Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I hope I didn’t step over the mark – it wasn’t my intention at all … though as I said, I may have well and truly emphasised it too much.

By you saying what you did, that’s only a natural reaction and I’m very grateful to you for that.

The publisher thing was for my manuscript that I’ve written about my life’s story.  Including all details of everything including my bodybuilding journey, my depression, PTSD, my family, my sport, and even more about my depression but also how I’m dealing with it and for the most part, coping with it.

We even got to the stage where the publisher wanted my partner to put in a “foreward” about me and so we’ve got that sitting ready to go.  I’ve submitted it to a few other ones, obviously with no success;   but with those, you are only to submit the first 3 or 4 chapters, so that makes it difficult.

This other publisher had read the whole thing.

Anyway, I hope that you didn’t think that I was upset with you, cause I wasn’t.

Cheers

Neil

Ps:  hope you and everyone here has a great weekend.

[White_Rose]

Dear Neil

I just wrote a fantastic reply to you and got rejected by BB. Well perhaps rejected is a bit exaggerated, I just got the error message  I suspect that you and I tried to post at the same time and the system could not cope. Do you think the system is sexist and decided males should have preference? Hmm.  Anyway I will try and reconstruct my post. Hopefully it sounds OK 2nd time round.

I want to make a comment about your brother and your grief. Please accept this is said in a loving and caring manner.

You were right when you said, 'It DID happen and it WAS my fault." And I agree you cannot change the past. You are so full of guilt and pain. You will always grieve for your brother and parents, just as I grieve for my parents and sister. I would love to feel my mother's arms round me, to laugh with my sister, to know they would comfort and care for me and that I could comfort and care for them. I remember the things I left unsaid, the things I did and didn't do and wish I could go back and change it all. But I cannot and the pain of that stays with me.

I find it helps to talk to my grandchildren about their great grandparents and great aunt. It makes them feel a little closer and I can smile a little. But nothing will bring them back. You continue to punish yourself for the past. Even hardened criminals get out of jail eventually and I suspect not many of them are repentant in any way.

It's easy to forgive others. I have forgiven the priest who harmed me so much. His actions still have an enormous impact on my life but I can stop hating him. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do.

Neil, what are you continuing to do to make your life harder than necessary? I know it's a cliché to ask if your family would want you to continue hurting yourself to show you are sorry, but would they? If self forgiveness is too all encompassing, can you say you will let your family rest a little. And give yourself some rest. Allow yourself to remember them in peace and stop reminding yourself of your actions.

Tell your family how much you loved your brother and parents. Let the past remain in the past and give yourself a break. I know, I really do know how hard this. I struggle with similar things. It's not letting yourself off the hook to say you will be kinder to yourself. You have acknowledged your actions and are so deeply sorry about these events. It is time to heal, not because I said so but because you are dragging these family members around with you and they also need to rest.

Now I've expressed my thoughts and I hope you are offended or upset. Like all your friends, I want you to heal and to become an even more beautiful person. I won't comment again.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I too hope that I did not overstep the mark. I did not want to offend you or to tell you what to feel. I don't think I can explain what I mean. All I want is that you don't stop talking, that you don't feel like you are saying the same thing and hearing the same answers. I just don't know how to explain it. But please keep telling how you feel.

Mary has made some good comments and hopefully that can help you more than my weird explanation.

I find it very courageous that you have written your life story and that you actually considered publishing it. Has this helped you in any way to cope a little better? If you really want to publish, could you get help to rearrange the first few chapters, so they get immediate interest from a publisher. I guess it is a fair call, as a reader probably often stops reading a book in the first few chapters, if the interest is not immediately there. 

Sometimes I need to hear the same thing from many different people before it sinks in. I booked an appointment with my old psych today and felt ok after deciding it. Any psych is better than none.

I am sad today. I am trying to remember a nice story. I don't understand why I can be like this. We are away with friends and I am hiding in bed, ready for a good nights rest, trying to think of a nice story to let me fall asleep. I try this every night and normally fall asleep exhausted. I don't want to be alone and I want to be alone. Often I just want to vanish. I just want to curl up in my head and leave it all behind. I hear the laughs of my friends and I love my friends, but I just don't want to sit there with a desolate look. I don't have the energy left for smiling and socialising. 

Neil, Mary and Paul, I wish you all a good weekend and hope you will get some rest.

Take care, Yggy x

[White_Rose]

Neil

Made a huge typo. Said I hope you are offended. I meant I hope you are NOT offended. Sometimes my mind runs ahead of my fingers. So sorry for that dreadful mistake.

Yggy

Sorry you are sad today. When I cannot sleep I make up a story about what I want my life to look like. Sometimes I imagine I have come into a significant amount of money and start making plans about what I would do with it. I know it's not real but it takes me away from real life for a while and gives me a rest. Then I get to sleep more easily.

I had some words with my second daughter this evening. I asked her to come with me to see the specialist on Monday but she was busy. Fair enough. But then she went on to say why did I want her to go, what could
she do, it wouldn't make any difference. She told me to stop working myself up about it.  I ended the conversation but I phoned her back later and said I had been through this really bad time which she could
not appreciate. I told how I felt about taking ADs and being a failure because of this, how I got anxious, although I tried hard to be rational. That her attitude came originally from her father, at which she said he did not make comments about me but did not deny he used to do this when my children were young. I felt so hurt and devalued by her remarks. Of course she does not know how I felt, partly I suppose because I did not want to worry her, but she did know I was in a bad way. Anyway I am pleased I found the courage to say these things and other things and to do so without crying, although I did get a bit emotional.

In many ways I feel I have had more support from my friends than family, though in part this is because I have not confided fully in them.

Wanting to be alone and yet wanting the companionship of others at the same time. Been there, done that. But I don't think this unusual or confined to those with depression or other mental illnesses. Humans are social creatures. We need each other to survive both mentally and physically so it's hardly surprising we feel lost and alone when we are on our own. On the other hand, we also want some space, peace and quiet to refresh ourselves. You are a mom so you know how it feels to have children constantly needing attention and your presence. After a while I used to get so, well I'm not sure what. All I know is I wanted to get away for a while.

I do get your meaning and your distress. Life often seem like "heads they win, tails we lose".

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary, dear Neil,

I woke up after my nap this afternoon and actually felt sort of normal the last few hours. It's been a while that I have felt like this. Hopefully it will last a few more days. I have a little break from work & home and hopefully will return with some more energy.

Mary, I am so proud that you've taken the first step to talk to your daughter. Give her some time to get used to knowing you are not well. I struggled for a long time to understand that my Mum was not well and I could not understand why she could not get over it and be there for me - she is supposed to be my Mum and look after me - I know, sounds very very selfish, and it is, it took me ages to understand. 

I will go to sleep now and hope for a restful night. I want to go for a run tomorrow morning. I really want to start exercising again, I miss running. 

Big hugs, Yggy x

[blondguy]

Hey Yggy and I hope you have a peaceful sleep...and a great run...:-)

Hey Mary

I just read about you communicating today with your daughter...It is hard but kudos to you Mary!....I just did the same thing today....It took a lot of strength but I did it....yay! It felt good after but it was hard for me to do..I just sent a nice message of thanks to the BB Cafe thanking everyone for their support and how everyone has helped me so much....and was rejected twice by the moderator...

Well done on contacting your daughter....and just for what its worth....your Meds....be proud to take them...I treat my GAD and Depression like a temporary physical illness....I just take them....then I have more energy to heal....effectively 🙂

Sorry to barge in here on your post Yggy....

Neil....I have to say it...You are a wonderful and very intelligent guy...yes you are....You have a beautiful and caring way of articulating your thoughts and I just want to say...I am glad you are here....

Sincerely and Kindly Yours

Paul

[Neil_1]

Dear all

Firstly I want to say that no-one has said anything that has offended - I'm usually pretty hard to offend, and no-one has gone close.  We're all mates here, good mates and as such, I take in every person's post as genuine, caring and supportive ... and for that I thank each of you.

You've all said things that have hit the mark or at least have gone close to the bulls-eye.

Hells bells, even I know it myself - so why can't I let go?  Why can't I put it all behind me?  Sure, I'll always remember it and will never forget it, but why can't I kind of move on from it without the punishing of myself - both physically and mentally.  Though I do admit, with the physical side of things, that's possibly made me a much fitter person.

I do want to say though, that yes, it haunts me and I am hurt by it and all the rest of it - but I am still living.  I'm here and I have the most awesome fam.  Ok so I've got severe depression, anxiety and severe PTSD - but I'm living with that too.

 I've got my meds that I take daily and for that I thank my psychiatrist - took a few goes at different ones, till we've hit the right combo and for the most part they seem to be working.

Look guys, I don't normally write about this etc, not that much that I can remember, but I will try to let go a little more in the future.

For now, I am feeling ok with what I've posted and again I really want to thank you so much for your wonderful, in depth responses.  And to hear the words of:  you can write about it and say it over and over again here is fine - that's something that really does mean a lot.

In fact, this coming Saturday 13th February, will be ... hmmm, he counts, 25 years.  Though 25 years ago, that was a Wednesday.  He drowned in a river and the rescue services fella's weren't able to find him till the Friday.  So that, on top of everything else, was a very harrowing time.

But as I've mentioned to Yggy before, I have my mechanisms that I have in place to help me through each day.  I come here during the week and post away and for the most part, I'm going "ok".

Which brings me to the finish of this post for the time being and I will say that, yes, this IS Sunday, so I've actually come here and posted this on a day when I don't normally visit this site.

But I'll be back tomorrow.

Take care and thank you all again.

Neil

ps:  I hope everyone is doing "ok" today.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

twenty five years. If you are anything like me, you have a tough week ahead. Is there something you normally do around that date? What are your plans this year? I think you should plan ahead with activities that can calm you and also distract you. Unfortunately it will also fall on a weekend this year. Neil, I will check in with you next weekend, if you are here, I will be here for you.

Over the years I have coped differently every year, sometimes celebrating my Dads birthday. His death day is always difficult and so are these key dates in my life where my life changed forever. I have tried to erase most death dates out of my mind, as well as families birthdays, but some remain in my memory and some I sadly get reminded of, by other family members, or in the news... I've long stopped talking about the days to strangers, most do not know that there is a very dark past in my life. Sometimes I might mention something to my husband and close friends, but mostly remain quiet. Thankfully my childhood trauma has no dates attached, I don't even recall how old I was. It's bad enough it pops out of nowhere, don't need a date attached. 

I am glad you shared this. It must be so tough for you.

What are you doing this weekend? Remember, I am here for you.

I took a few days off and do nothing but relax. Often I don't feel like I can cope with my daily life at the moment and just sitting here doing nothing, being out in nature and no responsibility in the world, does me well. I am sitting on a comfy chair in the shade near a lake and listen to the birds and crickets. I eat, drink and sleep, no schedule, no rush. I find it so difficult to live with myself at the moment that it is nice to get a rest. When I feel panic coming up, I focus on the light breeze, or the noises around me. It makes it so much easier. This is all I would like to do, talk to my psych team and have time to heal. I don't know if this makes any sense.

Neil, I give you a big hug and hope you write again!

Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_5218]

Oh Neil, I'm so sorry.  25 years coming up on Saturday.  That must be really hard.  And yes, if you are like me, it will be a tough week for you.  I will be thinking of you all week.  Please know that I care .....  and understand ....

Sherie xx

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy, Sherie and others,  🙂

Yes, it will be 25 years on Saturday – but for me now, yes, I will always remember the date – I also always remember the time, it was 3:20pm.

My Dad was 4:30pm and my Mum was 10:15pm (so you could say it’s very fair for me to say that I really hate the PM hours).  Under the not so nice subject, the bracketed bit hopefully created a bit of a light-hearted moment.

So yes, obviously I’ll never forget the date – ever, but for me now, dates are just dates or another day.  My grieving and loss that I experience every day far away compensates for how I feel on the actual day.

It used not be like that and I had terribly low days (possibly like Yggy and Sherie expressed to me in their lovely responses) in the past – for my brother, I used to have that day off in the first number of years from work (obviously if it fell through a week day).  Then as the time approached I would crack open two beers and pump up the music that we both loved.  One in particular (I should actually put this in the Lyrics of songs on the Community Board forum) was by Dragon “Young Years”.  We loved that song and there is a line near the end of it that still brings tears to me:

“… and times would pass and things would change, our memories won’t fade away”

Though I always change the word “our” to ‘my’.

So yeah, I’d then have a beer and then afterwards, I’d say to no-one in particular, “Mate, if it’s ok with you, I’ll be having your one now”.

But I feel that I don’t need to do that anymore.  I did keep that up for a long number of years.

Yggy, that is a brilliant thing that you do – when you can feel panic coming on – to kind of zone out of that and to pick up the outside sounds.  That is similar to how I’ve now come across the thing about colour.  Sitting inside or outside and just look around you and see all the different colours.  But with your focussing on sounds, the wind through the trees, birds, water – all really soothing and calming aspects that will hopefully help to bring us a sense of comfort.

Kind regards

Neil