Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

You bought tears to my eyes, your beautiful words to me really struck a chord (or is it cord?).  You know what I mean – it’s so tough to be able to see inside ourselves and think that we are ‘good people’.  I was unable to save my brother – I took him to the river, I made the wrong choice in the river – how on earth can I be a good person.  And stemming from that, in effect, that shattered our family.  And no doubt bought on Dad’s leukaemia and Mum’s cancer, through stress and worry.

Just knowing Mum and Dad were alive, I could call them and chat.  Just the knowing.

To Mum and Dad, I didn’t bang on a lot about my brother, I knew inside they were hurting big time and for me to say how I felt about it, would only exacerbate their own pain.  I did let them know on a couple of occasions, but also they weren’t in the vintage of the depression thing too much, although Mum became more aware of it in her later years.  Though she did ask if I was still on my meds and when she heard that I was, she would say, it’s probably time for me to get off them.  So that’s kind of why I never spoke too much about my guilt and hurt.

Yggy, there’s really no-one who can ease my pain and what I live with.  Although a man name Jimmy Boags (he’s called James Boags to most people, who don’t know him as well as I do) can often help of an evening and night.  Though I started again on my DOG days last night … so time to give the beer a bit of a swerve for a while.  It’s a damn shame that they can’t invent a beer that still tastes good and has no  bloating side effects and can also produce testosterone to help in growth levels from my gym workouts.

What you also said to Mary – funny how I can be my own worst enemy.  I think in a lot of cases, this could apply to almost all of us.

You know this is where I get to the stage where I begin to close up shop – not because of me talking to you Yggy, or anyone – but with my continual turning of negatives against me.  Because I don’t want to sound like a whinger who cannot be reasoned with – I think this is why I’ve gone quiet with so many friends and the like.

I mean, how does it sound to others when someone says, “Thank for all this, but you know, no matter what you say, I cannot be healed”.  It’s very disheartening and self-defeating at the same time. 

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

why are you embarrassed writing about yourself on BB? Why do you think you are complaining? I wish it was that easy as just putting down the sentence "just get on with life" - I hope from the bottom of my heart that you can do that.  I wish I could. I wish I would not feel like drowning in self pity. I wish I could just pull myself together and tell myself how lucky I am with the life I have - in the grand scheme of things, there is "nothing wrong with me" - there are about 7.4 billion people in the world, nearly 800 million of those are undernourished. In the grand scheme of things I should be counting myself lucky every single day. And I don't know why I cannot do this anymore. I used to be quite good at that. I don't think it is our choice to feel like this. Please remember this.

Thank you for the advise with the new psych. Unfortunately I did it the wrong way round and just stopped seeing my psychologist and psychiatrist and am now lost. Not a clever move, but to be honest I never even thought to do what you suggested. I just felt hurt and did not want to go back and get hurt more.

Take care Mary and I hope the meds are helping you soon, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Paul,

thank you so much for your kind words and advise. It is great to read that you made progress, even if it took years, and I am grateful to read what is helping you. If you don't mind, I would appreciate if you taught me a little more about what you do.

How did you leave perfectionism behind? And what do you mean by truly?

How do you accept a dark mood?

What do you mean by gentle occupation in difficult periods?

I am exhausted and will try to sleep. I often feel like my head just gives up on me. I get disoriented when I am tired and confused.

Thank you Paul and I wish you all the best, take care, Yggy

[blondguy]

Hi Mary yggy and Neil

Mary....I understand exactly what you said about being 'embarrassed writing on here' I am too...It just means you are human....caring and sensitive....I too am tired of fighting....You are a pillar of strength on here Mary...I read your comments when ever I can, even though I am a 'newbie'......I feel your pain Mary...(Hug for you)

Hi yggy

thankyou for responding....very kind of you 🙂

* Perfectionism/Type 'A' personality....Everything has to right...correct and to keep striving for excellence..

* Type 'A' Personality.....Sure good to have....(i dont if you do)...I used to until I learned how to 'undo it'

* Type 'A' people are high achievers....whether its career based or a personal relationship...even though a person may have been brought up that way....and do achieve....when they fall they fall a long way due to the high goals they have set themselves...if they have a setback....the disappointment and sense of failure is sometimes exaggerated and they are more prone to anxiety/depression than than your average blue collar worker...

* How to dump being a perfectionist?....Excellent question Yggy....Please refer next message..no room here

* A Dark Mood....hmmm....lack of energy.....motivation.....wanting to stay in bed....not face 'the world' ..Difficulty sleeping...superficial sleep..not a deep sleep....waking up exhausted....self doubt with work/and/or in a relationship....mental exhaustion.. A dark mood to me is a bad situation...relationship breakdown or ending.....being made redundant or sacked....(just keeping it simple here Yggy....I hope this isnt boring...seriously)

* Gentle Occupation (In difficult times) ...umm...when there is something that is upsetting or just a bad time..gentle occupation is a learned coping mechanism.....examples for me?....umm gardening/landscaping connecting with mother earth....Music..its one key to your soul....burn a CD with all your favorites on it....then enjoy it. Really..anything that makes you feel good without being 'busy' or deadlines..or airports..or queues...just part of the 'art' of being gentle to yourself (I use 'gentle' because it rings my bell better than using 'kind')

* Truly leaving perfectionism behind....Actually believing (in your heart and mind) that you dont really have to be operating at 100% of your capacity when you can achieve the same using half the effort (letting go)

I hope you can get something out of that Yggy...Be Gentle to yourself and take care...

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I will write more later this morning, but I just want to say one thing, in case you are checking this thread before I get to write my post. You are talking about going quiet, closing up shop, because you don't want to sound like a whinger, who cannot be reasoned with and that you cannot be healed.

I cannot fathom the loss, the hurt, the pain, the guilt you feel. None of this was your fault, but you may think differently when you feel the clouds close in. All I can tell you, is that it is okay to talk about it or write about it here. When you feel like you need to write about it, when you feel like you need to share. Remember when you posted about your Mum back in October? It is okay to open up. One of the hardest parts for me to experience when growing up, is that the world continued, time continued, when I was stuck. No one can truly understand what each one of us is going through, but we can listen or if possible pick eachother up from time to time. So please don't close shop. Whenever you feel like it is getting to the point, where you want to tell me - then tell me, whichever way you feel like. Whether you tell me what happened in your life and treat me as a person who has never heard this before, or tell me what is going on right now. It is okay. I know what it feels like when people think you should have moved on (by now). It hurts. And I don't think shutting up about my hurt has helped me in the long run.

Neil, I am here for you. Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I have a calendar with positive notes at work and the other day it said "be yourself because an original is worth more than a copy". This is so hard, it is hard to accept myself the way I am, but I have to try. 

Parents have a wonderful way (if they are nice parents) to make us feel safe and happy. The other week when I was so angry, I was also angry with my Mum and Dad, very angry, but when I eventually talked to my Mum, which I avoided for a while, I was able to snap out of it and remember that she never would have wanted me to go through so much pain. She does not know what happened and what I am going through right now, but just her voice made me calmer. I understand how much you miss being able to hear your Mum and Dad and how comforting it was to know they were there. 

I will say it again and again, it was not your fault that your brother died - and I don't care that I was not there and should not say this as I was not there, but I know it was not your fault, you did not want your brother to die. It was an accident. And it is not your fault that your parents got sick. Unfortunately this happens and some of us get more than our fair share of grief, but that does not mean that it is our fault. 

I understand that you did not talk much to your parents about your grief. For me it is difficult to share my emotions with loved ones that have gone through the same loss - I guess that is why my grieving process does not work. 

Neil, I am glad you don't rely on your mate Jimmy for comfort all the time. Keep counting those DOG days! I am so proud that you keep pushing for this, and remember a little set back does not mean you failed. I have a very unhealthy way to jolt myself out of a bad phase and get myself to the present. I talked to a phone counsellor and for the first time understood what grounding means. This is my grounding technique and I need to find new ways to ground myself. I guess your friend Jimmy does something like numbing, or distracting? I also understood why I do some other things in my life and I think that is the first step, to realise I do this to keep me sane, to keep me present, to keep me out of the kennel. But I guess after living like this all my life or at least 30 years, it will be hard to find new ways. I also learnt that I am the way I am because of what happened to me, not because there is something wrong with me.

I want to continue learning so that one day I can be of value again.

Have a lovely weekend, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

thank you for mentioning that part of seeing my old psychologist and psychiatrist until I have a new suitable one. I have decided to get back in touch with my old ones so I can continue treatment. It will probably be easier than starting all over again before I find a suitable one.

Thank you Mary - I think my GP could have bust his head against the wall trying to get this message through to me - and believe me he has tried.

 Take care, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Dear all,

Well, this was a great thread – now it’s an even greater (or if you will, brilliant) thread.  We’ve got others on board and that’s awesome.

White Rose, I’ve known for a long time now and really enjoy her posts, advice, care and support that she gives out so often.

Paul (woof) is, as he mentioned, only a newbie, but oh wow, he’s slotted in here beautifully.  Providing some really insightful and helpful posts out and joining in conversations – it’s awesome stuff.

Yggy, is Yggy and we all know that – you’ve been doing it tough for a long while (not that others haven’t been either), but with respect to that and I’ve said this a number of times, you have so many positives happening for you.  I’ll be staying here with you – and now I find it so awesome now that we’ve got some others on board as well.  Many hands make light work – well, perhaps not light work, but many heads I think can then offer up different responses, different thoughts, opinions – it’s all good.

Ok Yggy – opening up huh?  I like that term better than whinging, which is what I used.   Now I don’t mean to harp on this, but if not me to blame then it was my bro and it definitely wasn’t him – it WAS me.  That wasn’t me shouting, just emphasising.  As an ex-wife of mine said (only one by the way), “You create your life with every choice you make”.  That was the creation of my future, by making the choice I did on multiple occasions that day.  I made decisions that were wrong.

Wrong = fault (I looked it up in my Funk ‘n Wagnells – now there’s a blast from the dinosaur past). 

If you make a decision and it’s a wrong decision, then blame must follow.  A wrong decision means that someone is at fault – which is the maker of that decision.  Me.

I know now that I’m harping on it and I know that you and others on here will be like so many other people I’ve encountered during my time since (bar, my $@#% of a blood relative and his equally $%#^ of a wife, but they’re in another basket altogether) and will tell me that it was nobody’s fault, that I’m not to blame and I shouldn’t do that.

But the fact of the matter is, it DID happen and I WAS the cause of it.

End of Part 1. 

Neil

[Neil_1]

Start of Part 2:

I could unload a bit more, trouble is the 2,500 character limit might get smashed before I hardly get going.  I think that’s why I’ve done it all up in manuscript format – which I’m quite proud about.  The trouble for budding authors is, who’ll give a mug a break!!?!?  I did find one agency two years ago and they were keen as to get it done and published for me.  Trouble with that, they came back with figures that blew me away – it was going to cost the price of a new car (albeit, possibly a small one) to get it done and ‘out there’.  So that really put a hole in my quest.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I hear you, loud and clear. Would it help you if I don't highlight that it is not your fault? Would you feel that I understand you better? Would you open up when you need to if you know I don't immediately reply it was not your fault? Please let me know because only you can know what makes you feel better. That's why I asked what was the important part of your parents being there. And it is okay, if you say "I am sick and tired of everyone telling me it is not my fault." I once told my husband not to try and talk to me if I cry because of my Dad, all I ever wanted was to lie in his arms and let the tears flow. it helped me.

When you said you were looking for a publisher, tell me what it was that you were trying to publish? 

Neil, I am here for you! Yggy x