I'm new here. Call me Jimmi. No expectations. Give what I can recieve what comes my way.

[JimmiD]

The title says it all. So hi to everyone.

Yep...I'm in pain. Not Robinson Crusoe there hey. I don't have a 'victim mentality' but I do recognise that I am a victim...a victim of many things. I've always been a fighter but I'm not invincible...tho maybe once I thought I was. I have given everything my best shot...and done well all things considered. I have reached a point...or maybe the point has reached me...where I am not capable of giving it anywhere near what used to be my best shot....but for now its the best I can do. I really don't know if that will be enough. That's why I'm here. I need support. And I will give that too...as much as I am capable of giving. It will never be as much as I used to. But one needs to reserve love and energy for oneself and not deplete it to their own detriment...as I have in the past.

So Hi all and I wish you all the very best

Jimmi

[Wednesday]

Hi Jimmy,

Nice to meet on the forum. Sometimes life is tough this is a great place to come and let it all hang out, no judgements and lots of support. There are many varied people with lots of experiences to help out too.

Do you want to tell us what is happening for you at the moment? It sounds like you have hit rough spot and the past is haunting you. You are right of course as they say on the airplanes put your own mask on first before helping others.

Just in case you haven't noticed there is also the chatline 1300 22 4636 available 24/7.

Take care and come and chat anytime.

[monkey_magic]

Hi jimmiD,

I can relate to what you are saying so thankyou for posting.I'm sure a lot of us have felt like this.

So,it sounds like you're a loving,wounded man,sorry that its come to this but I think you can crawl,walk,run to & out the other side even stronger.

To rebuild I'd suggest getting out in nature,finding hug buddies,swimming, reading,laughing, screaming,meditating... other things you might think will help...

You definitely need to come first now,animals can help heal.

You could write it all down..??

I personally swim in the ocean,walk a lot,gym,read, listen to music.

You could talk to lifeline about it ( free call 13 11 14) or the beyond blue line, or write it here.

Congrats on all that you've done to get to this point,sounds like you've done a lot for others.

Hope lots of others give you the support thay you need as well.

[JimmiD]

Hey Wednesday

Thanks for your kind support.

I used the BB chat line today. It was good.

Ive one or two close people I turn to.

Hit a rough spot! Ah, with all its light and shade, life has been a constant rough spot. But rough isn't so bad. It rounds you like waves washing against a rock. I appreciate it and wouldn't change it if I could.

Life is one fantastic and exciting journey. The ups are as good and as valuable as the downs. Acceptance is a good thing. Contentment is the ultimate good thing to strive for. This is my perspective. I would never have come this far without that mentality.

Yes I have loved and helped a lot of people. Its my nature. Learning to love me has been a difficult journey. Not fully accomplished yet. I'm working on it and have been for a long time.

I love the line in old movie The Wizard of Oz where the wizard gives the Tinman his token heart (he always had one really) and says "the measure of your heart is not how much you love but how much you are loved by others". I think if you score well on that then contentment can't be too far away!

But all that is the hard work of living and loving.

I also like to just 'BE'. I can easily sit on a rock facing the ocean and just be!

What's happening for me at the moment...

• I'm living and breathing. That's good
• I keep getting up when knocked down
• The past has always haunted me. But its the past. The present is tough but its the present and I do what I can...or I don't do. I choose. The future hasn't happened but I still dream and hope.
• I live with depression and anxiety. I get professional and personal help. I take medications. I've been alcohol free for one month...Yay!!!
• I'm concerned and unsure about my symptoms! An involuntary shroud falls on me stealing my thoughts almost before I think them. I get confused, vague, scrambled thoughts. It comes upon me even when I am totally 'up' and motivated. I feel it as it begins. Im unable to prevent it from happening or worsening to the point where I am totally crippled mentally (not emotionally). Its like someone has plugged a vacuum to my head and is sucking out my brain. I have to fight to catch my thoughts and focus them. I am living with this day after day after day. It wont go away. Of all difficulties I have faced in life I could easily feel this is my nemesis. I need to know what it is so I can beat it.

• Ive fought hard and continue to do so!

This took a lot of effort!

[JimmiD]

Hi Steph

Thank you for your support and suggestions.

Your suggestions tick all the boxes for me and are all part of my lifestyle.

Please read my reply to Wednesday for a little more insight to my current dilemma.

I have yet to find out about the monster I am dealing with so I can drag it out of its dank cave into the light of day where I can deal with it.

I have a referral to see a neuropsych...at my request because tho anxiety and depression are obviously involved...much of the time there are no conscious triggers apart from the 'condition' itself. In other words, I don't go around consciously worrying about potential disasters or what could go wrong. I can be in the most positive of moods and totally motivated, with no negative thoughts or worries...and whammo...it hits me and it hits me hard. It stops me from living my life and its hugely frustrating and distressing.

Steph, thank you...of course I will crawl (if that's all I can do) my way 'out to the other side'. Life is for living. I will always do my best at that and never give up!

I don't know the reasons you are here. But I wish you well and I am always able to support as well as accept support.

Take care and thank you 🙂

[geoff]

hi Jimmi, great for you to join the site.
To stop drinking with all of this going on is an enormous achievement, and each day many things will happen, but once you are suffering from any type of depression the ups and downs become excessive and that's why we can never seem to understand what the hell is going on and even if you can feel as though you can maintain your life but then suddenly your defence breaks down and that's why it hits you so hard.
You appear to have a persistent and a determined personality, but this doesn't mean that you won't break down, because it's all too confusing for you to know why, but then does anybody ever know why they get depression or what was the spark that started it to happen.
One good way to learn about this illness is to help and listen to what other people are suffering from, because their journey could be very similar to yours, but they could say something which you had not thought of, that's how we learn and get our experience. Geoff.

[monkey_magic]

Jimmy u asked the reason I'm here well because I didn't want to be here - on this earth.

So I started writing some of my life on these pages.

I went through a lot of things & wanted some support .

I went through emotional abuse & have been feeling numb/lifeless & I cry a lot because of past circumstances.

Been told I suffer from PTSD,depression & stress.

[JimmiD]

Hey Geoff

Thank you.

You just reminded me of resilience. Yeah...I haven't thought of that for a while. I have broken many times. But I have withstood plenty and I am strong. Strength is a huge asset...but true strength lies in being resilient and not so 'strong' that you cant bend in the wind. So being supple and bendable is so much stronger than being rigid and unbendable. That's a good reminder for me. I came across this on Pinterest yesterday.. 'I have mastered the art of bouncing back. Now to master the art of not having to.' Now that is the next step in being resilient and in loving oneself. A good old Zen favourite of mine is.. 'The tighter you squeeze water the quicker it runs through your fingers'. Another good reminder and its the same principle. So I am going to gently cup the water in my hands today and definitely wont be trying to bounce back.

I don't believe that depression, anxiety or any other mental health/health issue is a sentence. I recently witnessed an older man suffering terrible depression and grief over the loss of his lifelong partner turn around his wish to die. He started living again. There is no use 'living at the bottom of a grave' (Jimmi Hendrix) when there is still so much living to do.

Depression and anxiety have been present in my life since childhood. I also witnessed my mother constantly suffering with the same and more. She was taken off to psych wards most of her life. I eventually discovered her body after she died alone in her locked up home. Well I find comfort in knowing that she is in a better place somewhere out there in the universe.

Im still here. I have been resilient. The rigidness and rigorous demands of working in the helping and caring professions has influenced burn out for me numerous times...despite all the self care practices in the world. Fact is...I cared too much!

So caring for me has to be my first priority now. Im learning. And I have always encouraged that in others. Time for more self-practice.

From the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success and the mud of daily living feeds the roots of the spiritual flower. I am reminded of this today. Your comment about breaking was very poignant for me.

Having the totally involuntary feeling of your thoughts being vacuumed out of your head before you can catch them is totally scary and distressing. But its another day. Its now. Yesterday is behind me. The sun shines and the sky is blue.

[JimmiD]

Hey Steph. Thanks again for your reply.

Its not for me to comment on the successes of your journey. That's your domain and you are the best assessor of that. You are here up on your two feet and living. Hey so am I and everyone else who uses this site. So congrats to us all!

Amongst other things I am an artist . .a painter and illustrator. I love the idea that life is my canvass. One of my favourite mediums is black acrylic. There has to be black in my art. It brings so much emphasis to the colours I also apply. And there also has to be pure white. It brings emphasis to the black and the colours. Which one is better. Answer...none...they are all equally valuable in my art and in my life. The beauty of this is that my canvas is a celebration of me and the life Ive lived. Its reflects the black, the white, and the colour. I love texture. Rough and smooth. My canvas has plenty of that. The people, creatures, places, experiences, ups, downs, highs, lows, laughter, tears, struggles, dreams, and so much more that I have encountered in life find expression in the colours and textures of my canvas ..... the me I am. I love my canvas. Its exciting. And I can colour it any time I choose to with any colour I want to splash onto it. I could end up with a totally black canvas at some stage but I would never settle for that. I would have to add just one little circle or square of pure white. Black just doesn't work without that.

I am going to add some colour today. Hmmm...what will it be? I must get the creative juices flowing and see what transpires. Throw some colour on if you like. Our individual artworks are all part of the same larger piece. So paint away. Just tell me what colour or texture you use.

Let me know if you would like a splash or two on yours. I have buckets of paint just waiting to go!

Or...do the painting yourself. Are there any fine lines or details you would like to add? Today is as good a day as any...so go for it!

Steph, humans and all creatures suffer from this or that. We humans make it all far too complex. Our mainstream society does not encourage or value self care all that much. Its individualistic, narcissistic, materialistic and competitive. Who gives!!!

My own little part of the planet...wherever I am standing or sitting or anything else is my nation. It can be as caring and loving as I need it to be. Its mine!

Thanks for the colours you have already thrown my way..SPLASH!!!

[monkey_magic]

Hellooooo there,

I also care too much.

Funny u mention the painting because I'm also an artist.

I believe artistic types r more prone to mental illness.

I think u know how to help people.

Yes we r alive. Alive to better ourselves & our situations even though black can colour some of our lives.

I was just driving past one of those black long vehicles with a casket in it with flowers covering it. Been thinking about an ex of mine that passed away & other relationships that r now "dead" to me...& that's life, we live, we die. We die living, we ultimately end up dead.

Im teary today...therapeutic teary...

We love we lose! I've loved a lot lost a lot died a lot. My colours define me. Other peoples colours define me.

Its sad. Sad that we lose what we love. Sad that meaning loses meaning, love turns into loss of love then death.

But we r here to experience all those colours.

I miss my cats so much...I used to have 3. Had them since they were kittens. So much in my life changes.

As I'm writing this I just saw a girl I used to go to school with. She married a rich man & had children with him. He cheated on her, she left him. She looked "dead". We all have burdons to bear. I think I was meant to see that. I think the lesson is we can all fall from high places. And not everybody's life is consistant or stays the same. There r potholes along the way, bumbs along the way.