Scared of trauma therapy

[Charley75]

Hello,

I've started trauma therapy and I am scared. I have only fragmented memories of my childhood abuse and I feel so dirty and worthless thinking about it. How could I get sexually abused for years from different people? Why did it happen? Why can I remember so little of my past?

There are many questions for my therapists, but I would like to know from other survivors, how do you deal with the flashbacks? The times when you feel like you're 5 years old again? When you just want to die because you don't want to remember? When you feel worthless and useless and a waste of space? I feel like there are two people in me and I have no control when I get upset. How can I get myself grounded? I've learnt grounding techniques but when I feel bad I feel I don't deserve to feel better and I don't use them? Does that sound weird?

[Charley75]

Hello? Anyone out there?

[Chris_B]

Hi Charley75, welcome to the forums. I'm sure you'll get some replies to your thread soon, but the traffic here varies from hour to hour and day to day. We can't guarantee immediate responses unfortunately. I'd recommend having a look through this section at the other threads, and talking to our other members while you're waiting.

These threads might be helpful for you as well:

3 tips for getting the most out of the forums

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[Scarlett_May]

Hello Charley75, I hope you're doing okay!

I totally understand where you're coming from and it must be so hard for you to deal with in that beautiful mind of yours.

You have to remember that what happened to you is not your fault. You did not deserve this, and did nothing to bring it upon yourself. Unfortunately you were unlucky to go through such an awful time.

Sometimes when people have traumas from their younger years, they can develop what is called a "split personality". Have you spoken to a psychologist or psychiatrist about how you feel like there are two people in you?

Don't be upset if you can't remember parts of your past. Obviously your mind has tried to push the traumatising memories far in the back of your unconscious, so they don't upset you as often.

Please don't be afraid to commence your trauma therapy, it's your first step to getting better. I hope it works out for you.

All my love and luck,

Scarlett

[Starwolf]

Hello Charley,

Welcome to the forums. First of all, well done for making the courageous decision to start trauma therapy. It is a long, winding road but well worth taking in the long run.

Part memories of abuse are common. It is the way the brain stops what it cannot deal with coming to the surface. As you say yourself, you don't want to remember. It is a self-protective mechanism.

However, those hidden traumas act a bit like nasty splinters. If ignored, they are prone to infection and cause a lot of trouble at a deep level. The aim of trauma therapy is to stop this happening.

Sexual abuse not only violates the body but it also affects the core of our personality. It takes away our power. This is why victims lose self confidence, self worth and a general sense of security. So what you feel is "normal' in your circumstances. You are definitely not weird.

I suffered physical/emotional abuse throughout childhood, sexual abuse in adolescence. I can vouch for the fact that -with the right help, support and persistence- it can and will get better.

Although your self worth has been taken away, please remember that you ARE important and deserve peace of mind and quality of life. Those are your birthright. Guilt belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim. You are in no way to blame for what happened. How could a child ever be responsible for an adult's unresolved issues ?

What you deserve is compassion, understanding and support to help you reclaim what was stolen from you as a helpless child. To heal he wound.

And guess what...you have come to the right place. Here at BB you can vent your feelings and connect safely with others who are/have been in similar situations. There are quite a few big-hearted women here who will be more than willing to stand by you on this difficult journey.

Great to have you on board, Charley.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Charley75,

I just saw your post so I imagine you've probably had a couple of sessions by now - and I'm hoping that the therapist would have explained a little bit about how they work and what they plan to do. Dealing with trauma is not easy, but it's also not something that happens overnight. It's taken a long time to get to where you are now so it will take a little while to recover and process what's happened. The good thing is that your therapist will be aware of that, so you'll be guided through the process step-by-step.

It doesn't sound weird that you don't want to use the grounding techniques, but it definately sounds like you need more practice. You are not useless. You are worthy. You are here. Sometimes it can help to use the grounding techniques routinely instead of when you need them - so if you're with friends at the shops, use them - or at the park, use them. Being able to 'get used to' grounding techniques will help it come more easily when you need to feel grounded.

Oh, and as for why you remember so little - it's because that's the way your brain managed to accept that experience. Try to picture a brain like a bit of clay - it moulds constantly based on the input we give it, and the 'input' is experiences - things that happen to us, our memories, what we do/eat etc. Being able to process trauma is being able to re-mould that clay. Hope that's not too confusing to understand, but if you have a good therapist he or she should be able to explain it in much more detail.

Hope this helps - and please feel free to reach out again. I know it can take some time to get some replies but this is a great community and we do hear you.

[Rohnda]

I feel like your dirciption is exactly how I feel, it comes and goes for me but at the same time there is thing always in the back of my head.

I can only remember That I know it happened I have a couple of memories but none that add up if anything they make me feel worse.

I don’t understand why I didn’t do anything why I let it happen.

I feel ashamed and worthless.

I just realised this post is old but thought I will post anyway

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Rohnda,

Your post came up in my threads since I'd responded to Charley. I'm not sure if Charley is still here but I thought I'd give a little hello wave.

Please know that what you are feeling is totally normal for anyone who has been through any trauma. Questioning how you let things happen, fragmented memories, feeling worthless - that's normal. What it doesn't mean though is that things are your fault or that you deserved them. I'm not sure what your story is or what you've gone through but nobody deserves trauma.

Hope that you'll continue to reach out. You deserve to be heard.