Male survivors of sexual abuse or assault

[Cornstarch]

I am not a man hater because I was sexually assaulted by one.

I love my male friends and taking a break from the tedious female psyche with them is blissful at times and a real hoot.

I attempted to post some url resources for sexual abuse survivors as I am so worried with how they are coping and they did not pass.

You really scare me sometimes brothers. I feel useless at times with the elements of coming to grips with this that are specific to males.

They may be triggering so please be cautious and sensible when engaging with them. Maybe it is wisest you don't do it alone at all. You could read them with a trusted friend, sibling, neighbour, parent, partner or take your tablet or smart phone to your GP or health professional and chat about it with them. Australia is so far behind.

Google: The Bristlecone Project, Jim Hopper, 1 in 6 and Dr Bessel van der Kolk

[MarkJT]

Really interesting subject this one Cornstarch. It is a very dark subject and as someone that has not experienced it, I cannot begin to imagine what it is like. The mental damage done is obviously significant and from your previous posts, to happen at a young age is just so damaging.

Statistics say that females are far more assaulted than males and there is a heap of work going into the education and prevention of sexual abuse and much like domestic violence, the males are featured as the offenders, but as you point out, what about the males that are victims? Do they feel additionally victimised due to there being not a whole lot of education and prevention of assaults by other males and females against males? Who do they turn to when they have been assaulted? Do crises support centers take in males that are victims? I wonder how many males are out there that have been assaulted but have not reported it due to the stigma surrounding it? So many questions. I have no doubt that someone on these forums is in the exact position that i am talking about and with your experiance, I think you may know a few males within this scope. I so hope that they find the confidence and the willingness to seek assistance they need or want as they did nothing wrong, they deserve to be happy and treated well.

Absolutely agree with you in that if a male was to talk about it, it be with a trusted person who will no judge but support in a safe place.

Thank you for the post, continual education is brought upon by subjects being brought up and spoken about.

[Cornstarch]

Thanks MarkJT. You're very brave just to reply. From memory you are a police officer. No doubt you would have heard many accounts of this heinous crime.

Yes, I was very young and now I feel like a dinosaur inside. Everyone who has been sexually abused feels like they are a dinosaur inside. It's almost as if the stress response activates this visceral sensation where you feel old for the rest of your life. It's always been hard relating to people my own age because this crime was coupled with being a child carer. Zero "age appropriate responsibility" + near death experience will do that to anyone.

It is a very dark subject. Of course it overwhelms people. Of course people don't want to talk about it. And until you have experienced it, it's hard to put it into words.

Who wants to walk around thinking about childhood sexual abuse all day long.

Not me. And I completely understand why other people don't either.

But I am deeply concerned about our men and our boys.

Of course our girls and women too, but there is so much gender bias.

That clinic I go to, I am yet to see one male in the waiting room. You cannot tell me that is indicative of how many men have been abused.

I wish I could do more.

I really hope to advocate more heavily one day. I hope I can be more robust soon, so I can go public, even if it helps just one person it would make all of my pain be a least worth something.

I try to be as open as I can be if I have the strength to speak up and break through the shame and embarrassment, as a way to advocate.

I know that doesn't really mean much, but I guess it might mean a little to someone.

[blondguy]

Hey CS. This is an important topic as many guys dont disclose physical/emotional abuse. It also speaks volumes about the past and current figures on reported domestic abuse through non disclosure from males.

After a 50/50 verbal argument with my ex partner 20 years ago, I was told to go outside and sleep in my car otherwise she would call the police and say she was being raped (that itself speaks volumes). I refused of course and then had a 2kg glass vase thrown at my head which unfortunately hit hard. Hospital...ambulance...etc etc...

I spoke to a female GP about this 20 years later (this year) by phone that has her own show on Melbourne radio once a week and she was upset and perplexed that the major hospital didnt even offer counseling after I was attacked & the 30 stitches. I still have the ER wrist band from when I was admitted.

I am 85kilos and my partner was 43kilos at the time. I have never (and never will) been physically or emotionally abusive towards a partner or anyone, no matter whatever the circumstances.

With all respect to the females that suffer from this heinous abuse, you are not the only victims here..

Males are too...unfortunately

I cant believe how hard this was to write

Paul

[Karam]

Hello,

Thank you for bringing this topic to the front. I am an abuse victim. The offender was my uncle. When my family broke-down due to an affair, I was only 14 and mum was my pick as she was the right one. She had the support of her family, especially her male cousin.

He started visiting us frequently and started talking to me about puberty....one thing led to another - went on for a while. I was deeply disturbed and felt upset by it but could not speak to anyone and each time he used the line of 'if I dont follow him, he cant support mum anymore'

It took me decades to get over it, still have not fully over it. I went on emotional eating and had many trust issues. It was only recently that I spoke about it - after watching and ad which said you are never alone and there is always support. All I needed was a voice - to be heard thats it.

It is not easy for men to speak as we are often the bad character but what I figured was that - if they dont speak, they go through a cycle to believe that what happen might be ok and the danger is that they mentally accpet that it is fine and then inflict the pain on others. This goes out to females as well. I feel it is really important that people are made aware that they should talk, they should speak and they should know that no one is alone. There will always be someone who is ready to listen and help you overcome your trauma and pain

It never is an easy path, never will be, but nothing is impossible 🙂

[MarkJT]

CS, appreciate the words but with respect, i don't see it as being brave, i see it as me sticking up for and wanting to protect those men that are not comfortable enough for what ever reason to not report their assaults and seek treatment for the psychological aftermath.

Yes i am a Police Officer and unfortunately have seen many acts of sexual abuse against males and they are the ones that reported. I shudder to think how many go unreported.

Although not active within it, I am fiercely protective of the LGBTI community - why should people feel threatened or unsafe just because they are being who they want to be. It's disgusting the way some members of this community is treated. This has the feed on effect that if they are victimised, they may not report the offences against them. Now without closure of the offence, i.e. someone being charged and dealt with according to law, how can someone be expected to some how move on with their lives. Just compounds the psychological trauma.

Hopefully one day as a society we can get to a position where males will feel no different to anyone else reporting and seeking treatment, both physically and mentally for the assaults committed on them.

[Cornstarch]

Gosh Paul,

Thank-you so much for your courage and sharing your story and sticking up for guys.

What gender bias with regards to when you sought treatment! How awful for you.

You have spoken about the 'grey' areas around mental illness, domestic violence, inter-personal abuse, inter-personal relationship dynamics, that people don't expect actually happen inside of Australian homes but they do!

As far as abuse is concerned nothing shocks me anymore, and yet the shame for victims persists.

Another very taboo subject is female perpetrators of sexual abuse. I am telling you now they are out there in high numbers!

As you say how can we as a society expect things to change if we aren't willing to acknowledge the 'grey'.

Hugs, or in your case it would be a bear hug to me because I'm only a little cub. I stopped growing in year 8.

xxxxx

[Cornstarch]

'Blood line betrayals' are sickening. Thank you for sharing and shining light on this horrible topic but one that needs to be spoken about no matter how dark.

It sounds like you have adjusted amazingly well but I am sure you are still haunted.

Trust issues just go hand-in-hand when the betrayal is of an interpersonal nature unfortunately.

I hope you find sincere intimacy in your life, it's really hard to feel like everyone isn't a monster somedays.

I know I struggle.

Good luck with everything.

Be careful and sensible when reading the resources. They may be too triggering for you and sometimes you just have to put things aside.

Of course we are all trapped inside of the narrative for years.

But eventually the story will become a total, complete bore, and you wouldn't care less if it was presented live on the 7 o'clock news you are so fed up with the loop.

I hope you get to this stage because that's when you know you've turned a major corner.

Good luck xxxx

[Cornstarch]

Thanks for such ongoing support Mark you're a star.

I suppose I said 'brave' because you'd be surprised how many guys would not even utter a single word about this topic out of fear of being implicated as a victim or a perpetrator.

Being raped when your intrinsic self is homosexual has created another dimension to my grief there is no doubt about that, but I will never be a man hater, I love my male friends. They are refreshing to hang out with.

Keep up the good work

Corn-Dog

[blondguy]

Thankyou Corny for the superhugs and kind words re my assault

Paul xo