When is enough too much

[Determinedtogetbetter]

My relationship of 16 years has come to an ugly end. Weve tried so hard for the last year to fix it.

I suffer from chronic depression ptsd and anxiety for about 10 years, maybe more. All as a result of this violent relationship. And ive done it alone and mostly quietly untill it hospitalised me 2 years ago. I could not burden my family and I had his shit as my destraction. Im not a drama queen and like my vulnerabilities as my own. I don't play the victim because I stayed by choice and loved him. My relationship was a tumultuous one and the anger he has had all his life has left its stain on me.

Im 45 have 2 grown kids and a granddaughter and one on the way I buried the son that wasnt mine by birth two years ago. My depression is so severe that those 3 and my mum are all that holds me to the earth. While I have a genuine fear of "killing myself" I fear im doing exactly that. Im self destructing in the slowest ugliest way. I weigh 39kgs at 5"10 not taking my meds that treat a few vital organs. I smoke two packs a day and eat nothing while working 12 hour labour shifts. I dont drink or drug. cant be bothered showering or brushing my teeth. Im losing work because I cant control the crying. I feel sick all the time and just so obscenely sad. Its more than the breakdown of my relationship its a breakdown. Period. Ive been through these before but ive never had a depressive episode last 3 months.

I am barely sleeping and three times in the last month ive had to look at the mail on the table to remember my own name!. Sometimes im so confused I walk to work because I cant figure out the peddles and gears. I forget the simplest tasks at work and its getting noticed. I've fears and insecurities that make me feel so worthless.

And for the first time ever I dont know how to deal.

Im not even sure why I am here telling this. Though I have suffered so much physical abuse and emotional torture for so many years it has never crossed my mind to abandon him in his torment, maybe I understood on a different level that alot of society is not willing to accept. His sadness had nothing to do with me so itried to help. His physical state is as bad as mine and he doesnt drink or drug either. I dont want to abandon him but I dont really want to die either.

What do I do? Where do I go from here?

[BballJ]

Hi Determinedtogetbetter,

Firstly, great positive name.

What a story and thank you for sharing. You are reaching out for help and that is the best thing. My first question is have you spoken to a GP about all of this and are you seeing or have you seen a psychologist or psychiatrist? I understand you are on medication for some vital organs. There is a lot to take in, in your post as well.

Another thing I would suggest is giving the Beyond Blue helpline a call on 1300 22 4636 - they are open 24/7 as well so when you are feeling down or have these thoughts please remember you can call them, you are just in a bad place and need help and you are looking for it, which is great.

My best for you,

Jay

[Determinedtogetbetter]

Hi Jay

Youre support warms my heart. Thank you. Yes ive spoken to a few G.Ps. its always the same result- take these pills come see me in a few weeks. Its so frustrating!

I saw a psych a few times after Ryan died but im not sure how I went. Sometimes clinical solutions just seem so far out of reality. I saw others as well and it seems to all come to the same thing-battered wife syndrome. im smart and I know that but its not that cut and dried. All I want to do is scream out all my pain my anger my frustrations my everydamnthing that is stuffed in my little skull, but they dont take too well to that. I am so painfully lost with finding that medium that can help me with this. My partner has always reassured me and that usually kept my feet on the ground, but right now he is so angry and lost he is the opposite of help. Im so  alone.

I had a cancer scare two years ago with my thyroid lots of benign tumours so they removed it. I have always has problems with a hyper thyroid never been over 50 kgs. Did you know that damn thing controls almost everything including hormones. I had cervical cancer in my mid twenties and had a hysterectomy so they took no chances with the thyroid. I know if I dont take my meds my body will fail and coma and death follow. See my dilemma?.

I cant afford to take time off work ill lose everything and I have seriously nowhere to go if I lose my home. That so much stress on my kids and neither are in a position to help me. And they dont know my struggle I can't show them I cant tell them!. Feel so damn stuck and useless. how do people survive this shit??

In the last couple of years ive lost several friends my age to suicide. It really impacted me knowing that at this age we should have skills enough to cope, to preserve, but we dont. Even though they had kids and families the pain was too much in the end. I couldnt see it then but I do now. And that totally scares me. Thier deaths were a major event in my life, knowing its just that simple to end it. That really scares me knowing I dont feel strong enough to save myself. Scares me this endless crying shatters me so much I just want everything to stop. Everything. Ive spent my life giving quality and love to others and dont know how to love myself enough to save myself.  im so lost.

[blondguy]

Hi Determined (BballJ is right...thats a great name)

I really feel for you and the huge amount of pain and anguish you have/are going through

You have had the courage to post here and good on you! Thats a big step.

I read what you said about doctors and clinical solutions seeming that far from reality and considering your pain I dont blame you.

I had acute anxiety, agoraphobia and now depression. I take an AD every day since 1996 and an anti anxiety med when I need to. Even though you may not like this suggestion, super regular counseling (I had weekly for ages) does bring peace to a 'tired' mind. I still even see my GP for a 'tune up' every 6 weeks as well if my thought processes go astray.

You are strong enough (actually very strong) to save yourself. I understand you are working which is good.

Its sad that you are not eating and are 39kilos which can be punishing both physically as well as mentally.

Beyond Blue have kind qualified support people on the 1300 22 4636 24/7 to help you too.

These forums are a judgement free zone and even so, It would be crucial to find a good GP asap so you can have someone to bounce off and hopefully really give some counseling a go. (my therapist was a psychiatric nurse at a community center)

Crying is a smart venting method for sure but in front of a counselor would make a huge difference right now

my heart goes out to you in this dark period Determined

my kind thoughts for you

Paulx

[BballJ]

Hi Determinedtogetbetter,

It is so tough I understand that and you are doing everything to hold it together... you may not feel like it but my god you are strong... stronger than a lot of people who would face this much adversity. One thing i would remind you is your kids... you are doing this, all this fighting for your kids and yourself even though it doesn't feel like it. You sound like an amazing person just in a really dark spot but as your name says.. you are determined to get better. What Paul (blondguy) said above is 100% right, finding the right GP is a big step towards recovery... not one who just wants to recommend medication but one who wants to help.. it is tough but they are out there which is where calling the Beyond Blue helpline may help you.

I am sorry about you cancer scares and battles as well... you sure have been through it all... I actually think you will be of much help on these forums to other sufferers, all in due time of course when you get better (i say when you get better, because you will get better as you are looking for the right help)

Always here to talk.

My best,

Jay

[Nikki653]

First off, you are looking back longinly..he is not worth it, or your excuses. I know no one can understand and accept you like that, but its not true. So hard to let go, but pls do it..