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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 274

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Rainbowgen Opening up for the first time about my trauma
  • replies: 10

Hi, I joined this in hope of finding someone who will hopefully listen and understand. I have always put myself in a place where I didn't mean much and over the past year I have been working at changing that which has lead to the rise of other issues... View more

Hi, I joined this in hope of finding someone who will hopefully listen and understand. I have always put myself in a place where I didn't mean much and over the past year I have been working at changing that which has lead to the rise of other issues. Crypt I know. I'm really not sure what to say, i'm young, I've been hurt and I feel like it's my fault

Cornstarch Emotional flashbacks really sting my heart
  • replies: 2

I really struggle with emotional flashbacks of complicit bystanders to my child abuse. I have had years and years of therapy that continues to this day. I exercise, eat well, I love my friends, I have dependable employment, I have the best clinical p... View more

I really struggle with emotional flashbacks of complicit bystanders to my child abuse. I have had years and years of therapy that continues to this day. I exercise, eat well, I love my friends, I have dependable employment, I have the best clinical psychologist in the southern hemisphere and do everything "you're meant to do" when you have complex PTSD. Despite this, I just can't budge the pain in my heart when I am being flooded with emotional flashbacks to one of the most hurtful elements of the violent sexual assault in my early life. I was raped in front of my perpetrators wife and she did nothing. In fact she started giving me gifts. I was raised in a house with "parents, who should never have been parents" if you know what I mean. What this meant in light of my assault is that it reinforced the feelings of 'disregard' and 'worthlessness' that I felt when a mother figure did not save me, and in fact endorsed the crime, never to mention a word to authorities. My parents unfortunately kept my nervous system in a state of perpetual shock. I know this must sound ridiculous and way over sensitive, but an example of me struggling with emotional flashbacks when I'm in their grasp, would be my boss, or another authority figure rolls their eyes at me, or gives me negative feedback on the job, or simply does not say hello. It may just be other females in the office not liking me. This triggers all my grief and intense sadness. I time travel back decades to the precise second when I saw her presence once the violence was over, and her cold inaction at my powerlessness. I run to the toilets at work and I burst into tears like a teenage girl. I have done so much inner work that I am consciously aware that I have had an emotional reaction that is "out of context", that I am safe, that I have people that love me..........and yet the sting in my heart is so intense some days I just want to go to a deserted island and cry until sunset. I don't feel like a bottomless pit of depression is in front of me. I feel like a bottomless pit of grief and sadness is. I don't know how to help that heal when I have been so deeply betrayed by both sexes. I love all my friends. But there's also a part of me that is secretly scared of them. It's like I'm crouching and waiting for people to hurt me. Does anyone else experience emotional flashbacks to trauma that you intellectually know are 'old wounds' and nothing to stress about, and yet they sting like hell?

Progressive PTSD from MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident)
  • replies: 2

I was 18 years old when I had my car accident, it was on boxing day 2012. I was driving back home after spending Christmas with my family, driving a 1993 corolla, so no airbags. About an hour into my way home it started to rain, nothing to heavy. I w... View more

I was 18 years old when I had my car accident, it was on boxing day 2012. I was driving back home after spending Christmas with my family, driving a 1993 corolla, so no airbags. About an hour into my way home it started to rain, nothing to heavy. I was almost halfway home and excited to enjoy my gifts from Christmas. As I was coming around a bend on the road another car was also but lost control and smashed into me at over 100km per hour. I was hit on the driver side door (T-Bone). The impact broke 4 of my ribs, I was bleeding into my stomach and lacerated my liver and spleen also puncturing a lung. As I was in shock, the car behind the one that hit me pulled over. A women was running towards me and just happened to be a nurse on her way to work at the local hospital. She kicked in the back door window and crawled in. She was comforting me as best she could, saying it was going to be ok and it wasnt to bad. At this stage I was coughing blood, I thought I was going to die. It wasnt to long till police arrived, they also just comforted me until an ambulance arrived. The police called in the fire brigade to cut me out of the car as it was completely smashed in. That took over an hour, I was then placed on a spinal and taken to the ambulance. Still being in shock and not knowing what was going on I started saying my goodbyes, to loved ones. After being in the ambulance for about half an hour I then was taken to be airlifted to hospital. I spent 5 days in ICU (Intensive care unit) and further 7 in surgical ward. Its been almost 4 years since that day but during that time since the crash my mental health was actually worse then the initial car crash was because it lasted so much longer. Having 14 hospital admissions for suicidal thoughts/attempts within 3 years after the accident. I still struggle with my crash, everyday of my life. But things get better. I am getting the proper treatment for PTSD and am in my first year of Uni and that is something I never saw for myself. I have gotten through the worst of it now and am planning for my future which is still weird for me to say. If I can get through such dark and scary times then anyone can, you just have to be brave and stick at the hope of getting better because it does, it really does get better.

Chelle_e Just need to tell my story (trigger warning)
  • replies: 7

Hi, on the 2/7/13 I had a car accident. My children were in the car with me. My son 5, daughter 8, and daughter 18. My 18yr old was 34 weeks pregnant. We had only just confirmed the pregnancy - she was in denial and although I could see that she was ... View more

Hi, on the 2/7/13 I had a car accident. My children were in the car with me. My son 5, daughter 8, and daughter 18. My 18yr old was 34 weeks pregnant. We had only just confirmed the pregnancy - she was in denial and although I could see that she was pregnant, it took alot of convincing for her to accept that she was. We were all really happy. My car rolled 6 times. No-one knows why. We don't remember. My son broke both legs his nose and eye socket, my 8yr old daughter broke both legs an arm and the bone that connects the neck to the skull, my 18yr old broke her foot her knee her femur her pelvis and her neck. Her baby, my grandson was delivered stillborn later at the hospital. I also had injuries, but that doesn't matter. I feel like I deserve that. I don't know how to live with what happened. The police told me that I was not speeding. I was not doing anything on my phone. I knew, but they confirmed I had no drugs or alcohol in my system. They said I must have just lost concentration. They charged with negligent driving occasioning grievous bodily harm. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD. I have nightmares of trying to get my car back on the road. Fighting to get control. I can hear my children screaming. I don't go anywhere. I'm terrified of getting in the car. I haven't driven since the accident. I can't be around babies. My brother and his wife had a little boy 2 months after the accident and although I have met him and I am happy for them I never held him and avoid seeing him. A good friends son just had a baby boy. She wants me to meet him but I can't. I feel sick just thinking about it. It's not fair. I love my babies and have always protected them. Always made sure they were safe and it was me that ruined everything. How do I live with that? I feel so alone.

Singlebutterfly Living with PTSD for 10 years and still no better
  • replies: 3

Hi All, I have been a single parent for 9 years now after being in an abusive relationship (emotional, mental, financial and some physical and sexual abuse) for nearly 10 years, from which I developed PTS, but was no officially diagnosed with PTSD un... View more

Hi All, I have been a single parent for 9 years now after being in an abusive relationship (emotional, mental, financial and some physical and sexual abuse) for nearly 10 years, from which I developed PTS, but was no officially diagnosed with PTSD until 5 years after developing the symptoms. I have been under a number of treatments both chemical and psychological over the past 4 years and have found the chemical treatments side effects to become quite unbearable and invasive in my life, though everytime I manage to get a rapport with a psychologist/ counselor they would either take extended leave or move from my area all together (I am in a rural community), I have even gone as far as admitting myself to a mental health unit through fear of my own safety. Though have found that upon discharge from the inpatient unit there is no services offered to help me in dealing with what I am feeling. The way I am feeling is so turbulent. At night I find I cannot sleep, or wake in fright from night terrors. I find myself socially isolated and find I have major anxiety when out and around others, especially when I am forced to go into an area where my ex husband frequents. Though my biggest fear is in my own home, where the behaviours of my two older children mimic the abuse their father use to direct at me, this puts my PTSD at a whole new level, I will hide in my bedroom and pretend to be asleep, or will go out in my car to get away from the abuse. I have no external family support as my family walked away from me last year, and the only two friends I do have, have abusive partners themselves, so I avoid them if possible. I feel like I am reliving the relationship I was once in and feel powerless to control the situation I am in. When I was in that abusive relationship I attempted to take my life twice, this is not a road I want to follow down again, and when those thoughts get in my head it frightens me to the core. I am sick of living with PTSD and just want a life with some happiness in it, but am finding each door I seem to open gets shut in my face.

lilley Abuse and depression
  • replies: 13

Can depression be an excuse for abuse ,I am really confused. What is acceptable ?​

Can depression be an excuse for abuse ,I am really confused. What is acceptable ?​

DeanoW PTSD with Surgery awareness - There is always help! (trigger warning)
  • replies: 6

I would like to share my journey of PTSD. Hope it can help others. This was a surgery for my 2nd Hernia operation. I suffered by what they refer to as “surgery awareness”. I’m a Male, 40 years old - Sydney. I was taken into the operating room, I was ... View more

I would like to share my journey of PTSD. Hope it can help others. This was a surgery for my 2nd Hernia operation. I suffered by what they refer to as “surgery awareness”. I’m a Male, 40 years old - Sydney. I was taken into the operating room, I was placed onto the operating table, strapped down and I was given a oxygen mask and told to breath deep by the Anaesthetist. Within a few minutes I was not able move my body, eyes or talk but I could feel everything, I could see but not blink. There was a small pillow under my head (I was overweight). The Dr and his assistant gave me 6 large needles (both at the same time) into my Hernia area (belly button). The pain was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life and no way to tell them, I was tortured. I was screaming for them to stop - but no one could hear me. I believe I was given these needles because it was going to take 10 minutes to take effect and they could prepare the surgery in the mean time. After the 6th needle I believe I passed out and when I woke the room was empty and dark, the light was off or pointing away from me. I could not see anyone and thought I was dead for 3-4 minutes. I felt like I was on an Autopsy table. I was looking down my bear chest and could not see my chest move (telling me I was not breathing), I could not move, I could not even blink and I had no feeling to my body except total fear of having my organs cut from my body by someone walking in the room. During this time I remember screaming for help but no words were coming out my mouth. I was screaming “I'm not dead! Please help me”. Still no one could hear me - even the Anaesthetist or any of her monitors were not showing any kind of problem (as I found out later on - 11 months later), they had not put a brain monitor on me at this stage. They put me under a few minutes later. 12 months later. I’m seeing a counsellor for these PTSD issues but he can only help me so much. I need real answers. I am writing this hear because I want people to know that if a Dr does something wrong to you, speak up. Tell a Dr, Nurse or anyone in the hospital to get it resolved. Please do not hold it back. I did this and it just eats me up inside everyday. Once I spoke out I felt such a relief and weight off my shoulders. I could not talk to my family about this as they just said “get over it” and don’t understand the deep issues it holds. Speak to someone, it really helps. -Deano

Darrend PTSD from emergency services career
  • replies: 5

Hi, I have been registered here for two years and I have finally decided to join in. I have lived experience with PTSD. This came about from a career in the emergency services. A few months ago I was feeling miserable and couldn't imagine things impr... View more

Hi, I have been registered here for two years and I have finally decided to join in. I have lived experience with PTSD. This came about from a career in the emergency services. A few months ago I was feeling miserable and couldn't imagine things improving. I have come a long way since then and I am feeling a lot better and more positive than I have felt for ages. I'd love to hear from others that may have been through similar experiences, or anyone else that is struggling. Darren.

NobodySpecial Long post; I want to forget (trigger warning: sexual assault details)
  • replies: 12

Hello, This is my first time posting, second time talking about this. I guess the only way to begin is to just say it. When I was 18 I was trapped in a physically abusive relationship, too scared to leave , terrified on staying. He used to always for... View more

Hello, This is my first time posting, second time talking about this. I guess the only way to begin is to just say it. When I was 18 I was trapped in a physically abusive relationship, too scared to leave , terrified on staying. He used to always force me to touch him, if not I coped it. I didnt think it was that bad, At the time I thought it could always be worse, this was happening for a while. It never esculated past that point. But one day it changed. I dont remember what happened. All I remember was going to his house as told, then waking up on my front lawn feeling disorientated, head fuzzy and completely weak. Being a virgin ,I noticed almost right away I was sore down there, and there was blood. I havent gone to the police, I didnt tell anyone. The only person who knows is my now boyfriend. Even then I couldnt tell him, I just handed him my diary and left him for a few days. If I didnt have the night terrors of my ex beating me and forcing me , I wouldnt have told him. Its been years. I should be over this right? I have no memory of what happend with losing my virginity but I dream of it. I dream of being there, feeling the pain and having no control or strength in my body to move. I dont know what happened. But its all coming to me and I have no idea what to do, how to cope. I just want to forget. I was doing fine, but now if any one even yells near me I panic, I start crying ,tensing and I just want to drop to the floor and cover my head. My boyfriend now has been really supportive ,but pushing me to talk to a professional or at least get him charged. I just cant do it, soon as I go to do something I freeze and I panic ,what happens if he gets away with it, and gets angry again. Or if he finds me. I dont know what to do, but between the event being replayed in my dreams over and over I just cant sleep, I am getting paranoid hes going to be angry with me telling my bf. I should be over this. Its been 6 years. I dont know if I want advice or just to rant. I feel like Im going crazy

Lexo My New story about sexual abuse! Trigger alert.
  • replies: 4

Im new to BB and I feel its time I share my story. Im pleased to feel a mutual respect from people on here already. It means a lot.Growing up by age 5, my mum and dad got divorced, the break up was ugly, dad had become moody and I witnessed violence ... View more

Im new to BB and I feel its time I share my story. Im pleased to feel a mutual respect from people on here already. It means a lot.Growing up by age 5, my mum and dad got divorced, the break up was ugly, dad had become moody and I witnessed violence towards mum.Fast forward two years, mum had met another man and he had moved in. 'John' and mum hit it off, John moving in not too long after that. John had a son Rick who was 12, I was 7 or 8. Things moved so quickly at that stage, Rick was staying most weekend, we got along really well always on our bikes and kicking the footy. I did notice that Rick was a bit of a bully though, he would order me around. I didnt really care much he was older so I was ok with it, I looked up to him. I felt relieved for my mum that she was back to being happy after that divorce. Now Rick was a 12 year old but he was 5'10 huge for his age, one night while in the same bedroom but seperate beds, Rick kept asking me questions about sex.I was 7, I had no idea and got embarassed. Rick persisted and he told me he wanted to show me things, I didnt know what to do. I became uncomfortable yet curious "what was he doing with himself"? He said I needed to keep this a secret if any one found out his Dad would send him back Perth. Then he abused me. I was too young confused and scared at what just happened. Mum and 'John' got married, Rick was almost over every weekend, he did as he wished for two long years until 'John,' mums new husband suicided. No warnings, no suicide note. My poor Mum, Rick had just lost his Dad. The abuse stopped. My bioloigcal Dad is gone, my step Dad is gone and my step brother who I still looked up to had gone. I felt abandoned and ashamed. I'm 31 now I managed lock my past away for some time but I knew I was damaged goods. I tried my best to lead a normal life but my brain shut down. Depression, PTSD and anxiety took over. Im taking anti-depressants which have side effects. I have a really good GP and admitted to him my past for the first time, I didnt get out of bed for three days after that. I know I can beat my darkness to a point. My innocence was robbed. I hope this helps somene out there! Ill be here for you! Thanks