Underestimating my PTSD (Trigger warning, descriptions of violence)

[Mr_Walker]

Is it okay to describe my traumatic event here? Please don't read on if it will make you anxious -

I gave some advice on an anxiety thread that I realized I haven't always been following myself with my PTSD - that is, because I don't see my traumatic event as being as "serious" or "as bad" as many other people's (which it isn't) - I think I "shouldn't" be suffering PTSD for it - I should just "get over it". Also because my anxiety has been quite extreme and much more of a handicap in my life, I've put up with the milder PTSD problems while I try to deal with the anxiety.

In my case my dad was very angry and violent and hit us kids quite a lot (out of anger rather than discipline) but for whatever reason, the event that I suffer PTSD over was of witnessing him beating the animals on our farm - though we were terrified of him personally - it was seeing him hitting the animals with sticks, rakes, shovels etc. that has affected my sister and I all our lives.

We could always hear the animals screaming out (indeed neighbouring farms rang the RSPCA a number of times) but we always avoided going out to see what was happening. When I was around 7 years old, my older sister encouraged/made me go out to see what was going on and he was hitting one of the animals in the milking pen as hard as he possibly could with a garden stake - the sight of it trying to escape with it's head stuck in the stock of the milking pen and the uncontrolled rage that my dad had has stuck with me for more than 30 years. (I saw him beat them many more times but that first occasion just got stuck in my head) It would happen at night in the dark and the milking shed would be all lit up so it was the only thing you could see (I can STILL see it!)

I very often had nightmares, flashbacks, sometimes vomiting when I thought of it and it fed into my anxiety in a big way - I was always anxious that I would accidentally anger someone (forget their name, bump my shopping trolley into them, refuse to donate to their charity...!) but the picture of what anger LOOKED like was that image of my dad.

Besides the relief of talking about it, my point is that it doesn't matter if it was a big or small thing that traumatized us - the affect on our lives can be just as devastating - I wish I had taken it much more seriously, much earlier on... thanks for letting me share, J.

[Croix]

Dear Mr Walker~

I'm very sorry to hear both of your horrible experiences and reactions to them.

I don't think there is a hard and fast rule as to what triggers PTSD in the first place, with no sliding scale of severity for the causing event(s).

I would like to agree with you exactly on all you say. My problems came about as a mix of events involving humans, however there was a pair of episodes involving animals that I had thought too minor to have 'registered'.

I could always talk about them in a detached clinical way, however much more recently they have come to the fore with the whole 'experience', much as you describe. I have a thread about this however I'm not sure if you would want to look at it. Perhaps I'll leave it at that.

I did feel somewhat 'guilty' talking about these recent reactions here for a while, as they too seemed less than others had to bear, however I now no longer feel that way. Reaction is reaction.

The good news was that the current symptoms are milder than the ones I had before about the other matters, and the after-effects much less, with me coming out of the 'remembering' state far quicker and not going in as deep, though there are new triggers involving those 2 events.

Although you said you had been addressing your anxiety to date maybe specifically targeting the PTSD might be an option now.

Please feel free to talk about things as much as you'd like

Croix

[Mr_Walker]

Hi Croix, thanks for the reply - I typed out a reply last week and I thought it must be being moderated but I must have lost it somewhere!

I DID read your post - I'm sorry you're going through that.

I wonder if events involving animals are so distressing because they are totally helpless and totally blameless?

I know I empathized with the animals in my childhood because they were at the receiving end of that same anger we used to get.

Plus when I was being hit you can sort of tune out like you're not really there but SEEING it happen was much more distressing.

And in my case as well I never thought about that event until I was in my 30s when it suddenly leaped out at me...

Thanks again, J.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Mr Walker,

I thought I’d come by and say “Hi”.

So it’s been 30 years, but now the images and the recollections are there for you. How long has it been of late, since you’ve become plagued with these recollections? It would have been horrible for you to witness such things, at such a young age. Things like this often do shape us how we progress in life and further on. I’m also very sorry to hear of the very wrong and evil things your father did to you as a child. Makes my blood boil when I hear of such things.

May I ask, are you still reasonably close with your siblings? Have you ever been able to talk with any of them regarding what used to happen? If yes, has that helped you at all?

Have you been able to talk about it with anyone else, perhaps a wife/partner?

Did you happen to find any kind of help/assistance to you, when you actually just wrote about it on here? Sometimes doing such things can have a sense of relief, that you’ve been able to get off your chest, things that have been burning up inside.

And as Croix wrote, please write me if you feel able to …

Kind regards,

Neil

[Mr_Walker]

Hi Neil, thank you. I haven't had any unexpected flashbacks for a couple of years but I still get a physical shudder if I think about it, and it does pop into my head from time to time...

The biggest effect I think it's had is I grew up terrified of making anyone angry and hypersensitive to real or perceived anger in other people. It's held me back and inconvenienced me all my life.

My siblings and I are not particularly close, we'd do anything to help each other and we enjoy catching up but we very rarely do - I think we were all so traumatized by our family life that we don't want to remind each other of it!

And all four of us have different mental health issues!

I have talked about it with my older sister though - we were the closest in age - but, while it was helpful to know she felt the same - she really doesn't want to talk about it! We only mentioned it once!

And yes I have talked about it with my wife but she can't get past getting angry at my dad (which I understand but isn't really the aspect that I need to talk through!).

My psychologist got me to write about it and read it out at the next session, that was helpful. And yes I found it helpful talking about it here.

I never really thought about the whole issue until I started seeking treatment for my panic attacks - I thought it was a fairly minor event and my childhood was pretty normal (as everyone thinks!)

I feel like I've half (or partly) worked through it but there's more work to do...

Thanks again for listening! J.

[Mr_Walker]

The other awful things that happened were my dad used to have really scary episodes of road rage and would chase after cars (often for many kms) that offended him in some way, yelling, swearing, beeping, lunging the car at their car (and two of my siblings never learned to drive, which I can't help feeling was related).

Also I would have nightmares as a child and cry out or make noise in my sleep and my dad would burst into the room to yell at me or smack me to make me stop (which would wake me up) - which made me scared to go to sleep. And, as the toilet was right next to their bedroom I was too scared to go and would consequently wet the bed - which I got smacked for and told I was disgusting etc...

Also meal times were very stressful because we had to be close to him and he'd criticize us all and we all developed eating disorders later...

And the sound of the car in the driveway was scary when he came home from work because that's when we'd get smacked for things we'd done during the day... And I still get palpitations when someone comes down MY driveway!

I realize now he definitely has an anxiety issue and at that era it came out as rage and violence - but also the fact that it was never acknowledged or mentioned is very frustrating.

In fact my parents have both made comments about how strange it is that ALL of us kids have had mental health problems?! And also that they're glad we're not "one of those families that has to share our feelings"?!

I don't want to blame ALL my problems on my parents but I know they all stemmed from feeling scared and unsafe at home and being criticized and put down all the time. So I guess I AM blaming them?!

However they're MY problems now and I have to learn how to deal with them!

Sorry for going on so much - and thanks for the opportunity to let off steam! J.

[monkey_magic]

Hello,

And a huge welcome to the forums.

My dad was also anxious,violent and angry,hurt animals, did the road rage thing like your dad and smacked/ hit us- my brother got it more and harder because he was male. I think my brother is more effected than I am.

It can stay imprinted can't it. I rem re-living my dad abusing a neighbours dog because it was in our yard from time to time.

Some ppl r just heartless and out of touch.

I guess the best thing that happened was us not being like them.

Hopefully the impact becomes less for you and yes it is important for you to share your feelings lol.

Some people have no idea, but you sound like you have a clue so well done.

[Mr_Walker]

Hi Steph6, thank you,

Yes my dad would get extremely angry at other people's dogs too!

And feud with all our neighbours...

I used to think my younger siblings were better off because he calmed down a bit later in life - but I found out later they had a lot of the same problems from him being so picky and critical of us all - even when he wasn't violent anymore...

And you're right some people just don't have a clue...to this day I'm sure they think they were great parents and we were "difficult" kids... (I wouldn't KNOW because we don't share our feelings!)

And yes all of us kids turned out the exact opposite! It makes you realise how important it is to encourage and reassure your own kids instead of criticizing (and scaring) them!

Thanks for the welcome! J.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Mr W.

Oh boy oh boy, as you started on each para, I almost could come up with the (and I’m sorry for saying this is as it’s a bit too close to the mark for being punny) ‘punch line’ for how your father was going to react to each scenario.

A slight light-hearted moment here, and not sure if you’re a Seinfeld fan … but in case you are, George’s father, Frank, with his tradition of Festivus, where he gets all the people around the table for dinner and then tells each one why he has a problem with them. Only your personal criticisms at the dining table, wouldn’t be just once a year. Again, that’s truly horrible stuff.

Each of these things has been like a raging river as you developed from child into adult and as such, every aspect of what your father put you through, shaped and channelled the person you are now, to a large extent. What I mean here, is the underneath evil stuff that there is possibly little way for you to get rid of from your past, but it’s buried deep into your psyche.

But on top, you’ve got what I can feel through your writings as an awesome nature and as you said, one that never looks for trouble and in fact, goes in the opposite direction of it – of being the hyper-sensitive person you are now. And I tell you what, the world would be a far better place if more people were of this kind of nature.

Also it was really good that you tried to approach your sister about the past, but as you said, you were only able to speak about it the once. Things like this would be very hard to speak about. I’ve got my own demons from the past, from a different aspect, but when something horrible happens, it’s simply impossible to forget.

I did however smirk when you said that your parents thought it strange with how their children all turned out! Holy …. What on earth did they think? That their style of parenting was the garden variety normal kind?? I’m really sorry for this, but your father sounded just plain evil. I’m not sure how he is these days, and whether you see much of them. My bottom line here is, you SHOULD be blaming your parents. Again I’m sorry for venting like this, but it just wasn’t fair to you and your siblings and then as you’ve found out, how this then continues on as you journey through life.

I think my space is up for this time, but would love to chat more.

Neil

[Mr_Walker]

Thanks Neil, yes so many of those things are so deeply ingrained - I've been able to improve some of them with the therapy but it's ongoing!

I'm still WAY too critical of myself - undervalue my skills, hear criticisms in things people say when they're not meant like that, etc.

And I couldn't eat out or even eat with my own family at home til I was in my early/mid 30s! Stressful dinner times!

And yes I've never heard them even hint that they were anything other than perfect parents - they spend a lot of time criticizing other people's parenting - so I don't know if they've blocked all that out or if they really believe they were fine?!

They were (and still are) quite distant as well - never gave us hugs that I can remember or talked about anything other than the sort of chat you have with your neighbours you know?

I used to be so surprised at friends houses that their parents were friendly and would talk to them etc.!

My mum's just started giving hugs every now and then in her 60s and it's so uncomfortable because we're not used to it!

Strange. And my grandparents on both sides were nothing like that - friendly, funny, chatty, huggy, normal grandparents!

So I don't know where it came from?!