Too much to bare

[Kbet]

I lost my father to cancer before I turned 5 years old and I still remember seeing his face in hospital in those last precious moments. I went through many traumatic moments as an adolescent (abuse) and when I was 16 years old I witnessed a murder. Life just got worse from there miscarriages, rape and domestic violence. A never-ending spiral of hatred, self loathing and a feeling of being tortured. I have tried to stay strong but my grip is slipping. I can no longer see anything in front of me. Nothing worth holding onto. More and more things keep piling up on my shoulders. A brother with cancer, an elderly mother and a dysfunctional family. I have no support system because I am the support system. I have put all my memories into boxes in my mind just so I can wake up each day and go to work. I don't even know how I manage that because I find myself making myself sick with worry just so I don't have to leave my house. So I don't have to pretend to be alright. I barely sleep and I find it hard to communicate with people. How can I function now?

[Zeal]

Hi Kbet,

First off, I am so sorry to hear of the hardship, trauma and harm you have suffered through. You are brave and strong for coming to this forum for help. Losing your father must have been so hard at so young an age. I lost my Nana when I was 2 (also to cancer), but I was too young for me to be able to remember her now.

It is admirable but must be so mentally and physically difficult to always be a support to everyone around you. Do you have another sibling that can help you support your brother? Or even a close cousin or family friend? You definitely deserve help and support, though how you will get this I don't know. If it is financially practical, could you get a carer for your Mum for a few days a week?

Are your living arrangements stressful? This sometimes is unavoidable, but is there any way you could get more space and time to yourself, even if just for an afternoon or two a week? Sorry about all the questions - I just don't know enough about your situation and are trying to think of potential options. I realise you may have dealt with or considered these options already.

Going and talking to a GP about your health and wellbeing is a good option. They can guide you, and may refer you to another professional to help tackle your past trauma and hardship.

I hope something I said has been helpful 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Kbet]

SM,

Thankyou for your response I really appreciate it. I did respond to you yesterday but it doesn't seem to have come through for some reason. I only have two brothers and one of them has cancer. My other brother just seems content to live his own life and spend the minimal amount of time with us.

I just feel like not matter what I do I am never going to get out of this whole I seem to find myself stuck in. I have sort medical help (anti-depressants) and am also seeing a psychologist. I barely get any free time and when I do all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep or sit by myself just to find that glimpse of peace that seems to evade my waking moments.

I find myself avoiding conversations with people. How can I talk to people when I can even articulate what is going on inside of me, or how I feel? I am having a particularly bad day today and I'm at work. How can I cope  with this, provide for my family and be a support to my sick brother and my mum.

I appreciate the advice you have given and that you took time to read my post. Thanks SM

 Kbet

[Neil_1]

Hi there Kbet

I’d also like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and providing your posts.

It’s a massive shame when family kind of wish to split or to not put in as much effort as “we” would like them too.  Really it shouldn’t an effort, it should be a natural response to a beloved family member.  I’m speaking here of a brother who refuses to have anything to do with the family anymore and it’s just plain horrible.

I can sense the compassion and support that you have for your brother and with that, you are no doubt putting as much energy as you can generate into providing support for him.  I suspect he would be fully aware of this and would be so incredibly appreciative of you doing this.

When you say ‘provide for your own family’, I guessing here that this is your own family – possible partner and possible children?  If that is the case, have you been able to talk to your partner about how things are for you?  I hope I’m not being too intrusive here, but am just trying to put forward possible suggestions to help ease your load.

Is your work aware of any of your issues that you’re facing?  Ie:  like another colleague or a possible supervisor?  Just perhaps someone there who you might be able to confide in;  you know, for a bit of support for you during your work hours, again, just to possibly help out a bit.

It is great to hear that you’ve sought out professional help (along with anti-depressants) – not sure how long you’ve been on them, but if you’re only in the early stages, they generally take 6 or so weeks before their effect begins.  Are you finding that you’re getting some benefits from seeing your psychologist?

Would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Kbet]

Hello Neil1,

Thankyou for the welcome and replying to my post. My brother with cancer lives long distance so it is hard to do as much as I would like for him. My mum travels once a week to see him and to do his washing, but this takes its toll on her. I try to make her dinners that she can microwave so she isn't having to cook for herself and so I know she is eating properly. She is 70 years old and lives independently, but we both live in the metro area and my brothers both live an hours drive from us. My mum and I take turns in making sure that my brother is ok but I know this job will fall to me when my mum can no longer commute to see him.

I have spoken to my HR representative at work and with my supervisor to make them aware of what is going on. I don't want to tell them too much information but have at least touched base with them about the issues I am facing. I did have to leave work yesterday as my body just shut down. I drove home and curled up in a ball and went to sleep. I just felt so exhausted.

I don't really have anyone to confide in but I am trying to talk more to my husband. He is struggling to understand how  after 10 years of being together it has suddenly become an issue. I told him that I have been dealing with this for 35 years or more, but have learnt to mask the pain and struggles I face. My mind has become tired and I cant hide these issues anymore. I have lost who I am and I don't know if I ever will be able to find her again. I have 5 children, 3 of my own and 2 step children. The oldest are 21 and 19 and they don't live at home anymore. I have 2 at home permanently and 1 that comes every weekend. I rarely see free time but my husband and I get one weekend a month where we don't have any kids at home. My husband likes to go out and socialize  or out to dinner but all I want to do is stay home and relax in the silence.

I started the medication 4 weeks ago so I am hoping it turns around for me soon. I have only been to 2 sessions with my psychologist and have found it very hard to deal with. I struggle closing the doors on my subconscious memory after each session and my mind replays the horror over and over all night so I subsequently don't get a lot of sleep. She has recommended me also seeing a psychiatrist but I find that I am struggling with the cost of her treatment (which apparently is going to be long term) let alone adding another cost to it.

Thankyou for your reply and advice.

Warm regards

Kbet

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

Thanx heaps for your latest response – & from all that I’m reading, it really didn’t surprise me that when you left work & got home, you curled up & went to sleep.  The whole situation is really piling up for you & when you get to that stage, sleep can be a much needed & welcome respite.  It’s also no doubt, the body telling you that it needs to recharge.

Yes, that’s good that you’ve been able to just shed a little light at work.  That’s all they really need – just to be aware of circumstances, but no real in depth details.

That’s also such a common occurrence – when opening up to your nearest & dearest & they then struggle to understand things & that old question of why is it now an issue?  But it’s simply not just now – it’s been there all the time, but we’ve been doing our best to hide it or keep it under wraps.  But in the end, the illness wins out & it gets impossible for us to battle it on our own.  So then we divulge & our partners have trouble understanding.  And it’s not their fault that they don’t understand.  I mean, I’ve lived with mine for many years & I still struggle to understand it.

Socialising for us is so difficult – but perhaps an option might be for a family dinner, just you, hubby & the kids;  or just you & hubby?  For me, anything more than that & that is way too much & out of my comfort zone.  Just a thought there.

Even if you can manage some spare time occasionally to go to the hairdressers or to a place where they do massages or facials, etc.  Hey, just a quick digression – I heard yesterday that there’s a hairdresser place that’s got a ‘silent’ chair;  you pre-book it & when you go, you can sit there & read or do whatever, but will not be questioned with the trivial small-talk that often takes place.  I wonder if that’ll take off?

It’s really not fair that psych appointments can cost so much – which can be one of our stressors as well – the financial side of things.  I also hope that you start to feel a little relief soon from your meds.

Would love to hear from you again.

Neil

[Kbet]

Hi Neil1,

Thanks again for your response. I have tried to plan things with my family like going out and having fun but it always ends up in an argument with my husband and the kids or between me and my husband because of the kids. I have even tried just going out with my husband but I have found it difficult because we usually have nothing to talk about and end up stumbling through the evening together.

I spend most of my time writing my book, reading or watching TV and I can barely have conversations with my own family. I have spent most of the last year hardly talking to anyone and when I do I find that not a lot of people understand me and I doubt that anyone I associate with knows who I am anymore. I feel like I am expected to be one way and I try to make it seems like I haven't changed at all but really in the grand scheme of things I am nothing like I used to be. I don't feel like I am ever going to be that person anymore and I am scared that once they realise it they are no longer going to want to be around me.

I have even tried to take time for myself so I can gain some clarity and peace but my husband doesn't like when I go out on my own and he makes me feel guilty for even thinking it.

I just don't know what to do anymore and my antidepressants aren't working. I just feel empty. I feel like I don't have a purpose.

Thanks for listening

Kbet

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t so flash with the fam when trying to go out for a dinner or the like.  Maybe some other things might be to see what activities, perhaps the kids enjoy and see if something can be organised around that?  Our fam has only recently started having the occasional game of the card game, Uno.  Which is always a bit of fun.

I like the sound of you writing your book – I’m guessing it’s a story of your life and all that has happened and is happening?  I’ve done the same thing and it now sits in manuscript form – not sure where it’ll go from here, but at least it’s largely done.  Of course with each year that I continue on this journey, I guess I should continue to add to it.

With regard to your meds, do you think it might be worthwhile seeking out an appointment with your doc – to let them know that you don’t feel they are working and getting some of their professional advice and also some other possible suggestions they may have?

Kind regards

Neil

[Kbet]

Dear Neil,

Uno was a great game. I played it a lot as a kid but trying to get my teenagers to sit down and do anything that doesn't involve a screen is very difficult. I am trying to find ideas to spend time with them but I find I just feel too exhausted most of the time.

I write to help myself escape. I haven't started personal memoir its more along the lines of a fantasy with werewolves and vampires. I think that if I really wrote down what was in my head I might actually get committed.. (I actually laughed about that when I thought about it because it definitely could happen ha-ha)

I am think about going back to the doctors and seeing him about my anti depressants and what has been going on the with the psychologist so I can make sure he is aware of what is going on with me and can accurately prescribe what I need. He is a brilliant doctor who listens to me and makes me feel comfortable which I find very important.

Thankyou for your advice once again. You are a wealth of knowledge and understanding

Kbet x

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

We’ve even had a go at scrabble from time to time – or yahtzee;  just those easy kind of games.  We also scored a Wii from Santa a few years back and so we sometimes dig that out and have a game of racing on the Mario Kart tracks – and that’s where the kids really excel over their oldies.  Can only just try with them I guess – but everyone is a bit different, so it’s hard to know.

My son said something to us a little while ago that was so funny.  He read on line somewhere that a teenage boy had his internet and all computer games, etc go down.  He had to spend some time out in the house with his family – and he said, that his parents actually seem like decent people.  I’ve always enjoyed that one.

Oh boy, with that writing – keep on with it, keep going;  I like the sound of that a lot.  You’ve also got a very easy to read writing style, so I wouldn’t think it would be such a bad idea to give your memoirs a lash – I mean, where’s it going to go after all?  And if it’s something you enjoy, why not have a go at doing something like that.

Kbet, that is awesome for how your doctor is.  That is such an important aspect for us who suffer and to have someone that you feel so comfortable with and supported by is a massive bonus.  They can also be a source of another type of support for us as well – ok, sure they do cost, but at least they’re not as exy as seeing a psych.

Kind regards

Neil