no one else

[tooniceguy]

Long story really short, When I was 21 my best friend murdered his parents. He told me about it afterwards. I made a statement to the police.....and it took 3 years but he was eventually charged and tried......then 3 years later there was another retrial. And then finally 3 years after that his accomplice was tried. I had to testify in all 3 cases.......I couldn't talk to anyone about it and still can't..... It cost me 10 years of my life and then a whole lot more. I feel so isolated anyone, I've ever tried to talk about it too just looks at me like I'm crazy.

I just don"t know how to move on.....i cant trust anyone,i cant get close to anyone. And absolutely no one gets it. End rant

[Croix]

Dear TooNiceGuy~

Nobody wins in this situation, no use looking for a win. You have lost, everybody involved has lost, plus you are grieving and doubting.

You are picking on the wrong thing with the word 'most'. There are some who have, in my eyes, no redeeming virtue, as far as I'm concerned they are not even human. Yes I know, a pretty strong statement.

It has nothing really to do with killing somebody else. I've only ever met 2 murderers to talk to, and they may have done wrong, but I'm completely convinced they were were human beings with virtues. So no, it does not mean your friend is a monster. In fact for him to have been your best friend there must have been at least something worth having in him.

As for there is no worse thing he could have done, I completely disagree, though I'm not going to go into details here.

I have no idea what the circumstances were but I do know you said I hate what he did!! But i don't hate him. What's wrong with that? A normal reaction by a decent person. I don't think true friendship just up and vanishes.

Friendship means lots of things - in this case not hiding the truth, but maybe not hating either.

As you said you did the right thing. As for the price, unfortunately in life we - the innocent - sometimes pay very high prices indeed.

I'd like to repeat what I and Taurus have said, you really need outside help. Please think of using a GP and take it from there.

You are not entirely alone you know, people here care, sympathize and have a degree of understanding.

I know all this is no magic cure, but please keep talking

Croix

​

[tooniceguy]

Croix.....your words mean more than to me than you can realize.

I'm preparing myelf to go to the doc's....this weekend....if i can force myself.

I'm at the point where i have to talk to someone.

Some day's i just don't know if i'm thinking rationally anymore.

Theres a fuzzy line between things i should be worried about and all the hypotheticals that run through my head on an almost daily basis.

i'm exhausted from worrying about.....well everything.

i used to think in time id be able to move on......but i just feel trapped in myself all the time.

The thought of someone telling me i'm crazy........scares the hell out of me.

[Guest_9809]

Fantastic news TooNiceGuy. I really hope that you can force yourself to get to the Drs on the weekend.

I am sure it will be worthwhile, even though its obviously a difficult thing to do.

Worrying about everything is exhausting, I totally agree. Someone said to me once "Is there anything you dont worry about?". And when I thought about it, I had to agree that ... no, there isnt. I worry about literally everything. And I probably dont really have anything legitimate to worry about, unlike yourself. It really does take a toll on you NiceGuy.

I am very confident that nobody will be telling you that your crazy. You have not shown any signs of being crazy that I have seen. Tormented perhaps? But definitely not crazy. The way you are feeling is understandable when all is considered. But there are ways to help you through this NiceGuy, and the time to seek that assistance is well overdue.

Please take that first step and go see your Dr. The rest is easier, because the first step is always the hardest. We certainly know you dont lack courage or conviction. Please keep us updated on how you get along.

With you in spirit.

Kindest wishes.

Taurus x

[Croix]

Dear TooNiceGuy~

Taurus has given you heartfelt and spot-on advice, she has the experience and wisdom to see you clearly, as do I. She talks of steps - she's right.

I'm glad you are talking about visiting a doctor. may I suggest you write down what you can (don't stress over dong it) about the circumstances and what you have been feeling now? I had to do this - and share the paper - in order to make a clear account in the consultation.

Nobody is going to call you crazy, instead they are going to see someone exhausted, at the end of there tether, put there by cruel fate.

Of course there is a fuzzy line, in your situation how could there not be? As for thinking rationally, well you do, but your thoughts are colored by long-standing fatigue, depression guilt and grief.

Try to distract yourself and get some rest - try downloading Smiling Mind for your phone - I find it a real help (with practice)

Please talk again

Croix

[tooniceguy]

1st step tick.....i don't feel good about it at all. I feel physically sick. tbh

[Guest_9809]

Hey well done TooNiceGuy. We all know that what you achieved today, is extremely difficult. Feeling physically sick, yep ... that comes with the territory. But I am really proud of you, and you should be too.

You didnt say how it actually went today. Presumably today was to see your GP. Have they given you a referral to see a psych? Set up a Mental Health Care Plan?

I expect you will be feeling pretty triggered right now, with anxiety at a much heightened level. Try to do something which will keep your mind active and off things that upset you. Sport is good, and there are several footy matches on TV tonight. Do you follow AFL, NRL, Soccer, Rugby, basketball? Which teams do you support? Otherwise maybe a movie? Its almost 8.30pm and there are usually some decent movies on a Sat night. A comedy would be good if possible.

I hope things settle for you and that tomorrow is a better day. Dont forget that you can post anytime, and usually receive support fairly quickly. There are people here who care and understand.

Kind thoughts.

Taurus xx

[tooniceguy]

Thankyou Taurus.

Yep gp today, new gp,the appointment itself went well i guess, ,i dont know,i have a referral for a psychologist, ist apointment is on the 23rd may. I had blood taken so they can do some tests to see if theres anything physically to explain some of my problems i talked about.

I've tried to be invisible for such a long time,putting myself out there is just making me feel really unconfortable.

I thought id feel some kind of relief.....but it's almost more like dissapointment that i've let myself down.

​I've got a splitting headache, so i just took something for it, i'm going to lay in bed with a book and try and switch off for a while.

I know you've had a bad couple of days yourself Taurus, I'm in no position do be giving anyone advice. But i hope your ok yourself. i hope your safe. x

thanks for the support!

[Guest_9809]

Hi TooNiceGuy. How have you been today?

Well at least the GP appointment went pretty well yesterday. A good start. Do you feel comfortable with him/her? Comfortable enough to talk about everything that has been happening in your life? If so, then thats good. Remember that you can always go back to see them again if you feel the need to. Even if its just to talk. I note that your psych appointment is still over 3 weeks away.

Sorry that you felt uncomfortable putting yourself out there as you did. I guess its to be expected though, given that you have hidden so much and remained invisible (by necessity) for a large part of your relatively short life to date. I think eventually you will feel that sense of relief, but maybe it will take a while. I'm not sure. I dont understand why you would feel as though you've let yourself down though. Our feelings are strange things, and often very difficult to explain. But you have done the right thing NiceGuy, and I'm sure you wont regret it over the long term. Short term pain for long term gain. I think thats the saying anyway? Its very apt in this case.

I hope your early night last night helped to resolve the splitting headache. Possibly brought on by tension.

Were you able to do something today that you enjoy doing? I dont know where you live, but maybe a visit to the beach or the mountains if you have either readily accessible. Personally I love water, so a walk along the beach, a river or a creek is particularly calming for me. I find the sound of water very comforting. Perhaps you have something similar which brings you peace and a sense of calm? If so, allow yourself the opportunity to be there.

I hope you are doing okay TooNiceGuy. I have been thinking of you through the day, but as you can see, I dont have any advice to give you. Which is the reason I didnt come on here earlier, in the hope that someone else may have something to offer. But I do willingly and genuinely offer you my full support.

Offering you a comforting motherly hug. Yes I'm definitely old enough to be your mother!

Kindest thoughts.

Taurus xx

[tooniceguy]

Taurus....I know your having a hard time. And I hope you are holding up.

I spent most of the day yesterday,in the city......decided to go out and just walk. Something about been surrounded by skyscrapers makes the world seem a little smaller. The walk did me good....I was able to sleep last night.

Its a new week, im trying to form some new habbits, and reintroduce some old ones back into my life.

Im off to a class this afternoon...hapkido.....i haven't been to a class in a little over a year. At some point i lost the urge and determination to keep going.....its not back yet....but youve gotta start somewhere.

Ill be back at the docs end of the week for some test results. And to talk about a few things ,i didnt get a chance to ,and to be honest didn't want to talk about on sat.

Life goes on as they say, this week I'm just going to sit back and take the ride.

Its day by day...even hour by hour....but im trying.

Your words of suport mean more than you know...and the advice in that suport is priceless. Even when you dont think your offering any you do. Thanks for the hug.

Im sending one back.

Thankyou.

[Guest_9809]

Morning NiceGuy. Thanks for asking, but yes, I am holding up for now.

Ah yes, the city! Where you can hide out amongst the crowds and maintain your anonymity. I find cities to be a very lonely place. Never alone as such, but you just as well be, as I feel about as lonely as you can get there. Being buffeted by crowds like a piece of flotsom in the ocean. I like being on my own much better. Being surrounded by skyscrapers I find somewhat daunting, and cities or busy places a little frightening, with perceived danger around every corner.

Anyway, I am glad that your long day and walk in the city did you good, and enabled you a decent sleep. So it was definitely worthwhile.

Hapkido sounds like a good idea. That is a Korean form of martial arts isnt it, something like Judo perhaps? I note that you have done it previously. What level have you achieved? Anyway I think that kind of discipline would be good for both the mind and the body, so I expect its a good choice for you. My equivalent is much less physically demanding, I stick with yoga. Which I have my class at 10.30am today. I WILL get there today!

Well I hope the next GP appointment at the end of this week goes well. Blood test results etc to be received. And more talk. Thats the tough one obviously. NiceGuy its a really big thing to have confidence in your GP (first point of call), so I really hope you are able to develop a trust and affinity with this one. Of course you didnt wish to talk about a lot of things, and no doubt you still wont this week. Take things in steps, a bit at a time. Your GP doesnt need to know everything, just the basics. Leave the worst for your psych when you see them. That relationship will also need to be built up over time. Patience NiceGuy!

I have had the same GP for 8 years now, but only ever turned up once a year for an annual (birth control) script, and that was it. In, out, and gone ... never spoke really. Thankfully I've always been in good physical health. It is only the past 2 years that I have developed a bit of a repoire. And as for my diagnosis of PTSD and the cause of it, I still havent actually spoken to him of that. I relied on my psych to tell him the basics via a letter. He has since spoken to me about it, but I couldnt respond as I was a blubbering shaking mess. But he knows now, and its so much easier when I see him now.

Yes definitely ... a day, an hour at a time. Patience and persistence are vital. Another hug.

Taurus xx