Worried mum

[Bella_Rose]

My three primary school age children have been living exclusively with me for three months, after nearly five years of them going between my house and their father's house, since they reported to me the details of domestic violence/abuse by their father. The abuse has since been reported to the police and my children have been seeing domestic violence support and mental health counsellors. We have a court date next month, where I hope to be able to change the legal custody arrangements so that my children can live with me, but have the choice when/if they see their father. This has been a very difficult time for me, because I do not like the fact that I have felt the need to breach a court order, I am concerned for the relationship my children will have with their father in the future and despite what has been reported, I feel for their father and his situation because he must be hurting too having not seen his kids during this time. I had to weigh all of this up when I made the decision to help my kids to have time away from their dad, rather than co-operate with the order. I acted on their requests when they begged me not to be returned to him. I have spent many nights with them helping them to drift off to sleep and be strong for the night-mares and the worries which come to them. I have tried to keep their life as normal as possible, but this has involved some missed school when the anxiety levels have been high, and as I mentioned, help from psychologists for them to begin to process their feelings from what has happened. I don't know what the outcome of the court case will be. There is always a possibility that they may be ordered back to their father's care. Although they have pleaded for this not to happen, I can not tell them with 100% certainity that this will not be the case. Meanwhile, I have found that I am feeling quite alone (I don't know anyone going through this). I know there is stigma out there around "those women who do/say terrible things so they get to keep the kids". I know I am not one of those women. I agreed to an almost 50/50 arrangement with my ex- almost 5 years ago and co-operated with that until the disclosures were made. What I dearly want is for my kids dad to acknowledge his part in their refusal to see him and to make some changes, rather than blindly blame me for withholding them. Is there anyone else out there who has experienced something similar? I'm really hoping for good news stories.

[Zeal]

Hi Bella Rose,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry to hear of the violence and abuse your children had to endure from their father. You have done the right thing in providing them with a stable home life with you. That's what they need to be happy, healthy and safe.

I have no personal stories or advice to give, as I am 23 and still live at home. Others on this forum will hopefully be able to offer wise words from experience though.

I can say that you are a caring mother who is taking action for the best interests of her children 🙂 I sincerely hope the court matters go smoothly and allow your children to be safe with you.

Best wishes,

SM

[Kathryne]

Hi Bella rose

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums.

May I ask is the court date in regard to custody matters or the Abuse? I believe it's custody!

Generally if it's abuse to obtain a date that quickly indicates the seriousness of the traumatic issues expressed by your children. Primary school aged children in general do not make up stories in regard to abuse,

I believe if there is evidence of abuse or significant doubt about the suitability of a parent the courts generally will not force the child to live with the parent. Supervised visitation may occur.

If you're ex has been abusive generally he will not admit to the fact.

Hope you are able to resolve the situation with the best interests of all .

Regards Kathryne

[geoff]

hello Bella Rose, this is not what we would ever wish to happen to our kids to be abused in any shape or form, especially by a parent, and the police and counsellors will determine exactly what he has been doing, because there is a reason why they don't want to go back to him.
Surely when it does go to court the magistrate will eventually ask your children why they don't want to return to their dad, because the argument will be what you say against what he says, in other words a stalemate may happen so that's when your children will become involved, probably out of court and in a private room, then the magistrate will makke their decision.
You will need all the documents from counsellors, psychologists and from the police to substantiate what your children have said, otherwise it will be dismissed, so they are very important and maybe a counsellor or psychologist could go to court with you, but this may cost you some money, but in the end it maybe worth doing.
Let us know how you get on. Geoff. x