Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Sometimes just lying on the floor looking at the ceiling can be an ok thing to do.  I will sometimes be like that at the gym, after I’ve done a particularly brutal set of reps – usually after hammering quads is a time where I will be so whacked, that I lie on the floor trying to suck in the big ones to get some semblance of consciousness back again.

I know that feeling of being flat and wanting to cry – the tears for me, well up inside and it feels like there’s a massive reservoir of water (tears) to flow, but the tap is on too tight.  When you say you’re teary, are you actually able to find a place to have a cry?  Or is it more like mine, where you want to, but it just doesn’t happen?   I hope it’s the former, because the release of tears can be a beneficial thing.

Are you finding your walks helping – even in a small way? 
Are you getting reasonably regular now with your walks?

Take care my friend,

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil, Dear Mary,

sometimes my tears come through but I have learnt to suppress all feelings. I always had to function. I learnt to pretend I am fine. I remember being evaluated by a child psych once and I remember lying to him. I cannot remember how old I was or what he asked, I just remember I lied. I cannot remember why I had to go in the first place. I feel so angry as there were so many signs and I feel like no one cared. I am scared that it will happen again, someone will rip open wounds and then let me pick up the pieces, all on my own. I have been hurt too often. When I feel like crying and suppress it, I have pressure on my forehead and get bad headaches. I don't want to start crying because it is so difficult to stop and I feel exhausted after crying, almost like having a bad hangover - for days! 

I have been walking almost every day. It does make me feel better for a short time most days. I walk outside and listen to the birds and stop and look at things. A very relaxing kind of walk. I also sit down every morning for a 10min meditation. I do not want to say that I meditate, as my thoughts are all over the place, but I do feel better having this little routine for myself in the morning.

Mary, thank you so much for your insights! Up until last week nobody ever told me to stop analysing the past and learn how to feel good in the present, and then, and only then, venture in the past with a professional who makes you feel safe. All I kept thinking was how messed up I am and why I cannot just act normal. I did not even think that my abuse in childhood could be a trigger. My GP asked me how I could think this - I guess I always just thought that the things that happened in my teens and young adulthood were the forming factors in my life, I never even thought that the sketchy memories I have from my childhood would count. I always considered myself to have had a happy childhood (with a few hick ups). I was only young and did not really know what was going on - how could that have an impact on my life? Writing this I can feel that it is naive or ignorant from myself to think that way - but I had never questioned it. I was angry with myself when I got angry or upset because I felt I should not let the past run my present - I should be stronger than that and more intelligent... I don't think I ever felt good enough. 

I think I needed all this time to figure this out. I don't think there are shortcuts in life. 

Thank you both and big hugs, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Thanx again for your latest response – and I’m sorry to hear that for you crying isn’t as such a release of emotion and tension as I find it.  Though when you do have a full blown bout of crying, yes it can leave you feeling very deflated – so that’s perhaps what you were alluding to there.

That is great to hear about your walking and the routine that you’ve set up for yourself.  Little helpful goals.  That’s good.

Yggy, do you feel that with these sessions of counselling and/or with your GP that there is progress being made?  Like say, compared with how you were, oh 6 months ago?  Do you feel that there’s advancements – or do you feel that with all of this, it’s making for you to becoming a bit more fragile than what you were?    I’m asking because when I say “what you were” was perhaps when these issues were deeply buried – though I’m only guessing that – as in, I really don’t know if they in fact were deeply buried, or whether you had them in close proximity the whole time?

I just am concerned for you and that it seems as though things are really in a very delicate mode for you at this moment.

I would like to say though that in all the communication we’ve had over the recent times, you are a very genuine, caring, warm and friendly person, someone who has seen and experienced a lot in life – a lot that perhaps a fair number of us will never do (ie:  with your work and how you travel etc).  Not failing to mention your work and what you do for that – and that’s me just touching the edge of you.  What I’m getting at here Yggy, is that you ARE worthy, you ARE good enough, you are definitely a very intelligent lady.  What is happening in your mind to doubt yourself about all of that are the demons that are regularly beating you up.

So I’m more than happy to keep on telling you who you really are – and I’ll do my best to help put those demons and their evil spells on the back burner for you.

Keep on writing, keep on coming here and keep on being you.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I am feeling a little better today. My head is hurting, but I slept a little better. Good question about my progress. I think my lows have been getting progressively worse. My capacity to think and my short term memory are getting worse. I think my overall health has stayed constant or improved and when I have good days I feel more connected and engaged than before. I have actually caught glimpses of myself at times which is a lovely feeling as one of my issues is how disconnected I feel from the here and now. I have started to enjoy work more again and I am making progress in tackling tasks at work and at home. I cut everything into really small chunks and celebrate when a little task is done. I am learning. Then I have phases where I don't remember who I am and everything just spins and I sit there and work hard not to cry. I think I know who I am but those past feelings take control. I think it is getting worse because I remember more. It is difficult. I have not talked to anyone about the hate and all the other feelings. I feel like my life is based on a lie, on a nice little fairy story I told myself. I still think I had a nice childhood, and I have shared a few memories with you, but then the dark clouds roll in. 

I should not be thinking of this and how confused and disoriented it makes me. I have a great husband who supports me. I don't talk to him but he gets me out of my shell and hugs me when I need to feel close. I am planning nice things every day and I also accept that at the moment eating chocolate and in general eating - is ok if it makes me feel better. I do my meditation and I do my little walks. I play with my parrot and pick strawberries. I sit at my favourite place and watch the fish. 

The CBT course I am doing has helped me make lists and find a little routine of planning my day. I am working on it. And I will continue to get up every morning and go to work although I have wondered if I could work shorter hours as it does drain me. I felt much better over xmas when I had a nap & walk at lunch. 

Enough about me. Please tell me how your week was and how your training is going! What are your plans for the weekend / or how was your weekend, if you only read this on Monday. What are you doing on Australia Day?

Take care Neil. Big hugs, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear All,

after a day of complete rest, reading CBT course material and the work I have done, I feel better this morning. Another restless night, but I made progress. Last night was the first time that I could actually apply a technique I learnt in meditation that is to try and figure out, where I could feel my anger in my body. I focussed on the feeling and it eventually desolved. I have to say only for a moment, as I had another different memory emerge straight after, but it was a little victory, actually a big victory.

I am sorry that I have not been able lately to ask how you are. Sometimes I get stuck in my own head. I am so grateful that you are here for me and it helps me to share how I feel and see your responses.

Dear Shelley, how are you? Thank you for your hugs, it is so nice to know you are there. I hope you are ok and I send you a big hug too!

Dear Mary, how have you been lately? I hope you are feeling better. I do not spend much time on other threads, so I am sorry if I have not caught up with you lately.

Dear Neil, how is weekend and how is little Tess? I have not heard about her for a while and I hope she is ok.

I hope you all have a nice Sunday, take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

You know you wrote something in your latest post that I thought was absolutely awesome.  It went something like this:  “… and it helps me to share how I feel and see your responses”.  That was fantastic to read and it was delivered to all who’ve written to you, but the big thing I pulled from that is that you are feeling that this, this being on Beyond Blue is helping you, in being able to unload and write about different issues.  I can’t tell you how pleased I was to read that.  🙂

Also with your technique you learnt where you able to desolve some anger that was within you and you are damn right in saying that it was a big victory – abso-bloody-lootely it was a big victory and Yggy, thanx so much for sharing that.  That’s something to really to work on – that particular technique, to hone it so you may be able to call upon it again and again in the future – I sure hope that will be the case for you.

You also wrote about how you’re being able to enjoy work and also with things at home – and you’re creating those little goals all the time, which is brilliant.  Ok, then you wrote how after a bit of good times, you then feel things crash down around you again – please try not to be discouraged by that.  That’s bound to happen as it happens to all of us – we have some good times, etc and we think, whoa, am I turning the corner here and is that a light I see at the end of the tunnel.  Yes it is, but we’re still in a mountainous area and so we unfortunately have another tunnel that we have to encounter.  Please enjoy the good times but also know, that there will be crashes and that is “OK” for them to happen.  Because as you continue to travel forward, you’ll get more and more of the good times – the experiences “out of the tunnel” will last longer.

Again Yggy, I’m reading a lot of positives out of your latest two posts – keep writing, keep the positive efforts happening and you know what, I’m damn proud of you.

My weekend was good – though for some reason, my “other” shoulder is now giving me a lot of grief – so much so, that there was no gym session on Sunday.  I don’t know why my body is doing this to me – just when I thought we had a good little thing going, it’s deciding to not be nice to me anymore.  It’s sad and very frustrating.

Tess is going along like a little champion – just so gorgeous and very cute.  I think it’s high time I updated my little photo.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

Happy Australia Day!

 A new picture from Tess would be great. I bet she is a lot more fluffy now, with her hair grown back for a while. Great to know that she is doing well.

I am sorry to hear that your other shoulder is now playing up. How bad is it? Will you be able to go to the gym? I can understand your frustration about "your body doing this to you". It amazes me to know that I am not the only one who separates body and mind. I feel this is so weird, as we are supposedly one and our mind tells us that our body misbehaves or is not nice to us. When do you think you started separating your body and mind? I think we get conditioned in that way. Now they are putting (or for a while) ads on the TV for baby painkillers. Surely it should be the doctors recommendation when to use medication on babies and not just the pop-a-pill-feel-better attitude our society has nowadays. I hate taking medication although I have to take them every day now. And I accept that at this moment in time, I will have to live with meds. I am confused about my bodies signals and my mind is confused, so I have accepted that I need the chemicals at the moment to help me get better. But I would just love to be in tune with my own body and mind again. I think we are naturally clever like this and can heal and help ourselves. I also think you have the right to be sad. It is sad when we are not able to move and do what we could previously and when we cannot achieve our goals. I am still going through that process of accepting my limited capabilities and understanding that I can never be as fit as some others in my age group. I guess I have to be happy with the imense possibilities I do have and let go of the competitive thinking. Not sure if this makes any sense to you.

You and other people on beyondblue make a big difference in my journey. I appreciate all your support and I also appreciate that I have found some friends in this community, even if we only meet online. I feel like people can understand me here, there is so much great advise from sharing views & experiences and I also feel that there is no judgement. Thank you so much for saying that you are proud of me 🙂

I feel like all my anger, fear, sadness, hate and hurt have to eventually come to the surface and that only then I will feel not as confused and disoriented. I am starting to accept that I should not do this on my own and that for now I have to learn to focus on the present.

Neil, I am sending you a big hug, Yggy

[White_Rose]

Yggy

A great piece of advice given by my psych is to listen to your body. Took me ages to work out what he meant and even longer to do it. We know when life upsets us and we get tense etc that we tend to have aches and pains in all sorts of places. Shoulders, neck and back are big favourites. So pain killers may relieve the symptoms but not the cause.

But the other or main part of listening to your body is to understand where and how your feelings manifest themselves inside. When I wonder what to do, which course of action to take, I find my body will tell me if I take the time to listen. We sometimes have an instinct not to trust someone for example, or the reverse. The body does know these matters and will give us the best advice. I would be surprised if you have not experienced this at one time or another.

Listening to yourself really can help to avoid disastrous mistakes. Often it is my stubbornness that gets me into trouble because I want to do something instead listening to my inner, and much wiser, voice telling me to stop.

I think it is the same with medication in many instances. If we are properly informed about the action of meds we can make better choices. I know I am thinking far more clearly now I no longer take ADs. And I know there are times when I want to start taking them again because will make me feel better. Then my body asks the question, why can't you manage the downside and be more the person you really are. The bad times will go away if I keep trying. I feel the real me will go away if it is constantly hidden under pills and I want to get to know the real me that has been squashed and hidden for so long. If this is a mistake I will hide behind pills again but I hope not.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Meditation is supposed to help. So I did my meditation this morning and it was about acceptance - or questioning what I am resisting. First memory that pops up... Leaves me sitting there for over an hour trying to figure out what to do and how to get back in the present. Just ran my heart out now and feeling buggered now - seems like a very relaxing way to start the day...

What did I learn? Choose a different meditation - no I won't stop! And I can still run like a maniac when I'm angry...

Hope the start of your day was a little more relaxing.

Neil, what was that band called that you and your daughter like?

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I’m not into meditation at all – have tried it, but it just wasn’t for me – but for those that it works for, that is damn awesome.

The running aspect sounds brilliant Yggy, just remember though if you’re starting out on this, to not belt out too many sub-4min km’s just yet – get the body acclimatised to the whole run thing first.  Still, that’s an excellent thing you’ve started.

The way of the world, with medications, but not only that, but technology etc is just going from one level, to the next so fast – it’s hard to keep up.  I mean, just with panadol, there’s about 4 or 5 different brands, but why would you pick any others when there’s one that says something like:  “Fast release pain relief panadol”.  Oh no thanx, I’ve got a splitting headache, but I’ll take the normal brand that probably won’t fix me up for about an hour – I “could” be fixed in about 5 or so minutes, but nah, give me the normal one -  yeah right!

That’s really awesome to hear Mary that you’re not on any AD’s – has that been for a long while now – do you feel a lot better for not taking them?

Yggy, that kind of was interesting about the mind/body thing – I think I just mentioned it cause it was my mind “knowing” that parts of me are injured, due to the pain signals, etc and I wrote about that – but as far as that goes, yes, I think I have that kind of orientation with the mind/body aspect.  Gee, I hope that made some semblance of sense.

Ps:  the name of the band is Black Veil Brides – I’m really enjoying their music, and the name of the song that has a lot of it tattooed on me is “The Devil In The Mirror”.

Cheers

Neil