Hope for warriors with PTSD

[Amia]

Hello Everyone

I'm 24 years of age, I'm a manager at a telco, I love to read and write fantasy books, and I have Bipolar type 1, OCD and PTSD.

Rewind back 8 years ago and uttering that last sentence would be horrific. I feel no shame anymore. Its hard, and life altering but I always look for the silverlining. Like many people living with PTSD diagnosis is the easy part, treating it and facing it is the hard part.

To cut a very long and gruesome story short, my Mum is diagnosed Bipolar Type 1 (wonder where I get it from haha) she suffered a lot of domestic abuse and left my Dad (aka the catalyst) when I was 5 years old, I don't blame her for that, if she'd stayed she would of comitted suicide, she had her own long journey to follow, and she's now my greatest friend.

My dad is a controlling, manipulative and abusive man. My whole life was emotional and mental abuse, his goal to isolate and dominate. My first panic attacks started to happen when most kids go to their first slumber party. I cleaned and cooked as soon as I could reach the benchtop (inclusive of a little red chair to stand upon). The house was covered in plastic, plastic couch (that we couldn't even sit on) plastic walk ways so we couldn't touch the carpet, one wrong step and all hell would break loose.

But I loved him, he was all we had, for better or for worse. And each day it got worse.

When I was 15 my brother left for the Navy and the sexual assault started.It went like that for 2 years, each time after I fought back he'd make me apologise for making him feel like a pedophile, so I stopped fighting, it felt better then having to apologise.

I went to to get diagnosed when I was 20, I no longer wanted to be a victim, I wanted to be a hero.

So I fought, through mania and depression and med side effects, I was doing better. I would never be cured but I could handle it, I had handled worse.

PTSD started at age 22, it'd been years since he'd touched me (he'd gotten remarried) I lived out of home with my boyfriend, I thought I was safe. But the nightmares and flashbacks came anyway.

So I fought, I confronted my Dad and I tried to reassemble my life again and I have, it's still a battle day every day but its worth it, I get to see my boyfriends loving smile, my brother engaged with two beautiful kids of his own, lifes worth it.

So next time you wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat, take the images you saw, write them down, and recreate your own story, slay the beast!

[Croix]

Dear Amia~

Welcome. I've read a couple of your other posts elsewhere and now read this one here where you introduce yourself.

As with those others this is measured, very sensible and most encouraging. A pleasure to read - and take heart from.

The example given by people that have come to terms with their setbacks and forge ahead successfully are a call to the very many here who are suffering too.

As a person with PTSD and all the usual related ailments I can relate to part -but only part - of your journey (I was a policeman) . There will be very more who find a much closer match with your experiences.

I hope you continue to post, and although you sound very on top of things and focused, that you gain from being here too.

BTW I really like your avatar - Courtney Brims?

Croix

[MarkJT]

Amia, much respect and one hell of an amazing post.

Like you I live with PTSD, depression and anxiety brought on by glaringly different ways and also like you I am well advanced in my recovery. Just love the words you have typed. They show that you can recover, you can live and you can smile again.

What you went through is something that no one should ever ever go through but you made that choice to beat it. Brilliant brilliant work!!

So many people are going to read your post and you will give them the knowledge that they can also live again, not just survive but to live. So much power within your words.

Interested to know though, what kind of clinical treatment did you have? EMDR? Exposure therapy? or the good old just talk about it heaps? I did exposure and talked about it. Anyone who wanted to hear about it, you couldn't shut me up.

Great that you are here on the forums, you are a beacon of light in what is a world of so much darkness.

Mark.

[Starwolf]

Hello Amia, good to meet you.

Thank you for your uplifting thread. Here at BB, there is a long list of people suffering PTSD. Your message of hope will be much appreciated.

A positive, proactive attitude like yours is a major asset on the road towards healing. You are indeed a hero. You are entitled to wear your scars -not as something to be ashamed of- but as badges of honour.

My own life has been an endless series of traumas. Abuse allsorts, violent deaths and accidents, lost battles against a corrupt system etc...It has been a hell of a rocky road from victim to warrior but I can now see that every trauma came with a gift. Something that helps gain self-awareness and can be used to the benefit of others.

I totally agree with you. Our responses are heavily conditioned by our past experiences. This happens at a subconscious level but there is no reason why this programming should be carried as burden into the rest of our life. As you pointed out, we can consciously work on rewriting the story to give it interesting, positive developments and a happy ending.

Kindest thoughts.

[Guest_9809]

Thankyou Amia for posting. I too live with PTSD - I know the feeling of being in a constantly high state of anxiety, the incessant nightmares and occasional flashbacks. Your story is inspirational and gives me, and I expect many others suffering the effects of PTSD, hope that things can improve. "Slay the beast" .... indeed! I will try.

Thankyou Amia and I hope you can stick around, as your positivity is like a breath of fresh air.

Taurus xx

[Amia]

Hi Mark,

Thank You for your kind words, but I can't say I've been completely selfless here. One thing that has always helped me during my worst times is to help others. So instead of letting my mental illness allow me to feel helpless and worthless it gives me purpose. Knowledge that there are people out there, not only friends, coworkers and family but strangers going through the same ordeal I went through with that weight of not knowing what to do or who to turn to or the worst thought of all thinking it's all in their head, truly drives me, refocuses me. So as I talk to other people about all the reasons they should fight, I remind myself why I should continue as well.

As odd as this may sound, and as much as I didn't see it this way when I was young, I'm truly fortunate that I grew up from a young age with a firm knowledge of mental illness, it was everywhere in my my family.

Not only that but My Mum had been through physical, emotional and sexual abuse as well during her childhood and adulthood.

I had practically diagnosed myself at age 14, knew the effects drugs good have on your psyche so steered away. But I didn't begin to see a psychologist and psychiatrist until the age of 20, because up until then I truly viewed mental illness as a weakness and diagnosis was allowing yourself to be a victim. I held a lot of resentment towards my Mum for leaving due to her mental illness and therefore it was my fear to be diagnosed.

It wasn't until I realised I was allowing myself to be the victim (i wanted to die at this time) by not being diagnosed that I sought to change and speak to professionals and be diagnosed.

For me personally all I did was talk about it, I have an amazing psychiatrist and psychologist (it took a few tries to find the ones perfect for me, but the wait was worth it), finding an ally within my Mum, who now understands me in ways that nobody else could (she is my advantage and I won't ever deny that), and finding passions in reading and writing. Especially writing, I can still now suffer from really bad PTSD and all I have to do is spend an hour or two forming it into something different, something I can control and suddenly an image or nightmare that used to traumatize me becomes something completely different.

I'm curious about exposure therapy, what is it/involves?

[Amia]

Hi Criox,

First of all thank you for your service. I know that sounds like such a cop out (see what I did there?) But my brother spent 7 years in the Navy being exposed to some of the most horrific images I could ever imagine in order to protect us. I will never have nothing but respect for people in similar fields. Especially someone who has then suffered and fought against PTSD thereafter. So thank you.

As I said to Mark, it most definitely isn't a selfless deed. I've always found helping others, being open with others has allowed me during great times of doubt and fear to regain purpose. I felt terribly alone during the worst of my illness and abuse, and if I can change that even to the degree of one small smile from one stranger, and that one small small smile sets off a little spark that helps reignite the will to fight, then I'm also reminding myself why to always continue to fight, to never give up.

Ah Courtney Brim, a love affair to last the ages haha I've been in love with her artwork for as well as I can remember. Funnily enough I've redrawn her pictures more times then I can count during times of great anxiety to help my hands to stop from shaking.

Most of her artwork reminds me of mental illness in some way, exaggerated obviously but that's what it feel like to have a mental illness, normal emotions and reactions have been turned up to the highest level.

Ive always told people who've come to me saying they need a distraction from their own mind to find a hobby in the arts (most things can be construed as an art realistically) and it's because art, whether it be drawing, painting, reading, writing, cooking give them the temporary relief of normalcy, if that makes any sense.

Anyway (I easily get side tracked haha enough thing I've learned to love about mental illess) thank you for your kind words, I've read quite a few threads and have seen your name quite regularly, 565 times to be precise, and I have to take my hat off to you, it's people like you that have inspired me, continue your great work

[Amia]

Dearest Starwolf,

Thank You, it's incredibly warming to know that someone from similar circumstances has the same outlook on things.

Reading the threads on here almost broke my heart, I knew I couldn't possibly reply to them all, well I could but this would be more time efficient.

I was regularly saved in my darkest moments by reading, because of how I was raised it wasn't easy for me to be open up or to seek help so I would try to find it. There's no doubt in my mind that there would be others in the same situation now.

I found that a lot of the threads had the same kind of base, they didn't know if this would end, if talking would help, how to get help, or they purely just wanted to share their experience and get rid of the weight bared down on them for keeping it secret

I thought by starting this thread some of their questions would already be answered, then people who went through similar experiences to me or feelings would be able to find answers, ask questions and therefore find hope again.

I absolutely love the line you wrote

"A positive, proactive attitude like yours is a major asset on the road towards healing. You are indeed a hero. You are entitled to wear your scars -not as something to be ashamed of- but as badges of honour". As much as I'm in the process of healing, it's still important for me, and anyone going through the same thing to hear this, so thank you.

[Amia]

Hello Taurus,

I once drew a picture for my friend who was really struggling with his home life, we were 17 at the time, I had so many issues of my own I didn't know how to support him with words when I couldn't support myself.

So I drew a picture of a phoenix rising from the ashes and underneath wrote "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.....choose to stand for yourself".

I didn't really understand why I'd chosen to draw him that or write that. But I realise now that the Phoenix through death and turmoil still rises up, it soars in great red flame, lighting up the world.

Thats how I choose to view myself, as the Phoenix, and after years of not fighting back (I know that I couldn't have at the time, I have truly come to terms with that) I will always fight, and I will live, and I will do it for myself.

PTSD is hard, right when you think you have a handle on things it will knock you on your arse.

Try to find the things you have been given through PTSD. I know it's difficult, but I've come to realise that my love of reading, writing, my compassion, empathy and larger perspective (more then most newly 24 year olds anyway) all stems from my mental illness. I am also not to modest to admit that I have helped so many people, and the letters they have written me in thanks are my most treasured items. Because after years of being told I was worthless, stupid and an object I have shown myself that I am so much more.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that my mental illness is my best friend and I want to take it for a drink sometime, but take it in your stride. For everything that has been inflicted on you, you have become a stronger, greater more compassionate person, it has made you into a phoenix, a warrior. That knowledge makes it a bit easier to overcome.

And when all else fails remember there will always be people to support you xx

[MarkJT]

Amia, from you have written i think that we are PTSD twins. Pretty much how you recovered is in line with how I did. I hit it head on and if someone wanted to listen to me talk about it, you could not shut me up.

Had a brilliant psychologist who i bonded with very quickly and she led me through exposure therapy. For me though, my PTSD is purely visual so not sure how exposure would work if someone had physical abuse.

So with exposure, I sat and told the psych all about my triggering incident and she would ask "suds" every so often. Suds is your subjective level of stress. One being very calm and ten being extremely distressed. You do this with your eyes open. I told her everything i remember about it and it does get quite hard.

Once I finished with the story, I composed myself (got to about a 6 or so on the scale) and then i was asked to do it again, this time with my eyes closed. Well the things you can remember when your eyes are closed is incredible. I immediately went to about an 8. Go through the story again and finish it. Obviously enormously mentally draining and you get quite emotional from it.

Once this was done, I did it again and then again the following week and again for a few more weeks with various other incidents i attended.

The theory is that the more you talk about it and remember it, the less power the images have.

I used to have nightmares and horrible flashbacks but I have not had a nightmare for years and although i still regularly flashback, they cause me no stress as the power was taken out of the images.

The best way i explain it, if you hated horror movies and I put on one and forced you to watch it, the first time would be no good but if i forced you to watch it 20 times, you wouldn't be phased by it because you have seen it so many times.

I was very lucky as i think it only works on around 30-35% of people and i was in that category. So it is important not to put all the eggs in one basket so to speak.

I am very thankful that i had such a talented psych that led me through it.

Hard thing to do, absolutely....was it worth it...absolutely.

Mark.