Wanting to talk to my abuser

[Lani_S]

Something happened to me 10 years ago which I have been carrying around because I didn't know what to make of it. During a random episode that I get every now and then I felt finally ready to tell my husband who I have been with for 9 years exactly what happened. I felt a bit of relief to get it off my chest but still having a hard time.

10 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy who was very controlling, jealous and suicidal. He was very mentally abusive and manipulative. I remember clearly the huge screaming fights he would have with me in front of everyone, cornering me at my locker, following me to an empty classroom locking the door and getting all in my face, forcing me to say I love him, threatening to kill himself and blaming me if I was to breakup with him. I could go on but it was so full on.

After 6 months of attempting to leave him we went through a stage of him accepting we were going to be over and doing everything 'one last time'. I remember being at his house trying to break up with him and he wanted to do things with me one last time. I said no at first but he begged and begged. I didn't want to but then he promised if I let him he would leave me alone. Thinking back at it now I think how stupid I was to believe something like that. But at the time I felt like that was my only option to finally get him to leave me alone. I wanted to believe him so much. So I let him.

He didn't keep his word. Instead he went and told all his friends all the details and how 'I enjoyed it' which made me feel so ashamed of myself to actually let this happen. To be so foolish to believe him. I guess I was desperate to believe anything to have him leave me alone.

Flash forward 10 years and still get jumpy with the sound of his name, being in a crowd or anyone that comes around the corner that catches me with surprise. I get panic attacks, I get a lot of anxiety and with any confrontation I can't handle it. I feel like I should be over it by now. I don't even know if what happened was considered sexual assault because I let him. I don't know what to make out of it.

I sometimes feel like I want to confront him. I want to know if he knew what he did was wrong and if he regrets it. I know it won't change anything but I think a lot about the conversation. It's very unlikely that would happen. I guess it makes my angry that's his happy and I'm still effected by this 10 years later.

Has anyone ever confronted the person before and felt like it helped them?

[Guest_9809]

Good morning and welcome to the BB Forums.

So sorry to read what happened to you 10 years ago, it must have been an immensely difficult situation for you to find yourself in. It sounds as though you gave consent for this ex boyfriend to "do things for one last time", therefore it cant technically be classified as sexual assault. So any charges or prosecution of him is highly unlikely to be upheld.

From what you have said he was a very controlling person with narcissistic tendencies. Narcissists are clever charmers and highly manipulative, so I can see how you found yourself under his spell. Please dont blame yourself, because what happened was not your fault. You were merely desperate to find a way out of a toxic relationship.

Often relationships such as that, leaves us with ongoing issues like you are experiencing now. Have you been to see your GP about the anxiety symptoms you are still experiencing? If not, then I would advise you to do so, and to discuss the possibility of going onto a Mental Health Care Plan (MHCP) to get you some medicare subsidised psych sessions. I think you would find this very helpful.

A psych can do some CBT therapy which is highly effective for anxiety disorders, and they can teach you some self help techniques such as mindfulness, relaxation, breathing as well as some lifestyle changes which will help you deal with your anxiety on a daily basis.

Your thoughts about confronting this guy now, is an interesting one. I think its a very individual thing and, not knowing you, I cannot advise what would be best for you. I personally couldnt do it. I was raped years ago by an ex boyfriend who had been out of my life for several years at the time. I never reported the assault and therefore never pressed charges. All I wanted was to never see or hear of him again and to get as far away from there as possible. The last thing I could ever do would be to see him again, much less confront him. I relocated to now reside half a country away from him, in the desire to never see him and to feel safe. Yes it makes me angry that he is probably living a happy and carefree life now, where as I continue to suffer the consequences of that day. But I can live with that.

I think you need some answers or closure Lani, so perhaps with the aid of a psychologist you could determine whether you are up to confronting this guy, and also whether it would benefit you to do so.

Well done on having the courage to tell your story.

Taurus

[Lani_S]

Hi Taurus,

It's really hard to know I let it get to that point and to even hear I have no ground to stand on really hurts my heart. At the time I went to the police twice and nothing was done. Even my teachers saw what was happening and did nothing. It wasn't until I met my now husband the year after that he finally left me alone. He honestly saved me when no one else could.

The Medicare pshyc sessions - how does this work? I've never claimed anything before I wouldn't know where to begin.. and no I haven't been to the GP yet. I know I need to go but I am sacred of having something like this on my record and being formally diagnosed with anything. I know I need to go I need to bring myself to go...

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you and completely agree with not wanting to see that person ever again! And it does freak me out to hear his name let alone be in the same room as him to confront him and honestly I most likely won't confront him. I just think about all the things I want to say to him that my 18 year old self couldn't. In a way I want to have him understand the impact of what he did because I honestly don't think he realised at the time as he was very mentally disturbed. I guess as I am writing this, I want to hear the words 'I'm sorry'... and I want to forgive and move on. And your right, some closure..

Thank you for taking time out to respond to my post it really means a lot

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lani, just stepping in while you're waiting on replies - you can find information on how the Better access to mental health care scheme works here:

http://www.health.gov.au/internet/main/publishing.nsf/Content/mental-ba-fact-pat

You will need to see your GP and ask for a mental health care plan. This will entitle you to 10 subsidised visits to a psychologist within a calendar year.

[Lani_S]

Thank you so much!

[Guest_9809]

Morning Lani, and thanks for getting back to me.

I am so very pleased that you have an obviously kind and understanding husband, it makes such a difference. Having his support is much deserved and also essential to your healing.

I'm relieved to hear you say that you realise you need to go and see your GP. I want to reassure you that anything you discuss with your GP and/or psychologist will remain confidential. Health professionals are bound by a confidentiality clause. The only time they would take the matter further would be if they had a genuine cause to believe that you were a danger to yourself or others.

It is a difficult process to work up the courage to see your GP to discuss highly personal matters. But you are a very courageous young woman, as has already been demonstrated. It is important to have an official diagnosis, otherwise appropriate treatment cannot be undertaken.

Confronting your abuser should not be undertaken lightly. I believe it would be best done with the assistance of a psychologist. It will firstly help you determine whether putting yourself through that ordeal would actually achieve anything. If you decide to do so, it will help you to prepare for the undoubted emotional turmoil it will stir up. And it will mean you have a professional support person to help you deal with any aftermath and to process your thoughts and feelings around it. With appropriate psychological treatment you may even decide that you are able to move on without having to put yourself through that anyway.

First step ...... book that appointment with your GP. Make it a long appointment. Then ask to be put on that Medicare subsidised MHCP. Dont think of it as being a bludge ... it isnt! It is utilising the existing health care system to benefit those needing MH care. Without a MHCP you would be paying full cost for any psych help. Going onto a MHCP means that your psych sessions are subsidised up by Medicare, which can only be done if your GP determines that you have a need. It then works the same way as Medicare does when you go and see your GP or a Medical Specialist now. You may need to pay a gap payment to your psych if they dont bulk bill, but the MHCP entitles you to $124.50 currently and you would pay the balance.

You have a loving and supportive husband Lani so please dont jeopardise your future happiness by doing nothing. You need a resolution to help you move forward. Be the brave person I know you are. (-:

Taurus