new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Just reading over your posts re: brother & SIL. Sorry, sometimes when I read posts, I might read them during breaks from cleaning the house, cooking, watching t.v etc. and I mightn't read things properly or I'd tots miss crucial sentences (so, just keep this in mind). Your brother does care for you Ems, I have no doubt. Unfortunately, SIL has a foothold on him which doesn't enable him to do much by way of support. This also impedes his contact on special occasions such as bdays. SIL is a JEALOUS person, it is egregiously noticeable!! She's much more than merely jealous though and the "sussing out" of your beautiful, new appliances and "looking down" on you highlights this. SIL sounds very much like a narcissist. Futhermore, she didn't/ doesn't want to see you succeed. A big part of her not wanting to you succeed is to thwart any help or support from your brother, whether its financially or any other means.
It's your choice and I would never tell you what to do, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to distant yourself from SIL. I always believe in being polite to people but yeh, being nice to narcissists is something you don't really want to do - they'll take a mile, and will never occur to them to do the same. They lack empathy. You said sil wanted to see me fail. Of course, she did.

Why am I saying this to you? Because SIL is MY SISTER!! How do you think I lost support from my mother with my education? My sister was jealous and didn't want me to become a lawyer. There was no way I could've studied full time and kept my home. I lost my then relationship because she was jealous that I was happy (she went behind my back to befriend him for the purpose of turning him against me, I was none the wiser. It worked). When I became aware of her games, she pitched my whole family against me and made up stories about me, claiming that I was crazy and that I needed to be institutionalized. It worked. Two & half years later, CAT Team was called on me for no reason. Quote: "Sadly it's obvious sil is jealous and tried to disable me, even steal from me". Yes, thieving is another trait of this personality disorder. Over the years, I've had thousands of dollars taken from me and my belongings would disappear. Lastly, they will work hard to stop anyone from helping you - their innate desire to see us fail is driven largely by JEALOUSY and the delusion to be THE BEST, the PRETTIEST, SMARTEST, whatever.

Let me say it again, SIL is my SISTER. Best you stay away, Ems.

Love Blubes xx

[ecomama]

Yes, we've been able to distance ourselves quite easily because sil holds brother back from being part of our lives.

sil doesn't have the capacity to weild as much damage as your sister bec of her disabilities but the damage is obvious enough.

brother visits after work for a short time, I think she wouldn't notice those short visits, so that's why he does it this way.

he also comes to me for help, still, and advice which I give. he also has disabilities but works 6d per week in his trade atm. he's much younger than me but has been able to semi-retire for long periods due to his strong financial position.

which he doesn't want sil to know about, which says alot!

he made my children the beneficiaries to his "estate" and I'm positive this irks sil but she wants her children to have her and HIS property lol.

Same old story. Seen played out a thousand times.

All battened down here!

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Heya Ems,

Hope youre enjoying your day at work today.
Its a lovely day here in Melbourne. Not too cold or too hot. Its just nice.
Oh ok. Nevertheless, the damage caused is enough.
See, your brother loves you & children. Coming round to help you when he can & making your children beneficiaries. No, she wouldn't like that idea too much. Abd he also values your opinion. I hope hell come by more often to spend time with you guys. Family is important if youre lucky enough to have a good family. I thought did, only that was taken away from me. I guess everything happens for a reason.
I got asked this question not long ago .. Ive given it more thought since and yes, I believe everything happens for a reason.
Blubes

[ecomama]

Work was really busy.

yeah idk... brother has a huge network of ppl with same disability as he and sil.
Those ppl are far closer to family to him than any of us are. I'm glad he has them.

I looked through my text messages at break time and wow... just "business" and necessity texts.

I haven't seen my friend with cancer for so long. I was thinking of visiting her this week... Still not sure if I can.

I thought I had at least another 5-6y with the kids at home.
One's gone and the others will leave so fast.

Not sure how to build up my social network and tbh feel too tired to do it anyway.

I saw your post about extremely low Covid numbers in Victoria and I'M SO PLEASED for you all and us too! We're all connected after all.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

"I looked through my text messages at break time and wow... just "business" and necessity texts" - are these txts from son?

Why are you not sure you can visit her or not? Does she live far away?

Yeh, I'm REALLY excited about the low number today. It has been too long and Ive forgotten what life without covid is like now tbh. One rule gets drummed into us for months, then its gone or changed - its confusing for the brain sometimes.

You are never too tired to make new friends!! How to build that network of friends? I don't know, I'm in the position whereby I have to do the same - it's not going to be easy. Finding good ppl you actually connect with is tough. I feel utterly lonely. At times I just cry my guts out. I've been in bed all day today doing just that. Idk I guess with ppl I feel inclined to just battening down in preparation for possible trouble!! Its sad but given what I've experienced in life, its come to this. Sad isn't it?

Blubes

[ecomama]

I'm sorry you feel so horrible Blubes, there's alot of loss in your situation and alof of grief to go through.

Also alot of rebuilding and it's pretty challenging.

Covid hasn't helped at all I'm sure.

I really hope the new flattie puts a bit of fun in your life and changes it up too.

Oh I just meant the texts are just for work / no real personable ones. All just "gotta do this or that" texts. Builder, Electrician, gardener - not friends, just business.

I'm very grateful for my work but I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing depressive chemicals. I sleep as much as I can. I seem to be always sleeping when before I wasn't sleeping these hours.

Alot has hit me hard. Son leaving made me realise alot.

Yes T is my friend with cancer. She's in denial but that's okay - whatever gets her through really.

If I don't visit her then there's really no relating between us.

IDK if I'll have time to visit her this week but I feel I really need to because I'll regret these times later.

My Counsellor thought what psych and my psych friend said was really horrible. IE not to have my sick (dying) friends ONLY in my life. Get other friends who won't "leave" (which you can't guarantee anyway so yeah).
Then when she heard their reasoning, she happened to agree.

Out of my 3 sick friends, T lives 20 mins away.
Another friend I've become pretty uncomfortable with tbh.
Last one, L lives near where son lives - a LONG way away.

My only "well" friend from that era (the ones that I went to school with) lives in Qld and as much as I love him like a cousin, he proposed a few years ago when my marriage broke up AND I was already "with" bf.
So that's not a relationship bf is comfortable with lol.
We barely talk now. Text every 6 months or so.

I could get in better contact with another friend but it's too hard tbh.

Most of my friends are retired.
Most don't have children at home. AT ALL.
Even the ones who DO only have them every 2nd week lol.

My kids take up so much time and energy which I'm happy for!
My work too.
So my friends don't "get" that I'm always tired etc and still in the throes of all that.
Plus the darned hard work of repairing all the damage to home and garden etc from demon.

A real Catch 22.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

Reading how hard it is to keep contact with your freinds, particularly T, please do not underestimate the power of email, maybe just general, fun or nostalgic talk or maybe more serious.

You are most certainly very capable of writing in any mode you wish, if you can get T interested in topics you may find it as real and important as actually being there in person.

This is something I've done with someone who had serious illness, we both gained a lot.

Croix

[Guest_498]

Heya Ems with a wave to Croix,

Just realised I've been here on BB forum a LOT lately - more than usual. Loneliness, boredom & depression is getting really aggressive for me right now. I think my PTSD is worst than ever. I'm triggering every day & night. I think it's partly due to the convos we've been having about SIL, Sleepy's mum, etc - all are hitting home hard. I seldom talk about my sister but I have been, here. She's the HATE of my life. I'm not a hater, honestly, quite the opposite, but I HATE HER with every skerrick of me. She's the reason why I'm in this position, the reason why I've lost everything in life. I often pray that she and my mother would suffer the sufferings they've put me through. I pray for that most nights. How could a mother take satisfaction in setting her daughter up with the CAT team? She was complicit in all aspects of it. From the humiliation, threat, drugging, damage to my property, falsification of med records, bogus diagnosis, forcing me to fill a prescription that wasn't explained to me what it was for. I mean, what sick mother would actually do that? I hate her too. I was treated by these medical 'professionals' with absolute disdain, like human excrement, nothing more. And, I did nothing wrong, nothing to warrant their abuse. They won't get away with it though, I won't give up and I"ll move forward with my life also. Just going to take some time.

I don't mean to bring anyone down with me here. Sorry if I have.

Croix, your advice to Ems is a fabulous idea. Email or even chat sounds like a great idea - this is marvellous especially coz you're time poor.

Blubes

[ecomama]

Hi Croix

I know her lol she won't do any type of communication whatsoever like this, not even text.
We've been friends for over 50y, her situation and mindset is complicated.

Basically she feels that unless someone shows their face to her door, then they really don't care about her.

I know that's not true ofcourse.

She's doing a Science degree at Uni so she can email etc, she won't do it with anyone outside of this.

Thanks for the tip though. L who lives near son is more inclined to keep in touch via text and call which is lovely.

I just went to the shops to get more bread and milk lol... 15L of milk WAS the norm... still not sure how much we need with 2 down...

I ran into a girl I knew... like a GIRL doing her HSC and our convo spurred a train of thought.

I just really need to "get out there" if I really DO want to make more friends / connections.

I know I'll meet some ppl I wish I hadn't lol! It's a % game really.

But I decided to do what I started about 6 months ago and REACH out to ppl I already know.

I could get involved with my Church's activities, to some degree, again if they're up and running.
They run free Courses on Healthy Cooking, Organic Gardening etc.

There's also the Permaculture Group about 40 mins away - bit difficult. Not impossible.

Also the Community Trading group which is more complicated and takes alot of time, energy and contact... not sure if I've got that much time or motivation for this yet tbh.

I've also denied myself getting close to colleagues. This is a point of offer to take up if opportunity arises. Or I create it lol.

The horrid marriage shut out all my friends (that was shut down for me by DV).
I was never allowed the time to be with friends and most definitely NOT the money. Even the in-laws came down on me like a ton of bricks when I spent $10 on a lunch with colleagues! I was the only money earner of around $100k and I couldn't spend $10.

Grrr.

Then ensuing Court cases... I didn't have the time or focus to do "friend" things, let alone the money or food to spare with having anyone over.

There ARE opportunities now. I need to be open to SEEING what these are.

I'll just bite the bullet and visit T this week. The laundry and all else can wait lol.
I'll go Thursday morning before my Counselling appt in the afternoon.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

And, yes I do have a lock on my door. My philandering, bad tempered ex installed it August last year. Im set.
Btw how could you presume I was THAT trusting of ppl, especially men in my home. 😆😆