I need answers

[LightLover]

Hello,

I think that I have been suffering from PTSD or some form of mental illness since I turned 18 (now 24).
I have told my parents and friends on random one off occasions that I think I am not okay but people don't seem to respond.

I feel anxiety everyday, all the time I cannot concentrate, I cannot work and I no passion, no drive no motivation to chase my dreams. I never feel good enough and I sometimes feel pain in my chest, physical pain that is from my brain..if that makes sense...it tingles down my arms and through my hands. My family and friends call it 'being lazy', 'everyone goes through this', 'it's normal'. I just cannot even function! How can this be normal! I'm lying to my family about studying at uni, I'm lying about applying fro jobs, I'm lying about everything because I feel so crap all the time that all I want to do is sleep so that I don't have to think.

My father was an alcoholic and suffered from mental illness himself. My two ex boyfriends where abusive and I feel like now I am left with nothing, no confidence and no happiness. I have had 5 terminations from the ages of 18-22 and I feel that I let it keep on happening because I just did not care at all, about my body, about my future, nothing. To me looking back. It was my form of self harm. I would feel so in love with something and then I would take it away as a way of punishing myself. I wanted them every single time but my family would've disowned me. I couldn't bare the thought of hurting them anymore. I know my mind isn't healthy.

I so badly want to succeed in my life and move forward but something inside is stopping me. I have put on a brave face for so long that I can't even hide it anymore. Everyone knows I'm different. They can all see it. People look at me and see someone 'beautiful', 'smart', 'funny' but they have no idea of how much it hurts to get up in the morning and show my face. I hate myself and I need help. I just don't know what to do.

I saw a psychologist but she told me that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. She said I can't change it but I have to learn to deal with it. That has seriously and honestly given me zero help and has made me feel even more crap about my future prospects.

All I want is to be able to function in this world and achieve things. However, right now and looking back on my past and the slow tiny progress I have made, this seems like it will never happen for me.

I just want to be better and to get on with my life.

[Zeal]

Hi LightLover,

Welcome to the forum, and nice display name 🙂 I am a 23 year old female by the way, and I've had anxiety/OCD for 10 years now.

Suffering with mental health challenges for six years with virtually no support from others is really rough. You deserve help so that you can function better and achieve things you would like to. It is clear that you badly want to get better, which is encouraging. Wanting to seek help and improve your situation is the first step. You are certainly not lazy. You want to do things and are thinking about the future, but you're unable to act on things due to anxiety and other psychological barriers. I am so sorry to hear that you were mistreated by your two ex- boyfriends. It's horrible that people treat close others like this. The five terminations must have been really emotionally and physically draining too.

Seeing a doctor (GP) soon is crucial. If you don't have a regular doctor, use Google to search for local GP's. The GP can give you advice and guidance, devise a mental healthcare plan (to reduce appointment fees), and refer you to a suitable professional. I recommend jotting down issues you're facing and any thoughts on your situation in a notebook. This way, you can take the notebook to your appointment and not need to worry about forgetting something.

If you would like to talk further, please reply 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I'm glad Zeal responded. A lot of what you said struck a chord with me. I have to tend to something but will be back later with a post (I wanted to post so your thread would be saved on my account).

Thinking of you.

Dottie x

[MarkJT]

Lightlover, you need to get to the GP and then possibly onto a psych. That psych that said you will be like this for the rest of your life needs to have their licence revoked.

Now you need to read this and listen to what i am saying, you CAN live a happy life, you CAN achieve what you want to achieve, you CAN find a man that will treat you well - the way you deserve to be treated and you CAN live a long and happy life. The first move though is entirely up to you and that is to see the GP. Zeal's advice is golden so please take that!

In regards to your ex boyfriends that treated you like that, I wouldn't mind guessing that beneath their utterly despicable are two very uneasy boys. Domestic violence, be that physical or mental is disgusting and you as a female, deserve and should be treated a whole lot better.

As Zeal has said, please feel free to post further questions or queries, be happy to help were we can.

Well done for posting to, takes courage. Great work.

Mark.

[Guest_322]

Hi LightLover,

You sound absolutely shattered and drained; the past 6 years must have been excruciating. As you said so yourself, you have more or less been suffering in silence. Public face/private pain is something that I can relate to very well. I'm 20 years old btw.

I don't think you're lazy. What I do think is you're hurting. What I do think is you need support. What I do think is you're really tired. Many things come to mind but "lazy" is definitely not one of them.

I think when our parents were unwell when we were growing up- like your father's addiction and other mental illnesses, and my own parents' various problems- it can kind of throw us off balance a bit. Like we lose an anchor of sorts and have to- to an extent- fend for ourselves, which can leave scars. It can leave this feeling of being thrown from pole to pole without knowing where the ground is (hope this makes sense to you).

About your 2 exes, I think that's what abusers do. It's cruel and it's about power and disempowerment. They try to gradually chip away at your sense of self worth and self esteem till you start believing you're worth nothing (which is what they want so they can try to control you).

They're liars.

Each termination must have been (and is) so traumatic for you. I'm so, so sorry you had to go through all that...you deserve better. Please know that.

It must have felt so disheartening when your psych said that you'll be feeling as you are for the rest of your life. Ouch.

Can I make a suggestion please?

Perhaps you could try another psychologist- kind of like getting a second opinion? Maybe s/he will have a different perspective.

Hey, good on you for reaching out here. Please write back if you need some support. There's always an empathetic ear here.

Dottie x

[GuestYD]

Hi lightlover

Well done for posting here.

It sounds like you have been going through a lot.

My thoughts are that it would be good to go to the GP and get a referral to a new psychologist. Hopefully that helps because I'm really sorry your previous psychologist was so unhelpful.

LC

[geoff]

hello LightLover, all you want is to feel being loved, what's wrong with that, nothing, but when you hit so many closed doors it makes you feel as though nothing is ever going to improve, and with great comments like all those above me it will change one day, not now, which I'm sure that it would today, but it just takes a bit of sensible counselling to get you over this hurdle.
Your confidence has gone a long time ago with your dad being an alcoholic and then to be abused by two ex's, they have smashed any feeling of achievement, your ability to try and your feeling as though you are worth every part of you to succeed, but it's only hidden away and that's why you feel terrible.
If a psychologist says that you will be like this forever isn't going to give you any desire to achieve anything, it pushes you into a hole which is then sealed up and then your life has been lost, go and get another opinion.
You need to be yourself, get rid of this fake image that shows people that you look to be going well, the longer you hide it the longer it is going to take for you to begin any sort of recovery, I know it's going to be painful and you may feel lost and devastated, but you are already at rock bottom, you can't go any lower than this, and in way that's good because the only way now is up.
Don't worry if you happen to fall back, we all have done this, not once but several times, but each time we learn something along the way, and when this does happen write it down where you can see it, then read it again and again, that's what you have to base your recovery on. Geoff. x