear hits me, fear and realization that the courts may be against me, as I know through research that the non-custodial parent is often having to play a very defensive role, having to prove innocence, even though no guilt has been proven. I have kept all relevant documentation, but still I feel that its not enough, despite saving and screenshotting texts regarding the issue.

My fear is also that no matter what happens, my voice might never be heard and the system just rules regardless of any objection I might make, thus putting me back to where it all started but with more "blockages".

I wont give up, but the thought is that I may be forced to do so, which will split me in two, shatter what ever I have pushed past in the last few years. I have done all I can to gain some form of contact with my children, with their best interests in mind the whole time, and I would endure any hardship to give my kids a chance to form their own opinion of me to decide, but now I have to come to grips with the fact my children might be too far "poisoned" against me to be able to keep an open mind to learn who I really am, even if I am able to gain some sort of contact with them. This might be how the courts see it as well and feel its in the childrens best interests to not be in contact with me (as I had read in a case sort of similar to my own), and I wouldnt blame the courts for ruling that way as I want whats best for the children too, its just that hurt is more real to me now and its hard to accept.

I havent been able to attempt mediation due to my new work over the last month, as it was something I had to postpone until I had established decent work.

I just feel so conflicted, upset, afraid, confused, betrayed, lied to and extremely vulnerable.

Any words would help at this stage, even if just to help me keep a little positive

Terry

[Juliet_84]

Hi Terry,

I’m sorry to hear this turmoil is still going on for you. That being said, you’ve come this far, please don’t give up yet, you need to fight and not let these people win. I know you are feeling defeated and deflated, but the way I see it is that you are a man with nothing left to lose right now, and that is a powerful position. You are worried that she will take your children away from you and you won’t see them, but that has already done that, what would happen that hasn’t already?

[Terry73]

Hi All,

I know I been off the scene for a while now, but a lot has happened. Had a huge issue arrive on my doorstep (literally), which cost me greatly and silenced me from talking about it in the open, but then it worked out in the end.

To bring you all up to date, Mid August, I rang our children's school to see if there was an non-intrusive way of showing our kids that I am still here for them regardless of what they been told by dropping off presents to the school (and other relevant information to their mother that I feel she should need to know), but told it was against school policy, which I understand. However, early September, 2 weeks after starting new work, I have the police knocking on my door handing me an Interim order, my Ex had filed for an intervention order because she was "scared" that I was stalking her. On the interim order it prevented me from talking about her, the children (as they were named also on the order) in all forms on the social media. So didnt want to risk it so shut off completely from online forums in all forms.

Seeked a lawyer's advice and that was to contest the order, which I did, that first hearing was October 15th, which I had to take a day off work to attend, contested the order as instructed, where my ex was told to hand in furthers and better particulars and I had to reply to it as well (ended up rushed in end as I had a disadvantage of 1-2 hour trip just to get to the court house, and the fact that was limited further by Melbourne Cup Day), the directions hearing was set for 15th November, another day off work. Was suggested by Lawyer to start the mediation process, which I booked an appointment for (30th november, yet to come), which was the best advice yet, as that helped the judge decide (on 15th November) to strike out the order. It also cost for the lawyer too, which wasnt cheap either, thank you that it was only needed once for this issue, but may have to use their services for the bigger issue regarding custody and visitation rights, but thats down the road further.

Sadly Today is bad day for me again, but hoping its the last one, as today is our Sons birthday, yet another one I missed, he was just 9 months old when my ex and I split, so never had the joy of even a single birthday with him. I still have hope though, that this is the last one of these days, maybe have to miss x-mas and our daughters birthday too, but the solution is approaching so soon these days will be over.

[Guest_7403]

You do know that without a court she has no more legal rights then you do yeh?

You can go and pick them up from school any time you like and there's nothing she or the police can do.

Mediation is non legally binding, but they will tell you she can't let stop you having access.

[Terry73]

Hi Theborderline,

Yes, I learned that as well, took me a while to do so, but it helped me get out of my "rutt" I was in.

As for going to pick them up, I know I can do so, but I wouldnt, as its been a long 8 years since I last seen them (and its highly unlikely they will remember me), I am basically a stranger to them, and it would only frighten our children, and thats not ok with me, I am not using our kids as a tool to prove a point or revenge or anything else. I just want our kids to know that their father does care, is always there for them and is not the monster that they have been told about from biased opinions and lies from their mothers side of the family. I want our kids to be safe and happy, and if that means me stepping aside to let them grow, despite how much it hurts me, I would do so, but would always want them to know what I said before, I am still there for them regardless. Personally I hope to establish a relationship with my children, for their sakes as much as my own.

Mediation is needed, its a process which helps sort out the rights of each parent to the child/children, its also needed to be attempted in order to pursue further (should it go that far) through the courts. Legally, its viewed as positive steps and keeping the best interests of the children in mind.

[Guest_7403]

Yeah 100% didn't realise it was 8 years.

I'm assuming she won't show for the mediation in which you just get the certificate to say you attended and tried....thus able to take her to court

Or on the odd miracle she does agree to put it in writing at mediation you can take it to court and get it signed off...providing she agrees.

Otherwise it's a lengthy battle, but one worth battling.

My ex also tried to block me out and threatened me with the "she has the power to dictate if I see them or not"

She too had an IVO placed on me for similar garbage, it too was thrown out in court when I was able to challenge it...She didn't either bother to attend the hearing, the judge apologised to me for the anguish caused.

good luck

[blondguy]

Hi Terry

Firstly...Happy Birthday to your son today 🙂

Im glad that you have agreed to use mediation as a way to find some peace in this awful situation Terry. I understand that Borderline means well yet we cant make assumptions of what your ex partner will do as its not helpful to you or your children's situation

The AVO is often used a tool to provide advantage to the other party involved. This is meaningless as any judge/federal magistrate will see through any false AVO application and it wont be in your ex partners best interests if any court case did eventuate

Terry mentioned "Mediation is needed, its a process which helps sort out the rights of each parent to the child/children, its also needed to be attempted in order to pursue further (should it go that far) through the courts. Legally, its viewed as positive steps and keeping the best interests of the children in mind."

Always good to see you Terry.....How have you been going otherwise?

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Terry73]

The ex never attended our second court date (directions hearing), so that was also probably a factor the judge took into account, but the explanation given to me by the judge for striking out the order was that I was now doing things the right way (by seeking mediation and setting up an appointment) and saw no reason why the order should be in place, and that it would only be a hindrance rather than a needed order in our situation. I did mention before that it has been a long while (8 years) but that was way back in my first post, if the way I had responded seemed harsh, please forgive me, it wasnt meant that way, just only to let you into the information on the issue.

[Terry73]

Hiya Paul,

I know its been a while, its been one hell of a roller-coaster ride for me (emotionally) but the thing is, her (the ex) attempt to put an intervention order on me and putting our kids names on the order pushed me into the situation I was hoping to avoid. However, it was inevitable, but just felt I had to make an active effort to seek a peaceful and civil resolution to not involve the courts, but that action (RE IVO) of hers (the ex) has opened up the courts to our situation, and has put me in a position where my voice can be heard with a more favorable light (thats how I feel anyway).

Mediation was always on the cards for seeking a resolution, and if she hadnt put in for the IVO would have been seeking that route already, as I had discovered that the schools were not able to accommodate my idea. I had already got advice to do so before, the IVO only delayed this from happening as I needed to make sure I wasnt breaching the interim order first (better safe than sorry).

As for Borderline, I know their intention was meaning well, I only responded to let them know more of the full detail that I had talked about before that they seemed to have missed.

As I had said, my emotions been up and down like a roller-coaster, from happiness and relief of getting progress on my issue, and getting new reliable work, to stress over the IVO and worry about if the judge will believe the truth and my word over the exaggerations and "stories" made up by my ex, to financial worry about how I am going to fight on through, then to have relief that my mother was willing to help and even be a witness to my defense in all this, to getting determined and inspired by a wonderful lawyer to fight the IVO and get some good advice on the way, to finally having a huge weight off my shoulders and then more progress into getting this issue with regards to the IVO being struck out and mediation being set up, then to today where my emotions are mixed as its another birthday I have missed, but realization that it might be one of the last ones I miss as well.

I cope by putting myself outside myself, confusing I know, I let my emotions go as they want, but I will not let them cloud my own judgement and decisions on what needs to be done and what the best course of action is, so basically keeping my mind focused while being detatched from my emotions (putting myself outside my emotional state - myself) but not locking them away and letting them boil.

Terry