Is it normal to feel so flat all the time ?

[nic29]

Hi all, I’m a 46 year old woman and quite attractive, but I really struggle with low self esteem, feelings of boredom/emptiness - lack of enthusiasm for anything, fatigue, & general apathy towards whatever I am doing.

Although my life is pretty good, compared to a lot of others: I have a partner of 15 yrs, a 27yr old daughter and 3 x adult stepchildren & my 15 month old grandson. We own our own beautiful home. I work my own hours within my partners business. We all have good health.

I don't have any hobbies or interests. I have tried to get into all sorts of things but the enthusiasm isn't there. I've tried gyms, yoga, meditation, etc. All these things were ok when I started but never lasted more than a few weeks before I stopped doing them because I just couldn't be bothered. I have rarely ever finished anything in life that I have started. I can't focus on tasks at work most times. No matter how much I have to do I always find myself mentally wandering off.

I was diagnosed with depression a few yrs ago, and went on anti depressants for a month or so. I stopped taking them as I didn’t feel any different on them and I hated the stigma attached to taking them.

I was sexually abused by my own grandfather from the age of 4 yrs until the age of 8. This abuse was not constant, it was on and off over these years. I remember all of it. My family were unaware of this so there was nobody to protect me back then.

I have been to therapists over the years to try and deal with it, but all they do is ask how I felt and I have to repeat the story over. I guess I feel hurt that when I told my parents on my 18th birthday about the abuse, they didn’t approach him about it as he was very high up in the Police Force and it was all too hard? I don’t know. So I end up feeling lost in my own life. I don't know what I want to do, I do know that I want to stop putting myself down and thinking that everyone else is above me.

I want a passion, an interest, but there is nothing there. Is it depression? Laziness? I don't know. But it's there. All the time. A big emptiness that surrounds me, and I can't see the way out.

I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I have read many people’s experiences online and I can identify with them a lot. So I guess I want to put my feelings out there somewhere. Maybe to help someone else feel that they are not “alone” in feeling this way, but maybe, so that I will have some kind of “belonging” by sharing this with people. x

[beingbyrne]

Hi Nic29

I hear you loud and clear......depression is nothing to do with your circumstances, it's a lot to do with your own little world you have in your head, and being sexually abused at a young age must have a lot to do with it as well..I'm sure.

You said you take AD. Some times it takes a while before the doctor finds the right one for you. There are so many on the market and everyone reacts to it differently. If you are still depressed when taking AD..then it's not the right one for you. You are not supposed to feel depressed if you'er on the right one. If one doesn't work, then you should try another one. Sometimes it takes a bit of experimentation, before you find the right one.

I really feel for you and I hope this helped.

Sorry I am not much help, but I'm here to listen. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope to hear from you

Take care

[Tufflife]

Hello nic29. Have you ever heard off mindfulness. Look it up on google. Read a book about it, it can really help. It helps to stop the negative thought patterns, that become normal and can change the way we think in that cycle. Hope it helps and inspires you. It has really changed me, so l hope it can help you.

[geoff]

hi Nic, people are always conscious of the fact they are taking AD's, but the shame is no longer here, it used to be many years ago, but now so many people need to take them, they have to because depression has now taken over, and prevents you from enjoying what you once enjoyed, so there's no stigma anymore.
Life can be so strange to work out, because you may have everything you have always wanted, so you presume there's no reason to get depressed, that's wrong as it will ounce on you or anybody else when ever it wants to.
Whether your g/father was a police officer he had broken the law and should have been charged, this is what I detest so much somebody older taking advantage of a small child, it's horrendous and will leave a scar on you for life and will create PTSD, although a doctor will have to diagnose this.
This will cause you to feel angry, disappointed, let down and wonder why no one seems to care after all these years, but to you, all of these are so important, and now there are many different types of AD's and feel as though it would be worthwhile having a talk with your doctor.
You don't necessarily need a hobby if you have a puppie, imagine the excitement your grandson would have, going to Nan's to play with the puppie, involving yourself, obedient school and maybe entering into a dog show, how excited it would be for your g/son, which means it would please you so much. Geoff.

[pawsy]

Hi Nic, thanks for your very honest post. You write about it so well ... i too suffer from ongoing flatness and emptiness that nothing seems to budge, and youre right, it definitely helps me feel less alone reading your description of the 'big emptiness that surrounds me and i cant find a way out'. Me too! I guess therefore it *is* normal, but also (so they reassure me) it is treatable. Hmm. I have been on anti-depressants since March this year, and while it hasnt eliminated the emptiness it has made it hurt less. I've also been seeing a psychologist who i really like, but again ... hasnt taken away the emptiness. I feel like the overhang of past trauma does seem to create it. The feelings of low self esteem and no motivation -- as though i cant really contribute much, as though my involvement in anything is not such a prize either for the others who do it, or for me ... Sigh. It's hard. I wish i had an answer but i so much dont! Cant be much help except to call out as a fellow sufferer, hoping that we both -- and yes, many others on here and out there -- find our way back to enthusiasm one day. best wishes to you, pawsy

[nic29]

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate them very much

I will definitely try your suggestions and go back to see my Doc to see what she thinks about changing the AD. Thanks again x