Husband ..how to cope caring for wife. PTSD !!!

[Songs58]

Hi Just joined this forum yesterday been a bit hestitant to post ..... I would like to say before I post that I totally understand that there are many people going through what iam at the moment with their friend or wifes and partners , i dont think for one moment its just me ......
My wife and I found each other about 4 and a half year ago and fell in love and got marriaged to years ago this month so known each other 5 years this November 2020 .
My wife turned 60 years of age last Dec 2019 and ive just turned 65 years of age this Jan 2020 ...... when I met my wife i didnt know at the time she was suffering any symptoms that anyone else would go through after coming out of a previous marriage two years before me .
I realized that she was quite spoken and very well mananned and beautiful .... but after knowing her for six months or so i started to realize there was more to her life and past issues that were effecting her quality of life .... I wanted to know more from her but soon found out she was not able to give me answers or communicate about her past at all without breaking down and crying ... she would just say I cant talk about it ...

My wife was dumped by her parents at age 5 years and her 3 siblings at some children centre .. then fostered out to husband and wife who both abused her one with mental and emotional and the other sexually.
The doctor knew this as well cause she had mentioned to him a long time ago .... he advised her to seek a proffesional to discuss all of her past .... it was very overwhelming for me to know about her history and Ive been trying to understand while any human would do that to anyone especially a child .
So for me living and dealing with my wifes illness has been very challenging and sad at the same to to see her not get enjoyment out of little things like just waking up in the morning and saying wow ..what a wonderful day outside it is and excited about what we are going to do today..... my wife doesnt feel any emotions joy or happiness from life from those things ...... but she does get enjoyment from her 3 daughters and her grandchildren which i love to see her smile and laughter and also a lady friend she met just before I met my wife 4 years or so ago .
The last 2 years Ive realized through been councelled myself that I cant make my wife happy around me if she doesnt want to be what hurts me is the fact she can laugh and smile and enjoy conversation with her daughters and her friend but not me !!!!! ........

[Croix]

Dear Songs58~

Welcome to the forum. I can understand your ongoing hurt that your wife can find laughter and relaxation with the her daughters and grandchildren but not you. Also that she does not have enjoyment out of life

I'm the opposite to you, I was the one with PTSD depression and anxiety, though I'm vastly improved on how I used to be. My own partner had a very difficult time as I wanted to be alone, did not respond to her either emotionally or intimately, and felt resentment and anger against her at times.

Sadly she came to think she was the cause and blamed herself. fortunately that phase did not last when my psychiatrist explained to here these were well known symptoms, and not her at all

With guilt reduced she was able to be more flexible and confident in her support for me and understood that if for example she asked me if I wanted anything and got an angry reply it was not her, or what she said, it was my brain in overload

Importantly my wife had her mum to support her, both in practical terms with our family, but emotionally too. Do you have anyone to give you personal support? Someone you can discuss matters with and lean on?

I guess one thing is that your wife's children and grandchildren are not a threat in the same way adults would be.They are the ones that abandoned her, abused and sexually abused her.

5 years is not long, and for your wife to want to marry you and love you is a testament to your nature and love. A lifetime of living the effects of her early life are not to be quickly wiped out. She does need professional skilled help, as do I. In my own case there are still effects, I'm still under treatment, but I trust and am close to my partner and am happy in her company

So what do you do? May I suggest don't press, don't raise her past - unless she asks. Then do as you do now, listen with sympathy and try not to give in to the impulse to "fix" things, just be there. No point in saying you understand, you will not and saying so can create a gulf. Just say your heart bleeds to see her great unhappiness and leave it at that. Even then she may feel guilt in upsetting you, so a difficult balance.

I don't know if physical comfort would be a help, you and your wife will have to discover that for yourselves. Go easy.

Feeling happy yourself, taking enjoyment from the day, from many things (including her children and grandchildren if you can), being "sunny', are helpful things. These in my partner have helped me.

Please talk more

Croix

[AlwaysForgotten]

Hi Croix,

I wonder if perhaps you could share some of your thought processes in the hope of helping others who are trying to deal with people who have PTSD.

I find my story is similar to Songs58 in that my wife can go out of her way to do things for complete strangers, but wont even do the smallest thing for me and I am struggling not to think that it is because she just doesn't value me. She is living apart on her own, we dont see each other, we barely text each other and will only go to couples therapy 1 hour a month (which I think she is only doing to keep stringing me along).

I want to give her the space she needs & to be supportive of her, but how do I know she isn't just using me & taking advantage of the situation for her own gain. She will put herself out for everyone else, but didn't even remember my birthday, will break her back helping a friend, but cannot even spare me 5 minutes.

All I am asking of her is to explain where she is coming from, I understand she cant get too deep into it, but she refuses to even give me the broad strokes. She is purposely keeping me in complete darkness and keeps saying she wants to work things out but then refuses to do anything to help.

Honestly, all it would take would be her opening up just the tiniest fraction to let me know she is really trying, but all I get is this wall of rejection.

So hearing what is is like from the other side would be helpful