Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

We’re back to Monday, the start of a new week – and so the cycle continues on rolling along.

Are you able to find any outlet for your angry emotions?  Perhaps something physical, like going for a walk or perhaps some stretching, just something different, as a suggestion there I guess.  I find that yes, I need to have some kind of outlet for when my anger gets too much, otherwise, there’s the very real chance of it boiling over.  I’m even sensing that you may even be at a boiling point.  I wish there was something that I could do or say that could help, even in a small way.

Do you feel that being back at work gives you a little respite in the thinking aspect – so your brain/mind is occupied and that pushes the emotions to the back for a short while?

Yes, we had a good trip and a very good catch up with my bro, his wife and their two sons – who are in their early 30’s.  A really lovely and loving family unit – I’ve told him and his wife many times how proud they should be for the family that they’ve created.  I must admit, I was a bit fuzzy on Sunday morning, as there were plenty of beers had on Saturday/night and I had the latest night that I’ve had for as long as I can remember – get ready for this – I was up till just after midnight.  That’s massive for me.

But doing that kind of thing, wow, it really eats into your weekend and it’s over so very quickly.  A major out of routine thing, but hey, once in a while is ok, I guess.

Please forgive me for asking, as I honestly don’t remember, but with regard to your meds – are you venturing onto new ones or are these ones you’ve been on for a while.  I ask this, as you mentioned how you hope your GP can work with you on this.  It could very well be that they just need some time to take effect, if they are new ones – or alternatively, they may not be the right kind for you, as there are so many options out there available.  Just a thought.

Love to hear from you again, as always.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I am so glad you had a nice weekend with your brother & family. I can fully understand your comment about midnight. I am normally asleep before 10, usually earlier. Are you nephews still at home with your brother? I love families that are happy together. Sounds like you had a great night, and I am sure it was worth to interrupt your routine. My son is coming soon and I am so much looking forward to see him.

How are your shoulders and your foot? Hope you are fully back into training (well slowly).

Neil, you are doing lots by communicating with me, thank you! I do not feel like talking much at the moment, but I am looking forward to read your lines and reflect on what you are saying - even if it does not seem like I do. I am trying to keep my emotions at bay. Thankfully at the moment they are all directed at people in the past, that are easily avoided - although I might hurt the odd person in the process. I feel very physical when I get angry. I used to be known for my wild temper and outbursts. I have learnt to camouflage them for many many years. I did some weights in the gym this morning and want to go for a sprint session tomorrow. I feel good when I exert myself (my body does not...). One of the helplines the other day, suggested I should pump some weights and then have a nice warm shower before going to bed. I cannot meditate, when I want to smash something.

Work is giving me a lovely short break from my memories and I am trying to figure out a way to keep occupied outside work. Playing silly games on my phone at home, anything easy or physical that can keep me in the moment. Cooking works too. I cannot concentrate on reading books, listening or watching TV. My chort term memory and my attention span has suffered the most.

The psych adjusted the meds well before xmas and I should be through the adaptation phase. To be honest, I just think that something has surfaced that I cannot comprehend and I do not know how to deal with it - YET! I am glad that I have been on this journey a while, as I do have some knowledge on how to react or even who to contact. I cannot explain the feelings that come over me, how I lose control and how desperate I get. It is so difficult to get myself out of this and remember that I am here now, and that I am safe. I feel so betrayed. I dream so much lately that I do not want to sleep - but I do want to sleep as the next day is even worse...

I am feeling a little better today, hope this is a first step. Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Yes, the catch up was a really nice one.  Both his sons have moved out – his eldest is married with two young boys of his own.  So we took back one of our recent games (Code Names) and there was 8 of us playing that, it was quite a bit of fun.

That’ll be awesome to have your son meet up with you again soon … will he be staying for long?

Shoulder is still a little niggly, but nothing major and so I’m back to gym and blasting some really excellent sessions.  My foot is still slowly healing and I’m doing all things necessary to keep that happening – so no calf raises for the time being, but am pumping out some good quad sessions also (which was yesterday).

Hey, getting to the gym was a brilliant thing – I hope it went well – I think one thing to keep in mind though is with how your mind is at the moment, that when you get there, you’ll want to go hell for leather.  But hopefully you can taper it back a bit so you don’t exert too much and cause yourself an injury.  I know what that’s like to be wanting to go go go, but the body simply needs time to adjust.  I am at fault with this with my running conquests – I just want to get out there and run, but the body tells me not to do too much too soon.  All in moderation.

Thank you Yggy for giving me your latest rundown – and you finished off with saying that you hope that this is the first step.  I believe you’re way beyond your first step.  Just reading through all that you’ve posted, all that you’ve done, all that you’ve set into place – you’re way beyond the first step.  This is all brilliant signs for moving down the path to positivity – the road to reconciliation – reconciliation with your own mind, your own thoughts.

I love reading where you’re up too with everything and I do hope that in some small way, it helps you as well.  Likewise in some small way, I hope that our chats back and forth are helping as well.  I sure hope so.  (there’s a lot of hopes in that little paragraph!).

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

sounds like I have to try the Code Names game. Is that the reason you had a late night? I do miss playing games with friends. Your family sounds fun, I am so glad you had a good weekend with them. My son is only coming for a few days, but we are trying to see each other more often now. We were fighting a bit before he moved away but now we are getting closer again. I think I might talk to him about what is going on with me, as I think it had an impact on our relationship some years back. I also think I need to talk more to my husband. He is very supportive, but he does not know about the work I am doing to feel better, so I think he is getting a bit frustrated. How does your family cope?

Great to hear that you are getting some progress in the gym. What did you do to your foot? I cannot imagine working on your quads without your feet - but then I hardly ever use machines, so I don't really know how you train your quads in a machine. Do you train with machines?

I am trying my best to not injure myself. I actually put quite significant restraints on myself, like training max 30min on weights, swimming very small distances... and doing only a little each day. I give up mentally when my body gives up and I have been through that cycle too many times now. Exercising is part of my master plan for mental health, not to get skinny, muscular or run faster times. Perhaps in a distant future, but at the moment I choose to focus on my mental health and I do not have energy to set too many goals. I just want to be active every day with activities I enjoy. I do have a goal, but to finish, not to compete.

Thank you for being beside me on this journey, and I do realise that I am way past the first step. I guess I needed to build a foundation in order to be able to cope with what has surfaced lately. I am seeing the GP this morning and need to discuss what we are doing now. I feel a bit silly (as usual) that I have made many split second decision and feel like I am just untreatable and that I should not go back, but I don't really have a choice. I cannot imagine not getting support and also getting off the meds some day scares me, let alone being on my own to do it, so I guess I have not much choice. I have talked about feeling like this before to my GP and he was reassuring. I always feel like I should be feeling good now and not still whinge as much... and not stop seeing psychs if I don't like them.

Neil, I send you a big hug and hope you have a great day, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I’m reading lots more positives from you again – with relation to your family in the first instance.  Some really good signs with what you’re planning with your son and also an approach to talk more with hubby.  What I noticed on the weekend was that my bro and his wife are very talky kind of people and so they seemed to easily converse with each other.  I was thinking about that on the drive back home on Sunday – and myself and my partner, we don’t really talk much at all.  I guess you can’t have disagreements if you don’t talk much!  😉

You asked how my family copes – I think for the most part, the coping part just happens, but maybe I’ve got my head stuck in the sand there.  I do pick up tension at home quite a bit (not from the kids) and I can’t help but feel that I’m the trigger for it – but when I broach the subject, there’s never any thing to be concerned about.  But my sixth sense tells me there is.  Oh well, what will be will be I guess.

For my foot, I can do leg press (machine) and leg extensions (machine) and hack squats (machine);  and then with free weights, squats are fine as well.  My problem with the ball of my foot occurred when I was constantly walking on my toes, to try and build up my calves – but for some weird reason, the ball of my right foot didn’t like this idea too much and so decided to get injured!

Yggy, that’s a great attitude to your exercise plan you’ve got mapped out.  Just nice and easy, little bits at a time – being active each day and no main key points for competing, but just to finish each session.  That’s awesome.  I really hope you’re able to continue on with this.

I do have to ask, where you said about at some stage the possibility of getting of meds scares you (yep, I can understand that) and then you went on to say, “… let alone being on my own to do it …”;  that’s the part where I’m a bit confused.  But you won’t be on your own will you?  Hubby will still be around, yeah?  Or did I mis-read that?

Whinging is fine – nothing wrong with that.  I think that’s why I do that on here – cause I can’t very well do it in real life, otherwise, what would the fans out there think of me?

Neil

[Guest_1055]

Hey yggy

I know you are struggling just now in your life. So I am sending out some love to you.

Hugs 

Shelley xx

[Guest_2350]

Thanks Shelley, big hugs back!

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

yesterday was difficult. It took me all my will power to go to the GP. I was exhausted afterwards. I find it so difficult to explain to someone how I feel, often I don't know.

I will try to go for a walk now and I will try to go to work. I am still flat, teary and just want to lie on the floor and look at the ceiling, but I know that does not make it any better.

I hope you are ok and I will write more again soon. Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I went for a little walk, had some brekkie and am half way to work. I just remembered what a counsellor said to me last week. I have the right to be upset, it was a crime that was committed against me. Perhaps I should embrace that thought instead of beating myself up every day, wondering what I am doing wrong to feel this way? Instead of telling myself it is my own fault for feeling bad as I only walked 10min, accept that I am allowed to feel bad and that 10min probably made me feel better than not walking out of the house at all? All these inner battles I am fighting each day just make me tired. They all say, be kind to yourself and I go out and eat an ice cream and then feel bad about it. I don't think I am getting the whole concept yet, but I am learning. How can you be kind to yourself and on the other hand they ask you to be firm and do things you would like to avoid, like going for a walk? Very confusing - I think I better go to work and do something I understand. 

Have a nice day, Yggy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

I am so sorry you are still in this horrible place. I have just read your original post again, about your confusion with relationships and uncertainty in managing them. I wonder if you are playing my favourite game, thinking too much about the past and how it affects you. Every time I do this I get angry and upset. And this sets me off on a journey that can not have a good ending because it has already happened.

It is the one of the most difficult things I have ever tried, putting the past behind me. What I am now learning to do is look at how I react to situations and stop the overwhelming emotions I feel. The past has had a huge effect and sometimes it is necessary to revisit these times to look at the hows and whys. But just revisiting for no particular reason is counter productive. Looking back in the company and with the support of a psych can be hugely helpful and help you to move on. At least this what I am very slowly finding. The trick really is to do it with proper support and supervision.

I think this is what is meant by being kind to yourself. Don't go to those places that hurt unless someone is there to hold your hand and guide you through the storm. Stop blaming yourself for those things that cannot possibly be your fault. Yes I know, easier said than done.

I so much relate to your ice cream. But you know we are allowed to fall down a little. When I was trying to lose weight the dietitian said he was not prepared to stop eating cheese and drinking red wine. He compensated in other areas but he still did not manage well at times. So he forgave himself and moved on. I am trying to do this. I don't practice the strategies I am supposed to every day and I feel bad. I know I should walk but dislike it so I do other things. Be kind to yourself by doing the things you can accomplish and will do, then gradually add in a bit of something more difficult. Work on one small bit at a time and move on one bit at a time.

Be kind to yourself by saying, as you have above, that it's OK to be upset, it's OK to be angry. Cry if you want to, punch a cushion, accept you have been hurt, it's not your fault, and do what it takes to feel better. But when you are not up to walking, then stay at home.

Yggy, I want to help you and give you ideas that will be useful and helpful, so please excuse me when I get a bit carried away. Love yourself.

Mary