Hypervigilance

[Lewwie]

Hi,
I went through a period of sexual assault and dv for a few years and finally moved out, I met a new partner and there was a few times when my ex would still get to me. My new partner was furious and installed cameras which deterred my ex. Ever since then I have been unable to sleep well without medicine. If I am home alone I have everything turned down really quiet so I can keep listening for changes. We moved house and I thought it would be better but it is just as bad. Almost worse because this house has a lot of doors so I have to keep walking around the house all night checking locks. Because my ex and I share children I have to talk to him occasionally and see him on occasions, my partner always attends these times.
I just don't know if I will ever get through it and move on. I hate having to take medicine every night in order to sleep. I tried Psychology but really struggled to even get to appointments without panicking.
I am completely exhausted and had really hoped that this new home would be a fresh start but it's just the same stuff in a different space.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Lewwie,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I am so sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through. I too am a survivor of DV and sexual assault, so I can certainly identify with that fear of it happening again. And when I left my violent partner, I too would sit at home with the lights off, the door closed and everything off, so that I could hear/listen for his friend's car. He had lost his license for drink driving so his friend would drive him around everywhere. We did not have children together, thank God, but he did find the street I was living in, and about 5 weeks after I had left him, I could hear, every night for about 3 weeks, the sound of his friend's ute driving up and down the street looking for me and my car. Thankfully I also had my car hidden and he never did manage to narrow down exactly which place I was in. There is also way more to that story too .... but anyway, nonetheless, I did manage to get him out of my life.

Mind you, I had left his several times before that too, but went back a few times, before finally leaving him for good. And I recall another friend saying to me that leaving a violent partner, is like leaving two people; you have to leave the 'good guy' as well as the 'bad guy'. That, is I think, what makes it so hard, because when you do finally meet a person who is good, you can't help but compare the two; hence why we are always on the 'lookout'.

One thing that helped me to reduce/stop being so vigilant, was to focus on what IS rather than the 'what ifs'. What IS real is what is right now; right now, I am safe here in my unit, tapping out a message to you. What is real is that I am watching my TV, sitting under my fan, looking at the sun under my window. What is REAL are the things I can see, hear, taste, touch and smell RIGHT NOW.

The next time that this fear takes a hold of you, bring your mind back to right now; what you can see, hear, taste, touch and smell right now. Because wherever you go, you take yourself with you; so, if you go to the kitchen to make a cuppa, for example, then keep your mind on then and there; on making the cuppa. The smell of the coffee, the sound of the kettle, the feel of the mug ..... you get my drift?

And if you haven't already, then perhaps you could get some legal advice in regards to your safety, and that of your children, yeah?

And above all, remember you deserve to happy and fulfilled and loved. And safe.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Lewwie]

Thank you Soberlicious96,

I think staying grounded is something I try to instinctively do. I had heard a noise and quickly turned the tv right down and tip toed across our dining room and realised it was just the fire crackling. So I breathed, reminded myself that the house is locked, I have a huge dog outside that should surely bark. I am ok. I am ok. It's hard and I hard turned to drinking and taking medicine to try and calm it all down. But i've managed to cut back to just having one at night and all my prescribed medication to just get through each night.

It's so incredibly difficult for anyone to understand. My partner has been through the worst of it and even with me waking up during the night screaming or waking him up to make sure it's really him. Hes still here and still loves me. I am grateful for his understanding despite the sucky circumstances.

[blondguy]

Hello Lewwie

You are strong to have posted considering the pain you are and have been going through... and Welcome! Soberlicious96 has provided caring and heartfelt support above about your awful experience

Good on your partner for being such a rock for you Lewwie. I used to have chronic anxiety for years after bad family issues and a drawn out family court case.... I was a total wreck

Just my humble opinion if thats okay....(re Hypervigilance/anxiety/overthinking) Its taken me over 30 years to understand that its the frequency of our visits to our GP/Counsellor that can really help our recovery

you are not alone....I do hope you will find some peace from your pain

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Lewwie]

Thank you for your reply blondguy.

I have a good relationship with my GP and while she doesn't know every detail she understands the general idea of what has happened and how it effects me in different situations. I am grateful for having found her because I didn't have to go into depth of things to get assistance.

However I went to the psychologist and just shut down. I happily talk about other trauma but this particular thing just weighs too heavily and I can't bare to bring it up. And so I go through cycles of wanting to get help so I can one day live a peaceful life and then suddenly shutting down, cutting people off and trying to avoid it at all costs. It's frustrating for my partner and he's just as exhausted as I am. He wants to see me happy and so do I.
I was up for 3 hours last night, even after taking sleeping medicine and calming medicine. Just checking on things, making sure everyone was in bed and everything was locked and then I felt so awake and wired that I ended up cleaning the house. Then I will spend today exhausted 😞

[blondguy]

Hi Lewwie

you have a great attitude with your health and having a good relationship with your GP! It took me ages to grasp how valuable that can be...especially when my psychologists waiting period was so long (back in the 80's..90's)

I also used to shut down with my psychologist as well...Just like yourself I found it difficult to discuss what was really bothering me.....which I thought I was coping with....That can be very hard to do Lewwie

I understand our circumstances are very different yet similar when utilising our counsellors help is concerned

It took a community health worker...(a career psychiatric nurse) 3 visits to make me cry (vent my feelings) about my own pain...I was more concerned about walking out of the community center looking like I have been crying.....I guess I was holding in more feelings than I knew....oops

Anyhow...the crying felt awful until a day later when I realised that I felt a lot better after doing so...

I understand you with not being 100% forward with your counsellor as I didnt either...and unfortunately being brutally honest is the best method so we can heal more effectively

Please dont be so hard on yourself with the sleeping medication Lewwie....you have experienced some serious trauma in your life and being on meds to assist with sleep is very common....

The key that unlocks 'the door' to having some peace of mind is frequent ongoing counselling....(Just from my own personal experience re trauma)

my kind thoughts and thankyou for taking the time to post back too

Paul