Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Guest_2350]

Thank you Neil,

please keep posting here when you need me - like I said before, I will be here for you and I will check on you.

Take good care of yourself, Yggy x

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy, I also respect your decision to take some time out.  

But, before I let you do that, I am just picking up on one comment you made last night.  "I wish I could just wind back the time and never started this journey in the first place".

Can you think back to what made you attempt this journey in the first place - What was it that prompted you to seek professional treatment?  And thinking of that reason, or reasons, does the same still apply now?

I know you just want to give it all up and go back to what you've done before - to cope as you have been able to do in the past.  You are strong and capable, and you've done amazingly well in the past.  But there must be an easier way.  You shouldnt need to have this constant battle with yourself.

And please dont think you are wasting anybody's time, certainly not your friends here, and not the psych.  The only one I would accept, would be if you genuinely consider that it has been a waste of your own time?

Do what is right for you now.  If need be, perhaps you can revisit this whole process again at another time, perhaps when you are feeling a little stronger and more positive.  It is not an irreversible decision.

Remain strong, fight the good fight.  Drop in occasionally and let us know how you are doing.

Please take care.  You have lots of people here who wish you only the very best.

Thinking of you with much affection,

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear All,

Thank you for your continued support, it is so much appreciated, I cannot thank you enough.

I have an unexpected day of travelling ahead of me tomorrow, so I have decided to read everything I ever posted to remember why I came here (and into the GPs office) in the first place and what I was hoping to improve.

I am full of rage. I wish my Dad would be here to hold me tight until the rage subsides.

Thinking of you all my friends. Keep safe, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear All,

it's early morning and I have been awake for a while. I guess the whole thing about mental illness (or any illnerss) is that you cannot get a break from yourself or your ever ticking mind. I read some posts from July last year and am afraid to say that my questions or thoughts when I am confused have not really changed.

I have acknowledged on and off in the last few months that I need help - and everytime someone in the professional world confirms this, I freak out. So in my head the story plays something like this using the example of a physical sickness. Yggy thinking"oh I think I am sick, I might have the flu". Yggy tries everything to get rid off the flu (good food, lots of rest, hot baths...), but weeks later "Oh I am still feeling really bad, but I am scared to go to the doctor, I might be right". Yggy weeks later is in terrible pain "Oh why does no one ever help me?" Yggy eventually goes to the doctor. Doctor says "Yggy, you have the flu and by the way you have asthma as well, that makes it all feel even worse, so let me help you. To start with you will need to take some medication to make you feel better and you will need to work less". Yggy shuts down, goes home and thinks "Doctor does not like me and always makes me feel worse and wants to poison me with drugs - Yggy better work harder to feel better". Interesting pattern... I guess I am the sort of patient, that actually gets out of the doctors office and lights a cigarette after that diagnosis.

Thank you Sherie for asking why I started this in the first place. Because I am scared the next blow will knock me out for good. And I think that is still a valid reason.

Thank you Shelley for flying that kite with me.

Thank you Neil for continuing to explain the same things over and over to me - every time from a slightly different angle and often with a couple of lines to make me smile. Yes, I am indeed incredibly worried about the cough our neighbour's cat might get due to the side effects of my new meds.

I guess if it was easy, everybody would do it. I think I may just take this story with me when I see the psych next.

In my head I am still trying to figure out how I got rid off the cough and asthma the last times - especially while I was still smoking. How come I cannot shake it off anymore? What was different back then?

Yggy is now laughing loud in her head and shaking her head vigorously... here we go again... welcome to the never ending rollercoaster...

Have a good weekend & take care, Yggy x

[Guest_1055]

Hi yggy

No need to reply if you don't want to, you are free......

Just wanted to let you know though I am thinking of you.

Many hugs

Shell xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

every day I hear new meaning in these lyrics.

And I wonder how to move on
From all I had inside
Place my cards upon the table
In blood I draw the line
I've given all my pride

I'm never gonna let you win
No I will not surrender
Even if I start to fall
I swear to you I'll rise again.

I won't let them win, I promise.

Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_5218]

Nice to hear from you Yggy.

Those lyrics are strong and powerful.  

Very defiant - just like you.

Thinking of you Yggy.

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

how are you? I missed chatting to you today. I think I am not very good at taking a break. Sorry for being such a mess.

How was your weekend?

I meet my psych tomorrow and I have made a long list of things I want to say. I hope I will be able to say them. I feel like a nervous little child before the first really important exam - or at least I think that is how they feel, as that kind of nervousness is something I don't experience. 

Take care, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Ok, with nervousness and little children, I would strongly suggest having a toilet stop before your appointment – just so there’s no little ‘accidents’.  Ok, with the situation hopefully being a little lighter – and that was Neil’s attempt at purely directed humour, I really hope that your appointment (today) goes really well for you.

At least I hope it’s today;  as you said ‘tomorrow’ and I took tomorrow as being yesterday.  But if it was truly today, then your appointment won’t be till tomorrow and so, I am a day early with my suggestion of saying that your appointment was indeed, today.

Oh boy, I think I need a lie down after that … I’m dizzy.

Weekend was ok thanx – lovely warm weather experienced, as we rumble slowly towards the end of summer and enter the autumn of 2016.

Please, on here Yggy, we don’t have to ever apologise and if you feel like you’re a mess, then that’s how it is for you at this time.  It’s also good that you’re aware of it and as a result, addressing it as well.   So I hope this upcoming appointment is a good one and you feel a bit of a weight lifted from you when you leave.  Knowing full well that an appointment will not be the full answer to all things, but hopefully there’ll be certain things raised by your psych that you’ll be able to take away to use and hopefully implement.

I’m going along ok and thank you for asking.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy, I just wanted to quickly touch base and let you know that I am thinking of you also.

Gosh Neil, you've got me totally confused about the appointment date now.  ( - :    xx

I believe it is today.  So Yggy, I hope it is a productive appointment and that between you and your psych, you can resolve the best way forward.  One that suits you, and one that you are therefore happy to commit to.

Go get em Tiger ..........

Sherie xx