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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Croix (TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time
  • replies: 28

Dear All~ This post involves putting down animals - please no not read if you think it might upset you. I'm writing this account in part to because I feel I need to in order to fully accept it, partly so others with PTSD can see what can happen in th... View more

Dear All~ This post involves putting down animals - please no not read if you think it might upset you. I'm writing this account in part to because I feel I need to in order to fully accept it, partly so others with PTSD can see what can happen in the future - and perhaps take encouragement. Flashbacks that were much closer in time to the original event were for me overwhelming in many ways. This is a new one, not experienced before and milder. The subject matter may seem silly or trivial to some. My wife is in the next room. I used to be a policeman. These events happen around 1980 and whilst I have been able to refer to them in conversation it has always been in a clinical fashion. In the last couple of weeks they have suddenly become 'real' with several occasions where I was fully back there. One of my duties was to be on-call after hours. At that time the local railway fell in my jurisdiction. On two separate occasions I was rung up by the public saying that there were injured sheep on the tracks. On each occasion I went to the area involved, wearing old clothes and located them. Some were in a very bad way, and since I had no possibility of quickly calling a vet I had to put them down. In each case they had been there some time. To do this I had to use my service revolver and stop to reload before completing the task. I then went home, showered and changed and my wife rang the railways to clear the track. This is surprisingly hard for me to say. The memory is crystal clear in my mind with sounds and other sensory input, however I will not give any more details, they are not really suitable. I'm not flashing back, so I guess I'm improving. I am crying.

Gruffudd Mindfulness PTSD and Trauma...
  • replies: 14

It seems to be a bit of a thing. I have been hearing people say that they can't do mindfulness strategies because they don't want to think about the past. I was thinking though for me mindfulness is about being fully in the moment right now. It was m... View more

It seems to be a bit of a thing. I have been hearing people say that they can't do mindfulness strategies because they don't want to think about the past. I was thinking though for me mindfulness is about being fully in the moment right now. It was my pathway out of the PTSD symptoms because they stopped my awareness of the world around. I think of it as reclaiming the now. There seem to be enough front line workers and former ones here who are carrying stories, moments, sounds, and all sorts. I am another of that group. I do wonder what I would be like if I had been a plumber or a florist instead. Even so, with a little perseverance I am able to be in some of those places and around some of those people and feel alright, it took 5 years, and there will be more no doubt. So this mindfulness, thinking on what I am doing, where I am, taking it all in. I was rather dismissive of it. There you go.

Yunalonei I just need to get things off my chest (trigger warning: sexual abuse)
  • replies: 1

Hi, I feel terrible for venting/dumping my issues on strangers when the reason i don't want to talk to family is because of how much it depresses people them hearing it, i'm hoping strangers won't have a vested interest in me to become depressed over... View more

Hi, I feel terrible for venting/dumping my issues on strangers when the reason i don't want to talk to family is because of how much it depresses people them hearing it, i'm hoping strangers won't have a vested interest in me to become depressed over my pathetic problems. I've been crying for the past 2 hours following an anxiety bout, i haven't slept for about 39 hours and i am no where near to being able to close my eyes let alone sleep. My brain hates me right now. The man i'm in love with is asleep next to me and i don't want to wake him up and speak to him because he has his own problems and i'm over dumping my stuff on him and making it worse for him. I'm not speaking to my father (we moved back in with m parents after my mum had a hip replacements and my older brother decided he couldn't help) because he has spent the past 8 months criticising every decision i make, every aspect my my personality and every choice i have made or plan to make. My mum has just started seeing a psycologist and been diagnosed with BPD (which i was diagnosed with about 7 years ago), so she's wrapped up in her problems and when i try to talk to her she changes the topic to her problems or she shuts down and doesn't know what to say. My older brother decided he didn't have to have anything to do with the family when he moved out and got a girlfriend and he has had issues with me since i had a severe suicidal period and nearly let my dog starve along with me. I just don't know what to do, i can't get hopeful about anything (I've given up on being happy). There is only the man i love who accepts my decisions and who i changed into after getting counselling (i started standing up for myself) but like i said he has his own problems and it kills me thinking i'm making him depressed by constantly crying on his shoulder. I'm 28 and unemployed because of my mental state, i was living in a van with my dog and this man for years before coming back her and it was great. Being away from all but 1 human and only surrounding myself with nature and animals was the best i have felt in my life, but having come back to my parents house things have just gone from bad to worse. I'm living in the house that i was sexually abused in for 10 years by my older brother (he died from an illness and was 5 years older than me), he raped me from the age of 6 to 15 and it stopped only when i was too old for him. I see him in my dreams and everywhere in this house. I'm out of characters now

DonnaM In A Very Dark Place Right Now
  • replies: 9

No idea how to squeeze this all into 2500 characters. We grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. My diagnoses include PTSD, severe depression, severe anxiety, Asperger's, panic disorder, sensory processing disorder, bipolar disorder (type 3), and a... View more

No idea how to squeeze this all into 2500 characters. We grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. My diagnoses include PTSD, severe depression, severe anxiety, Asperger's, panic disorder, sensory processing disorder, bipolar disorder (type 3), and a bunch of other stuff. Basically, I haven't been able to cope with the real world for a really long time. Almost every time I have contact with my parents, I spiral into a deep depression. DEEP. And it's always triggered by something very small. The last time I was triggered was in August last year and I haven't recovered. And now it's worse. My little sister was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in October last year, which is spreading, on top of the other massive health issues she's been dealing with all her life. She has four boys, all have the same father, and three of them are the product of partner rape. She is not 'with' him anymore, but at the moment he lives with her because she can't take care of the kids by herself. And now he wants sex. She says she's not going to let it happen. I'm worried given his behaviour in the past, and now that she's weaker than ever. Full back-story on all this stuff would take thousands of words, so to put it as simply as I can: Dad triggered me badly last year, my little sister is dying and living with a monster, she has four boys who will soon lose their mum and be stuck with their dreadful father, I am barely able to cope with my own children (who have mental health issues of their own) so there's no possibility of us taking in her kids after she passes, and for the second time in six months I am . . . I don't even know. I have no control over my emotions, I have to pull over when I'm driving to scream (literally scream), and I can say with almost 100% certainty that if I lived closer to my parents and sister I would have already been arrested for murder - of my father last year, or of my sister's ex this past Friday. I'm on medication, and I'm seeing a psychologist at the moment, and we were making some progress but what happened on Friday has set me waaaaaaaay back. I don't know how many times I can come back from this stuff, and it's only going to get worse. When my sister passes, I will lose it. Guaranteed. I don't even know what I'm asking of you guys here. Whatever you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading xxx

Determinedtogetbetter When is enough too much
  • replies: 5

My relationship of 16 years has come to an ugly end. Weve tried so hard for the last year to fix it. I suffer from chronic depression ptsd and anxiety for about 10 years, maybe more. All as a result of this violent relationship. And ive done it alone... View more

My relationship of 16 years has come to an ugly end. Weve tried so hard for the last year to fix it. I suffer from chronic depression ptsd and anxiety for about 10 years, maybe more. All as a result of this violent relationship. And ive done it alone and mostly quietly untill it hospitalised me 2 years ago. I could not burden my family and I had his shit as my destraction. Im not a drama queen and like my vulnerabilities as my own. I don't play the victim because I stayed by choice and loved him. My relationship was a tumultuous one and the anger he has had all his life has left its stain on me. Im 45 have 2 grown kids and a granddaughter and one on the way I buried the son that wasnt mine by birth two years ago. My depression is so severe that those 3 and my mum are all that holds me to the earth. While I have a genuine fear of "killing myself" I fear im doing exactly that. Im self destructing in the slowest ugliest way. I weigh 39kgs at 5"10 not taking my meds that treat a few vital organs. I smoke two packs a day and eat nothing while working 12 hour labour shifts. I dont drink or drug. cant be bothered showering or brushing my teeth. Im losing work because I cant control the crying. I feel sick all the time and just so obscenely sad. Its more than the breakdown of my relationship its a breakdown. Period. Ive been through these before but ive never had a depressive episode last 3 months. I am barely sleeping and three times in the last month ive had to look at the mail on the table to remember my own name!. Sometimes im so confused I walk to work because I cant figure out the peddles and gears. I forget the simplest tasks at work and its getting noticed. I've fears and insecurities that make me feel so worthless. And for the first time ever I dont know how to deal. Im not even sure why I am here telling this. Though I have suffered so much physical abuse and emotional torture for so many years it has never crossed my mind to abandon him in his torment, maybe I understood on a different level that alot of society is not willing to accept. His sadness had nothing to do with me so itried to help. His physical state is as bad as mine and he doesnt drink or drug either. I dont want to abandon him but I dont really want to die either. What do I do? Where do I go from here?

spt1988 PTSD Cyclist vs Car
  • replies: 3

I just joined up to this site last week, almost 3 years ago I was riding my bike to work when a driver of a car failed to give way at a round about and hit me off my bike breaking my left femur. I had a spiral fracture that split my bone into 3 and r... View more

I just joined up to this site last week, almost 3 years ago I was riding my bike to work when a driver of a car failed to give way at a round about and hit me off my bike breaking my left femur. I had a spiral fracture that split my bone into 3 and required surgery and a metal rod and 4 screws to hold it all back together. like you also I have had ongoing chronic pain ever since, I have since had 2 more surgeries to remove all the metal but still the pain persists nearly 3 years on and is now having a bad effect on my hips and knee joints on both legs. I tried to return to my work as a spray painter 6 months after the accident even on light duties but still couldn't manage to keep up with demand, I stuck it out for a year and a bit trying all sorts of different solutions to help deal with the pain none of which had much effect. I have now since left my job last year to try and seek more suitable employment. but all I have known since leaving school is spray painting, so it is proving rather difficult to find anything else. I have had many interviews for jobs that my skills would b transferable but it seems no one wants to hire a broken person. Needless to say this has also had an effect on my mental health, I had a bit of a meltdown just before the first year past becoming serverly depressed and anxious. I have been seeing a psychiatrist ever since and have been put on some fairly heavy anti depressants. Even with all that I still find it hard to get better when there is still all this pain and money worrys. I have a claim underway aswell which also stresses me out and it just keeps getting pushed back further by the doctors who say I'm not stable yet. I'm only 28 but this whole experience has just drained the life out of me not to mention physically I now move like a 70 year old, I've forgotten what its like to be normal. Is there any one else in a or has been through a similar situation and feel like sharing? I found writing things down on here slightly helpful.

avalon2 Secondhand trauma (help for 16yo)
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone! I'm 16 and am trying to just get my mental health in better shape: so a little background. When I was a few months old my mother lived with my father (who was an alcoholic/drug addict/emotionally abusive etc.) and the relationship ended ... View more

Hi everyone! I'm 16 and am trying to just get my mental health in better shape: so a little background. When I was a few months old my mother lived with my father (who was an alcoholic/drug addict/emotionally abusive etc.) and the relationship ended pretty quickly. He was diagnosed with manipulative traits + threatened to kill her one night and disappear with me. She left pretty quickly and I have no memory of him at all (I grew up with mum and my step dad . His mother/father I was in contact with for a long time until I learnt more about how terrible his father was as well so we lost contact. I"m still best friends with his mother though (who has divorced her husband). A few years ago however I learnt that my father had threatened to kill my mother, that his father was physically violent to his children, that people had accused him of sexual assault + he slapped me across the face when I was a baby - and some more stuff. All this information had a deeper impact than I thought it would, I thought it wouldn't affect me too much but it completely consumed me. I felt violated, felt that I had been betrayed by both my father and grandfather and felt very unsafe. What it led to were constant nightmares where my grandfather tried to kidnap me, and by far the worst, a dream where my father had both my sister and mother at knife point (I woke up thinking I was going to die). I was waking up anxious, I felt anxious when talking about anything family related and was just consumed by this knowledge and info about my father. While I havent had a nightmare for 6 months now, I am still consumed by my father and get very anxious very quickly when asked to talk about family (hands shake, heart beats) etc. Ive never really spoken to anyone about this but upon reading about PTSD a few weeks ago, it hit me that that's what it could have been - but then, I don't remember the trauma? Can PTSD stem from hearing about the trauma you were a part of even if you can't remember it? Thank you all so so much xx

JimmiD I'm new here. Call me Jimmi. No expectations. Give what I can recieve what comes my way.
  • replies: 21

The title says it all. So hi to everyone. Yep...I'm in pain. Not Robinson Crusoe there hey. I don't have a 'victim mentality' but I do recognise that I am a victim...a victim of many things. I've always been a fighter but I'm not invincible...tho may... View more

The title says it all. So hi to everyone. Yep...I'm in pain. Not Robinson Crusoe there hey. I don't have a 'victim mentality' but I do recognise that I am a victim...a victim of many things. I've always been a fighter but I'm not invincible...tho maybe once I thought I was. I have given everything my best shot...and done well all things considered. I have reached a point...or maybe the point has reached me...where I am not capable of giving it anywhere near what used to be my best shot....but for now its the best I can do. I really don't know if that will be enough. That's why I'm here. I need support. And I will give that too...as much as I am capable of giving. It will never be as much as I used to. But one needs to reserve love and energy for oneself and not deplete it to their own detriment...as I have in the past. So Hi all and I wish you all the very best Jimmi

TBella Ready To Do My Charlie!
  • replies: 8

Bad news from my family interstate yesterday. Miles away from my family worried about them & feeling helpless, stressed. Then at work, I am stuck in a toxic, unhealthy & unprofessional place- where today my boss totally undermined me in front of the ... View more

Bad news from my family interstate yesterday. Miles away from my family worried about them & feeling helpless, stressed. Then at work, I am stuck in a toxic, unhealthy & unprofessional place- where today my boss totally undermined me in front of the child I sent inside for hurting another child. Totally disrespected me because she wanted to kiss butt & not give a stuff about her staff. Leaving me feeling like worthless poo! No chance of the kids listening to me at work now, when the boss undermines my authority. But it's ok for her staff to be verbally abused & some have also been physically assaulted by children. Now it's almost 2:30am & I can't sleep because the noisy, inconsiderate neighbours seem to think it's ok to play loud music at this hour & don't need to use their inside voices. Its alomost every night & ive had enough! I am so fed up with living in a superficial, fickle, self absorbed & self entitled world, where no one has life skills, social skills or even manners. SERIOUSLY how flipping hard is it to show consideration, common courtesy & respect to humanity!! Just to be aware of others around you! GRRRRR!!!!! It makes me so angry & sad. It makes me feel like an alien from different planet. planet manners or planet respect perhaps! I ready to lose my Charlie! And then I'm angry that I'm angry coz that's not the real me & a total waste of energy! Arrrgh so stressed! So over this world- give me a Labrador dog any day! It's really not that hard to be kind, treat people with respect & yet it can make the world of difference to someone's life! Beam me up!!! Ok end of rant. Thanks. Ticked of Bella

Tigermoth Has anyone had any experience with someone with PTSD who is addicted to driving uber
  • replies: 2

Can someone give me some advice or help me understand? My husband is driving uber till 2 and 3 am. I have tried begging him, reasoning with him, threatening to leave, nothing works. I am feeling very tired most of the time as I am going to work on di... View more

Can someone give me some advice or help me understand? My husband is driving uber till 2 and 3 am. I have tried begging him, reasoning with him, threatening to leave, nothing works. I am feeling very tired most of the time as I am going to work on disturbed sleep (sometimes only three to four hours). I asked him to come home before 2am tonight and he just snapped at me that he was going out to make money. I thought he was starting to better but now I wonder. He has become very self centered and Uber has become his addiction