Secondhand trauma (help for 16yo)

[avalon2]

Hi everyone! I'm 16 and am trying to just get my mental health in better shape: so a little background.

When I was a few months old my mother lived with my father (who was an alcoholic/drug addict/emotionally abusive etc.) and the relationship ended pretty quickly. He was diagnosed with manipulative traits + threatened to kill her one night and disappear with me. She left pretty quickly and I have no memory of him at all (I grew up with mum and my step dad 🙂 . His mother/father I was in contact with for a long time until I learnt more about how terrible his father was as well so we lost contact. I"m still best friends with his mother though (who has divorced her husband).

A few years ago however I learnt that my father had threatened to kill my mother, that his father was physically violent to his children, that people had accused him of sexual assault + he slapped me across the face when I was a baby - and some more stuff. All this information had a deeper impact than I thought it would, I thought it wouldn't affect me too much but it completely consumed me. I felt violated, felt that I had been betrayed by both my father and grandfather and felt very unsafe. What it led to were constant nightmares where my grandfather tried to kidnap me, and by far the worst, a dream where my father had both my sister and mother at knife point (I woke up thinking I was going to die). I was waking up anxious, I felt anxious when talking about anything family related and was just consumed by this knowledge and info about my father.

While I havent had a nightmare for 6 months now, I am still consumed by my father and get very anxious very quickly when asked to talk about family (hands shake, heart beats) etc.

Ive never really spoken to anyone about this but upon reading about PTSD a few weeks ago, it hit me that that's what it could have been - but then, I don't remember the trauma? Can PTSD stem from hearing about the trauma you were a part of even if you can't remember it?

Thank you all so so much xx

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Avalon2

You ask a really good question and I am not sure exactly what the answer is without spending more time with you but there are a few possibilities in mind.

It could be that you have a type of PTSD .. as in your brain is storing old trauma incorrectly so that it doesnt feel old, it still feels fresh .. This incorrect storage is what PTSD is all about. There are many ways to get this problem. So its possible you can have this process even if you are can’t  really remember the incidents but people have told you what happened and you mind has “imagined “ them .

People can have secondary PTSD also, e.g. many people were affected after major bush fires who were not directly in the fires themselves. 

It could also be that you are just feeling sad and grieving the fact that the men in your biological family are disappointing. You are at an age where you are maybe trying to get a handle on what men are and trying to sort out in your own mind who you came from. It can be really disturbing when the people we want to admire ( like our parents) don't turn out to be admirable people .. I think we all harbour deep desires to respect, love and admire our parents and it is heartbreaking when they can’t or don't live up to our expectations. 

I wonder what your mother and grandmother make of these times and of these men ? I wonder how they would help to guide you with your feelings of being violated by these men. Have they had similar situations? What did they do? Can you draw on their wisdom to I’ve you some suggestions ? 

Sometimes it is helpful to be honest with trusted family members and see if they can relate and give some helpful supportive tips on how to deal with things.

If that doesn’t seem to help, or isn’t an option, maybe check in with a school counsellor or a Headspace centre just to talk through this triggering and these feelings .

You were  a baby back then. You had no control. You were supposed to trust those people . You did the right thing . They didn’t . They were the adults . They let you down . You have nothing to be ashamed of . However you need to develop an understanding of where your sense of a lack of safety and violation comes from. Is it old past feelings from those times being misread at current or are there other things, anxieties in your current life that could be causing distress. I think your family or a good counsellor might help unlock this for you.

Thanks for reaching out and good on you for sorting this out and no letting it sit there and cause problems for ages without attending to it.