PTSD and trauma

A space for discussing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), domestic abuse, sexual abuse and other trauma. Please note some content may be distressing.

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 273

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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lostPuppy Feeling more insignificant than ever
  • replies: 1

Hi, I don't know where to start since I have so much to tell and I am nervous while I am typing this but I feel I need to reach out to someone since I feel I can't reach out to my partner, friends and family. I have always felt insignificant, worthle... View more

Hi, I don't know where to start since I have so much to tell and I am nervous while I am typing this but I feel I need to reach out to someone since I feel I can't reach out to my partner, friends and family. I have always felt insignificant, worthless and alone or 'on the other side' since my car crash 14 years ago. The crash has left me with facial scarring and Acquired Brain Injury, which lead to short term memory loss. I have felt useless since I had limitations to the things I can do and even though I have gotten better at the limitations, I never seem to get over the fact that I cannot be where I was before the crash. This lead to me disliking myself and angry with myself and my life During rehab all I wanted to do was to get better so I can live my life as normal as I possibly can. Part of that was getting a job, like everyone else. I came close to that goal and at that same moment I thought I had a better grasp of the feelings and thoughts that were in me but since my current relationship, everything seems to be 'spilling'. I have been actively applying for jobs so I can achieve this goal but have been unlucky lately. Whenever I try to bring it up to my partner, of the feelings of disappointment and powerlessness that I cannot support us more, financially, all he says was "at least your day was better than mine" or "at least you are not stressed about work" or since he suspects he has a hemorrhoid, "at least you are not stressed about work and have a hemorrhoid". Which has left me feeling so insignificant, I have been thinking about the situation all night and do not know what to do. I don't know if I should have the right to feel the way I do, feel kind of lost? I can't even sleep Sorry for the long post

Raven666 I feel a need to share my sexual assault story (trigger warning)
  • replies: 3

Hey I feel a need to share my story and maybe see how others feel about it and if my thinking is faulty, I don't want pity. The starting of the trauma that put the dent in my armor and shattered my self confidence. It's been 20 years now of the initi... View more

Hey I feel a need to share my story and maybe see how others feel about it and if my thinking is faulty, I don't want pity. The starting of the trauma that put the dent in my armor and shattered my self confidence. It's been 20 years now of the initial sexual assault that was done to me when i was 5 maybe even when i was 4 i'm not quite sure. No one will really give me the specifics. I'm the youngest of 3. Brother is disabled by epilepsy. Eldest sister has admitted that she deliberately put me in harms way to protect herself when her survival instinct overrode her maternal instinct of protect the young. It all went down when I was 5, my sister at 8yrs old told my mum why she didn't want to go visit dad (them being divorced) Our entire family on both sides turned on us or ignored our situation. They accused my sister of lying and of mum putting her up to it. So after it went to court and dad went to jail we had to move. We weren't able to go see any shrinks. For years we moved around, going from town to town which further screwed our education of having to go from school to school. We actually settled in an area for 5 years but it was during those five years that I was again sexually assaulted but this time by mum's boyfriend. I didn't speak up, we were going through enough trouble at that time and I didn't want to add to it. The years of moving, making no friends and having my own sister pick on me and break my trust when I tried to do the usual thing of "run to the big sister to tell her everything" and then that last sexual assault finally broke my armor, shattered my self confidence and esteem. It seems it destroyed something inside me, I can't place what it is that's broken. Its been 20 years as i said before, 14yrs of having no father figure. I reunited with my dad 6 or 7 years ago. My thinking is that I was too young to remember it, he did his time in jail, he admitted to the court what he did and now has to live with the guilt and grief he brought on himself for what he did. I don't deny that there is trauma I just can't remember it, consciously at least. My sister hates me because I'm living with him now and my mum was actually proud of me for the first time... I feel uncertain about something but I can't quite put my finger on it. Dad hasn't done or said anything about it, all he's done is apologize while he cried for putting me through it.

Yourlady_e Verbally abusive husband or am I just losing my mind?
  • replies: 1

My husband &I both have been married before & I have 2 sons who lives with their dad in South Africa & my husband has 4 daughters16-25. We have known each other for more than 15 years. The 25y old has a mental disability & lives with us along with th... View more

My husband &I both have been married before & I have 2 sons who lives with their dad in South Africa & my husband has 4 daughters16-25. We have known each other for more than 15 years. The 25y old has a mental disability & lives with us along with the 16y old. His children constantly causes issues but so does he. I have been told they are not my children & am not allowed to talk to them about anything yet I get told I should get off my high throne & make a better effort to build better relationships with them. I feel like when I do that, he'll always causes some issue & manipulate them to choose his side & hate me again. In 3years we have not had one week of peace. I have been going for counseling at a counselor as well as my local pastor. He has been to my pastor for a while but stopped, says there is nothing wrong with him it's me that has the problem. The few times he did go to my pastor he told them lies & managed to manipulate the situation so to turn it into his favor. Until last year October I still believed I was the problem & that I needed help. Last year October things got so bad again that I tried to commit suicide for the second time. After that failed, I sought out some help from a counselor who helped me to think differently of myself. However things still has not changed in our house! Every week there will be something new he will find to start an argument with me and nothing I do or say is ever right. He would yell at me that I am f'd up, that no one will ever love me, I am a hateful person & he hates people like that. He says I just hate him & his daughters & had a calculated plan to ruin their lives. He will tell me he wants a divorce but he is not going to get it, I should. If I use the car he says I am just using him & I steal his car as I do not pay for it. I am a housewife so I do not earn any money! He will tell me I sit on my back all day, thinking out all kinds of devious plans against him. I used to yell & swear back at him to give him some of his own medicine but I stopped doing that now as that just gave him more excuse to point fingers at me. I then just leave him alone and keep to myself. Eventually after a day or two he'll just give me hugs and act as if nothing ever happened! No apologies whatsoever! After he has managed to push his children away from me again and pushed me away, he comes back in being the hero who loves me and wants to comfort me!Am I losing my mind or is there something seriously wrond with my husband? beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Ana3 Ptsd
  • replies: 3

Hi Last year my husband was diagnosed with ptsd and began treatment with a psychologist. At this point in time we had only been married for 6 months. I only ever knew he suffered depression from a back injury. i have seen little progress in his abili... View more

Hi Last year my husband was diagnosed with ptsd and began treatment with a psychologist. At this point in time we had only been married for 6 months. I only ever knew he suffered depression from a back injury. i have seen little progress in his ability to manage his ptsd compared to that of late last year. I am now concerned he is no longer attending his appointments as he appears very withdrawn and shows little interest in my day/life or our marriage. I am sorry if this sounds selfish. It is not my intention. Do you have any suggestions on how I can manage withdrawal. If I try speaking with him I am accused of being a nag or starting a fight?? He also has a alcohol addiction. Our weekends or potential time together is generally based around his hangover and depression. He suffers social anxiety whereby he only maintains friends he has known for a long time or those he can make while drinking. Is there a way I can help him to manage this in order for him to feel less anxious?

Iamok Trauma to apathy
  • replies: 6

I was recently involved in a traumatic situation where one of my best friends was left brutally injured. I helped rescue him from the situation that left him in this position and was involved in the transporting of him to the hospital. Im glad to rep... View more

I was recently involved in a traumatic situation where one of my best friends was left brutally injured. I helped rescue him from the situation that left him in this position and was involved in the transporting of him to the hospital. Im glad to report that he made it through the experience and is making a miraculous recovery. I have been feeling really up and down since the event; feelings of regret and guilt for not doing more than I did on the day even though I don't know what else that could have been. People constantly ask me if I am ok, and I respond that I am, but I know that I'm not. I just don't want the fuss. I feel stuck in what i am doing day to day, even though it's new and should be exciting. I think I'm hiding my anguish perfectly and that's probably the most unhealthy thing to do. I work hard to pay back the debt I'm in and know that 'that's life' but get a sinking realisation that 'that's life'. I over think everything and this leads to procrastination and poor productivity at work which stresses me out that I'm not doing a good enough job. I feel guilty and selfish that this post will take up the time of others that need more help than I do. I constantly talk about wanting to help others but do nothing to implement any idea I might have. Lastly and most embarrassingly I cry sometimes feeling sorry for myself, and then feel stupid because there's people way worse off than I am. A roller coaster of emotion in my head that projects an apathetic shell to everyone else.

melly06 I need strength to leave my abusive, controlling boyfriend
  • replies: 4

On the outside everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. Both young (21), blonde, outgoing, ambitious, passionate. Behind closed doors, I can't do anything right. My boyfriend and I both have depression. He is addicted to weed. This makes him veeeer... View more

On the outside everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. Both young (21), blonde, outgoing, ambitious, passionate. Behind closed doors, I can't do anything right. My boyfriend and I both have depression. He is addicted to weed. This makes him veeeery paranoid. He goes through my phone to check who I'm texting. He texts me 10 times a day to find out what I'm doing. He tells me who I'm allowed to see, and when I'm allowed to see them. He calls me names . He's hit me before. He said he never would again but... I can't believe him. He owes me over $1000. He doesn't let me sleep at night unless he is tired, and I am forced to wake up when he does. He forced me to move into his parents house, knowing I despise them. I now dread coming home every day, because in an argument they said to my face I wasn't welcome there. He says if I move out, he will never speak to me again. I've always been the strong, confident, smiling girl who was surrounded by friends at all times. I was known for my smile!!! Now, I don't even know my smile. I met him when I started living in a new country. Due to his controlling behaviour, I haven't made many friends here. Now, I know I need to leave and get my life back. I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life with someone who brings more tears than smiles. When he is in a good mood he is perfect, but it's just there isn't any good moods anymore. I am sick of being bullied, and I want my confidence back! I just want to be me again.Once October comes, I am definitely leaving Australia. I am only worried about how I get through the months before then... Who has left an abusive relationship, especially while struggling with depression and loneliness prior to leaving? I know what I need to do... I just don't know how to do it... I know no one here, I have nowhere to go, no one to ask for help... beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Lace Trying to deal with the aftermath of appearing at the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse in Institutions.
  • replies: 6

Hi, I am new to this and really don't know what I am doing, however I need to do something positive to get some help. I am having Counselling once a week over the phone but it isn't helping at the moment. In Feb 2014 I testified at the Royal Commissi... View more

Hi, I am new to this and really don't know what I am doing, however I need to do something positive to get some help. I am having Counselling once a week over the phone but it isn't helping at the moment. In Feb 2014 I testified at the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse in Institutions. Since then it has been a never ending ordeal with Solicitors, Police, Doctors and Counsellors, each one rehashing my story over and over again, all wanting the nitty gritty details. I was told that I wouldn't be in the papers or on TV unless I gave permission, I didn't give permission but there I was all over the TV and in the papers, I was mortified. In 1969 -1970 I was institutionalised in a state run home in NSW for running away from home, it was there that I was, physically, verbally and sexually assaulted. I kept my secret for 46 years, but decided to speak out in the hope that what happened to me would never happen to another child in care. i am depressed not only because of the flashbacks and the ordeal of testifying but also because the Government does not seem to take heed and take the Royal Commission seriously. Unfortunately theses types of abuses are still happening, nothing is being done and I feel that I have dredged up my past and come forward to no avail. My friends shun me because they do not know what to say to me and my family thinks I am such strong person that I have it all under control. I am falling apart at the seems but still trying to put on a brave face, behind the scenes I am a mess. Thanks for listening, it's good to get it out.

hurtinggirl CPTSD and sexual abuse as a child
  • replies: 8

just want to say hello. im strugging with life.i have cptsd,and was sexal abuse most of my childhood. hope to talk to people who understand what it like for me.

just want to say hello. im strugging with life.i have cptsd,and was sexal abuse most of my childhood. hope to talk to people who understand what it like for me.

weatherboard Letting go after an abusive relationship
  • replies: 13

Hi everyone, I joined this forum because I need someone to talk to. About six months ago I left an abusive relationship after two years together. My ex-boyfriend was extremely controlling and didn't like me leaving the house without him. I ended up g... View more

Hi everyone, I joined this forum because I need someone to talk to. About six months ago I left an abusive relationship after two years together. My ex-boyfriend was extremely controlling and didn't like me leaving the house without him. I ended up giving up a lot of my friends and social activities because I didn't like fighting every single time I wanted to go somewhere without him. It got to the point where the only time I did anything on my own was when I went to my weekly orchestra rehearsal and that still wasn't enough for him, he wanted to come to that as well. When I refused we would have huge fights and he would make ridiculous statements like "Of course I would be happy if you did everything with me and I never saw my friends without you there". Of course, when I actually wanted to come along to something with his friends, he would make excuses about why I couldn't. I had the opportunity to go to a weekend retreat organised by my work, and was really looking forward to getting to know some of my workmates better. When I told him about it he wanted to come, and I explained it was only for work people, and that many of my married colleagues would be there without their partners. He then told me I had enough friends so didn't need to go, and when I held firm and said I was going to go, he tried to make me promise not to drink alcohol. When I refused to promise this (I am a social drinker, whereas he would drink to the point of being drunk every single day), he got angry. I did go, but I spent the entire weekend crying and on the phone to him trying to convince him I wasn't cheating on him. I shared very intimate details about my past with him, including the fact that (while single) I once picked up a guy in a bar and had sex with him and how afterwards I hated myself for years for doing it. Instead of being understanding, he used this information against me as a reason not to trust me because "I'd done it before". Finally, there was one time when I said I would have sex with him. He spent the morning saying nasty things and making me feel bad about myself, so I told him I didn't want to have sex at that time because I was miserable. He got angry and started shouting about how I never want to have sex with him. Eventually I got sick of it and took my pants off and said "Do whatever you want". I was crying and thought it would make him realise how ridiculous he was being. Instead he started having sex with me, ignoring my sobbing and the fact that I was obviously in pain. None of these incidents was enough to make me leave him. I was embarrassed because I thought it would mean I was a failure at relationships. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't think they would believe me - he was always charming in group situations and the fact that he didn't like me doing anything alone meant I didn't have any of my own friends to talk to. Because of the isolation, he could usually twist anything around so that it was my fault completely (mostly due to my depression) and I believed him. Eventually I did end it and I am certain that it was the right thing to do. I immediately felt a huge sense of relief and have not even thought about getting back with him. I'm slowly coming to realise that I am able to drive and I'm not as fat as he said I was, and my world does not fall apart without him. The problem is that, even though I am happier on my own, I can't help dwelling on the relationship. I'm angry at him for treating me like this and I'm angry at myself for not leaving earlier. Every day I think about how bad it was and it makes me miserable, like I'm reliving it. I just can't seem to stop thinking about it or let it go. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and am taking medication and seeing a counsellor, all of which are helping, but I'm still really struggling.

Momma0f4 HELP Advice needed, my childhood sexual abuse is ruining my marriage
  • replies: 6

Sorry ppl if it's so long, when I was 15 my father forced me to chat to my 1st cousin, who I did not find attraction to at all. He was 11 yrs older than me and by 16 yrsold I was married overseas to my cousin and only my grandmother and 6yr old siste... View more

Sorry ppl if it's so long, when I was 15 my father forced me to chat to my 1st cousin, who I did not find attraction to at all. He was 11 yrs older than me and by 16 yrsold I was married overseas to my cousin and only my grandmother and 6yr old sister were with me so I had no say in the matter cause my father said to me' you have to marry him cause we can't tell every guy asking for your hand about what happen to you. But apparently my father told my cousin what happen and he still wanted to marry me. I never wanted it from the beginning and told my cousin that but I was scared and shy, then he started crying and begging me to marry him and I just kept remembering my father.Then when he arrived to Australia I told him again and my father no one would listen. Then we had the Australian wedding when I was 18. I was always unhappy and angry with my dad and everything and hated anyone touching me in any way, I never loved him and still don't . After I was married at18 we had 4 kids and the was always problems and still is today , I feel lost and still so much anger and resentment towards my father for not listening to me and now I've got 4 kids ages 10 , 8, 5, 3 and a half ,my 5yr old and 3 and a half old have autisumspectrum disorder. I'm 29 yrs old and still hate my husband touching me every time and I don't know what to do with my life and I feel selfish to break up my family but I'm drowning too it's upsetting and depressing and no one understands how I feel inside and at the moment I'm roll playing just to get by everyday I'm soooo confused wondering if I should stay for the kids or end it for good and have my kids hate me.