Hi, I'm new here. I have never shared my story in writing to anyone, but
this is a first step on the road to recovery. I was sexually abused by
my father from as early as I can remember until the age of 12 yrs old. I
was 15 when it finally came out. ...
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Hi, I'm new here. I have never shared my story in writing to anyone, but
this is a first step on the road to recovery. I was sexually abused by
my father from as early as I can remember until the age of 12 yrs old. I
was 15 when it finally came out. My mother confronted my dad about it,
and he admitted to everything. She chose to stay with my Dad and support
him through community workshops etc that were available at the time. I
was forced at the time to go to therapy, but it didn't last as I wasn't
able to deal with it at that age, so I never did. The last 28 years have
quite literally been a blur for me. At 16, the drinking began - it's
never stopped. It helped dull the pain - it still helps dull the pain.
As too, did the pointless relationships with all the wrong men, one
after the other, after the other.... I left school and did an office
administration course. Work has been the one constant in my life - the
one thing that kept me functioning normally. At 20, I met my
husband-to-be, again, in hindsight, the wrong man for me. Someone who
could barely hold down a job, someone who was distant and was not
looking for commitment, someone who treated me with disrespect because
that's what I felt I was worthy of. But that suited me at the time. In
January 2000, we married. I was 6 months pregnant. In April 2000, my
beautiful baby boy was born. In August 2005, I had a gorgeous baby girl.
Work functions, partying and a multitude of flings throughout my
marriage later, I left my husband in August 2010. I still struggle with
the guilt of all of my actions - it was out drinking, that I was at my
happiest. My escape. I struggle to even write a lot about my nearly 40
years of life, as it is marred so significantly with shame,
disappointment, regret, anger, sadness - so many mixed emotions. I have
been in an on again-off again relationship now for the past 4 & a half
years. Again, one where he kept me at a distance right up to about a
year ago. But that suited me. It is only now, that I'm starting to feel
that I want for something better. I want for all the endless guilt,
anger, sadness to go away. I want to proud of me and to be able to
create happiness within. I've made the decision that this is now or
never. I've had opportunities presented to me that I want to take
advantage of, but my negative self-worth and body image has held me
back. I start therapy next week. I know it's not going to be easy, but
it will be worth it.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
