My wife is a sexual abuse survivor who I thought had moved on but has severely regressed after her abuser died recently (her grandfather) Please help?

senseiawesome · ‎20-12-2015

Hi All,

My wife was sexually abused by her grandfather for many years as a pre-teen to mid teens. She prosecuted him at the age of 21 and he was jailed for 18 months. We've been together now for 23 years and after much therapy/counselling I thought she had moved on to a happier place in life. To cut a long story short, she maintained a basic relationship with him over the last 23 years ( visiting him e.t.c ) which I strongly disapproved of inwardly but showed her support on a basic level ( I refused to see or talk to him at all).

Our marital/love life has always been very simple & plain once she met me ( before that she had many partners in a very short time )

After her abuser (Grandfather) passed away a few months ago, she has completely regressed and is having nightmares and avoids any intimacy with me whatsoever. I understand this is normal for some survivors but after a few months now , any physical intimacy ( even hugs) are avoided like the plague... Its like she has it in her head that she was still in a relationship with him and is grieving him like a wife who has lost her husband??

I'm completely isolated (because of my position in the community-I'm well known to everyone without giving anything away)

There is no one I can talk to about this..... I'm feeling helpless to help her plus I'm struggling badly without any form of human intimacy.

I've encouraged her to seek counselling/help again but she is refusing.

She says she loves me but won't give me even a hug/cuddle anything....

Any advice on where to go from here? I'm having huge difficulties sleeping and struggling with many depressive thoughts.

Everyone in my local community knows me and its a gossipy area.

So I'm asking for feedback/ideas/suggestions on what to do??

Regards,

geoff · ‎20-12-2015

hello, and thanks for posting on the forum, on what is a rather difficult one for me to respond to, but I'm certainly sorry for your circumstances you are in.

Before I continue I hope that there are people on this site who have encountered your and your wife's trauma.

I find it difficult why she would want to see him in gaol, because like you, I wouldn't want to see 'hide nor hair' of him, unless for some reason he had apologised to her, each time she went to see him, so maybe she was trying to forgive him.

But now how she is acting then you would feel as though all those bad memories were coming back to her, giving her nightmares and not wanting any physical contact with you.

It seems as though PTSD may have come back to haunt her, because no matter how long ago it happened, she has kept it with her, and now that he's gone, then all those terrible thoughts come back to, and that's probably why she doesn't want any physical contact, but like before when you married her it could change once you try and encourage her slowly.

I wish I could have been more of an assistance for you. Geoff.

Elizabeth CP · ‎20-12-2015

Hi I imagine what you are going through must be extremely tough. I have PTSD from a trauma which occurred 50 years ago as a child and sometimes the triggers are very irrational. Things which I were managing fine suddenly trigger terrible memories &/or fears. I appreciate my husband checking on me every so often by asking how I am doing or commenting after getting through a situation that I did well. For me it helps knowing he cares but he does it in small doses so I don't feel overwhelmed or smothered. When I am very anxious due to a current trigger I need to be left alone because it takes so much emotional energy coping with the trigger and reminding myself I am safe even though I don't feel it. This effort of coping means there is no room for to speak or listen to anyone else. My situation is different to your wife's bu let her know you will stick by her and you are willing to support her when she is ready. Tell her you would like to discuss how you can help when she feels ready. Hopefully this enables her to feel supported and able to get assistance without feeling pressured. Sorry there is no easy answer for you or your wife. Good luck

pipsy · ‎20-12-2015

Hi there, senseiawesome. My first thought on reading your cry for help was, WOW, I feel so sorry for what you've both endured. Your wife successfully prosecuting her g'father for abuse would've been harrowing enough. Did he ever apologize or acknowledge the abuse? The fact that it was her g'father, a person supposedly trustworthy, is pretty scary. When we are abused (I too am a survivor of abuse). I was abused by my brother, he never apologized, nor acknowledged. My mum knew and 'covered' for him. As I was going to say, when we are abused, the perpetrator often 'blames' us for allowing it. Rather than admit their wrongdoing, it easier to 'blame' the victim. Your wife could've been made to feel it was her fault too, so visiting him would've been one way of getting him to admit and apologize. If he didn't and she also had her mum and dad absolutely blown away by the whole situation, it must've have been horrendous. It's possibly her mum and dad might've been a bit defensive for g'father too, after all he was maternal/paternal father. We like to believe we're safe with family. With all the media hype at the moment about domestic violence/abuse, it's no doubt brought it all back to her. Therapy would not help at the moment, it would be more counter-productive. If she is displaying anger at the mere mention of violence, this is actually a good sign (believe it or not). She's not actually repressing her anger, When she gets angry about what's going on, just agree that domestic violence is NOT acceptable. She needs to know she's 'allowed' to express anger. This behaviour unfortunately will resurface because something seemingly trivial (to you) has brought back memories. Victims of abuse never, really recover, the memory is always there. If she mentions g'father either 'for' or 'against' agree either way. As far as your physical relationship, there's no cut and dried answer. She'll go through stages of being repulsed, this is no reflection on you, this is solely because of what happened. Try not to take it personally, she doesn't want to hurt or punish you. Actually (like me) she probably feels unworthy. She would never admit to that, don't ask.

I realize it's a big ask of you, but everything she is going through is not her fault. You could ring victims of sexual abuse helpline for guidance. Victims of crime always feel 'dirty'.

Hope I've helped.

senseiawesome · ‎22-12-2015

Hi Pipsy,

Thanks for your response 🙂

I've gently suggested many types of counseling for her/us ( if she wants us both there)

The problem with her relationship with her grandfather is that she tried to maintain a normal " grandfather/granddaughter" relationship with him.

Kinda like a "Stockholm Syndrome" thing if you know what I mean.

He constantly kept giving her gifts/money for the last 20 years despite my many objections.

When he passed , I was expecting some challenges but not to this degree....

It feels like to me that he did the crime and I'm doing the time.

I've always prided myself on being an awesome husband & father but the way she has treated me especially since he passed has me gobsmacked & my kids wondering what is going on?

My wife was adamant that our children never find out what he did.

So they have no clue why dad is being treated like I am.

The sheer amount of bad temper she has is considerable and then all of a sudden she disappears to her room and wants nothing to do with me.

I tried to give her a good morning cuddle the other day and she looked at me like I was the devil 😞

I know she is the one that is the victim in all of this and it's not my fault but I just don't know what to do to move on from here?

I accidentally brushed her arm in bed the other night & she got upset and told me not to touch her 😞

Should I move into the spare bedroom or will that make things worse?

I'm trying to be the good strong husband but it feels like I can do nothing right...

I've spent the whole week trying to find someone to talk to but everyone knows me or my wife including most of the therapists/counsellors in a 50 km radius.

I haven't been able to find any men's support groups for partners in situations like this....

I've slept maybe 15 hours in the last week.

Just don't know what to do

hamlet · ‎22-12-2015

Hi

I'm in the same boat we have periods where we are very intimate and other times where she does not even want me to look at her, the way I deal with the problem is give her time and tell her that I love her and give compliments but after 6 month I tell her that we have to work this out or I'm living its not easy thing to do and it can lead to arguments but it works for us as after we start to slowly be intimate again I think that its important to let her know that intimacy does not have to lead to anything that she his not comfortable with and not to do anything that she feels she as to do.

pipsy · ‎22-12-2015

Hi senseiawesome. I wouldn't do anything different to the way you've been living. Her g'father served 18 months, not that long when you consider how long he was abusing her and 'getting away' with it. Him giving her gifts could be because her parents told him to, to make up for what he did. You never said whether he apologized or really acknowledged any of what he did. Now he's passed and she's still 'angry'. She will always be a 'victim', she's angry at the world in general because victims of domestic violence carry the scars where they're not seen. To tell your children is something only she has the right to do, if and when she's ready. They will never know him, so there's no danger. He probably threatened her during the abusive years, to keep her quiet. She's been through so much and now with domestic violence becoming so rife, it's triggered a lot of unpleasant memories. Perhaps you could talk to her parents (are they still alive), gauge their reaction to what happened. I wouldn't mention that to her if you do. If they don't wish to discuss, don't push. Perhaps you could ring the sexual abuse line yourself, mention what you've posted here. If she doesn't want to go to counselling, it could be because she didn't attend sexual abuse counselling. If it was general counselling, that would tend to make her believe counselling wouldn't help. Sexual abuse counselling deals directly with her type of abuse. If you ring the abuse line yourself, they could give some guidelines. She's not angry with you, please believe that, she could feel 'dirty' and 'unclean'. That is a real feeling with what she endured.

Please, don't walk away, I'm sure she loves you, she's not happy with herself. That's the real issue here.

Good luck, keep posting.