Too much to bare

[Kbet]

I lost my father to cancer before I turned 5 years old and I still remember seeing his face in hospital in those last precious moments. I went through many traumatic moments as an adolescent (abuse) and when I was 16 years old I witnessed a murder. Life just got worse from there miscarriages, rape and domestic violence. A never-ending spiral of hatred, self loathing and a feeling of being tortured. I have tried to stay strong but my grip is slipping. I can no longer see anything in front of me. Nothing worth holding onto. More and more things keep piling up on my shoulders. A brother with cancer, an elderly mother and a dysfunctional family. I have no support system because I am the support system. I have put all my memories into boxes in my mind just so I can wake up each day and go to work. I don't even know how I manage that because I find myself making myself sick with worry just so I don't have to leave my house. So I don't have to pretend to be alright. I barely sleep and I find it hard to communicate with people. How can I function now?

[Kbet]

Dear Neil,

I will try to brainstorm with the kids and find out what they want to play. Maybe this will help them pick something they might actually want to do. I loved Yahtzee and adore scrabble because I love words.. Spending time with them is something I want to expand on that is for sure.

My son is so much like the teenager you mentioned. He spends 90% of his time at home in his room on the internet playing games or studying. He only ever surfaces when the internet goes down, he is hungry or needs the bathroom. I often think that I am losing touch with who my children are now they are getting older and sometimes its like I don't know who they are at all. I know that as your children get older the relationship changes slightly but sometimes I feel very disconnected from them. I want that to change. I want to be involved in there lives more. I just wish I knew how.

I am enjoying my writing. I especially enjoy writing about werewolves and vampires and have done a lot of research into the direction I want to take it. I have sounds ideas about how I want the story to progress but I have hit a bit of a snag, my mind is so full of coping with what I am going through right now that I haven't been able to move forward. I have only written 55,000 words so far and there is still so much more to go. I haven't even looked at my story for a few months but I hope to get back to it. I would like to write my memoirs but I have had a lot of things happen in my life that I have never shared. I will definitely keep it in mind though because it would be very cathartic.

How are you feeling today? I cant thankyou enough for listening and responding to my posts. Its has brought me great comfort the last couple of days. You are such a lovely person and so very genuine which I find rare in todays society. I hope that life is treating you kind and you have managed to find something to smile about today.

Sending my best wishes to you.

Kbet x

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

Great to hear from you again;  and yes, there are so many games out there, that can be fun.  It’s just a matter I guess of either finding the right one OR waiting until you see signs of your kids perhaps wanting to do ‘stuff’ with their parents, etc.  But something as you say, very worth expanding on and working on.

That’s the thing with how we’re feeling – if you’re at a low ebb and simply don’t wish to write or feel like you can’t, that’s totally cool.  You’re the most important person in the world and as such, you need to make sure you’re doing everything that you possibly can to make sure you’re on the right track and everything you can to be feeling better.  The writing, the story isn’t going anywhere – the good thing to know is that it IS there and that you can go back to it when you feel able to do so.

On the other side of the coin, it’s very important to know that you do enjoy writing, so this could be something that you’re still able to do, while on your journey forward.

I’ve been feeling quite blah for some time now – whether it’s this time of year, I’m not sure.  I do have some injuries that aren’t much fun, and as I’m usually a pretty physical active person, this is very frustrating.  On top of this, I’m still processing my Mum not being here anymore;  which was 12 months back in October.  And how everything still continues on, as normal.

I do usually get a good smile of an evening, when I catch up with my Mum’s little dog;  she’s the one in the pic;  she is just so incredibly cute;  16yo and a bit wonky, but her personality is just beautiful.  And lucky for her, she loves being held … cause she sure gets her share of spoils and cuddles.  🙂

You made me blush with your words about me … thank you so much for your super kind words.

Neil

[Kbet]

Hi Neil,

Yes I will get back to my story at some stage. I have found it more important lately to try and cope with everyday and am finding just doing that is quite tiring. I hope that with my absence from work (due to Christmas shutdown) I will be able to get some time to write a few paragraphs or maybe even a chapter.

I might start journaling again. I had a journal for a few years when I was in my late teens to deal with those everyday feelings that I have. I use to write poems about the inner darkness and that helped me encapsulate my feelings in a more direct form. I might try this again and see if it sheds any light on what state the inner turmoil is at.

I get asked all the time to try and explain what I am feeling inside. Sometimes I can pinpoint the emotions quite well and other times I get caught up in the web of my existence and struggle to explain the darkness surrounding me. Articulating what is going on in "the super hwy" that is my brain confuses my husband and he struggles to understand how to cope with my ever changing moods and random outbursts. I usually am a very calm person so when I randomly "go off" at him for something insignificant he usually asks me where it's coming from. (I tend to box up my pain, hurt and anger until I am ready to explode) It isn't his fault, I know that and I try to tell him that but I feel like someone should notice that I am not coping. I don't know if that makes sense.

I am sorry to hear you have been feeling blah... I have injuries too, I broke my shoulder bone in half about 4 months ago and I am still struggling with range of movement and pain. I also have a nice scar to show for it. I should go back to the orthopaedic surgeon but I am just so over bad news and really detest going to the doctors in any way shape or form. I usually avoid it at all costs. Mainly because it costs me so much these days. I hope that the injuries are healing and you get some semblance of normalcy back into your life.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. This would have been a devastating blow for sure. I cant even imagine what that would be like. I lost my dad but there is definitely something special about the bond with a mum that leaves a lasting impression on your psyche. I hope you get a little peace by knowing she is never really gone as long as her memory still remains with you.

Your mums dog is awesome. I have a little dog too!!! The comfort they give is priceless. Take care of You!!

Kbet

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

Thank you for your lovely words regarding Mum.  Having lost both parents now, and how I shared a great bond with both, it is very hard dealing with and coming to terms with.  Dad passed away in 2007 and yet I still want to call him up and talk to him.  Used to phone home probably twice a week on average. 

I’ve now got two separate tatts that are in memory of Dad and Mum – both on my lower right leg;  one on the inside of the calf and the other on the outside of the calf.  And with Mum’s which was done about a month ago, with flowers looping through in the shape of a heart, I designed it to then loop through Dad’s tatt as well (done in 2008) and so the link for them is there again.  They were married for 53 years.

But grief is just so hard – and I’ve lost a brother in 1991, and so 3 deaths – so close to you – they’ve really affected me and it’s just so difficult to deal with.  Knowing that they’re gone – totally final.  You cannot do anything about it and that’s where you just have to move on – you have to continue to keep going.

That’s where my two children are so incredibly important to me.  They are my world (17yo and 15yo) and they are wonderful young people, so we’re very lucky that they are growing up to be sensible, well adjusted (despite having me as their dad, which I keep telling them, that’s gotta be a drawback for them!)  😉  😉

Yes, the Christmas shutdown … that will be good.  And what better time than to commence a bit more writing of books or journals.  I even tried penning a few destructive heavy metal kind of songs a while back and gave them to my son.  He LOVES that genre of music – certainly not my scene, as in the growling, but he also is a pretty talented drummer of that type, so I really hope something happens for him with that.  He’s certainly dedicated to it.  As our eardrums can attest too.

Anyway, time to go for the moment.

Take care and hope you have as lovely a weekend as you can.

Neil

[Kbet]

Dear Neil,

I haven't lost my mum yet but have lost two dads along the way so I know it is hard. My dad who raised me (not my biological father) passed away in 2008 in November and I still ache for his company. I am like you and keep in constant contact with my parents so not having dad to talk to does make it hard. I still have mum with me atm so that makes things a little easier. I will also be getting a tattoo done when my mum goes and it will be for both mum and dad. Maybe two flowers a gerbera for dad and a carnation for my mum. (both their favourite flowers) I don't really know yet I haven't thought much about it.

I have a brother who is sick, he has cancer and struggles with living atm. He is in remission but he wont go for regular doctors appointments or get check out like he is meant to. He has his own mental health issues that I know he struggles with but we are hoping he gets to see them soon.

I loved heavy metal growing up but I am now drifting towards more relaxing songs that have meaning (not that some heavy metal doesn't have meaning) but you know what I mean, less ear damaging songs haha:). Your children sound amazing and I am sure you are an amazing dad. Just overly critical on yourself as we can sometimes be.

Anyway make sure you take care and keep safe over Christmas.

Merry Christmas,

Kbet