Hope for warriors with PTSD

[Amia]

Hello Everyone

I'm 24 years of age, I'm a manager at a telco, I love to read and write fantasy books, and I have Bipolar type 1, OCD and PTSD.

Rewind back 8 years ago and uttering that last sentence would be horrific. I feel no shame anymore. Its hard, and life altering but I always look for the silverlining. Like many people living with PTSD diagnosis is the easy part, treating it and facing it is the hard part.

To cut a very long and gruesome story short, my Mum is diagnosed Bipolar Type 1 (wonder where I get it from haha) she suffered a lot of domestic abuse and left my Dad (aka the catalyst) when I was 5 years old, I don't blame her for that, if she'd stayed she would of comitted suicide, she had her own long journey to follow, and she's now my greatest friend.

My dad is a controlling, manipulative and abusive man. My whole life was emotional and mental abuse, his goal to isolate and dominate. My first panic attacks started to happen when most kids go to their first slumber party. I cleaned and cooked as soon as I could reach the benchtop (inclusive of a little red chair to stand upon). The house was covered in plastic, plastic couch (that we couldn't even sit on) plastic walk ways so we couldn't touch the carpet, one wrong step and all hell would break loose.

But I loved him, he was all we had, for better or for worse. And each day it got worse.

When I was 15 my brother left for the Navy and the sexual assault started.It went like that for 2 years, each time after I fought back he'd make me apologise for making him feel like a pedophile, so I stopped fighting, it felt better then having to apologise.

I went to to get diagnosed when I was 20, I no longer wanted to be a victim, I wanted to be a hero.

So I fought, through mania and depression and med side effects, I was doing better. I would never be cured but I could handle it, I had handled worse.

PTSD started at age 22, it'd been years since he'd touched me (he'd gotten remarried) I lived out of home with my boyfriend, I thought I was safe. But the nightmares and flashbacks came anyway.

So I fought, I confronted my Dad and I tried to reassemble my life again and I have, it's still a battle day every day but its worth it, I get to see my boyfriends loving smile, my brother engaged with two beautiful kids of his own, lifes worth it.

So next time you wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat, take the images you saw, write them down, and recreate your own story, slay the beast!

[Croix]

Dear Amia~

There is one other thing I did want to say to you, and frankly I ducked saying it in my initial greeting, and only hinted instead, as I did not want you to think I was in any way belittling your achievements, which are outstanding.

In my own experience I have had times when I'm on top of things, but occasionally I'm not.

I can imagine someone first coming to the Forum and presenting a competent and accomplished image, to then find it hard, if life throws up a setback, to post as one in need instead.

Please, whatever your state, never be reluctant to post. There will always be understanding and feeling.

​My apologies if this message is unwarranted.

Incidentally I quite agree about those images (and find the tiny drop of blood quite appropriate).

My best wishes,

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I forgot to ask - brain in energy saver mode again - what sort of reading? I'm particularly partial to SF/S Fantasy, a favorite author being L.E.Modesitt Jr.

-C

[Amia]

Hi Criox,

I think one of the most important things anyone with a mental illness should accept is the fact one day you can feel as though you have complete control over your mental illness, but the next its like world war 3 in your head.

There's no cure for my mental illness, and I accepted that a little over a year ago. It was difficult but a leason I had to learn in order for my depression not to become worse because I feel as though I'd failed.

Instead Ive learnt to be proud of the fact that I can now identify the signs of when I'm getting ill, and need to get myself to the doctor.

I still struggle with my mental health on a near daily basis, I've just accepted and somewhat embraced the fact, which makes it more manageable.

And one of the reasons it is so manageable is because I talk about it, incessantly.

Im quite thankful that you've responded the way you have and didn't 'duck' the topic because it's really important for people in a community like this one to be as open as possible.

I joined bluevoices to kind of have a security blanket. I can openly speak and help people when I'm well without judgement but also by the time I'm ill again I will have hopefully built a place that I can find solice in, as when your ill it's very hard not to feel alone.

Fact of the matter is, I was only diagnosed 4 years ago, my relationship with my dad only stopped a year ago. I still have a lot of healing to go through, and from there growth, and I'm thankful that I'll have people like you I can speak to that about, it's incredibly comforting.

Your message was most definitely not unwarranted, rather the opposite. One of the things I still need to work on as it frustates my support network to no end, is appearing strong in times of great need (a side affect of having a father like mine). Don't get me wrong, everything I've stated above is true, my positivity and resilience has gotten me through more hard times then I can count. But one of the reasons I joined blue voices is so that I have somewhere I can be open with completely thats not just my Mum, psychiatrist or psychologist (as great as they are). I really want to be able to be more open with my partner during times that I'm struggling and this feels like a doorway to me.

I absoutely adore Robin Hobb, Patrick Rothfuss and more recently Brandon Sanderson. I've never heard of L.E.Modesitt Jr I'll have to have a look at some of his work.

Do you find reading helps you when you're not coping?

[Croix]

Dear Amia~
I’m very glad you took my post the way you did – as I said I hesitated.

That’s nothing personal; I regard all here as fragile butterflies (myself included). As you can appreciate butterflies can have great endurance and can perform amazing feats, however one unkind blow - a mere unlucky raindrop – can badly injure.

From my perspective 4 years is not long, thought I realize that was only the diagnosis, not the onset of the illness. Feel free to talk, either giving advice or in need, just as much as you would like. We listen with care, have patience and have talked ourselves many times too.

On talking, and leaving the serious conversations here – should you have the time and wish to do so pop over to:

BB Social Zone / Croix Parler

There I talk with others about books, movies, music, anything Arts related. From Nausea to Temple, 12 Angry Men to MicMacs, Paint it Black to Summertime Sadness. It’s an escape, to get to know others and store up a list of interesting things to distract.

One contributor even tries out his Welsh –GKW. One could certainly include the visual arts if one is that way inclined.

I’d be interested in your views. I have my own on Robin Hobb, and you might like to mention Patrick Rothfuss & Brandon Sanderson in more detail.

Yes, I found and still find reading a godsend when not coping.

My best wishes,

Croix

[MarkJT]

Amia, your insight into your own mental health is clearly well advanced and that will hold you in great stead when you recognise that you are having a bad day or two. Sharpening your skills is paramount and one of the main turning points for me was when i was able to actively identify my triggers and when i am triggered, for the most part, I can control them. There are still times where i have to "tactically retreat" as I know the trigger far outweighs my ability to control it but I am happy that i can identify when that happens.

You most certainly have a place where you can come, not be judged and receive support. For me i liken it to peer support. You know sometimes i just want to chat about things rather than being analysed by a psych. Clinical treatment is critical, no doubting that, but as said, sometimes i just want to chat. This place allows that with zero judgement.

I would so love to read but my concentration is still so completely blown that i can't. Bugger....something to keep working on i suppose!!

Mark.