When you need help, but help is just too hard

[Mickii]

I guess I just wanted to ask whether other people sometimes find help makes things harder. The last couple of days have been horrible and I have at times been quite suicidual. The thing is I know to ask for help, and in the end I went to online chat with lifeline, and although there are lots of good ideas about what to do when you feel suicidual, the truth is I felt so bad it was like I just didn't have the energy to do anything about it. Tonight a friend rang to see how I was, I didn't admit to how bad I felt, because I didn't want them to feel hopeless because they couldn't change how I feel. I see my psychiatrist every couple of weeks, and I never tell her the truth because then I have to deal with it, and it is too hard.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Mickii,

You have obviously been really struggling and have had some very dark thoughts. You sound really drained and exhausted...

I’m glad you gave the Lifeline online chat a go. I feel it’s still sometimes helpful to talk/write even if you’re not feeling up to taking up any of their suggestions.

In a way, I feel I get what you’re saying. I suppose admitting how much we’re truly hurting makes it more “real”...there’s no hiding (so to speak) from ourselves anymore once it’s “out” there. So it makes sense why sometimes it’s hard to open up. That said, I feel hiding how you’re truly struggling probably isn’t exactly helping you either...

Either way, I feel it’s a difficult mental state to be in. Open up and we have to face our pain. Hide our pain away and we end up feeling hurt anyway...

Based on what you’ve said, I get the feeling (but please don’t hesitate to correct me if I’m wrong) that you might feel the most comfortable revealing some of your true feelings online e.g. using the Lifeline online chat services and the BeyondBlue forums.

So maybe, for now, just continue using those online services. As I said before, even if you don’t end up using any of the suggestions, it can still be cathartic to write about your struggles.

In particular, if you’re feeling unsafe, I feel it might be especially helpful to immediately jump online and reach out/talk using the Lifeline online chat. There’s of course also the Lifeline and BeyondBlue helplines that you might like to consider too...especially if you’re not feeling safe at any point. But I’m not sure how you feel about helplines...

You’re most welcome to write whenever you like here and as much or as little as you like. When you’re feeling up to it, I think it would be wonderful to hear from you again. We would love to be able to continue supporting you...

kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Mickii,

Thanks for your post.
Ah, yes. Completely. Especially lately! Asking for help can be so exhausting and tiring and it can make you bring up stuff that touches a nerve or feels painful.

Although, with that said - getting help is better than not getting help at all. I don’t know what life is like for you Mickii but I know that you don’t deserve to be in all this pain you’re in. When you’re (or we’re) feeling suicidal - we just want the pain to end; for it to not be there anymore.
It can be, without having to take our lives - it just takes a little work.
(it’s worth it though).

I think if I had to give you advice it would be to be kind to yourself. Some days you might need to retreat and not talk to anyone - and other days it can be good to give yourself a little push and reach out. Especially if you’re feeling like you’re at risk or too overwhelmed.

I can also echo Peppermintbach with the lifeline online chat. I’ve used that before and it’s so helpful - even just having someone on the other side recognise that it’s not a good day.

I hope this helps a little

[Idkme]

I know this post is not particularly current but I stumbled across it because I felt a similar feeling... I feel better communicating via text and struggle to 'talk' to a counsellor... Peppermintbach mentioned that the online chat was helpful however I found that they only would encourage me to call the helpline, which I really struggle to do. I understand their reasons for this is so they can help if you struggle to self-regulate. Surely they can help with more mild situations such as struggling from anxiety or feelings of abandonement... maybe not but I can associate with the difficulties to call and talk to someone...

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Idkme,

I just saw your post now, and it might be a silly question, but have you told Lifeline you're not comfortable on the phone? From my own experience, they tend to always suggest a phone call as it's easier to gauge how you are, get some verbal cues etc - but I've also had lots of conversations through the chat.

There are also other organisations that can provide online chat support, depending on your age and what you're going through - 1800RESPECT have an online chat service which ties in with domestic and family violence as well as Mensline (for men but can also talk about trauma), NQ Connect (Queensland), Suicide Call Back service and BeyondBlue. Hopefully these other options might be more helpful and give you less pressure to be on the phone.

[Idkme]

Hi romantic,

i have tried the 1800respect chat.

I wont mention who but the ones that kept pushing me to call... they also gave up on me after about half hour saying something along the lines of ‘if you need support then you will need to call our chat line, we are going to end this chat session now ....’ and then disconnected.... I was in a bit of shock after that and felt really really stupid for wasting all their time... it just made me feel more worthless and abandoned.... it wasn’t obviously that bad or I wouldn’t be writing this message.... I know people are busy with their lives and there’s only so much someone can do... but I just don’t know what I have to do..... be patient I think.... but it’s easier said than done.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Idkme,

Wow, that is really disappointing! I'm so sorry that you experienced that. I can understand how you would feel worthless and abandoned - I think I would too. These online chats are designed to be online chats, not ultimatums! Unless you were abusing them I genuinely can't see a legit reason that someone would need to say that.

For what it's worth, you deserved to be heard and listened to. People are busy with their lives but yet some peoples jobs are literally to be there at the end of the computer and at the end of the phone - dedicating their time to you and everyone else. If they aren't providing support, then that's on them and not on you.

[Idkme]

Thanks Romantic,

I appreciate your reply. I think it’s just my child side sulking for being ignored. It’s great to get an ‘adult’ response.

Thank you

[skimpymuscles]

this is how i have been since the 4th June. was advised by an osteopath of suffering from ptsd and i kind of put it in the 2 hard basket. wasn't sure where to turn. have a partner and friends that i could talk to but it was almost like i didn't want the look of judgement of me having back pain again and them just not understanding all i have been through, even though they do know, i didn't want to burden them all over again. I'm now seeking professional help as i need to get past my trauma of the work injury and also exacerbation of that injury by car accident but not to the worst case scenario.

[Idkme]

Hi skimpymuscles,

thats great that you have started to look for direction in your life... that in itself can be empowering....

i thought I’d never go to a psychologist or therapist because I was too strong and stubborn and yet here I am about to have visit number 8.

Its definitely not a fast road, or a smooth one, but it’s a progressive one. If you have had success in calling helplines then you have a great coping skill to help you when you just need to chat. You may need this for inbetween visits.

If you see this journey as a self discovery journey you might start to see how some events in your life can intertwine and start to impact other things and, over time, you can untangle the mess it’s become until you finally resolve the underlying issues for why that event/s have stuck so hard to your present life.

best of luck and keep communicating.