no one else

[tooniceguy]

Long story really short, When I was 21 my best friend murdered his parents. He told me about it afterwards. I made a statement to the police.....and it took 3 years but he was eventually charged and tried......then 3 years later there was another retrial. And then finally 3 years after that his accomplice was tried. I had to testify in all 3 cases.......I couldn't talk to anyone about it and still can't..... It cost me 10 years of my life and then a whole lot more. I feel so isolated anyone, I've ever tried to talk about it too just looks at me like I'm crazy.

I just don"t know how to move on.....i cant trust anyone,i cant get close to anyone. And absolutely no one gets it. End rant

[geoff]

I hear you and will get back to you, I just wanted to send this off to right now. Geoff.

[tooniceguy]

Thank you.

[geoff]

hello, to have to go through all of this and testify at 3 cases would have been horrifying for you to know that your best friend had gone through with this, aided by someone else, and every splitting moment must have felt like being in hell, to question why he would have done this, maybe he has told you bits but maybe not because of jeopardising himself even further, either way it's something you wished had never happened.
I'm not sure of any circunstances and partically don't want to, because what you have said is enough, but now you don't have your best friend, and it just seems to be impossible he could do this, but then there maybe reasons which he hadn't told you, but I'm certainly not going to prolificate here, that would be far too painful for you.
I am just so sorry for you, words can not say enough here.
To try and wrestle with yourself and try and figure out this has happened is to still going through your mind, even after 10 years, but no that's not enough, it has destroyed you in many other ways, and people you try to talk with tell you 'that's no good but move on', I hate those last three words when it was said to me, because what it means it that they are not interested in knowing nor are they interested in listening to what you may want to say, in other words they just want it pushed under the carpet, but it's not going to go away,and as soon as something similar is said on TV then suddenly it takes you back to the court cases.
You have an enormous amount of trauma that is lingering on and taken away a large proportion of your life, truly how deeply sorry I feel for you.
I just want to make contact with you, to let you know that I am listening to you,so please I would really like to hear back from you and please remember this site is trustworthy. Your Friend Geoff.

[Guest_9809]

Hi TooNiceGuy. Well done to you for posting here on BB Forums. That must have been difficult for you? I know it was for me when I first came on here some 6 months ago. Brief background on me - I suffer from PTSD, with ongoing extreme anxiety and periodic depression, and all the usual symptoms that come with the disorder.

What a horrific experience for a young man to have to go through, and a long drawn out legal process afterwards. I cannot even imagine all the mixed emotions and thoughts that would have been running through your head and heart during that time.

Nice Guy, you did not say whether you have spoken of any of this to your GP, a counsellor or a psych. Have you? If not I have no doubt that you would benefit by requesting a referral to a psychologist from your GP. There are many different therapies which can help you to overcome many of those feelings you are still plagued with, such as loss of trust, isolation and a sense of loss (your best friend). Even an opportunity to speak freely to a counsellor or therapist, to have someone willing to listen, would be of benefit to you. Because right now, you have nobody around you who is willing to listen. There are a number of trauma-related therapies which would assist you to accept whats gone and to move on with your life. If you havent already done so, I hope you will give serious consideration to seeking the help you need.

I think you will also find that interacting here on the Forums can be therapeutic for you, because it is a release. We get feedback from others who know what we are going through. It is a safe and anonymous place in which we can express the way we truly feel and not be judged or written off.

So ... welcome TooNiceGuy. Its a privilege to have you join us, and I hope you will stick around. I'm sure you have much to give, as well as to receive, from the shared experience of an on-line forum.

I hope to see you around. Have a browse through the forums and feel free to join in on other threads where you feel comfortable and able to offer something. (-:

Taurus xx

[tooniceguy]

Taurus4826.....thank you for your reply...I've never talked to anyone professionally before. During the court process I couldn't talk to anyone. I felt like I couldn't anyway at risk of jeapordising the court case......and now its been 12 years.......I don't even no where to start. Neither of my gp's speak great English. And its hard enough to explain myself at the best of times. I will definitely look into some sort of therapy though,my brains fried,some days things make sense other days not.

[tooniceguy]

Thanks Geoff for the ear....you hit a few nails on the head......there aren't many days I don't think about it and occasionally when I do....something always triggers me. I don't watch much TV for that reason.....I feel like my life's been a movie. And its not entertaining. And then every now and again I'll have a good memory from when I was a Kidd with my mate and then I feel guilty........ Afterall I should hate him right.

[Croix]

Dear Tooniceguy~

I guess you could not have made better contacts than Geoff and Taurus. There's all sorts of experience here (most of us are still living it:( This means understanding will come, in fact it has already started.

I found I had to give this place time before the magic started to work in me.

The reason I stopped by is just because of your words Afterall I should hate him right

Why on earth do you think you should feel something? The world is not divided up into neat boxes, and friendship or fond memories can still exist, there is no rule book. Most people, no matter what they have done, have something of value inside them.

Those 10 years will have been a true horror at times, and have left you in a whole strange world where you struggle. Left you with strong emotions and no explanations, memories that will not go away, feelings about yourself that need to go.

The fact you had to uproot and move is an extra tragedy - is there anyone left for you?

I"d like to suggest you take Taurus' advice and seek medical help. I have PTSD, depression and anxiety. (I was a policeman) There is no way I could get better by myself.

I know you talked about the limited English of your doctors. Your recovery is the most important thing there is. Please try to find a GP you can relate to. You could do what I did, and write things down first, then share the paper.

There's no hurry, perhaps something to aim for.

You mentioned sleep. One thing to try - helps me with unwanted feelings too - is a free app called Smiling Mind for your smartphone . You have to practice it, but I have found it gets me away from the thoughts and feelings.

I hope you come back often, it does not matter what you say when you post, there's care here and it will sort out

Croix

[tooniceguy]

Hi croix, thanx for your reply.

i did reply yesterday,but it seems my account was temporarily on hold.

if my reply doesn't appear shortly. i will repost.

[tooniceguy]

Hi Croix, Thanks for listening.

Your post,and all the posts on here have been resonating with me for a few day's now.

I keep getting stuck on something you wrote.

"Most people, no matter what they have done, have something of value inside them."
I read that and you use the word "most".
There is no worse a thing he could have done. so isn't the exception left for people like him?

I hate what he did!! But i don't hate him,i don't hate anyone.

I feel that's what let's me down. If i truly hated him then i might feel like i won....Something....Somehow. Instead i just feel like i lost.

I can still vividly remember sitting in the car park of the police station,the
very first time, before making my very first statement. I'd like to say it was an easy choice, but Walking into that building was the hardest thing i've ever done. That was the day i
had to break my own code. I once believed real friends are the ones that
stick up for you, even when your wrong. Thats what friendship meant to
me. That was the friend i strived to be, But he crossed a line that previously i hadn't even contimplated could exist.

I did the right thing! I Know i did the right thing. and i'd do it again.
But doing the right thing should never had come at such a high price.

I've been on my own for a long time now. Been alone is both a blessing and a curse.