Ex partner of an Aspie. Anyone else feel the same?

[Some1]

24 hours a day I relieve every bad moment, I cant escape the memories. I want to forget it. But I feel its my fault.

I was in my final year at school when I got involved with an older guy who had Asperger's Syndrome. Like all relationships its started out great - he was my first (well lots of things).

He lived with his elder family members to help them with physical stuff as they aged.

A couple of years after school, things changed, (from what I have researched ASD becomes harder to manage in men in their 20-30s) and this was proven true.. He went 'missing' on several occasions, to the point at times I had to supply pictures for a 'missing person' poster, he would return after I had spent countless hours scared and crying and not see that anything 'bad' had happened.

After this, his family found it best (for themselves) that he now survived on his own - which only meant he then relied on my family support. (All the love to my family - but no one in my small town understood Aspergers, or that it meant he was unable to manage a normal life) this meant I was all alone to deal with everything as it got worse.

I loved him but I shortly fell into that big of a whole I resented him, his family his stupid illness.

He became controlling (although I still don't know if I can blame him or the ASD), I had to dry dishes in a certain way, cook dinner at the right time, get his clothes so he could go to work. But I couldn't just walk out he would have no one - he cant survive life on his own.

Fast forward.. 2 years of the most unhappiest strict relationship. I. HAD. TO. LEAVE.

I left, he threated suicide in a public manner to our entire town, on several occasions - they blamed me ( I BLAMED ME!!) He got help, everyone sympathised with him (I Sympathised with him) Until he started to control my life I was livng with out him.

He moved back to his family. Life was good (UNTIL), I found a new relationship (bless him he makes me happier than ever) and it started again, I would get cartoon pictures of suicide sent to me all hours of the night, phone called constant 24/7.

I involved the police.

He got a new girlfriend, They came to town. It started again and then...

It was over. He lost control of his life, and went to jail (for nothing that involves me - he assaulted people, police offices, drove recklessly etc), But he is now out.

I am petrified of what may happen, and yet I feel IT. IS. ALL. MY. FAULT.

[JessF]

Hello Some1, what a lot of trauma you have been through with your ex-partner. It sounds like it was incredibly intense, and a lot of pressure was put on you to feel responsible for not only his wellbeing, but his daily living. You're blaming yourself for how things have turned out, despite giving everything you possibly could until being pushed to breaking point.

Let's put the guilt to one side for a moment, and focus on this sense of constant dread and panic you have. This is understandable given what you've been through. More than two years of your brain being on constant 'danger alert' for everything from 'have I cooked dinner at the right time' to 'is he going to kill himself this time'?

I know that just reading this words won't switch this off in your head, but maybe it might help you make a start: This is not your fault.

You did not make him the person he is. Being much older than you, he will have been in similar situations to this before you, and from what you say, he has moved on to (probably) another similar situation now. You put it well when you say "he lost control of his life". That is exactly what has happened, and part of that losing control was HIS inability to manage a healthy relationship with YOU.

I am not an expert on Asperger's, but I know enough to see from what you describe that this is not typical behaviour for all people with this illness. Like any mental condition, it has its challenges, but personal responsibility and personality also plays a part and the sooner you put aside the Asperger's as a possible "excuse" then the easier it will be for you to move forward.

When you say you are petrified of what may happen, do you mean you fear for your safety or that he will do something himself?

[Some1]

Ive never been able to explain it well enough, but your phrase 'danger alert' is fitting.

I can't pin point what it is I am afraid of, I do wonder whether he would do anything physical (seeing as what has landed him in jail).

I cant say i'm afraid of what he will do to or with himself (as I tell everyone who knows what I've been through) I no longer care. And in a way I don't care. But I care enough to feel as though its my fault.

I think to what it would be like in jail and I cringe wondering whether I should have tried to be stronger - then maybe he would have had a better life.

I thank my lucky starts for the partner I have now, I have cried to him several times about the quilt I feel, how scared I was, how controlled I was. And he is so understanding.

I just wish I could forget it all.

And maybe im a coward - I don't believe I need to see a doctor as its not something you can medicate or talk away. Its always there.

[JessF]

Hello again Some1,

I think your guilt is partially connected to the panic switch that is still stuck in the ON position, and partially a reflection of the strong sense of responsibility and caring that you have. The sad thing is, we cannot control the actions of others. It would be nice if love conquered all, but sometimes it doesn't. That's not a failing of love, but a failure of connection.

There is enough evidence in your posts to suggest that connecting with him in a way that is mutual, loving and respectful is a tough ask. His family haven't managed it. None of his previous relationships have managed to work. The assaults and the police record paint a picture of someone who expects the world to revolve around him. What else do you believe you could have done to change things?

I'm so pleased to read your relationship with your new partner sounds like it is everything your last relationship was not. What does your partner say when you explain to him about how guilty you feel?

[Some1]

To answer your question about what more I could have done - I guess nothing. I had done everything. My friends and family had done everything. And not for a second do I ever want to be back in that situation, I just knew he no one else to rely on, no one to help him and then I willingly walked away (I DO NOT REGRET THIS).

My partner had known I wasn't quite myself for sometime, and when I opened up to him about why, how I kept reliving every single moment of the control and pain over and over in my head all the time - he was quite shocked but understanding.

Although my words never explain well enough what I mean - talking on here though does seem to be helping. Im so greatful there is someone who understands where I am coming from. without judgement so thankyou so much JessF.