Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil and Sherie,

to be honest, I am just exhausted this morning and I have a big day ahead.

Neil, I made sure to go to the little girl's room 😉 as a person with IBS I always know where the little girl's room is 🙂 I'm dizzy as you are with my appointments, I actually had to check what's going on. I would say the solution is a good phone diary, but lately I have been too lazy to enter the appointments so I have a stack of cards in my wallet.

I talked and said everything I wrote down. I just talked and said what is worrying me right now in my life. That I see my life falling apart around me. That I don't understand why I cannot just move on this time. When my mind is racing it feels like a tornado is going through. I feel I am on the edge. I have talked a lot in the last couple of weeks, to my psychiatrist, to my psychologist, to my GP, to phone counsellors. I will get through this. I won't give up.

I will have to go now and get ready for a big day at work. On one hand work is often giving me the relief from restless thinking about myself and we all agree that it is good to keep a routine, but it is a challenge.

Hope you have a good day. Take care, Yggy

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

I am empty. I don't know what to say. But I don't want to stop posting. I know that the more I isolate myself the worse I get. That is why I try to keep in touch, but lately I just don't know what to say and don't have the energy. I won't say sorry, because I know you don't want me to apologise, but I want you to know how I feel and that I am thinking of you and that I am safe. Hopefully the new meds will kick in soon.

How is the gym? Wait, I will reply to your last two long emails, before I ask that question again.

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Morning Yggy.  Thanks for keeping in touch to let us know how you are going.  Even though you dont feel like it, or think you have anything to really say.

It sounds like you had a really good talk this week at your appointment.  Thats a good thing.

You said yesterday "I will get through this, I wont give up".   Now thats the Yggy I've gotten to know!   ( - :

There is nothing I can say or do to make life any easier for you right now.  But please know that I do have a reasonable idea of what you are going through, and I care very much about you.  And no, dont apologise.

I m pleased to hear you say that you are safe.  Please stay that way.  And hopefully the new meds will help you through this tough time.  I've only just re-commenced anti-anxiety meds myself this week.  So I know what that is like.

Thinking of you Yggy......

Sherie xx

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Thanx for you recent updates and the big question I would like to ask is:   After all the unloading and talking that you did at your appointment, did you feel at least a little better?   I realise by doing that kind of thing (unloading and talking) it can be very draining, amazing isn’t it … we go to such appointments to try to get things out, to share, etc all for the purpose of hopefully getting us to be in a better place.  Yet, by doing so, it really can take a toll, both physically and mentally.  However, did you walk out feeling like something was achieved?

Do you feel good and comfortable with your psych?   Just from what I’ve gauged by you in your latest posts, it seems that you must have some connection – otherwise you may have been reluctant to open up and talk so much.  So that’s a good thing, yeah?

And yes, never under-estimate the value of work (oh yes, definitely financially – it brings in that much needed object called money), but also as you said, it gives relief from the restless thinking about yourself.   Also do NOT ever dismiss the fact that you are very good at your job, at your work – this is HUGE Yggy.    Use that a lot – if you’re feeling doubtful or low, then look at how you function and perform in your workplace – doing what you’re doing is not something that just anyone could do.  This is one of your own fields of excellence and you should feel bloody proud of yourself for what you’ve achieved so far and what will no doubt continue to happen in the future.

From what I know about you and your work, you make me very proud to know you.

Kind regards

Neil

Ps:  keep up the brilliant work.

Pss:  keep booting that mongrel dog back into its kennel – it’s the old pecking order thing and he must know that he’s not the dominant one in this relationship.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil and Sherie,

thank you for making me feel like I am not on my own. I know it is my choice but I have not shared with my husband or my friend how bad things have been getting lately. I guess because I am so confused most of the time.

I am feeling a little better tonight. I slept during the day and rested. Neil, I have not been able to function and perform at work lately and have taken time off again and again. I still go to work most days, but a lot less hours. Something had to give. When I think about the Black Veil Brides song, I feel that I have drawn a line. I feel like I had to. Things were getting out of control. It took me a while to realise how bad I was getting. I had a few wake up calls with the psychs lately, I even had the suggestion to go to hospital. Thankfully for now it is only a suggestion. I do worry about the affect on my job, but I get assured that things will get better. Hopefully soon. Fingers crossed.

I don't feel good or comfortable with the psych. I decided not to cotton wool things anymore and spend session after session for the psych to figure out who I am and which therapy to try - I decided not to wait until I feel comfortable to share things, but just blast them out as I feel them and see what happens. Not stuff about the past, but how I feel deserted and disappointed and hurt and how angry I am at the current situation and that I don't understand what is happening to me. Not the nicest way to meet someone. If you ask for an achievement, yes I did achieve what I wanted. I wanted to empower myself and say the things I have been thinking about saying and I did. I did not hide or withdraw or stop talking.

Sherie, how are you getting on with your meds? I think I can start to feel my increased dose, I have yet to try the new meds that I should take additionally. Neil, I am still worried about the neighbours cat. I'll ask my psychiatrist if the neighbours cat will be ok, before starting the new meds.

Neil, how is little Tess? Is she coping okay with this heatwave? How are you coping with the heat?

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy, I'm happy to hear that you are feeling a little better tonight.  It probably helped to tell the psych exactly how you feel about everything.  That must have felt good?

I understand about you not telling your husband about how things really stand.  I dont tell mine either. Though you've done amazingly well with your work, it is now time to concentrate primarily on you.  I know you find work takes your mind off things during the day, but that could also be prolonging things.  Kind of finding excuses to put things off a little longer, and not addressing the real issues?

Its good you've discovered that a sleep during the day gives you a bit of a boost and allows you to get through the day a little better.  Sleep is a very important factor in our thinking.  

I know it is for me because I have just gone through about 3 weeks of practically no sleep as a result of nightmares, flashbacks, distressing thoughts and memories that I have been unable to stop.  It is exausting, upsetting and just doesnt allow you to think rationally.  I just wasnt coping as a result.  Which is why I went back on medication at the start of the week.  Its medication that I had this time last year when I went through a particulary difficult time, but I stopped taking it soon afterwards.  So I still had a months supply of it left, so I bit the bullet and decided to go back on it.  I expect it to be short term only.  

You asked how I am going with it so far?  Its helped with sleeping, as besides being an anti-anxiety med it also helps sleep.  So that is a plus, and I have been getting several hours sleep at night most of this week.  It is also meant to help with nerve pain, and my back injury has been playing up lately, so thats another bonus.  I think its too early yet to notice much difference with anxiety symptoms or nerve pain.  But just being able to get a bit of sleep at least is allowing me to see things more rationally.  Thats a help in itself.

You check with your psychiatrist about the neighbours cat, but I'm sure he will reassure you that the cat will be fine with your new meds.  You are funny Neil ............   ( - :

Its hot, sticky and humid up here on the mid north coast of NSW also.  Its after 10.30pm and still stiflingly hot.

Bring on the end of summer, and the end of February ............

Thinking of you yggy.  BTW, your Cafe hammock that you lent me gets plenty of use, and we have even added an extra one to cope with demand.   ( - :

Sherie xx

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy & Sherie,

Another week has just about gone & did you know, that as of yesterday (8 months to go) that there were roughly only 304 shopping days to Christmas.  Actually, 303 cause you’ve gotta take out Easter Friday as everything is shut then.  Not to mention if you have a birthday that falls between now & then, as you possibly wouldn’t wanna do any Chrissie shopping on your birthday, so there you go, it’s been reduced to just 302.  Don’t say I didn’t warn yee.

The warmer weather … I’m loving it.  Keep it going I say;  the colder stuff will be here before too much longer & it’ll be rugged up & freezing your barnacles off first thing of a morning & just generally feeling too cold to do anything.  Least ways now, you can get a beautiful dose of Vitamin D (I think it’s D – should be S in my opinion or T – but D just doesn’t make any sense at all) as well as it’s so easy to hop up out of bed of a morning, as opposed to it being so cold that you smash your alarm & hunker further down under the doona.  Or maybe that’s just me.

Now, Yggy, you said you get assured that things will get better regarding work.  Is that coming from your boss, & if so, that must be comforting to know that they’re got your back.

So how did you feel after launching into the unloading at the psych’s appointment?   I’m also damn proud of you for doing so & I really hope that you felt that a weight was lifted off your shoulders.  I know with how you’ve been over the time you’ve been here, that I believe you’ve found it difficult to talk about your issues, so that must have felt so wonderful (not sure that’s the right word) that you were able to do that.   I guess from that, you’ve probably given your psych a lot of their own homework for your next appointment, so they can plan & come up with strategies & avenues forward from here for you.  Least ways, I hope that’s what they’ll be doing.

C’mon Yggy, the neighbour’s cat is a fine upstanding individual of the feline community – it will be able to handle the new addition of med.  In fact, it’s wanting you to begin taking it.  And then with the combined effect of your increase of dosage, it’ll have you whizzing around your home like you’re a brand new you.

Tess is very unlike me … first of all she walks on all fours, she is terribly cute, is a female & is quite hairy AND she doesn’t like the heat.  So when we’re home, she’s inside with us with the air-con on.

End of Part One.

[Neil_1]

Sherie, I’m very much like you & Yggy, in that I haven’t told my husband about things either.   However, my partner (not my wife, as we’ve both been there & done that a long time ago, so we decided not to get married) does know a huge lot about me & my background, etc etc … in fact, loads of it.  I sometimes unload a bit, sometimes not, but for the most part, she does know – well she must, cause she’s read my manuscript about my life & battle with depression, anxiety & ptsd; I didn’t pull any punches in it.

Sherie & Yggy, is there a particular reason that you haven’t unloaded (or at least partially) to your respective hubbies?   Is it because they are of the old school & they have the stereotypical view of mental health issues, so your comments may well be falling not on deaf ears, but at least ones that find what you’re saying, a little hard to fathom?

Yes sleep is a huge thing for all of us, the more we can get of it the better.   Sherie … so your anti-anxiety tablet is obviously taken at night, as it helps promote drowsiness, which in turn can quite often lead to sleep.  I have those kinds of tablets as well – though I have two different ones for the night-time edition of my meds.  Not sleeping tablets, but they do very much help promote the getting to of sleep, which is amazing cause otherwise the insomnia that I have suffered from all my life would still rule me.

Just on a side note – I bet in the mosquito world (or as we also like to know them as, mozzie’s) there’s a whole host of them who complain to each other during the day time that they suffer from insomnia.  Cause the little mongrels can be often heard buzzing around the bedrooms of a night time, when they should be tucked up in their own beds.

One last side note:  me & the fam had a trip to Canada, oh, coming up to two years ago this coming June & it was funny talking to some of the locals over there & mentioning mozzies.  They asked, “Say what?  What are you talkin’ about?”   I said, “Mozzies … you know the little blighters with the big proboscis that jabs into you & sucks the blood out of you … mosquito’s”.   They return with a major laugh & said, “Mossies … oh you Ossie’s are funny … over here we call ‘em Skeeters”.  There you go, something you may not have known (that I can write in both Australian & Canadian).

Neil

[Guest_5218]

Morning Neil and Yggy.

Neil I always get a lot of enjoyment and mirth from reading your morning tirade Neil.  So thankyou.

The reason I dont talk to hubby about ptsd matters is because (a) he has enough issues of his own including service related ptsd and bouts of depression, without bothering him with mine (b) he doesnt believe that anybody other than war service personnel can get ptsd (c) he doesnt listen to me anyway, so I just dont ever get a chance to talk to him about such matters (d) I dont wish to 'stir the pot' for him by talking about something that happened before I knew him.  He is an extremely jeolous person.  (e) well, just because I cant talk to him about it, or anybody else for that matter.  I have told my psych, and touched on it through these forums, but nobody else knows.  My psych tells me I need to tell my GP, but so far I havent been able to, but I am working on it.  Something to achieve this year!  ( - :

Mmm, I think your Tess is very much like me by the sound of it.  I am female and told that I'm kinda cute.  And I'm definitely like her in that I cant handle the heat. I guess you could call me hairy, in that I do have long hair?  But obviously not all over!  And yep, there are also times that I get around on all fours!  When my back ceases up on me, which happens from time to time.  Then I am unable to stand up, so can only crawl around on all fours.  And I think Tess is on the aged side as well?  Yeah, Tess and I have a lot in common I think.   ( - :

Your story on mosquitos - yes I have heard them referred to as skeeters as well.  Perhaps in America?  I guess we pick up on the first syllable ie 'mos' to call them mozzies, and the Canadians the second syllable ie 'squito' to call them squittas.  Interesting isnt it?  And ever so impressive to know that you are bi-lingual Neil, at least when it comes to mozzie talk.  

Thats right Neil, the meds I am on are not sleeping pills as such.  But they are meant to assist in that regard.

I love the cold actually.  And I really miss the cold crisp white frosty mornings of the ACT and surrounds.  I would happily go back for the weather.  I live on the NSW mid north coast these days, which is lovely of course, but I do miss the cold dry winters.  I do still have family in your area, and I think I am becoming a little 'soft' after 7 years away, but I still like it and would adjust very quickly.

Okay Neil and Yggy, I hope you both have a good day.

Thinking of you both,

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

300 days to xmas... I better get started.

Vitamin D - S - T? Sun and Tan? I love the warmer months as well - I don't like the short days in winter, I don't like the dark. But the days are beautiful. I am currently trying to figure out the best way of exercising through winter - either go to the gym or stay outdoors. With the recent weight gain I better get some new clothes to rug up, I think I will go with the outdoor option.

Neil, you are such a breath of fresh air, you always make me smile.

Work is stressful, they don't know what's going on, but are supportive. My psychs tells me that feeling so distressed, exhausted and confused is temporary - eventually it should get better in all aspects of my life again.

You made me think as you repeat the question about unloading at the psych. I keep thinking that I am too defiant to "unload" my problems, how can you "unload" your own problems? But I think I am feeling better, not only because the increased meds are kicking in, but also I have finally let them know how bad I am feeling. It is good to share that. I am not sure if they took homework with them or if they are making plans how to best help me. I still don't feel comfortable with them, that they look out for me, that I trust them - but then, there are not many people I trust. It sounds weird to say that when I have been typing away for months on this forum, but in the end I don't trust. I explained to my GP once, that I just stopped caring, it has nothing to do with trust.

The neighbours cat will have to wait for the brand new Yggy whizzing around my home until I see the psych. My head does all weird and wonderful little loops to get what it wants, so my head decided that I cannot remember how and when I have to take my meds. I don't think the pharmacy got it right.

You ask why I don't share. My husband knows I am not well. He knows I am on meds and seeing psychs and GPs and he checks up on me and encourages me to rest and to get moving. He does not push me for information and I am grateful for that. I get so confused and I don't understand what  happens to me when memories come back, I don't understand my  relationships from the past - and I think that is the main reason. The impact on my relationships in the present with these events is still unclear for myself and I don't want anyone else to make that decision for me. I have not lost the feeling that I am playing Jenga with my life.

End of Part 1.