Still hope for Change

[citizen]

Hi
First Post

im nearly 50 and things have to change
perhaps Im addressing my elephant in
the room

Ive known for many years that through a
number of different events in my life, being early childhood trauma
and adult trauma experience that my keel has not been, shall we say
“even”.

Ive struggled with addiction, self
doubt and self loathing and in more recent years self harm.

I have bad memories, no memories and
struggle to imagine a where I will smile more than frown

I have examined and processed a lot,
and actually let go of a lot of thoughts, ideas and memories that
were just not useful. Changed behaviour and attitudes where I could.

However in the last few years Ive
become more aware of triggers and protection mechanisms
that are still with me they make me
unhappy and I see myself going in circles and its getting worse

there is still a little boy who learnt
along time ago how to keep himself safe, the problem is what used to
work when I was 3 and 9 and 13 no longer works.

It no longer works that my default is
to mistrust me and other people.
It no longer works to be in a perpetual
state of fear,anxiety and angst.

Recently things derailed again, once
again I seek help, but maybe, just maybe ill be ok and ill be able to
break down that wall once and for all.

[Croix]

Dear Citizen~
I'm here for a while, (just added to your quote).
-C

[citizen]

hi croix, hey I'm a little concern that someone has posted first time, very tragic situation and none of the champions or moderates have responded yet, how can i discuss this with your discreetly or direct you to the post?

[citizen]

bye the way which quote? 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Citizen~

Thanks, If you post the name of the thread and of the poster I'll try to find it. You could post there too if you wanted too, does not have to be anything very deep, most people welcome contact from others.

The quote was in the 'quotes that I like' thread. Came from the blind sansei Master Po.

Croix

[citizen]

My daughter told me she has been sexually abused by her Father

its listed in ptsd/trauma, i think it needs proper attention

[Sophie_M]

Hi citizen, thanks for your concern. If you see anything on the forums you're concerned about like this, please use the report post function to alert the moderators.

We like to ensure that anyone posting to the forums with a new thread has a reply within 24 hours. 

[citizen]

Oh great! thank you Sophie. now i know what to do. just felt quite desperate for the person. hopefully we see again soon.

[citizen]

So! I have all these meds that do seem to be help but they are not the cure all. The smooth over my thoughts and give my body some relief from from the stress of my 0-100 in one second adrenalin rush of fight and flight. and by nature I'm not a violent person. They have stopped my waking up to multiple horrible night mares a night.however when i do have altercations with people in public at times, I had words with a man yesterday. Again these things are not my true self but symptomatic of my condition. Its exhausting for me to fly into a rage, mostly contained in my mind, but it does seem to be spilling out more than usual. I also feel bad for the other person. I know that if someone does respond with an equal amount of aggression i could well start fighting, this worries me . I am not a fighter but my exaggerated intstinct will come into play. And it always happens too quickly for me to think about it. I find that i have to plan where i go and when i go in order to reduce exposure to too many people at once. Ive always been afraid of my own anger responses, afraid of what i could do to a person. I know i need to start to implementing calming and grounding strategies as soon as i can. The evil that spilled from pandoras box does not simply drift into the ether for me but hang about the air i breath when these things happen. I guess i should exhale and let it go. and continue to look for the hope that is still contained in that box. although i am not not in my peak psychical fitness at moment i know how to stop a person ther tracks, I would actually return to my training , under the right sifu and training martial arts are very grounding for me. I think things are ok, just getting a bit tougher, guess thats our journey. Peace out!

[Croix]

Dear Citizen~

Well that's good news about the booze anyway, as it can add a whole new level of problems on top of everything else. Better if the cause goes away of course. Meds are ok, but vary from type to type and person to person. I had different ones for years before anything really did me any good.

If you are getting some benefit that's good, though it does not stop you for asking them to be tweaked if you think there's room for improvement. Getting sleep without nightmares is a big plus, was for me too, though I still get a few.

I've never had that much trouble with anger, though being brought out of a state where I was in the past 100% did make me react violently - never hurt anyone though. Just as well, it was normally my wife and I worried a lot about it.

Actually anger has helped a number of times to get through, not wanting the ba**ds to win, particularly when I was invalided out of work.

Martial arts training, well that could be pretty good, I suppose it depends if it hooks into 'action mode' or if it makes your first reaction restraint. I don't know anything about mask therapy, I'd be interested to hear how you go.

Croix

[plodalong]

hi again citizen, hope you are going ok. I think the discussion about anger is interesting. I could be so angry about what has happened to me, and continues to happen! sometimes I do feel really angry. one counsellor suggested I go to the op shop, buy some plates, and smash them all!! not sure about that. I know the feeling you have though - its like the anger is just there below the surface, and you could just unleash on someone. These people have no idea of the torment you have been through. The really dark places. Where does all the anger go? Great question isn't it? Anger has to be controlled though. My psychologist pointed this out to me, by saying..people who cannot control their anger, can end up in prison! And i guess that is true. I am not saying you will go to prison! just making a point. Maybe we can channel the anger into something helpful? I find being really self aware helps.. know when you are starting to lose it a bit.. then take steps to calm down. Even if it means literally walking away from the situation. Hope you are ok. cheers.