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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Lil_b Fight with my partner turned physical
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, Just really needed to get this off my chest and although it doesn't compare to what most are going through it would still be nice to get it all out there. My partner and I for the last month have been struggling with trust issues and goi... View more

Hi everyone, Just really needed to get this off my chest and although it doesn't compare to what most are going through it would still be nice to get it all out there. My partner and I for the last month have been struggling with trust issues and going through a stage of rebuilding and all was going really well until Saturday night. We had both been drinking heavily at an event and when we were just about to go to bed he went through my phone and began to become really angry at me over really not much. The fight escalated fast and turned really physical on both our ends. I was grabbing and pushing him and he too was hurting me. I woke up with scratches all over me, my arm bruised from how hard he was grabbing me, face scratched from his watch, and even a bite mark on my arm. I just don't know what to do as I too was very physical with him and the only reason I was hurt more was because he is much stronger then me but I don't feel like I can blame him just because he is the man as I was doing pretty much the same stuff (I didn't go as far as biting however). We are both completely traumatised from the event and although we have had huge fights before and his rage is a prominent issue in our relationship, it has never gone that far. We are both so sad from it that I have just let him back into the house as we don't want to not see each other. But was this the wrong thing to do? Should I be punishing him? I am just so lost and feeling very lonely.. Thanks a lot

Kate123123 Aggressive husband and no escape
  • replies: 3

As with any other story here, my situation is complex and I would like to give you a few words of introduction. I got married to an Australian two years ago. A few months later our daughter was born. When she was just 6 months old we found out that m... View more

As with any other story here, my situation is complex and I would like to give you a few words of introduction. I got married to an Australian two years ago. A few months later our daughter was born. When she was just 6 months old we found out that my husband is seriously ill and we had to come to Australia for him to get a proper treatment. He promised me that I will be able to go back home with our daughter anytime (I'd had doubts about going so far away with him after he had been not very nice to me but of course his illness was more important at the moment than my worries - he didn't do anything violent, just started snapping at me). So I came to Australia and he started his treatment which unfortunately required him taking steroids. His doctor warned us that this might impact on my husbands mood. And it did. He started being very aggressive towards me for no reason, called me a bitch, threw things at me, hit me with the door (he said it was an accident but I know he did it on purpose). I never made any friends in Australia as I was scared that I will have to talk about my family life. I just took care of our daughter and tried to persuade him to let me go back home but he refused. He said I can go alone without our daughter if I want and this is not an option. His treatment went well, he was taking lower doses of drugs and was a bit better to me but I stopped loving him. We didn't have sex since we came to Australia, I don't like when he touches me or tries to hug me. I feel that he betrayed my trust. He decided he doesn't want to go to work (he can afford it). I decided I have to work tohave some independence. So my life now is waking up before he wakes up, commuting for 2 hours, working for 8 hours, commuting for 2 hours and just seeing my daughter for an hour before she goes to sleep. Then I go to sleep. Weekends are better but I have to spend time with him and it is not pleasant. He asked me to pay all our bills so after I pay them, I have no money left. A month ago his illness relapsed and he started being aggressive again. The chance of me going home are 0 as when he is sick he will stay in Australia. I feel my life doesn't make sense anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. I would like to leave him but he will not let me take my daughter with me as he is the one who takes care of her. And if I quit my job and take care of her, I won't have money to rent an apartment and provide for her. I don't know where to start fixing my life.

swannees Continuing depression stemming from abuse
  • replies: 5

Just one cause of depression is childhood abuse by my father from at least 6 to 15. I can only put this out in dribbles as I cannot cope with more informing, but at 15 I attempted to take my life for the first time. I can't say at present any more ab... View more

Just one cause of depression is childhood abuse by my father from at least 6 to 15. I can only put this out in dribbles as I cannot cope with more informing, but at 15 I attempted to take my life for the first time. I can't say at present any more about that. That is the trouble no matter what amazing help I get nothing takes that issue away. The effect on self esteem is still huge although I have a great partner and wonderful children. I guess it was a situation where I went through on my own obviously and I still feel disconnected to most people.

DaphanyReynolds Not sure if I have PTSD
  • replies: 3

Hi, I've never been on a forum before... I was in hospital in isolation for around 15 days and due to an autoimmune response to pnemonia my face and body were disfigured. I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror, barely open my mouth because my lips... View more

Hi, I've never been on a forum before... I was in hospital in isolation for around 15 days and due to an autoimmune response to pnemonia my face and body were disfigured. I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror, barely open my mouth because my lips were so swollen and I needed breathing assistance. After leaving the hospital and my face healing up I still Have trouble recognizing myself because I had lost so much weight during the process (which isn't a bad thing) but it freaks me out. Now that I'm home I can't sleep because everytime I close my eyes I see my face all disfigured, when i cough I start having a panic attack because I think I'm going to choke again and I'm extremely high strung. I already have a panic disorder which isn't helping the situation but i was wondering if anyone could shed some light on this? I'de like to stop re living the whole experience but it won't go away and it's basically all I think about all the time and it really scares me. Thanks in advance for any advice or similar stories.

R3dr0s3 My first time here - diagnosed with PTSD last year
  • replies: 11

Hi world, I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and after making leaps and bounds for some time I have managed to face plant into a few walls recently. I have seeing psychologists for like 7 years and I thought that maybe I was be getting somewhere but... View more

Hi world, I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and after making leaps and bounds for some time I have managed to face plant into a few walls recently. I have seeing psychologists for like 7 years and I thought that maybe I was be getting somewhere but this new diagnosis on top of the depression, anxiety and chronic pain just kicks me about. I have started to scare myself and as it turns out my breakdown the other night also scared my partner. I have always been so good at hiding my mental health and putting on the sunny face for everyone but the other night I drank and I lost myself in from of the one I love most. If you had asked me a few months ago what the word trigger means I would have probably just said something off the top of my head, but now it sits deep in my emotions. Trigger now means fear, loss of control, pain, repeating my mantra 'just stay alive', it's a battle of constantly being in fear of how something may effect you. When I get triggered I lose touch. I stare at photos of my niece, that at every other moment of my life I love with everything, and try and connect with her I try to find that feeling but it's no longer there. The urge to punish yourself is so strong that it takes everything you have to not hurt yourself, to stay alive. Right now I know that is not me. Right now I can look at it all and say that it is a disorder and it will get better. The triggers will get further apart. The complete loss of the rational brain, the person inside my body, is a great one that I mourn once I come back to reality and look back at how far I fell this episode. I am here because my partner asked me to reach out to BB. I don't know how to deal with all this pain. The vicious cycle. I hope that this post can help people to feel not alone, and perhaps I will get some of that relief myself? How do you truly just ask for something without giving something first? I want to live.

RELUCTANTLY_PTSD You know me.
  • replies: 9

I live in your town, work in your community, I work hard, play hard. You say hi to me at the supermarket. You know me. You know I never served in a war, but you don't know about the trauma that changed my life. I've never been in a war zone... Except... View more

I live in your town, work in your community, I work hard, play hard. You say hi to me at the supermarket. You know me. You know I never served in a war, but you don't know about the trauma that changed my life. I've never been in a war zone... Except for the one in my head. The one where my own body becomes my enemy, as I struggle to slow my breathing, still my shaking hands, stop the panic that invades every fibre of my being. I couldn't hold a gun, even if I wanted to. I know the science; my body is responding physiologically to a perceived threat. I know that in this moment, there is no threat. But my brain is searching for an enemy, sweeping the room for dangers, identifying potential exits... The enemy it's seeking, is itself. My brain is telling my body to go into fight or flight. Or freeze. I can't choose. I can be stuck there for days. You can't possibly know I haven't slept properly in days. If you did know that, you'd tell me to get some rest, relax. I can't. Because science. My brain is creating chemicals that tell me to be alert, be hyper vigilant. My reactions seem excessive to you. They are excessive. And there are days in my life when despite knowing that, I cannot control my physiological symptoms. When I found the words to adequately convey the scale of my terror... His response was "Wow. It's noisy in your head. I don't like it here." He knows me. Loves me; despite knowing that sometimes I can't talk, get out of bed, be the friend or sister or daughter or aunt or colleague that he needs me to be. Sometimes it is all I can do just to breathe. I know you find that difficult to comprehend. An exaggeration. An impossibility. If I truly was experiencing these symptoms and thoughts, especially for extended periods of time... I must surely explode? I don't; I implode. You might know that I suffer episodes of manic depression. You have noticed there have been times when I have simply vanished; from my home, my job, my life. Or maybe you didn't notice I was gone. Maybe you noticed when I came back, that you hadn't seen me in a while... I seemed quieter. Flatter. Cautious. Even when I am back, functioning, contributing, "my usual self", in control... There is still a part of me that is still scanning the room, checking the exits. You may know me, but you don't see me. You can't. I live in your town, work in your community, I work hard, play hard. You say hi to me at the supermarket. You know me. And I have PTSD.

Daemon Looking for someone to help, as I have lost hope.
  • replies: 13

Things are hard, and keep getting harder. I ask for someone who wishes to talk to me. About traumatic events I have had, horrible things I have been through or just to talk. I can't keep filling up the bottle inside with my emotions, and I am looking... View more

Things are hard, and keep getting harder. I ask for someone who wishes to talk to me. About traumatic events I have had, horrible things I have been through or just to talk. I can't keep filling up the bottle inside with my emotions, and I am looking for someone to be a friend. Even if I never meet you or know who you are. I don't really have friends currently. So this is really my last real choice to do something for myself.

Sal81 Recovering from a car accident
  • replies: 1

My husband (Dean) was home on his first RNR from FIFO and on the Sunday 28th February we decided to do a bit of gardening before heading to the shops with my mum too (visiting from QLD). On our way home we decided to get some video's to watch for the... View more

My husband (Dean) was home on his first RNR from FIFO and on the Sunday 28th February we decided to do a bit of gardening before heading to the shops with my mum too (visiting from QLD). On our way home we decided to get some video's to watch for the afternoon/evening. We reversed parked at the video car park, always on the end as we had a new car. It was a hot day and my mum and I got a ice-cream and Dean a cool drink. Dean went to the car to cool it off. I followed put my hand bag in the back seat (behind the driver). I said to Dean "we won't be long, just finish our ice-creams in the shade". I closed the door and walking past the front of the car and I suddenly heard this noise; I turned and couldn't believe my eyes !! At that point - 28/02/16 - 2:45pm - after 5 weeks of being married - our lives changed in seconds !! An out of control driver was laughing at speed and t-boned our car, when I turned he was launched. I was screaming !!! I yelled out to a man sitting in his car "CALL the emergency services" - I ran to the cars to ensure it wasn't going to burst into flames and rushed to Dean's aid. He was in shock. Everything happened so fast. We rushed to emergency to were Dean had to undergo critical surgery. He was resuscitated and placed on life support transferred to ICU. Split Liver, damage to kidneys, fractured ribs/spine, smashed ankle. With many weeks in ICU/Trauma ward, dealing with the life changing event, deal with unsupportive parent-inlaws, drams with insurance companies and the list goes on. Nearly 22weeks later things are looking up. Physio has started now after many ops, but unlikely to returning to work till the new year. Dean has to deal with the physically side and I seem to be trying to deal with the mental side. Seeing it happen, unable to protect my husband, coming so close to death myself, now dealing with the knock on effect it has had in our life's has been challenging. Along with this we are also dealing with failed IVF treatments. We long for a happy future with rug rats but still at the moment - day by day -

Rainbowgen Opening up for the first time about my trauma
  • replies: 10

Hi, I joined this in hope of finding someone who will hopefully listen and understand. I have always put myself in a place where I didn't mean much and over the past year I have been working at changing that which has lead to the rise of other issues... View more

Hi, I joined this in hope of finding someone who will hopefully listen and understand. I have always put myself in a place where I didn't mean much and over the past year I have been working at changing that which has lead to the rise of other issues. Crypt I know. I'm really not sure what to say, i'm young, I've been hurt and I feel like it's my fault

Cornstarch Emotional flashbacks really sting my heart
  • replies: 2

I really struggle with emotional flashbacks of complicit bystanders to my child abuse. I have had years and years of therapy that continues to this day. I exercise, eat well, I love my friends, I have dependable employment, I have the best clinical p... View more

I really struggle with emotional flashbacks of complicit bystanders to my child abuse. I have had years and years of therapy that continues to this day. I exercise, eat well, I love my friends, I have dependable employment, I have the best clinical psychologist in the southern hemisphere and do everything "you're meant to do" when you have complex PTSD. Despite this, I just can't budge the pain in my heart when I am being flooded with emotional flashbacks to one of the most hurtful elements of the violent sexual assault in my early life. I was raped in front of my perpetrators wife and she did nothing. In fact she started giving me gifts. I was raised in a house with "parents, who should never have been parents" if you know what I mean. What this meant in light of my assault is that it reinforced the feelings of 'disregard' and 'worthlessness' that I felt when a mother figure did not save me, and in fact endorsed the crime, never to mention a word to authorities. My parents unfortunately kept my nervous system in a state of perpetual shock. I know this must sound ridiculous and way over sensitive, but an example of me struggling with emotional flashbacks when I'm in their grasp, would be my boss, or another authority figure rolls their eyes at me, or gives me negative feedback on the job, or simply does not say hello. It may just be other females in the office not liking me. This triggers all my grief and intense sadness. I time travel back decades to the precise second when I saw her presence once the violence was over, and her cold inaction at my powerlessness. I run to the toilets at work and I burst into tears like a teenage girl. I have done so much inner work that I am consciously aware that I have had an emotional reaction that is "out of context", that I am safe, that I have people that love me..........and yet the sting in my heart is so intense some days I just want to go to a deserted island and cry until sunset. I don't feel like a bottomless pit of depression is in front of me. I feel like a bottomless pit of grief and sadness is. I don't know how to help that heal when I have been so deeply betrayed by both sexes. I love all my friends. But there's also a part of me that is secretly scared of them. It's like I'm crouching and waiting for people to hurt me. Does anyone else experience emotional flashbacks to trauma that you intellectually know are 'old wounds' and nothing to stress about, and yet they sting like hell?