Finally found the reason.

[Tripletail]

I got brought up in a loving christian family.

So i got abused at 6/8 yrs of age by a neighbour.

My 4yrs older brother is abused by same neighbour.

My sister meanwhile is dieing of a blood disease.

She passes at age 14.

I'm 12 ,i was a lifesaving donor. And all it brings

My brother and his super control behaviour with my neice and nephew, iam not allowed with them fullstop without my brother being present

I'll leave out all the other things i have seen.

I'm 45 now. Just diagnosed ptsd with anxiety. Failed marriage and relationships like a drink, trying to numb it

Now wife i am with now is saying things, blurting them out that trigger so much pain. She has said the triggers since i met her .

I would ask if she could not say or talk like that as it just hurts..and now i just can't take it anymore, i just can't seem to cope with it.

They are setting my triggers and anxiety off..

I'm feeling the previous pain from as a child , now when she says those things.

I see the events from those words she says.

She herself shows every symptom of anxiety or previous pain.

Yet wont admit or disclose or even talk emotionally about it.

So my next marriage is nearly doomed.

Any ideas on helping me and her.

Without us both just running???

[white knight]

Hi TT, welcome

Clearly sometkmes we all need a hand to sort our problems out.

I'd highly recommend a counselor. Maybe start with your GP or ring Relationships Australia.

Good luck

Tony WK

[Tripletail]

Thanks white knight

I got diagnosed with ptsd due to csa with anxiety about 10 days ago..

Thus my questions..

[geoff]

hello Tripletail, such painful memories that don't seem to go away and what your wife says only reminds you of the past, that's awful, plus your wife is in denial, won't accept what's going on which makes your situation very difficult.
I can understand your need to drink alcohol, but it does three things, sure it may numb your feelings, may upset your wife and thirdly it doesn't make the problem go away, because it's back there the next day, so the cycle continues.
You can't help your wife until she realises that she needs to get help herself, and even by trying to mention this to her will only make her dig her heels in even more, something has to happen to her which will wake her up, unfortunately you won't be able to do this.
Your drinking is a consequence of what is happening now, as well as from those memories, and it may be creating a problem between the two of you, which could be making her obstinate in how she feels, so there is a cycle going on here, one thing starts and then the other starts, which means nothing is being achieved.
First of all you need help to try and cope with your PSTD, it's not easy I know, but there could be some way your psychologist can help you with, especially by what your wife is saying to you and learning to ignore these comments.
Once this is done, ( and I hope it can )then your wife will be making these remarks to someone who doesn't react to them, because that's what's making her do this, it creates a reaction from you and then you have a drink.
Lets begin by doing this to start off with and hope it helps, and then we can move on stage 2. Geoff.

[Tripletail]

Thanks geoff..

Yeah i think your right about why she does it..

The drinking yes..i have cut right back..if i only buy a six pack of light beer thats all i can drink each night.

Most of the things she says are sexual by nature, lots i do not need to hear. Almost all after she has been drinking. And almost always if i am drinking and/or not paying her attention. The rest of the time it's when she is jealous which is normally always.

It seems to be the same answer over getting her help.I can't force her yet i feel the relationship will be over if she can't stop..

It will take me a fair while to not react or not feel the pain from words and sentences like that

I mean i struggle with the adds for some new tv shows.. 7yr switch etc.

Thanks again

[Tripletail]

I looked up "obstinate"

Googled it geoff..

What a suitable word

That suits my situation

Thanks for that geoff as clarity sometimes seems so hard to find..

Many thanks TT

[geoff]

thanks, Tripletail, I'll get back to you tomorrow as I've been on since 2.30. am, but you make some interesting comments and please if I do happen to forget, make another comment so that I can remember, although I have written your avatar name done on my pad. Geoff.

[Guest_829]

hope your situation has cleared up a bit and things are making more sense to you.been reading your posts.you've had a lot to deal with.i cant handle things too loud,too in your face and too full on,so for the life of me i dont know how you've managed to get through most of it.you must be doing something right.hope things are better for you.

[geoff]

hello Tripletail, as she has been drinking this is certainly going to make her make these nasty comments back to you, this isn't what you want and it annoys and really frustrates you, because there doesn't seem to be any piece and no escape.
It's not going to good for you if it continues, and it will be difficult, perhaps impossible to even believe that your PSTD could be overcome.
It shouldn't be considered as though the marriage 'might be doomed', but rather as though this isn't the way you want to live, because I can't see her stopping, especially when she is drinking, only adding ammunition to the fire. Geoff.

[QldMouse]

Hi Tripletail,

I have a similar background, I feel for you mate. I have a couple more decades on you though.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2015 and have worked through it with a councilor. I went through several Councillors actually, unfortunately they are human also so persist until you find one that works for you.

I have/had a similar situation with my wife, yes they know where to dig those words in for maximum pain don't they? There must be a special class in high school they take girls off to for extra training.

But, persistence. After more that 25 years of marriage and more than 10 years stabbing each other with words we have been in counselling together now for almost 6 months and what a difference.

I know I'm pretty thick at relating to women but it seams even I can be trained, so clearly there is hope for us all.

It can be done. Hang in there and google "Persistence" and the images.

All the best.