new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:And, yes I do have a lock on my door. My philandering, bad tempered ex installed it August last year. Im set.
Btw how could you presume I was THAT trusting of ppl, especially men in my home. 😆😆

AWESOME then you're set lol.

xxxxxEM

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:

Heya Ems with a wave to Croix,

Just realised I've been here on BB forum a LOT lately - more than usual. Loneliness, boredom & depression is getting really aggressive for me right now. I think my PTSD is worst than ever. I'm triggering every day & night. I think it's partly due to the convos we've been having about SIL, Sleepy's mum, etc - all are hitting home hard. I seldom talk about my sister but I have been, here. She's the HATE of my life. I'm not a hater, honestly, quite the opposite, but I HATE HER with every skerrick of me. She's the reason why I'm in this position, the reason why I've lost everything in life. I often pray that she and my mother would suffer the sufferings they've put me through. I pray for that most nights. How could a mother take satisfaction in setting her daughter up with the CAT team? She was complicit in all aspects of it. From the humiliation, threat, drugging, damage to my property, falsification of med records, bogus diagnosis, forcing me to fill a prescription that wasn't explained to me what it was for. I mean, what sick mother would actually do that? I hate her too. I was treated by these medical 'professionals' with absolute disdain, like human excrement, nothing more. And, I did nothing wrong, nothing to warrant their abuse. They won't get away with it though, I won't give up and I"ll move forward with my life also. Just going to take some time.

I don't mean to bring anyone down with me here. Sorry if I have.

Blubes

I'm sorry I missed this post of yours Blubes 🤗.
We must've been typing / posting at the same time!

I know what you mean about triggering from other's posts. Sorry sweetheart.

You can phone 1800RESPECT and speak to a trauma psych ANONYMOUSLY Blubes 24/7.

We think we can handle PTSD, then all of a sudden we can't. That's not a good place to be.

Having PTSD / screeching anxiety / depression is a horrible mix.

Grieving is normal for what you're going thru. Anger too. Leaving these behind is a goal.

Indeed family should not be intentionally damaging others. But ours have. Getting to the place of "meh" yeah whatevs is a great place. It took YEARS for me.

It took decades to have my brother somewhat in my life.
Over 50y to have Uncle in it.
Darned long time.

It was a mess but it's clearer now.
I'm independent of the nasty ones.

That counts for a lot.

Love always EM

[Croix]

Dear Blubes and EM~

Blubes: You are right, you have been spending a lot of time in this area, giving support, care and even simply listening. Do you mind if I make a suggestion?

Well, your stuck with it as I intend to make it anyway.:) You need to reduce this particular mental environment which is tense, full of the most undesirable of happens and constant, ideal matter to raise your own reactions .

I'm not suggesting you abandon anyone or shun this area, what I am saying is there has to be balance -despite loneliness, friendship and more.

I can't read it all on the Forum every night, and some nights concentrate a lot on trivia, away from the heavy stuff. I'll even read posts then go read a novel before attempting to respond. I also limit the number I do each day -which is why there are gaps when I'm quiet in regular threads.

Do you think you can strike a balance, with matters that take your mind right away from all that is dark and terrible? I do not know what, anything from light threads to citizen science to reading. You have enough imagination to come up with something you can enjoy that takes your mind worlds away.

EM: Your friend underestimates care. Now I'm not implying anything when I say 2 years ago I held a friend's hand by email up until 2 days before she passed away. A long time, 3-4 months maybe. Fortunately up until those last two days she had the strength to write back

We BOTH gained an awful lot and I'm glad I had the chance be a companion. Your friend needs to be sat down and given an idea of the value of words on paper, (or screen). They are an old and sophisticated way of being with another, and sometimes allow for more frankness, even closeness

Croix

[blondguy]

Hey Bluberry.....I remember when you joined the forums...You have always had an innate sense of ' balance and care' when you respond to other members! If you find spending time on the forums helpful....please dont change a thing 🙂

Croix was spot on when he mentioned ' please do not underestimate the power of email, maybe just general, fun or nostalgic talk or maybe more serious' I think that he makes a good point about using email as an effective communication tool

always a bonus to have you on the forums Bluberry

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems, Paul, uncle Croix,

Ems you said "I know what you mean about triggering from other's posts. Sorry sweetheart" Don't ever apologise, darl, ever. I won't be having that you hear me? I'm on here for support as well as give support. I'm always going to be here to support you guys. Just because at some point other ppl's posts trigger, it doesn't mean that ppl would have to apologise. It doesn't work that way with me. I will have to consider 1800RESPECT in the near future. The phone line would be my first step into anything resembling 'mental help' for me. 🙂

Uncle Croix said "Well, your stuck with it as I intend to make it anyway. :)" Lol, uncle, that's quote and dorky at the same time. hehe. "You need to reduce this particular mental environment which is tense, full of the most undesirable of happens and constant, ideal matter to raise your own reactions". "Do you think you can strike a balance". Yes, I can find a balance. Businesses are reopening their doors next week (Dan Andrews will be announcing this on Sunday), and I'll be back at the gym as well as preparing myself to do some ubering - gosh, I can't see myself making any money atm.

Hey Blondeguy (Paul, I remember your name), I'lll quote you ".I remember when you joined the forums...You have always had an innate sense of ' balance and care' when you respond to other members! If you find spending time on the forums helpful....please dont change a thing :-):. Naww that's so sweet of you. I do find comfort and loads of helpful advice from the forum. The bond and friendships that I've connected with have been invaluable and special for me.

"always a bonus to have you on the forums Bluberry" - Thanks, Paul.

Love Blubes xx

[ecomama]

It was a BEAUTIFUL day when Blubes joined the forums lol!

Now that she has a cute flattie with blue eyes WHO CAN COOK... well, IDK, we may see less of her lol.

Or more of her if he's a REALLY good cook!

Hey Uncle Croix... I really value what you're saying about email and emailing my friend.
I can see the value in that ofcourse.
She's such a stubborn and, might I add, cantankerous person, probably with O.D.D. so she won't do anything anyone else tells or even asks her to do.
She had an awful prognosis years ago and is still doing her online Degree!
It's drop in or nothing.
She NEVER visits other people, except close family and only under pressure.
She has a house full of adult kids too, so she's always dealing with something.
Anyway that's her and I accept it.

If Y goes to school on Friday then I'll visit T then.

Y is NOT going to school tomorrow. I have NO Idea where HER stubbornness comes from at all.
😉
Though I mentioned the option of a Traineeship through her take away job (that was offered to all her older brothers but they turned it down)... not sure about age requirements etc.
Apparently these only last a year - so not too good, she's too young I think.
Will find out.

An adult child gave us accounts and logins to their Stan account today, trying to cheer us all up I think. So we're pretty buried in movies atm.

I'll give "Younger" a go as Sleepy21 said it's great.
I'm watching the sequels to Girl with the Dragon Tattoo atm... might have to skip the gruesome bits. Ugh... might have to skip it altogether lol!

These movies go fine with folding ALL the odd socks! lol.

Btw son who moved away said all his socks and underwear keep disappearing amongst the family, so guess who's coming home again to do his washing??? Hmmm that's one thing I didn't see coming.
We have a system the kids created for each person getting the right gear, since they're all around the same size it can be awfully tricky. Works well here.

Highlight of the new school?? Son is enjoying his Maths teacher's lessons, which is awesome.
I've never "enjoyed maths" a day in my life!
Except when I sum up a great tax return lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

There we go again Blubes, POSTING at the same time lol.

Thankyou! I DO worry about triggering others but I also really feel the need to be honest, so it's difficult.

I appreciate YOU and your support ever so much. xxxx

So many ppl think "Life was meant to be easy", so presenting my life warts and all is something I'm driven to do.

Not all warts are on here - Lord I wouldn't have time to write all that.
Not all nice things either... probably would have time for that lol!

Presenting life through one person's eyes, who happens to have C-PTSD etc etc and the least charming of experiences, is really important to do here.

OMG Ubering! What a fantastic idea Blubes!

Have you heard of the "She Safe" type of thing similar to Ubering?
I had a squiz of that too but my car is WAY too old!
So am I probably lol.

Great idea.

I really love that Victoria is opening up more and more for you guys... and US. Such a relief!

xxxxEM
PS: I had a nightmare about bf this morning, so texted him about it. It was about him cheating... yuck.
So we had a really lovely chat at my lunchtime and he was so sweet, lovely and understanding.
He's in Utah atm, a place we've been to a number of times together. It's our "romantic place".
Sighhh such lovely memories.

Anyway Alexa said the opposite of triggers are "sparkles" and you are a sparkle Blubes.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Whose up to what today?

I know Blubes is having a long awaited hairdressing appt this afternoon lol YAY!
Hope you love it Blubes.

Y is home again today, she promised to go to school tomorrow. She's sleeping now which she needs.

Bf is calling soon.

Just housework and laundry lol.

The Counselling via phone this afternoon.

Has anyone read or listened to "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ___"? Apparently it's available via audio book on Spotify.

Sounds funny but I think it's pretty serious.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey all!

You've been busy EM, how nice that ur son is enjoying maths class. Is he strong in maths?

it's nice weather today - we're getting some sun finally. I've been having trouble sleeping and actually moved my bed into the spare room (change of scene!) so setting that up. Nothing in there but a bed at the moment and might set up a little salt lamp beside it - hoping it will feel minimal and soothing. What colour sheets do u guys reckon? Is grey too prison like? Lol I'm trying to create calm vibes to welcome the sleep (and wade off the nightmares....)

I've heard of that book EM! But the person who recommended it to me I don't really like - she's so so preachy about things and was sort of INSISTING I read it. So for that reason I was put off. But the book itself is like a huge bestseller.... I think he must make some good points and its not just a lighthearted read?

Let us know if you enjoy it 🙂

It must be nice EM to have had your son who recently moved out visit you on the weekend. (even to do his laundry) I was happy to read that. Nice that he can gradually adjust to living away and drop in and visit you as well as being "independent." How is he going in his new place?
And how are you?!

Keep smiling 🙂

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21!

What a great idea moving your bed into the spare room!

SOUNDS AWESOME, you got it all happening Sleepy21, you go girl!

Ummm may I make a suggestion? Because I KNOW I come across preachy lol SORRY!

Look at the sheet sets and whatever colour "sparks joy" or "feels calm" or whatever feeling you want imbued in that bed, go there.

Have you seen the gorgeous Marie Kondo special on Netflix?
She also has a free audio book online - I LOVE HER lol.
Love the simplicity and processes of hers, they really speak to me!

I have lime green sheets.
I also have pure white ones.

My flannelette sheets are either a white with a gold coloured royal pattern OR my sweet little grandma flowery ones lol, being a grandma and all, I thought they were cute.

Whatever sparks joy gorgeous girl.

Son sparks joy but what he's going through does NOT lol. Missing underwear etc at the other house. Oh well...

I had a straight talk with Y last night (I never know which way my straight talks will go lol... so far so good!) and told her she needs to think about leaving school as soon as she can. The enviro there is just NOT good for her MH.

Hmmm so this morning I made her pancakes for brekky lol. Then I actually heard her singing omg - voice like an angel.
THEN just now she told me she wants to go back to Dancing next year.

OMG... (she said next year guys... so excited she's talking 'future talk')...

She took a shift someone was giving away for tonight lol.
Will pop back later.

The salt lamps are so relaxing Sleepy21, nice one.

xxxxEM