Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I thank you for your words and advise. I fully agree with what you are saying about feelings showing in the body. I had some glimpses at it lately and it is disturbing how physical the feelings are. I think it is great that you have gone off the ADs and that you are starting to cope better without them. How long has it been for you now?

At the moment I am ok to take ADs. It took me so long to agree to take them and I felt pretty low by the time I started to take them. But that was before I opened Pandora's box - side note: why would anyone refer to a memory bracelet with an ancient tale of a box of all evil? Look, I am getting surprisingly good at self distraction 🙂 Anyway, the ADs have helped me being able to focus and concentrate better and I guess this is helping me to learn techniques and also be able to distract myself better. Every moment can be a struggle right now and beat me off my track, so I am happy for all the help I can get, to get through this. Once I have addressed some of my past and learnt how to better deal with my mood cycles, I would like to go off ADs again. I have also read somewhere that with trauma you must actually be able to feel the pain to work through it.

Mary, I hope you are ok and please stay in touch, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

listening to "The Devil in The Mirror". I remember now that I listened to it before. Thank you. Sounds like the music to suit some of my moods at the moment. I am finding it good to listen to music, I listened to "Enter Sandman" while I was running yesterday and then to relaxing piano pieces while having a shower. Sometimes I listen to pop hits and sing when I feel in a good mood... I have a weird selection of music... Do you know Judas Priest?

Sub 4min ks - haha, never hit them, and that is ok. My fast running is an average man's slow running, but that is ok. I enjoy running and thought I was doing really well running 500m in 3min. I want to learn to accept my physical limits and not care what people think and not care if people who look unbelievably unfit, outrun me without struggle. I cannot even keep up with a 5 year old - and that is ok. 

I am not into meditation and did not like the approaches I have looked into so far. I kept trying though because I keep hearing it is supposed to help. Have a look at Headspace - that approach finally looked like something I could do. No religious attachment and with the option of just doing 10min - that suits me best at the moment. I guess the way I see it that 10min in the morning cannot hurt - it was the first time yesterday that I had a flashback in a 10min meditation. But I did it again this morning (a different one) and was ok.

The mind/body "thing" is confusing, I confuse myself with that. How is your body behaving this week? What is your plan with your other shoulder? Are you still going to the gym? And how have you been coping with your mental health lately? Do you feel there are certain times that are more difficult - either around a certain date or even the seasons / weather? I feel better when the sun is shining and I feel better when I spend some time outside. Winter is more difficult for me when it is dark all the time.

I hope you are feeling ok. Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I’m assuming that you have your ipod happening when you’re out hitting the pavement?  I reckon it’s so awesome.  For so many years I’d chalk up km after km, with just my head wandering all over the place as I ran – and then one day, I received my first ever running, music thing – a Walkman.  So I’d load up my favourite cassette into it and away I’d go – so it was a bit of weight training combined with running, as the old Walkman wasn’t as tiny as what today’s little gadgets are.

But it’s so good – especially when a really good tune comes on in shuffle mode, and it helps to raise the cadence a bit and give you a little lift.

The key thing you really need to hone in on Yggy, is that YOU are out there and doing it – and yep, absolutely do not care one skerrick what others may think, but I honestly think that anyone who is out there doing some kind of physical activity is a champion.  Doesn’t matter what pace they’re going at – if you’re out there doing something, that’s the key.  And let’s face it – who wants to keep up with a 5yo anyway – their standard of conversation is not really up to scratch, nor is their chats about their fave tv shows – tele-tubbies and bananas in pyjamas are hardly convo standard really.

That’s great that you’re giving that meditation bit a go – and yeah, what harm could 10 mins do. 

Well, I’m also having a dry out period off the drink now too … I’ve decided that when my stomach can open a door before the rest of me arrives, it’s time to give the beer away for a while.  So I’m in the process of chalking up DOG (Days Off Grog) days – the Big Bash final on Sunday night just gawn was my last night, so have chalked up 3 DOG’s so far.  Will go through all of Feb, then might see how things are then.  I do enjoy the beer as it’s one of the few things that I do enjoy – just a shame that it has adverse effects on the a particular body part!

I’ve still got niggles all over the place – neck, shoulders, elbows, foot – but for the most part, I’m working around that and am still hitting the gym 6 days a week, so that’s the main thing.  Continue to work out and work through.

Mental health, I find that I’m incredibly low and sad.

Weather can have a bearing as well – I don’t particularly like cloudy days – you know the heavy cloud days, but no rain happens.  I really love sunshine and I really enjoy a good rain patch as well.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Good morning Neil,

lovely to see you this early today! You always know how to make me smile or giggle in my head - sometimes I rather talk about Tellytubbies than the news. Actually most days. Are the Tubbies still on TV? 

I listened to the Black Veil Brides yesterday and got stuck on Goodbye Agony. Somehow got stuck on that. I feel like I have put my cards on the table. 

Neil, what are we going to do? Two lost souls with their mental health in shambles. I just wish I could make you smile and take away the sadness. What are your plans for the weekend? Could you play the train game with your family? How about a music session with your daughter and you tell me all your favourite songs? I could do the same and then we can listen to all new music - be mindful I have a very very mixed taste in music. And as soon as the sun comes out, even just a tiny little bit, we both go out for a walk or just sit in the grass and listen to music! Now how does that sound? 

So so proud of you for chalking up 3 DOGs!!! That's determination!!! Tell me when you need someone to keep you accountable and get you through, I promise to stick with some DOGs myself if it helps you.

Gotta go to work now. Stay strong!

Big hugs, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,I hope you had a good weekend and the sun was shining for you. Life is always better when the sun is shining.I remember my good old Walkman and being able to listen to music on the go. But isn't it amazing nowadays that you can have the world of music literally at your finger tips on a tiny device. Do you remember recording the charts and swearing at the moderator when he talked in the final seconds of the song? So much fun. Life was so much calmer then.My son came to visit this weekend and I treasure the time with him. Sometimes I just wish he could move back in (and be ten years younger). I had a really busy weekend with cooking and having friends over and it wore me down, but I kept a brave face and actually had a late night - like you it was barely after midnight and I call it a late night.I'm here now in my favourite spot in the garden - with my parrot talking to the other parrots and sitting on my shoulder. It is getting cooler and I am listening to the water. It is so peaceful here. I briefly thought about my busy week ahead. Another big week, full of appointments. I hope that I will have a better week. I sometimes wonder if with all my head is currently dealing with, I get so exhausted. And when I am exhausted I feel terrible. And I hate the mood swings. But for now I can focus on the here and now and let my busy work week be. When I was young we did an exercise in a forest with the guides. We were blindfolded and were guided through a forest from tree to tree, hugging the trees and trying to feel something. Eventually we each settled on a tree we called ours. We were let out of the forest after spending some time at the tree and had the blindfold removed. Then we were encouraged to find our tree. I cannot remember if I managed to find my tree, but I remember the peace I felt when I 'bonded' with my tree. I try to feel this grounding and connection to the world around me now. When I sit at the pond and hear the water and I look at what my husband has built for us, I feel home. And then the clouds roll in. I have listened to Goodbye Agony many more times and I feel like I am putting my cards on the table. I am exhausted and apart from talking in secret to professionals, I have started to let go. I don't care anymore. I think. I am tired of pretending. I think. I have lost the will to fight and pretend. I think. I feel like I am sitting in an empty room on the floor, saying: please help. Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I remember that – sitting at my desk with my radio player with the cassette deck in it and fingers at the ready for the play-record buttons.  Simple times, so much more different now.

That sounds like a beautiful place that you have in the garden & of course with your wonderful parrot.

We didn’t feature with much sun over the weekend.  Big time storms, which our family actually love, watching them come over with the darkening clouds building up, the lightning.  Then watching the trees and suburbs disappear as the rain comes closer.  We live on the side of a hill (in a suburb) and so have a great view.

Exhaustion is a bad thing for us.  Over-doing things too much and when you feel kind of beat, it just allows the black dog an easier passage.  A bit like having your defences down in winter and then you catch some kind of flu bug.  Though I think I’d rather have the flu and get over that, than have this other mongrel illness that we’re stuck with.

As you say, when we’ve got work and we’re busy – that can be an unexpected tonic in itself, as it can consume us so much that it pushes our moods and our depression into the background – even if only for a little while.

What an amazing story about the trees when you were a guide, isn’t it amazing how things like that can stay with us and bring back a whole host of memories.  At least for you, these were the “good time” memories, which is what we really need to reach out for, grasp and don’t ever let go of.

“What’s done is done, and that’s dead and gone” … good lyrics, but yes, what’s done is done, but in our minds it might be dead, but it’s not gone.  Our minds simply won’t let us have peace, but we just have to keep fighting, we have to.  Never stop fighting – and we can sing the line of Goodbye Agony;  goodbye misery.

I care Yggy – and I want you to continue to care as well.  Please.

You think you’ve lost your will to fight and pretend … I say no, you haven’t.  Take the small steps here and breathe in the air, and listen to the water in the pond, listen for the birds and look at the different colours … not only with your parrot, which would be stunning, I would think.  But I did something on the weekend when I was reading a book – and in it, the person was describing something about their life and they noticed all the colours from where they were sitting.  I lost count of the different number of colours I saw.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

the beauty of simple times, of simple pleasures... such a long time ago.

When I left my home town many years ago, my best friend gave me this:

Friendship warms the heart
I will remember you, friend
For in my heart is where you'll stay
no matter where you are...
The days we had together
are too special to forget...
I'll remember you often
and be thankful that we met.

We are still in touch. I miss her. We always knew how to make eachother feel better. We've been through all this together, we were children, we lived through the pain. I am worried to send her down her own slide, if I talk to her and I won't be there to hold her. She was my rock when I was sliding in my youth. She always knew how to get me back on track. Gentle, yet firm.

I love my husband and I love my mum and my kids. I love my best friend. I will never give up, because it is not fair on them.

Neil, what do you do? What is your daily routine? How do you keep going, every single day? What are the things you have learnt to pick up the pieces every single day? How do you get the energy? How do you manage your own black dog? I admire the care and patience you have not only for myself, but I can see what a difference you are making to other people also. I think you are doing such a great job in helping others. Does that help you too?

I am just numb now. Have been for a few days. Sad-angry-numb-happy... Roll on a couple of bright and happy moments. They should be next!

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

What a beautiful passage that your friend gave you … simple words yet so much depth and meaning.  Thank you for sharing it.

Thank you also for sharing your views and thoughts on never giving up.  That is really super important and ventured a little that way with my last post as I thought you indicated something along those lines in one of your previous posts – so I basically was checking in with you.

I work on the 7th floor of a building with loads of people – an office worker.

I am very regimented.  If things alter from that, then it stresses me.  I have my set things in place and with all things going well, I can get through my day reasonably ok.  Just keeping the head down mostly and keeping to myself.

How do I keep going every day?   Because I have to.  Ok, there probably are alternatives, but they would stress me out way more than I am already.  For instance, staying at home and not going to work (which incidentally, I would love), but money needs to come in and work therefore is a must.  That evil word called ‘money’.

I have my son and daughter who mean the absolute world to me, as I would guess that most people’s own children do to them.

That’s a very good question about how I manage my black dog.  I think in a way, I’ve answered a bit of that above, by trying to keep things in my life as simple as possible.  Avoiding conflicts – it might sound boring, but keeping things as the same as I can.  That’s for my every day depression and anxiety.

My PTSD, that’s a whole different beast.  That’s where my mind is dragged down into the depths and is booted and laid into and I’m usually helpless in stopping it.  No-one else – just me.  It’s impossible to stop.  I wish I could, but I can’t.  I just have to live with that.  I don’t know how, I just do.  I feel almost constantly like crying, but tears won’t come.

I really do believe that me being on this site and posting to others does help me.  I’m not very good at things in life and am not clever at all, so this is one of the very few things that I’ve found that I seem to be ok doing – basically the only other things I’m ok at doing are things related to sport and activities.  Apart from that, I’m quite a useless and hopeless human being.  I’ve no idea how I managed to snare a partner and to then father two amazing children.  One of life’s unexplained mysteries.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

 Dear Neil,

you being on this site and being in touch with me, means the world to me. I feel so fragile at the moment, but with you I just feel comfortable. You are a very special person and you have a wonderful way with words and you care. Does it really matter that you may only be able to articulate your thoughts and feelings when you write? For me it is also easier to write things down than to talk - I can get so confused and lost in my thoughts. Please remember what a wonderful person you are and please do not classify yourself as a useless and hopeless human being. You have a wonderful partner? You have two amazing children? You have a job? You do bodybuilding competition? ... There is so much evidence that you are a useful and lovable person! Do you really think your wonderful partner would be with you if you were as bad as you think? Do you think your kids would have turned into great young people who love you, if you were horrible? Do you think your job would be paying you a salary if you were useless? Do you really think that you are not clever - who can write like this and be thoughtful like this if you are not clever? Why do you think that you are not clever? What areas? We cannot be clever in everything. Do you think you would be any good at your competition if you did not have a fighters heart and immense discipline?

Please, please challenge your thoughts! I know it is so difficult and it is so hard to believe ourselves at times, but we have to challenge our thoughts. In my good days I try to write down positive things about myself, about comments from others, or actions from others, about my little daily achievements... all in the belief that one day I will learn to read & believe it when I feel low. I am not able to challenge my thoughts when I feel low yet, but I will keep trying.

Neil, thank you for sharing your daily routine and how you cope with me. Thank you for checking in with me.

Take care my friend x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Thank you for your lovely response, so many wonderful things you wrote. I really do thank you for that.

We were watching a show last night, the last episode of a particular series & I couldn’t make it through the end – it was a funeral scene, the closure of the show.  I completely lost it. I picked up little Tess and went out on the deck, our other dog, Jack (who has the remarkable nature for when someone is upset, he goes right up to their leg and looks up at them, as if he could somehow want to take your pain away).

The others came out & were with me, but I was in deep grief.  Just memories of my lost family – but more so, my brother.  Just stabbing me throughout my body, over and over, the pain I feel inside is just so huge.  I was crying and telling them, this is how I feel day after day after day.  I can’t help it – the pain, the guilt, the hurt, the loss, the sadness, so much wrong, so much negative that has scarred me for life.  Scars don’t heal, for some, the pain from scars go away.  I’ve got other scars where the pain has gone away.

I was a hopeless failure at school … except for sport, but sport is sport and unless you’re at the absolute peak, then it’s just like a hobby.  Ok, yes, I’ve been always good at sports.  But now I’m ageing, I’m not able to do the things I used to … and that gets to me. 

Yes, I’m employed and have been for a long time, but the amount of times that I’ve been promoted, I can list on about 1 finger.  If I was smart, or clever, or intellectual, I would be able to do better at work and in other aspects of life.  I think that’s why I put on my silly mask at times – it kind of disguises my weaknesses.  Having said that I’m guessing there’s some cleverness in being able to hold down a job for so long – or maybe it’s just sheer luck.

I miss my Dad and Mum so much.  It’s almost every day that I wish I could phone them and talk again.

I’m no good at helping my children out with their school work – never have been.  Each day I seem to learn different things about the world, which some of my work-mates are astounded at, in that, I didn’t already know.  Things most people would have learnt way back. 

Being thoughtful is something that is not hard to do – hence why I’m able to do it.  But being bright and clever is something completely different.  I feel that I should be an organ donor for my brain, cause for what’s been used of it, has been very little.