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A big concern regarding my children

Terry73
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi,

Some of you may know my situation so I am not going to repeat it right here again, but there is a further issue in slight relation to that same topic, and it is in relation to my kids.

I love my kids dearly, I miss them so much, but I am also very aware of their own happiness and what is best for them above anything I might want. So my dilemma is this, should I just step out of my children's lives completely or not?

Here are some facts which make me feel that it may be in the best interest of my children that I do. Around August 2010 was last time I saw my kids, my daughter was 2.5 years old and my son was 8 months old, and due to my (ex)wife not allowing me contact with her or our children, I havent had any opportunity to be in contact with them, because of this, she hasnt even allowed any movement towards a custody order/parental agreement in regards to our children, now, nearly 8 years on, I have serious doubt if our children will remember me, and I have to come to a reality that if they have been informed of me at all by my (ex)wife and her family, then it probably wouldnt be in a good way.

The reality is our kids frame of mind, my (ex)wife, despite with-holding our children from me, still is a decent mother to the children (except sharing the parenting), and the few reports I have been able to get about them is that the children are happy and well. My concern is if I was to fight for my rights to see them, will that upset their lives? would it be better I let them live their lives in happiness or risk interrupting their lives?

The other side of the coin is when the children grow up and are able to make choices themselves, will they consider me or will they think I had abandoned them despite what I have tried to do to prevent that?

My kids health, both physical and mental, are always my number one priority and concern, so if I have to step out of their lives so they can lead as normal and happy a life as they can, then I would do so without a second though, even if it is of great pain to myself to do so.

I ask this here as I dont wish to approach it in an official manner until I am fully aware of what would be best, and what others think would be better in regards to this, as mentioning it to the courts could sway them into that direction of no contact, but then not mentioning it could affect our children's lives,

Regards

Terry

32 Replies 32

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Terry73,

I hope you get some solid replies from others in a better place than me but I had to reply to say one thing.

If you were my Dad I'd want you to fight to be part of my life in some shape or form.

What about you? If you were in your children's position what would you want your Dad to do?

Contact can be so many forms. Letters or emails or skype calls or phonecalls or social media are better than no contact at all.

One day your children will be old enough to make the choice for themselves. It doesn't matter what your ex has said about you. The fact that you have kept trying for contact says you care for your children. That you miss and love and want to know and see them.

The fact that you care about their needs and health first shows you are a good parent. Children cannot have enough good people who care for them.

Kids are smart. When they are old enough perhaps they will start asking questions and seeing your actions don't match anything they have been told about you.

This is just my view ok. Ultimately you need to think about your needs and safety too not just the needs of your children. If you brainstormed ways to keep in contact can you think of any your ex might agree to?

Nat

Terry73
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Nat, and Thank You,

I should give a little more information, it is in my other post on this subject, but that post is more directed in how to deal with my Ex, where this one is more about our children.

The extra information is that all contact from me to either her or our kids, is totally blocked. The little information I get is because she does allow my parents to see our kids, but she has made it very clear to them that she does not want any contact to her from me via them, nor am I to be mentioned to her or the kids, and she is the type who would stop contact between my parents and the kids, something I wouldnt risk.

I have, however, managed to sneak a few presents to our children through my parents (they present it as a gift from themselves instead), I also keep their birthdays posted in my facebook, updating them, and showing that I still care, as well as Christmas and other such days.

But as for direct contact with my kids, impossible at this stage, she moved away from the old address, and at same time changed numbers, not informing me of where they went nor her new number, and because of no contact, there is no custody order/parental agreement, which means police and courts cant act (you will get more information of this on my other post thread I had created).

I see your point, and it has opened my mind, but I still am confused, as while I can put myself into my childrens position, it still leaves the question, will my intervention help them, or just put them through an ordeal they dont need to be exaggerated by the courts and actions?
First for me, in all my thoughts, is what is best for the kids, and that is to let them lead as normal and as happy a life as can be. So would it be best to intervene or wait until they are ready to make a choice, should they want it? That question still remains

I thank you again for your insight, it is valuable to me

Terry

Terry73
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi again Nat,

This is so you know the full thread from before (and anyone else reading that wishes to know more of it)

My other thread I made is "A depressive loop and A broken family"

Terry

Terry73
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
I finally have decided to push to see my kids, since there is no order (Custody or IVO type), means I should be able to pass my kids some info on contacting me through their school, since their mum doesnt let me contact her or the kids in any other means. Maybe by buying them a present and getting the school to pass it to my kids on my behalf, along with a card with my contact info in it.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Terry73,

This is such a sad story, and one that is all too common I imagine. Your kind and gentle nature is evident in your post and you seem only concerned with your children’s well-being. That being said, I think your good nature is going against you in this circumstance. Your ex-wife sounds bitter and vindictive and she is calling the shots right now. Because you are letting her. It sounds as though you are almost wanting her permission to see your children and unfortunately you’re never going to get it. But she’s not in charge. You need to head to the courts, get the police involved, whatever it takes. I understand that you are concerned about upsetting your children, but do you honestly think that they are going to forget about you? My cousin grew up without a father and he has never gotten over it, he has abandonment issues, depression, relationship issues and a whole host of other problems. They need their father and they need to know that you will fight for them. You can’t control your wife and what she tells them, but you can choose the influence you have in their life. Don’t let her write your future. I would distance yourself from your ex, don’t engage with her, keep it civil but you need to go around her. You need to get a bit of mongrel in you lol.

Juliet x

Terry73
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Juliet,

Thank you for your input, and I agree, I need to be a little more aggressive in my approach (not in a violent way of course). But I have tried to get the police and courts involved, but sadly they cant intervene because there is no custody order to enforce, and to get one, I need her address, since she wont tell me that and has blocked all possible communications from myself to her....

It has only been recently that I have worked out that no custody order works BOTH ways, which is something I can take advantage of, but I just want to make sure its all legal first (dont want to give her fuel to punish me for something) and doesnt go against my own morals, nor doesnt put our kids in harms way. I was even informed I could pick the kids up from their school and she couldnt do anything because I am breaching no order (was then also told that it was not advisable either, just was used as an example as to where I can legally stand).

So this is the reason for this post here, to see if other people have thought of this and what they done in this case, and if it worked, etc. I am just making sure that I am not making a big mistake if I take this action.

Once I can let my kids know they can contact me, and that I am still around for them, then I can start to see what information I can gain (viewing school reports/files on my kids for example) in regards to finding out their address, which means I can start to get things rolling with the courts, breaking me out of this loop hole. It will either be that or my Ex will take action when she finds out, meaning she then has to give the courts her info and also inform me of her accusations, meaning I can get her address that way too, or at least some contact info to her, either way is win/win for me in that regards.

As you can see, there is a tiger in this old body somewhere ready to pounce, just need that sniff to start the hunt,

Terry

Hi Terry

You have asked an excellent question re the best interests of the children...

I went to court to get a contact order and even though I did end up with the fortnighly visitation the price was very high. My partner made it her mission in life to communicate all the court proceedings to my 6 year old daughter which then had a profoundly negative effect on my daughter.

My ex also refused contact many times even with a court order. When a parent does not comply with a court order they do get a scolding from the judge. After my ex was warned by the court about her non compliance she went back to her old ways and still only provided occasional contact...not as per the court order.

Just in my situation....there were no winners in the proceedings even though I did 'win' the court case.

*It was great to see my daughter yet it did have a negative effect on her as my ex poisoned our 6 year old against me for initiating proceedings. There were problems for my daughter with self esteem ...school attendance issues...

*I self represented for half of the case yet spent tens of thousands on lawyers

* Just for me I didnt go ahead with any proceedings until the court mediation failed dismally as my ex didnt want to encourage an amicable agreement for contact or mediation

* Engaging the court for visitation doesnt work unless all other avenues have been exhausted. Just for me I would have waited until my daughter was older. The children do make up their own mind when they are older

* Even if the custodial parent flouts the court order to make your life a misery...It takes several months to re-apply to have this heard in court. State police have little control over a family court order as its a federal matter

*The 1st charter of operation for the family court is 'the best interests of the child' The mother of my daughter was warned about her poor motherhood skillset in court yet never received a fine or jail time for flouting with an official federal (family) court order several times.

Im not being negative here Terry...just my own experience if thats okay 🙂

kind thoughts

Paul

Terry73
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Paul,

I am aware that a court order wont solve things perfectly, but you have to realize that there is a major difference here because I dont have one. The fact is that in 8 years I have had ZERO contact with our children, not even a minute in those 8 hours, and the fact that also without a court order, I can do nothing to change it.

I have offered her an "out of court" and peaceful way to work this out, to come to an agreement, but she does not respond to any of my contact with her (when I was able to do so, since then she has blocked all forms of communication that I can make to her). I dont want her jailed for any of this, she is our childrens mother after all, and I wont stoop so low as to what she has done to me, its not right for the children, I just want her to be answerable to her actions, to act as a parent should, and to act reasonable, and without a court order/custody order, I can not stop her from doing what she is doing at moment.

Hi Terry

No worries..I understand where you are coming from and I do realise that not having a court order places you in a difficult position. I get it.

You are a legend by 'helping' your wife with an 'out of court' solution. It is sad that your wife didnt reciprocate

I dont want to stray on your other thread topic Terry...Can you remind my 58 year old memory if you have given any thoughts to a court ordered mediation session with your wife? (not a contact order)

My Best

Paul