Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[White_Rose]

Dear Neil and Yggy

I have read a number of your posts in this and other threads and I want to say how much I admire you both for your tenacity and strength. We are all broken, as someone once said to me, and we go though such horrendous times. Of course everyone has bad times and before I became anxious/depressed I had my share.  Now it seems I have nothing but bad times.  A year ago I was feeling good, life was on the up and the pain and anger  in my life was going away. I thought I was, well, cured. The person who had caused me so much distress had gone and I was free to get on with my life. It was so wonderful.

Then I discovered I had breast cancer. I have written about this on other threads so I won't go into details. To me it was a nuisance, a glitch in my life and once I had surgery and radiation, all would be well again. And this was true until after my treatment when I was given some medication to deter further cancer. This medication interacted with my AD in an horrendous way and I fell in to the pit again. I cannot begin to describe the anger, frustration, and above all the emotional pain and despair this caused. And I so desperately wanted to die, to leave all the pain behind and not go through this again because it was all too much. But that's not how it works is it?

At first I thought I was having a depression relapse but when I told the breast doctor she told me this was a well-known reaction or interaction with these drugs.

I stopped taking both meds and the chemicals were eliminated but the emotional and psychological effects stayed. I really tried to manage my life and be the person I was before but I cannot. I vowed I would not take ADs again but two days ago, sitting in my doctor's office in tears I agreed to take ADs again. I wanted so much to be well again but it does not happen like that. Obviously the previous AD was what was keeping me "sane".

So, much like you guys, I am back on the merry-go-round or roller coaster. Now I am waiting for the drugs to kick in and trying to keep myself going. Every day I wake in despair and try to find the strength to get through the day. Perhaps when the meds get going I will feel better. I never thought I would be willing to take meds of this kind again but it shows the level of desperation I feel.

So why I am writing this here and butting in on your conversation? Because I want to say how much I admire your tenacity and courage. I know it how hard it is to keep going.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Dear Mary

Thank you for your post.  Please don’t ever think that by posting in any thread that you are butting in – there is no butting in – these forums are open slather for anyone, me thinks.  So while this one has been largely dominated by Yggy and myself, I believe it’s open to anyone to chime in at any time.

I was aware that you had gone off your AD’s, but now it seems that this is the way to go for the upcoming period of time.  But I really hope that you know that this is going to have to happen only because of that other cancer medication that they gave you.  If not for that, I’m pretty sure that you would still be AD free, yeah?

So just a mixture of a cocktail of different meds, it’s no wonder that things like this can happen and when you were just going along and feeling pretty ok and reasonable – and all doing that on the no AD’s, that was just brilliant of you.

I do have to say that I grinned at your labelling of you getting breast cancer as a ‘nuisance’.  If that’s not showing of tenacity and courage, I really don’t know what is.  Just a brilliant, wonderful attitude.  Oh damn, I’ve got cancer – that’s a nuisance.  I’m not having a go, I’m just inspired by your handling of it.

So Mary, yes please, post here and by all means, stay around as well.

This is a place where we can all talk about our own issues, kind of get them out there, which is how I’m feeling a bit of late – and Yggy and I have already signed an invisible pact between the two of us, that each of us can freely air our issues here – as it’s not just a thread for Yggy.

Kind regards

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Neil

Thank you for your kind and reassuring post. I was still taking the ADs when I had the radiation treatment and I suppose I still needed them. My GP and I were playing with the dose. I think that part of me had accepted I will need to take ADs for some considerable time.  When I stopped taking both meds because of the bad interaction and started to recover I really thought I was managing without AD.  So when I fell in a heap one day I was completely shocked.

Decided I could still manage because I can get a bit stubborn. But the past few weeks have been dreadful. I am not really a brave person. If I was I would persevere for longer but the internal devastation is too hard for me. I am finding, much like your story of the TV program, that these kinds of triggers have me in tears, feeling alone and afraid.  I am essentially on my own.  I do have family but not within immediate reach and that's what we need on these occasions. Immediate comfort and support.

It doesn't take away the pain and grief but it does give some healing I feel.  So I'm just having a bit of a moan about how hard life is. It has finally convinced me that if meds can keep me from hurting so much I will be better off taking them. I just hope this new drug does not take away the person I am and leave an empty shell behind. No pain yes, but no pleasure either. I really don't know which would be worse.

Dear Yggy

I am with you sitting on that floor.  and I feel like I am putting my cards on the table. I am exhausted and apart from talking in secret to professionals, I have started to let go. I don't care anymore. I think. I am tired of pretending. I think. I have lost the will to fight and pretend. I think. I feel like I am sitting in an empty room on the floor, saying: please help.

Maybe we need to completely let go before we start to heal. I don't know. I just want all this to be over, however it happens.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I am thinking of you. Please remember that the ADs have helped before, but that it takes a little time for them to kick in and there might be side effects, but all will hopefully get back into a sort of livable state soon.

You are always welcome on this thread. Please feel free to always come here and talk to us. I feel like I know you a little, as we have often seen eachother here. And I would like to support you the way you support me too. At least we are not alone sitting on the floor waiting for this all to be over. I am not sure if it ever will be over.

I am lost for words tonight.I am just so lost.

I will try to write more tomorrow. Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

It makes me upset and angry, that a beautiful mind like yours would be able to think it has not been used. Being thoughtful is what many people find the hardest. You have a beautiful mind.

It is not you that makes me angry, but society. From an early age we get labelled, we get graded, we get pushed into little boxes. It is not right. We are all unique and we are all clever in our own way. My label in society is gifted. There was no fuzz around gifted children when I was in school, and I only had an IQ test in my 30s, but I had good teachers who supported my interests. And that is where I get stuck. My interests are maths and anything logical & closely related to maths. So the subjects in school were maths and physics. All other subjects relied pretty much on my well developed short term memory. I have no "space" in my head for history, geography, arts... pretty much anything that is not related to maths. I fail miserably at trivia, and do not play it. I don't know bands, authors, politicians... and believe me I have tried to learn in later life, as I need to know, if I want to mingle with society. Over time I have accepted that I rather do a logical puzzle than know all capitals in the world or when a certain band had a certain hit. It is not important for me. So small talk can at times be challenging with me.

The second part to my story is that the five most important people in my life - my kids,  my husband, my mum and my best friend - all work with their hands, no one went to high school, no one had grades that would be mentioned on a billboard. And that does not matter. They are gifted, they are determined, they are hard workers, they have their heart in the right spot and they are very clever in their own way. I am so proud of every single one of them and it hurts me so much that they get classified and labelled in society. They are creative and they all have their niche where they are unbelievably clever and much more clever than me. And so are you. Promotions and labels in society are not a sign of how clever you are. I just wish I could sit down with you. I am so proud of you that you have the determination to work every day and provide for your family. I am so proud of you, that you come to this forum and change peoples lives. I am so proud of you that you can schedule a trainings plan to work out for competitions. I am so proud of you that you keep a loving relationship with your kids. I am so proud of you! YOU ARE CLEVER!

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

the second part of your post makes me sad (and that is okay). I am glad your family and little Tess and Jack were with you. It is wonderful that Jack in so in tune with people's feelings. Animals are amazing in that way.

You miss your Mum and Dad every day. What do you miss most about your relationship with them. What changed in your heart when you had them on the phone? What comfort were they able to give you when no one else could help? Was your relationship always that intense or did you get closer after your brother died? Can you remember what your Mum and Dad would say to you when you felt overwhelmed by the pain, the guilt, the hurt, the loss, the sadness? Can you remember how your parents would soothe your pain when you were a little child?

 I have never myself thought in detail about the questions I just asked you. I think I miss my Dad so much, as he was my rock. When everything crashed around me, I could go to him. My Dad knew how to calm me when I got furious. He knew how to give me a pep talk when I had been sick for a long long time and was desperate to go back to school. He knew how to restrain me (with a big bear hug) when I struggled to communicate my emotions. He knew when I just needed a rest and sit with him quietly. He just knew. We were so different in our interests, but I think my character is like his and he just always knew what to do. I became the rock for the family when he died and no one ever was as good as my Dad to know what to do with me, when I struggled emotionally.

It was my Dad's birthday and I have no tears left. I feel like closing the door on my past. I don't feel I have the energy left to go through the process. I need someone to help me stay in the present, to help me do all the little things that make me feel better and stay connected and I have not got that support right now. I am exhausted when I can take off my mask in the car after work. Believe me, I don't feel clever at all when I have to ask someone to help me plan fun activities in my day or to help me challenge the thought that I am useless, stupid, unlovable. There seems to be such a gap between what other people see and how I feel. I am functioning for the outside world - but I have lost my drive. I will be okay again, I know, but at the moment I have to take it day by day, hour by hour.

Neil, I wish I could ease your pain. Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I am glad to see you post here. I do think of you often and how you are coping. I am so sorry to know that after all you had gone through in life, the chemicals (medication - as my psych and GP always correct me) have made it worse, but I do hope that this is temporary and you will be better with the new meds. Please know that it is okay that you changed your mind about the ADs. I guess sometimes we need a little help. I am so lost for words when I see the GP now that I just say - I do whatever you think is best.

Unfortunately my merry-go-round has not stopped with the meds. I sometimes wonder if I need an increase in meds or a review, but I don't want to see my psychiatrist and I don't think my GP wants to address my meds without my psych. So I just stay with what I have at the moment. I know what you mean about being stubborn - I guess that is what makes it difficult to treat me. I decided I don't like my psych and now I don't want to go back, but it will be ages to get in (if at all) with another psych and then it will be ages, before the new psych will adjust my meds... and the big question is whether I like my new psych... so thinking clearly this morning, I know what I should do, but I know I won't. Funny how I can be my own worst enemy...

Mary, how are you feeling this morning? Are you having any side effects? Do you remember how you felt when your previous ADs worked and before they interfered with your cancer meds?

Take care, Yggy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Thank you for your kind words. I get embarrassed writing about myself on BB and consider I have done too much of it lately. I want to be at rest, to have no more pain and no more fighting. To appear happy and capable. So I will stop complaining here and just get on with life. The meds have made a slight difference already so I hope it will continue. I remember I did not feel this level of pain and certainly not the self pity with the other meds but the side effects were not nice. So I need to work a bit harder, though truth to tell, I'm not at all sure what work I am supposed to do.

If you want to change psychs I suggest you ask your GP for a new referral but while you are waiting to see a new psych, continue to see the current one. Get your medication reviewed and changed if necessary. That way, when you see a new psych your meds will hopefully be working for you and you can concentrate of getting well again. Tell yourself it don't matter if you like or dislike the psych. He/she is there for your convenience so focus on the outcomes you want to achieve rather than the personality of the psych.

Staying with someone with whom you are not comfortable will not help you to get well. Just stick with it while you get a new psych organised.

Being stubborn can be both good and bad. The old saying of cutting off your nose to spite your face applies here. To my regret I have done this far too often. So I am trying to be stubborn for the best reasons and let go when it is obviously harming me. Do go and see your psych and ask your GP about a new one.

I think you and I had a long conversation when you first joined BB. It was some time ago I believe and sadly I cannot remember the topic we discussed. Please look after yourself as much as possible.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Dear Mary,

Great to hear from you and thank you for going a bit more into your story.

I could understand that falling into a heap, despite you taking the AD’s would have been very unexpected.  Just another hurdle in this cycle, and let’s face it, we seem to encounter hurdles a helluva lot in our time.

Like you, I don’t consider myself brave at all … ok, yes, I’ve got tatts, but that’s something different rather than bravery.  Slight digression there … but I think inside us we just beat ourselves up and feel our self esteem is just so low.  When in actual fact, we are still out there doing things, which still requires effort, so perhaps we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves.  Easier, far easier, said than done Neil.

It’s amazing how these shows can take us in and then at times, they’ll really pull on our heartstrings – for me, I think it just brings back the loss of my 3 beautiful family members – all gone, all loved and all missed like crazy.

I don’t think you’re having a moan about life – you’re just playing it as it is … how you see it.  Better to do that I think than to bottle it up.  I like that attitude also for the now taking of meds.  I don’t think they’re a bad thing or any sign of weakness – we absolutely need them, because we’re not made up like other people.  We don’t have that function inside us that can produce the chemicals we need to keep us feeling like others.  It’s important that we do take them – just my humble view on that.  🙂

The thing to think about, ponder on – the pleasure, the excitement, the enthusiasm (perhaps) – where can that come from?

Neil

[blondguy]

Hey Yggy

Paul here. I have read your posts and it made my heart ache. To be in this 'Quicksand' sometimes feel like there is no way out. Neil and Marys' posts are an invaluable (and very kind) help to me with depression and my 'internalizing' as well, so I wont cover what has already been covered so well yggy

You are an incredibly kind thoughtful and caring person yggy. That is very clear to me. I hope you have been feeling even a bit better with that awful place you have been in...Not a pleasant situation for you yggy.

You also have an innate inner strength that I noticed....A fine trait to posses in difficult & sad times yggy

It took a few years for me to 'disable' frequent internalizing...Different coping mechanisms work for some and not for others yggy...here are just some that helped for me..

* Ceasing to cross so many T's and dotting so many i's (truly leaving perfectionism behind)

* Letting Go (Nice1 Mary...it does work)

* Walk slow...Think slow....Talk slow

* Calm and True Acceptance of a 'dark mood' or bad situation and believing it will pass (easily said..but possible)

* Unnecessary Pride, Its a poor substitute for intelligence, Requires too much mental energy to sustain

* Learning the art of keeping things simple

* Where possible I gently avoid negative/critical people/conflict (Being Gentle to Myself)

* The art of gentle occupation (distraction) in difficult periods

* No mobile phones or tablets etc before sleep...Proven to over stimulate thought processes/brain impulses

(These are mainly for my use yggy and probably arent relevant for yourself) There might be something there that helps.

I do hope you can gently find some peace yggy...you deserve to...and thankyou for posting...you have helped everyone here on BB too by doing so.

Your courage and spirit are strong

Kind Thoughts

Paul