PTSD and Trauma

Finally found the reason.

replies: 31

I got brought up in a loving christian family. So i got abused at 6/8 yrs of age by a neighbour. My 4yrs older brother is abused by same neighbour. My sister meanwhile is dieing of a blood disease. She passes at age 14. I'm 12 ,i was a lifesaving don... View more

I got brought up in a loving christian family. So i got abused at 6/8 yrs of age by a neighbour. My 4yrs older brother is abused by same neighbour. My sister meanwhile is dieing of a blood disease. She passes at age 14. I'm 12 ,i was a lifesaving donor. And all it brings My brother and his super control behaviour with my neice and nephew, iam not allowed with them fullstop without my brother being present I'll leave out all the other things i have seen. I'm 45 now. Just diagnosed ptsd with anxiety. Failed marriage and relationships like a drink, trying to numb it Now wife i am with now is saying things, blurting them out that trigger so much pain. She has said the triggers since i met her . I would ask if she could not say or talk like that as it just hurts..and now i just can't take it anymore, i just can't seem to cope with it. They are setting my triggers and anxiety off.. I'm feeling the previous pain from as a child , now when she says those things. I see the events from those words she says. She herself shows every symptom of anxiety or previous pain. Yet wont admit or disclose or even talk emotionally about it. So my next marriage is nearly doomed. Any ideas on helping me and her. Without us both just running???

Wanting to talk to my abuser

replies: 5

Something happened to me 10 years ago which I have been carrying around because I didn't know what to make of it. During a random episode that I get every now and then I felt finally ready to tell my husband who I have been with for 9 years exactly w... View more

Something happened to me 10 years ago which I have been carrying around because I didn't know what to make of it. During a random episode that I get every now and then I felt finally ready to tell my husband who I have been with for 9 years exactly what happened. I felt a bit of relief to get it off my chest but still having a hard time. 10 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy who was very controlling, jealous and suicidal. He was very mentally abusive and manipulative. I remember clearly the huge screaming fights he would have with me in front of everyone, cornering me at my locker, following me to an empty classroom locking the door and getting all in my face, forcing me to say I love him, threatening to kill himself and blaming me if I was to breakup with him. I could go on but it was so full on. After 6 months of attempting to leave him we went through a stage of him accepting we were going to be over and doing everything 'one last time'. I remember being at his house trying to break up with him and he wanted to do things with me one last time. I said no at first but he begged and begged. I didn't want to but then he promised if I let him he would leave me alone. Thinking back at it now I think how stupid I was to believe something like that. But at the time I felt like that was my only option to finally get him to leave me alone. I wanted to believe him so much. So I let him. He didn't keep his word. Instead he went and told all his friends all the details and how 'I enjoyed it' which made me feel so ashamed of myself to actually let this happen. To be so foolish to believe him. I guess I was desperate to believe anything to have him leave me alone. Flash forward 10 years and still get jumpy with the sound of his name, being in a crowd or anyone that comes around the corner that catches me with surprise. I get panic attacks, I get a lot of anxiety and with any confrontation I can't handle it. I feel like I should be over it by now. I don't even know if what happened was considered sexual assault because I let him. I don't know what to make out of it. I sometimes feel like I want to confront him. I want to know if he knew what he did was wrong and if he regrets it. I know it won't change anything but I think a lot about the conversation. It's very unlikely that would happen. I guess it makes my angry that's his happy and I'm still effected by this 10 years later. Has anyone ever confronted the person before and felt like it helped them?

Is it normal to feel so flat all the time ?

replies: 5

Hi all, I’m a 46 year old woman and quite attractive, but I really struggle with low self esteem, feelings of boredom/emptiness - lack of enthusiasm for anything, fatigue, & general apathy towards whatever I am doing. Although my life is pretty good,... View more

Hi all, I’m a 46 year old woman and quite attractive, but I really struggle with low self esteem, feelings of boredom/emptiness - lack of enthusiasm for anything, fatigue, & general apathy towards whatever I am doing. Although my life is pretty good, compared to a lot of others: I have a partner of 15 yrs, a 27yr old daughter and 3 x adult stepchildren & my 15 month old grandson. We own our own beautiful home. I work my own hours within my partners business. We all have good health. I don't have any hobbies or interests. I have tried to get into all sorts of things but the enthusiasm isn't there. I've tried gyms, yoga, meditation, etc. All these things were ok when I started but never lasted more than a few weeks before I stopped doing them because I just couldn't be bothered. I have rarely ever finished anything in life that I have started. I can't focus on tasks at work most times. No matter how much I have to do I always find myself mentally wandering off. I was diagnosed with depression a few yrs ago, and went on anti depressants for a month or so. I stopped taking them as I didn’t feel any different on them and I hated the stigma attached to taking them. I was sexually abused by my own grandfather from the age of 4 yrs until the age of 8. This abuse was not constant, it was on and off over these years. I remember all of it. My family were unaware of this so there was nobody to protect me back then. I have been to therapists over the years to try and deal with it, but all they do is ask how I felt and I have to repeat the story over. I guess I feel hurt that when I told my parents on my 18th birthday about the abuse, they didn’t approach him about it as he was very high up in the Police Force and it was all too hard? I don’t know. So I end up feeling lost in my own life. I don't know what I want to do, I do know that I want to stop putting myself down and thinking that everyone else is above me. I want a passion, an interest, but there is nothing there. Is it depression? Laziness? I don't know. But it's there. All the time. A big emptiness that surrounds me, and I can't see the way out. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I have read many people’s experiences online and I can identify with them a lot. So I guess I want to put my feelings out there somewhere. Maybe to help someone else feel that they are not “alone” in feeling this way, but maybe, so that I will have some kind of “belonging” by sharing this with people. x

Feel like I'm not alowed to say I have PTSD.

replies: 1

A few years ago I had a real crappy experience that triggered night terrors and the feeling of never being safe, having to be on guard all the time. My boyfriends father attempted to strangle me. He never got to lay a finger on me but was real close ... View more

A few years ago I had a real crappy experience that triggered night terrors and the feeling of never being safe, having to be on guard all the time. My boyfriends father attempted to strangle me. He never got to lay a finger on me but was real close and the intention was really obvious. My therapist told me I was having symptoms of PTSD but not just from that event but from everything else in my life leading to it and that scare triggered it. Im the youngest of five, my mother is mentally unwell, my home wasn't a happy place and not a place I ever felt I could be myself. Always stressful. I have very difficult relationships with all my siblings. I feel that none of us learnt how to deal with our pain so would take it out on the next person and then that person would take it out on the next and so on. And you see I'm at endof this screwed up waterfall but I didn't have anyone to take it out on but myself. I was diagonosed with anxiety in kindergarten I think and probably was depressed since then too. After this incident with my boyfriends dad I was heartbroken and shocked to have 2 family members feel the need to repetivly and kinda aggressively remind me that he didn't touch me. In a way to tell me I have no reason to still be upset or struggling with it. Something I have put together recently is this shame of being the victim that my eldest sister passed onto me. Both of my sisters were sexually abused by my eldest brother, I have no memories of it happening to me but I can't rule out the possibility (use to change my nappies and babysit) but I'm not aloud to talk about it. So because of my sisters trauma she has put me down whenever I've shown any sign of feeling sorry for myself. I have many experiences with family members that still effect me to this day. They are manipulative, hypercritical and narcissistic. my mind does this thing where it just thinks of horrible things happening and then another and another n it snowballs n I feel stressed n scared. I have a lot of self doubt and find myself shouting in empty rooms cause I'm so angry. It makes sense to me that I have PTSD but my therapist had a baby n I have moved so I haven't had the chance to really talk about it to anyone. Im sick of feeling ashamed to think I might have PTSD, because I never been physically abused so therefore I'm not alowed to say I'm struggling.

Sibling Abuse

replies: 4

I'm gonna try make this quick before I recede back into myself. I think, like most all people here, I have a history of mental health problems. Namely I go through bouts of depression & anxiety- sometimes it isn't so bad, other times its terrible. I'... View more

I'm gonna try make this quick before I recede back into myself. I think, like most all people here, I have a history of mental health problems. Namely I go through bouts of depression & anxiety- sometimes it isn't so bad, other times its terrible. I'm in that terrible place right now. Now I like actively seeking to understand and resolve myself. I fought my problems whilst I was school fairly actively: I joined the public speaking team, I saw counsellors, I made a concerned effort to connect with people & maintain friendships and I opened my feelings to them. It worked pretty well. But now I'm out of school and working a lot of those safeguards have been removed, and although it could be worse, I'm still struggling. And I think I've found the prime mover for a lot of my problems. My older brother is 4 years older than me and from the ages of 12-16 I was victim of what I think is abuse. Despite being mildly bullied at school, home wasn't a particularly pleasant place for me. My brother and I were always fighting and I feel his actions were unjustified. I have blurry memories of instances of physical and emotional abuse. I remember him tackling me through dry wall once. I remember him hurting me with a pencil. I remember him throwing a salt shaker that narrowly missed me. I remember regular physical fights that left me in tears and my ears ringing, and when I hid in my room he'd sing and laugh at me, taunting me and, afterwards, he'd nonchalantly watch TV, and I'd be stuck in my room for hours because I didn't want the confrontation. To be fair he gave a lot of my family a tough time (even now we physically fight- yes he lives with us still). We couldn't sit near each other at the dinner table. He lived with my grandparents at one point. I used to have dreams of me fighting him, but every time he felt nothing, like my hands were made of nothing. There's so much else that I can remember, and so much else I feel I've forgotten. I've traced a lot of my current-day issues to him, and now there's nothing more I want to do than to hurt him the way he's hurt me, but even so the idea makes me want to cry, and I tremor and get scared. Any form of confrontation with him amplifies these reactions. My depression and anxiety is getting worse, and I know how bad it can get. Is it safe to assume that my childhood experiences with my brother are the reason, or at least, a partial reason for this? What should I do?

A grief I can't shift

replies: 3

As a child I was raised by my maternal grandparents and lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's Disease at age 15. I was completely destroyed as both he and my grandmother were my world. My grandfather was a very kind man with not a bad bone in his body. ... View more

As a child I was raised by my maternal grandparents and lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's Disease at age 15. I was completely destroyed as both he and my grandmother were my world. My grandfather was a very kind man with not a bad bone in his body. He was quiet, but at the same time he was very merry, loved to joke, sing Italian opera and loved kids. I couldn't have asked for better grandparents and life was basically perfect, minus the fact I was teased a lot at school for having Italian grandparents who couldn't speak English. They grew all their own food, spent their days making pasta and pasta sauce en-masse. I kind of grew up like someone would have in the early 20th century - at night we would eat cheese after dinner, go for our evening passeggiata and then play cards. The days I would spend in the orchard playing with the chickens or following my grandfather around the garage, or learn to sew. I learnt to read and write in Italian before I went to school, and during school I practised Italian literacy and history for an hour each day. I never really did fit in with many people because my upbringing was so starkly different to every other child in the 1990s. I still feel dreadful from my grandfather's death and a big part of me mourns a way of living that no longer exists in our modern. For the most part, I feel like no one really gets me, except for people about 50 years older than me with whom I seem to get along quite well. Fast forward to the last few years and in the space of one year both my dogs died after being poisoned by a next door neighbour, then my grandmother who raised me died quite suddenly. Now only several months my other grandmother with whom I am quite close now has cancer. Death is inevitable, and I know this, but with all those closest to me dying - particularly now in the past year - I don't really know how to cope. I feel like I have nothing good left in my life or no one to really live for. I would love to regain a new sense of purpose.

Husband just diagnosed with PTSD

replies: 19

Hi, very new to all of this. My husband has just been diagnosed with PTSD which I can see now that he has been suffering with for years. I am trying to be supportive but am sick of the verbal abuse I receive when I point out his anger outbursts. He s... View more

Hi, very new to all of this. My husband has just been diagnosed with PTSD which I can see now that he has been suffering with for years. I am trying to be supportive but am sick of the verbal abuse I receive when I point out his anger outbursts. He swears at our 3 children for no reason and I can't listen to this anymore. We just left his doctors office who had requested me to attend to work together in getting him a plan and discuss triggers. We are working on baby steps, this includes us going camping. I pointed out that this could trigger outbursts if he couldn't find his camping equipment. When we left the doctors, he fully abused me for not supporting him in his interests, to the point he questioned why we are married. I don't know what to do, I'm always in the wrong. I am trying to look after mine and my children's wellbeing but still staying supportive to my husband. I don't know how much more I can take......

Long hard fight

replies: 8

Hello all finding it hard to cope. My first experience with ptsd was when I was 7 years old. It was my first time fishing on a beach. I heard a scream, and turned around to see a man fall from a cliff. I was not far way and it still haunts me. It was... View more

Hello all finding it hard to cope. My first experience with ptsd was when I was 7 years old. It was my first time fishing on a beach. I heard a scream, and turned around to see a man fall from a cliff. I was not far way and it still haunts me. It was sureel I can remember running around screaming for help. I felt so help less. Once the ambos got there and carefully got him on to trolley and in ambo he was dead in a few minutes. I was left with nightmares for several years, and started bed wetting which lasted years. Since that day I am scared of heights. My second ptsd experience was on 8/03/98 was a car accident into a tree, l got knocked out and woke up inside my car which was well alight, and full of smoke. The doors would not open, it got scary. Had to wind down window to get out. One night in hospital, and 3 days off work. Did 2 days of work and it was the weekend, felt lucky to be alive, the ptsd did not hit me yet. But that Saturday 14/03/98 I was in the city crossing flinders st and got hit by a police car speeding with no lights or sirens on. Did not get knocked out, remember it like yesterday. Almost lost my leg. 4 months in wheel chair 8 months off work. I was 20 years old in my prime, long hard road to recovery. I have been battling the black dog on and off since then, used alcohol and drugs for many years to self medicate. Have had on going back problems since then. For the last 19 years life has been a real struggle. I worry to much and all the other problems that come with ptsd. Lost most of my friends and have not had a girl friend since then. My life is a mess can't seem to get my shit together. With every passing year l look back and wish it was my last year alive. I am a broken man with no hope, goals or dreams. I am tired of fighting to stay alive. I have read some of the members story's and help u give each other. It has given me hope. And l don't feel alone, knowing there are people going though this life changing terrible stuff.

Stroke with a soul

replies: 4

Not sure this is the right avenue and won`t know unless I have ago Am aged in the mid 50`s and have had 2 strokes one in 2005 and one in 2009, each time having depression,anxiety and PTSD issues, that at the time didn`t realise I had. Means of commun... View more

Not sure this is the right avenue and won`t know unless I have ago Am aged in the mid 50`s and have had 2 strokes one in 2005 and one in 2009, each time having depression,anxiety and PTSD issues, that at the time didn`t realise I had. Means of communication with others in the same boat was unavailable and thoughts of leaving family members, is part of the reason I am still here. So this topic is to share and hopefully it will gain a soul.

Underestimating my PTSD (Trigger warning, descriptions of violence)

replies: 17

Is it okay to describe my traumatic event here? Please don't read on if it will make you anxious - I gave some advice on an anxiety thread that I realized I haven't always been following myself with my PTSD - that is, because I don't see my traumatic... View more

Is it okay to describe my traumatic event here? Please don't read on if it will make you anxious - I gave some advice on an anxiety thread that I realized I haven't always been following myself with my PTSD - that is, because I don't see my traumatic event as being as "serious" or "as bad" as many other people's (which it isn't) - I think I "shouldn't" be suffering PTSD for it - I should just "get over it". Also because my anxiety has been quite extreme and much more of a handicap in my life, I've put up with the milder PTSD problems while I try to deal with the anxiety. In my case my dad was very angry and violent and hit us kids quite a lot (out of anger rather than discipline) but for whatever reason, the event that I suffer PTSD over was of witnessing him beating the animals on our farm - though we were terrified of him personally - it was seeing him hitting the animals with sticks, rakes, shovels etc. that has affected my sister and I all our lives. We could always hear the animals screaming out (indeed neighbouring farms rang the RSPCA a number of times) but we always avoided going out to see what was happening. When I was around 7 years old, my older sister encouraged/made me go out to see what was going on and he was hitting one of the animals in the milking pen as hard as he possibly could with a garden stake - the sight of it trying to escape with it's head stuck in the stock of the milking pen and the uncontrolled rage that my dad had has stuck with me for more than 30 years. (I saw him beat them many more times but that first occasion just got stuck in my head) It would happen at night in the dark and the milking shed would be all lit up so it was the only thing you could see (I can STILL see it!) I very often had nightmares, flashbacks, sometimes vomiting when I thought of it and it fed into my anxiety in a big way - I was always anxious that I would accidentally anger someone (forget their name, bump my shopping trolley into them, refuse to donate to their charity...!) but the picture of what anger LOOKED like was that image of my dad. Besides the relief of talking about it, my point is that it doesn't matter if it was a big or small thing that traumatized us - the affect on our lives can be just as devastating - I wish I had taken it much more seriously, much earlier on... thanks for letting me share, J.

Pinned discussions

PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

All discussions

Finally found the reason.

replies: 31

Wanting to talk to my abuser

replies: 5

Is it normal to feel so flat all the time ?

replies: 5

Feel like I'm not alowed to say I have PTSD.

replies: 1

Sibling Abuse

replies: 4

A grief I can't shift

replies: 3

Husband just diagnosed with PTSD

replies: 19

Long hard fight

replies: 8

Stroke with a soul

replies: 4

Underestimating my PTSD (Trigger warning, descriptions of violence)

replies: 17

PTSD and trauma

PTSD for Medical and First Responders replies: 276

Finally found the reason. replies: 31

Wanting to talk to my abuser replies: 5

Is it normal to feel so flat all the time ? replies: 5

Feel like I'm not alowed to say I have PTSD. replies: 1

Sibling Abuse replies: 4

A grief I can't shift replies: 3

Husband just diagnosed with PTSD replies: 19

Long hard fight replies: 8

Stroke with a soul replies: 4

Underestimating my PTSD (Trigger warning, descriptions of violence) replies: 17

PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

Finally found the reason.

replies: 31

Wanting to talk to my abuser

replies: 5

Is it normal to feel so flat all the time ?

replies: 5

Feel like I'm not alowed to say I have PTSD.

replies: 1

Sibling Abuse

replies: 4

A grief I can't shift

replies: 3

Husband just diagnosed with PTSD

replies: 19

Long hard fight

replies: 8

Stroke with a soul

replies: 4

Underestimating my PTSD (Trigger warning, descriptions of violence)

replies: 17