In A Very Dark Place Right Now

[DonnaM]

No idea how to squeeze this all into 2500 characters.

We grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. My diagnoses include PTSD, severe depression, severe anxiety, Asperger's, panic disorder, sensory processing disorder, bipolar disorder (type 3), and a bunch of other stuff. Basically, I haven't been able to cope with the real world for a really long time.

Almost every time I have contact with my parents, I spiral into a deep depression. DEEP. And it's always triggered by something very small. The last time I was triggered was in August last year and I haven't recovered.

And now it's worse. My little sister was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in October last year, which is spreading, on top of the other massive health issues she's been dealing with all her life. She has four boys, all have the same father, and three of them are the product of partner rape. She is not 'with' him anymore, but at the moment he lives with her because she can't take care of the kids by herself. And now he wants sex. She says she's not going to let it happen. I'm worried given his behaviour in the past, and now that she's weaker than ever.

Full back-story on all this stuff would take thousands of words, so to put it as simply as I can: Dad triggered me badly last year, my little sister is dying and living with a monster, she has four boys who will soon lose their mum and be stuck with their dreadful father, I am barely able to cope with my own children (who have mental health issues of their own) so there's no possibility of us taking in her kids after she passes, and for the second time in six months I am . . . I don't even know. I have no control over my emotions, I have to pull over when I'm driving to scream (literally scream), and I can say with almost 100% certainty that if I lived closer to my parents and sister I would have already been arrested for murder - of my father last year, or of my sister's ex this past Friday.

I'm on medication, and I'm seeing a psychologist at the moment, and we were making some progress but what happened on Friday has set me waaaaaaaay back. I don't know how many times I can come back from this stuff, and it's only going to get worse. When my sister passes, I will lose it. Guaranteed.

I don't even know what I'm asking of you guys here. Whatever you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading xxx

[Croix]

Dear DonnaM~

I'm sorry about your situation. Please bear with me while I take a while to get to the point.

I'm nudging 70, most of my life has past already - that's fine, I'm good with that. A while ago I got a spot on my lung, which, as I had been a v heavy smoke, made me immediately think of cancer. I had to wait 3 months for the results - negative. Ok.

But during that three months I had time to think, first discontent/anger/etc... you can imagine. Then I started to think abut my time left and what I wanted - really wanted. An awful lot of things I thought I had to do turned out not to be exactly that. They tended to be duties and obligations -as I perceived them to be.

After a lot of reflection I'd whittled down that task list to a minimum, things I could accomplish, should accomplish.Real responsibilities that were down to me, both to others and to myself.

Operative word is 'could'

OK, now I try to make my point and you can probably see it coming. I've had a look at some -not all - of your other posts where you talked abut your circumstances, or gave advice to others. I get the impression you have a feeling for what triggers your massive meltdowns and also a more medium horrible status -I express that badly, I hope you get the idea.

You may have some idea how to avoid things to get some sort of peace - I don't know.

I discovered I could not do everything I thought I should, and wanted a life with stability and some of those I cared about in my world whist I was still on the go.

I may be being impertinent by suggesting it, but if your life is taken over by melt-downs and is a horrible unstable life because you are trying too hard, taking on more responsibilities than you really have, are you being wise? You are entitled to the best life possible in your circumstances.

Perhaps a list of those things you can live with and tolerate without pushing you too far. Another list of all you want to accomplish, then consider.

Contrary to what you might be thinking I do have a heart and was most upset each time I discarded an item to shrink my list down.

Thank you for listening.

Croix

[Gruffudd]

Hi Donna,

It sounds a lot that has brought you to writing here. You seem skilled at surviving.

The things you can do something about are the ones where it isn't working and you can do something different. Seems obvious but has to be one of the best things I have learned. I started with small things and they mounted up to make for some bigger change.

I wish you well and for better days.

Rob.

[BballJ]

Hi DonnaM,

Wow, what a story you have to tell, I am so sorry about everything that is happening in your life. I can't believe half the stuff I was reading and feel so sorry for you. I wish I had the perfect piece of advice to make it all better but it is so tricky, it seems you wanted to vent in a non-judgemental place and that is great you came here, as that is what it is for.

Have you been back to see your psych since the episode happened on Friday? It seems you may need to see them or your GP as a matter of urgency.

I wish I could offer more advice but I can offer my support and always happy to talk.

My best for you and your family,

Jay

[geoff]

hello Donna, there is so much you have had to cope with, let alone know what you can do, but there are a couple of issues that you shouldn't do, and that's to see your parents, that is when your father is there because every time you see him it will always trigger a downfall and whether his abuse extends to physical as well emotional is something you may want to let us know.
I am so sorry about your sister, and the saying 'it never rains it pours' is typical in most cases, however the set up with the father of the four boys should not be living with her, I know that maybe difficult to understand because your sister is obviously not feeling well, but there is a chance that he could abuse the boys as well as your sister once again, and definitely not go and live with your parents, so they have to go and live with another person if that's possible, this may prove to be difficult, because you yourself are not strong enough to cope with all of these children.
The boys won't want to be separated however I would suggest that you contact Anglicare, Child Support Agency (Department of Human Services), Reachout.com, Kids Helpline, or Sane.
I'm not sure I have been of any help, but I do know what shouldn't happen.
Hope you can get back to us, in these very difficult circumstances. Geoff. x

[DonnaM]

Hey 🙂

Thanks for taking the time to reply. You're right, I'm very aware of what triggers me, which is why I spend most of my life hiding here in my house and not seeing anyone. I'm also aware of the danger of expecting too much of myself, so I, too, have whittled down my list of essentials. I'm happy if I can do washing up two days in a row.

I've been bad on and off in the past, but this time around seems different. My father is, as I mentioned in my original post, a trigger for me, so I don't see or speak to my parents unless it's unavoidable. Having a dying sister is making avoidance difficult. But I don't have to see or speak to them to be triggered now. Intrusive thoughts and recurring nightmares brought on by the PTSD keep them fresh in my mind no matter how distant I keep myself from them. Hearing someone else mention them brings it on. Knowing either parent's birthday or father's day or mother's day is coming up brings it on. I was with my sister on Friday and Mum called her while I was there, and just knowing she was on the phone brought it on.

Knowing I had an appointment today with my psychologist got me through the weekend, so of course I got a phone call an hour ago saying they had to cancel because she has a migraine.

Your suggestions are the right ones for me, assuming I'm understanding them correctly, but I've already done those things. I've pared my life down to the bare essentials over the past few years, and I've still managed to have three nervous breakdowns (not a clinical term, but I'm told that's basically what is happening) since August. It's like one step forward, fourteen steps back, you know?

If you have any other ideas or suggestions or you want to give me a mental slap upside the head, do feel free. Anything is appreciated at this point xo

[DonnaM]

Hi Jay 🙂

I think you're right, I needed to vent. There isn't really much anyone can do, since so much of what is happening is out of my hands, but I honestly appreciate your kind words.

I had an appointment scheduled with my psychologist this morning, but they had to cancel because she has a migraine, so now I'm a mess again. Have to make it through another week now. I've made it this far, so I guess I can make it another week, hey?

I hope this finds you well xo

[DonnaM]

Okay, I was trying to answer people individually, but my internet connection is dodgy today so I'll finish here.

Thank you to everyone who replied, and I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you all. As often happens these days, I forgot I had even posted here. I forget a lot of things, something I'm sure most people here are familiar with.

My appointment with my psychologist today was canceled because she has a migraine so I'm in a little bit of a freefall again at the moment, but I will do my best to get through this (very bad word) day by day, as always.

I hope your generosity to me is repaid in peace and happiness to you xo

[Croix]

Dear DonnaM~

OK, a long way to go. May I go down another brief sidetrack?

I was scared of mailboxes. Silly but true - yes the box at the bottom of the driveway that the postman leans over and puts letters in. I used to dread hearing his bike his approach, hated walking down and seeing what was inside. Had to stop putting it off, and eventually do it each day. This was a legacy from my PTSD.

I'm not afraid of them any more - in fact we have quite a cordial relationship. I did it by the reward system. I'd been programmed by past experiences at work to expect the worst by mail, now I kept buying small inexpensive things I liked and had them delivered in the post - mainly DVDs.

Over time (yes that word again -synonym for frustration, delay) I started to look forward to the mailman's motorbike. This is trivial and not in the same league - I know that. But it is self-induced learning.

Again you can see where I'm going but this time I'm going further. I do not think, from what you have said, that you are doing adequate preparations. Yes, I don't know what it is like, the pressures, the problems, the commitments and so on - yes terribly easy for me to say.

You have ability and intellect (Back-story?, not a word used by those that struggle for them - oh alright ... 2 words). You have listed a number of occasions or events - no I'm not going to repeat them - that have set you off. Arrange alternatives for those times. Get your sister not to answer the phone when you are there ... and so on and so on.

I know this is not a complete answer - nothing is at this time. Perhaps it is 10%, perhaps nothing, perhaps more. From reading your words I've a deal of faith in your abilities when not actually undergoing a mental crisis. Invention, imagination, thoroughness are there in you.

Again my thanks for listening.

Croix

[BballJ]

Hi DonnaM,

It's no worries about the delay in response, we are in no rush here and everything is in your own time 🙂

Sorry to hear your psych cancelled the session... maybe if it gets too much a possible phone call to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 to discuss how you are feeling may be of help to you? They are 24/7 so if you feel down or in that free fall, please do remember you can give them a call.

Or even just keep replying here and we will keep replying to help ease your feelings.

My best,

Jay