(Trigger warning: sexual abuse) Full of anger, confusion and depression - and I am not the one having to deal with the real problems

[Sir_Duke]

I am angry! Angry at my partner's parents for being so hopeless and compounding the problems that my beautiful partner, S, is facing up to and dealing with.

S had a horrible childhood at the hands of her brother who bullied, physically assaulted, intimidated and generally made her life hell from the age of 9. Her parents also bore witness to his wrath and were themselves assaulted and threatened with violence - even a knife. The police were called to their house on 5 occasions, by their neighbours, during his explosive 'episodes', (never by them though as the Mother would not allow such a thing to be done -BTW she is a psychiatrist wet dream with compound issues of delusional behaviour, egotism, eating disorders, etc. and has caused her own level of trauma to S through her self-serving emotional bullying- and yes S's mother was abused as a child too).

Over the past 2 years S's emotional state has deteriorated. Despite a very comfortable lifestyle with everything one could want S has been wrestling with her past and the repressed monster inside of her finally broke out. Fortunately we got to a safe place so S could seek treatment. It transpires that S was also sexually abused on several occasions by her brother - commencing at the age of 9.

She didn't tell her parents at the time and they now show no interest in hearing what she has/needs to say or facing up to the reality of what happened. S has been admitted to the clinic twice and I fear she will need to go back again soon as I simply can't keep her safe from herself. I have tried to tell her parents that she needs them to hear her and what she has to say. There is simply no way that they couldn't have put 2 and 2 together and worked out that their son raped their daughter! She has told them that her brother, physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused her and that is why she is going into hospital for treatment but their response is 'it happened in the past - there is no benefit to reliving it all -you need to get over it!'

She is being so brave to face up to her past and work through it - and I know she can be successful - but the additional layer of her parents dismissing it, not supporting her and worse still not wanting to believe her, might be more than she can manage.

I am doing everything I can to support. I am scared for her and I am so angry at her parents - I want to blurt it all out to them but know it is not my place to do so. I just want what's best for S.

[Quiettall]

Hi Sir Duke

I empathise with you totally. I would be angry as well, and would find it very difficult to not spill the beans. However, the first and most important thing is to support your partner. She needs all the loving and care she can get from you. That might be spending lots of time as she downloads. It might be going out of your way to make her feel valued. It is also a possibility you could attend with her to see a professional to deal with her problems. You might be able to attend, not to hear all the nitty gritty details, but to understand how best you can help her through the struggle and keep her as best you can on a positive path

You also need to be careful not to get sucked into your own negative emotional trauma through it, and so having a chat or two with a professional could help. Posting here is also good as there are others who are more qualified and experienced in these things than I am, who can support and advise you further. This website also has lots of good reading material that you might find helpful

One good thing is that at least she reaches out and seems to trust and respect you....that is the second most important thing you can work to enhance for her.

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Sir Duke

My (then) in-laws don't believe in doctors, and by extension thereto neither does the x-wife. The X refused to speak to a counselor when things got bad, said that they were quacks that just took money and did nothing (based on her parents ideals). When X found out one of our children was seeing a psychologist/therapist tried to convince them that they were wasting their time and money; she even went so far as to threaten to throw them out if they continued. That was too much/ too far for me, so I stood between them and told X that I will always support the welfare of my children, with whatever therapies produce results, and if someone needs to leave ... well... it'll be her.

The best thing you can do for someone who needs help, and has a parent who lives in denial, is to be supportive and trustworthy in all things for them. Trustworthy in that I always use the newspaper test: meaning if I didn't want to read about me doing that in the newspaper, I don't do it.

Where it may not be your place to blurt it out to her parents, as her partner it is your place to protect her from all who would cause her harm -- and that includes her parents.

SB

[pipsy]

Hey Sir Duke. I hear the anger and pain in your voice. The feeling of anger and helplessness, that you can't take away your partners hurt. Her parents pain and anguish that they did nothing to stop the continued abuse is something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. I was similarly treated as a child. My sibling freely abused and intimidated me at will too. Your MIL being a victim herself possibly couldn't protect your partner because to do something would've meant stepping out of her 'comfort zone'. Their reluctance/refusal to hear anything now about the past is simply and solely because, to them, you can't change what happened. Hearing the truth, even though they're probably aware of it, means facing the fact that they didn't protect S and they possibly feel guilty for not protecting her. My mother knew about my assault, and covered and protected my brother. My brother was similar to your BIL and had my parents totally under control with his unpredictable and volatile nature. Hearing about what happened is going tear S's family apart and could do more damage. I understand what you're saying, but reopening wounds is counter-productive and S just needs to know for now, you love her unconditionally and will always protect and love her. Keep her safe from her parents and brother and let her know she is innocent and did not cause any of the assaults. Rape and incest victims often self blame because the abuser blames the victim. Help her work through it and try not force the issue with her parents as this will cause more damage. Her parents simply can't deal with it yet. Only time will tell if they ever will. In the meantime, be there for S, she's the important one in your life.

Lynda

[Sir_Duke]

Thank you Quiettall, SubduedBlues & Pipsy.

You all said exactly what I know to be right - However I wish you had all said 'confront the parents, scream and shout at them and get the police involved' - I battle daily not to do that for the sake of S.

I have attended several pysch sessions with S and helped her to start to unload her burden. She describes it as a monster that is hiding in a box in the pit of her stomach, where it took up residence when she was 9. Over the years this monster has fed on her negative emotions, making her do things and behave in destructive ways so it can feed. It has now got so big that it is pushing itself out of the box and taking over the rest of her body and life. She is no longer able to keep it locked away and pretend it isn't there - it pesters her every day and needs to get out.

We are planning to get S back to the clinic so she can start to purge the beast - she needs to be in a safe environment where she can be monitored and sedated as required. The last time she was in the clinic she finally managed to verbalise to her pysch what had happened to her - it was horrific to watch, the sadness and sorrow was excruciating - even the pysch seemed taken aback. On the first night she returned home S had an extremely graphic nightmare - shouting and screaming, when I woke her from it she realised she had wet the bed, something that she told me had happened a couple of times in hospital.

I understand that this is all part of the healing process and the pain will get worse before it gets better and I know together we will make things better - although I doubt it will ever go away completely - how could it? The sad thing is that by having her parents hear, understand and believe what she has endured will take away a huge amount of pain will speed the healing process up but they resolutely don't want to confront it.

S's mother said 'all you will do is cause trauma to us - how could you at our age, deal with it and move on' - she has said a lot of stupid things in the time I have known her but this is the most selfish, uncaring to date - and there has been a lot!

Neither of us blame them about what happened - the blame can only lay with her brother but I do blame them for the way they are behaving now. They have a chance to help repair but would rather stick their heads in the sand and condemn their daughter to another level of pain and anguish by not listening. Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

[Amia]

Firstly I want to thank you. I'm also a child of sexual assault, from the hands my Dad though and the ones in denial were my brother and my Dads family (which were my main support network as my Mum left when I was young). My partner went through and is still going through the same ordeal you are. There are no words to describe what its like to have a partner support and believe you after everyone else you've loved has failed you. She has the start of a great support network in you, just make sure you have a support network as well as this kind of pressure can affect your own mental health.

Secondly it takes time, I didn't suffer or really admit what my father had done to me until I was in a safe relationship with my partner. Thats when my PTSD got completely triggerd. My psychologists says its because after years of being in survival mode just living day by day once i was in a safe zone with my partner all the memories hiding in my subconcious came into full affect.

From there my partner took me to see my psychologist and psychiatrist regularly and we together came to the conclusion that I needed to confront my dad and let go of the relationship if he wasn't willing to admit what he'd inflicted.

He wasn't so I let go of the relationship, which was difficult because for all the scars he'd inflicted on me, due to deep manipulation and forced guilt I still felt responsible for him.

But the worst came when people I truly loved and thought supported me, called me a liar or didn't want to hear what I had to say, which sounds like your beautiful partners parents.

The fact that I still had a relationship with my father and my family used to anger my partner on so many different levels, understandably. But I wasn't mentally ready yet to confront them.

It took 2 years of psychologist appointment and psychiatrist appointments for me to be ready, and unfortunately for my partner all he could do was wait and hold my hand.

When the time comes, some distance from her parents during this time would be the most beneficial. I highly suggest you two see her psychologist together and speak about whether you should make her parents listen to her, because that's what she needs to be able to move on with her life, or she needs to let go of her relationship with her parents, which I know is a lot easier said then done but may be the most beneficial thing for her health.

I truly wish the best for you and your partner

Feel free to ask any questions

-Amia