new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Aww Sleepy, thats sweet. ❤ thank you for being here for me too. I haven't been as good as i hoped to be since the drugging by the CAT Team & family. Ive been an absolute mess, with a host of emotions. Thought id be stronger but im not. Some days are better than others and when im bad, i feel terrible.
Im here whenever you need support.
Blubes xx

[ecomama]

No need to thank me Blubes.
Anyone who doesn't have empathy for Victorians and their hardships can't be in touch with their own humanity. Yes you had no choice but it's very brave just the same.
xxxx

When I saw my brother & sil arrive today, my first thought was "What do they want?"
They usually only visit when they want something... so I was waiting, waiting, waiting.. lol.

Even the kids said "What did they want?"

We know SIL to be a jealous person. So what they wanted was for sil to see (how good) all my new appliances were lol.
I'm not like that. I don't care and am very happy for what others have. And tell them lol.

It's weird though.
I know why I don't remember sil is like this, it's because I'm not.

There's a bit of history after c30y though.

Brother and sils finances are separate.
The saddest thing was one day a couple of years ago, during the Settlement part of the Courts, when after years of brother's promise that he was going to "buy" half this house to help us out... they both arrived and brother dropped the bombshell that he wasn't doing it.

It wasn't going to COST him anything... it was a mortgage in "name only". I even had all the legal paperwork drawn up for JUST that. Protecting him 100%.

sil didn't want to see me succeed.
Very sad after everything I've helped the with over the years. All my kids were crying and triggering and panicking - it was HORRIBLE.
But there it is.

I would NEVER do that to him. He knows that.

By a miracle of God lol, I was able to make some extremely swift manouevres & make the full loan application and exchange with 13 minutes to spare that week.

Mmmm I know that brother would've helped me.
sil must have put the fear of losing everything in him and he ditched us all.

sil looks down on me. I'm very nice & loving to her. I wouldn't know her but for my brother.
I've never betrayed his trust but he's betrayed mine a number of times now lol...

I've noticed that as long as sil DOESN'T know he's helping us, like a few pages back, I found demon had put potting mix in the house guttering - brother came, got on the roof & cleaned out almost 2 x 11L buckets of the stuff but probably because he didn't believe me lol... then he's a pretty perfect brother.

Our mother hasn't helped. She made it perfectly clear that she's tried to separate us for decades. I asked brother not to let her...

But the kids don't trust him AT ALL now. I expect nothing from him now.

Karma can be a real beach sometimes.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:Thanks so much for your support through this. I have thanked you prior but thanking you again. Yeh, another 2 weeks, Ems. We have no choice but to hang in there.
Did you have a good time seeing your bro & sil? What do you believe is up? I mean you did say it was strange that sil wanted to see your appliances? That is strange after all this time?
Your children sounds much happier, Ems. Great to know.
Blubes

Hugs to you all... I answered this better on my thread just now...

I've been MIA today because of all the vacuuming up of my time with the kids. Everyone's still trying to settle with situation of son leaving.

Alexa just spent FIVE HOURS on the phone to me and she was here for almost 12 hours yesterday. Issues with her ex, discussing son's situation, helping her with her work situations... ahhh talking about Tax Returns and investments cheeses just a Universal talk lol!

I still haven't had dinner lol.

Yeah sil on my thread lol. Ewww difficult.

I love her and extend love to her but she's.... knowing I DO do this but is not the same type of person.

xxxxEM

[ecomama]

YAY to the Hairdressers lol!

Yvette's a natural, it was ME who needed guidance re: son lol. I only told ONE person at work last week about son, a 28yo girl. She told me what to do, how to react etc because of her & her mother's experiences.

I followed that & partially just realising son was under immense strain from psychological & financial abuse from that family.

Out of respect to me, Yvette didn't react to son's words yesterday but wanted to talk to me about it all today and we both went WOAH... same reaction inside but not shared with son.

Yvette's had 2 huge boughts of depression and suicidal feelings this year re: SA in her younger childhood.
Tbh son leaving home was the LAST thing Yvette needed to end a horrible year for her.

My children are angels lol. The sun doesn't shine from their proverbials but they're really great kids.

My psych friend told me today that she has thought prodigal son has autism for a while now and was waiting for me to mention it. I mentioned it tonight again and she agrees.

OK.... this makes things change around many notches now in how I relate to son.
AND how I expect son to relate to me and us also, not only when he's here but also when he's away.

He's an absolute darling but he's being led up the garden path by this family.

Anyway, I need to eat dinner and pick up Yvette at midnight from work... mmmm... and be bright eyed and have a tail for work tomorrow. Lol.

LOVED the rain tonight! YAY! Water in my tanks lol.

GO RIGHT TO THE END OF 25kms peeps and LOVE it!!!! Getting there... xxxx EM

[Guest_1643]

hey, the brother sounds kind! helpful and wanting to support...

did you feel they wanted something from the visit?
To see the appliances? interesting that she cares about that....

i hope you get to eat dinner and enjoy your night... sounds very hectic with lots of visitors and conversations oer the weekend. life is busy for you guys!

[ecomama]

HI SLeepy21

Yes I finally got to have some dinner at almost midnight. I'm really tired today. Alot of running about and physical working and quite a bit of emotional stuff happening too.

Yes I wrote about brother and sil a few posts back.

Their visit yesterday has brought up alot of past memories about them ie their actions / inactions towards me over my hardest times. Frankly they weren't "there for us".

Sil didn't so much as offer us a meal over all those Court years. I found out by staying there over a few weekends (because I asked if I could not because they offered) that she never cooks and it was WEIRD.

They live a few streets away and I wouldn't see or hear from them for 9 months at a time.

I can SEE what happens.
Brother offers help to me in front of sil.
She looks "urk" and shrugs backwards - not liking that.
Then later when I call on that help.
They withdraw the help.

Sadly it's obvious sil is jealous... so unnecessarily ... and tried to disable me, even steal from me.
It's crazy because her rich OS parents have bought everything for her including her house and every brand new car in over 40y, paid for OS trips, anything she asked for. They felt alot of guilt about what they did to her (put her in a Boarding School at 3yo with serious abuse that happened & it's been brought to Courts in now).

But sil has a void that can't be satisfied. Now she's even more disabled which I tried to help with. It seemed to make her more demanding not less, and DEFINITELY not grateful at all lol!
I'm too busy so I stopped.

Yesterday morning I told bf that I've totally given up on brother.
He doesn't acknowledge ANY of my kid's bdays not even by text.
He doesn't spend any Christmases, Easters, nothing with us at all.
Then they visited lol.

I love brother dearly. But the r/ship was set up a long time ago that I am the helper and they are the receivers.

Maybe he cares IDK.

The visit yesterday was only for sil to sticky beak at my new appliances. Fickle.

I'm not about what ppl have.
I'm about who ppl are.

Possessions don't impress me. I never compare what others have to me. It's simply a useless pursuit and waste of time lol.

I just try to make sensible decisions and better my situation for my kids and I in the hopes that one day I will be more financially stable and at the end, my kids have a healthy inheritance.

Pretty simple lol.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM - it sounded like that dynamic where they are trying to benefit in some way.
I agree with you possessions and seeking them out is a pretty futile purpose - to look at what you can gain from every situation.
They didn't seem to be able to support you through all that time which is hard. I'm sorry they didn't support you. Family should, hey?

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

Yeah you'd think when family can, they would want to help.

I just think my family see me as strong and competent. Never in need of anything - which isn't true.
I would have LOVED another adult to help a little! I asked for help so many times - nothing.

It was so insanely hard battling so many Courts, living off Church Pantry food, trying to provide the very barest of essentials for my kids and work as well - all with C-PTSD. Every cent went to Lawyers, Barrister and essential utilities / petrol etc to save my kids.

I applied for every Hardship application I could find. These paid for some school uniforms but even then one son had to go to school with tape around his shoes.
Things like that you never forget.

demon did that to us.

My family wanted to see me fail.

Even Alexa's partner & in-laws sided with demon and put horrible pressure on me to give in to demon's demands (which was worse than failure to me, it meant handing my kids over to the worst kind of abuser). They made so many false reports about me, it was very distressing.

I know what type of sister I've been to brother.
He wasn't the same to me.

sil wanted to see me fail.
in the end so did brother and he pulled all support for being on mortgage on paper only.

Every human support that could have been there was absent.

Hence I relied on God. My Uncle said he doesn't believe in an "Interventionist God" and neither does U2 lol. But God didn't create the problems of the world. Evil has.

God did intervene in my life. On every road at the very end of every point - that was when a miracle occurred.

The funny thing is that now I KNOW that I did this all by myself, raised beautiful children who are very loving and kind. Kept my job lol.

My work now is creating the home we want. Have a clean and organised space and beautiful garden.

And the appliances work lol!

My psych friend told me tonight that "resilience is the key". She said everyone will get knocked down again and again, we need to be resilient.

I hope I raised resilient children. I Pray for that also.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM

You did deserve another adult presence to help you through and it's so sad when during tough times people disappear.
I'm really sad you had to spend so much money to fight the monster and to preserve your family. It's very stressful and disorienting to have to do that. But you did it for your family. And you did it with so little support.

I'm so proud of you and also here for you, feeling all that you went through.

When you write "My work now is creating the home we want. Have a clean and organised space and beautiful garden." - i think this work is pretty much everything.
I was neglected and grew up among piles and piles of young (hoarder parents) with a garden that scared me - overgrown, weeds....

Giving kids an ORDERLY space seems to me so important. Order protects us. I'm so happy you have a thriving, orderly and fun home for your family. A safe base for all of u

[ecomama]

Wow Sleepy21, I did TOO!

ie Grew up in the most disorderly home. The garden had lots of food growing in it but everything was always a mess and I worked like Cinderella lol.

There was NEVER importance on homework and mother always sabotaged my homework.

My kids know their homework is their own responsibility but I will help in any ways I can.
I've always provided whatever they need for their education. And LOTS of study spaces. They've been pretty studious but a few have tapered off their love for school. Yvette hates school now, sadly.

I haven't got the orderly home yet! We had to move the contents of the entire downstairs upstairs - whatever was valuable, whilst demon still had access to half the house.

demon used this time to enter and break anything he could still, just like when it lived here.
Every single light fitting down there was broken off - electrician fixed all those a month ago.
And demon dumped rubbish down there also.
And all around our garden.

I found so much rubbish under the lantana we removed!
I'm digging up rubbish from the earth.

It used to be sad, triggering and overwhelming (PTSD) but now I just say 'yeah another thing'.
There are SO MANY steel beams buried way down the back that I was thinking of getting the recyclers to come and take them away IF they'd do it.

But they may be useful to build the cabin lol!

We had 8 square metres of rubbish taken away last week. I've been filling neighbour's bins on garbage night for years! And now filling Alexa's complex's skip bins too lol.

I've done Council pickups every year since demon left. I didn't realise demon was just bringing back tons more - literally. Instead of paying tip fees.

Hence Victim's Services put in CCTV, to protect us AND our property OR catch it happening.

Only THIS year am I now seeing some progress and ofcourse seeing the damage also.

It's very exhausting.

Once things are fixed & glass room done and other repairs, we can paint. We have the paint lol!
demon dumped alot of paint here too and we're USING it.

Once the painting's done it will look SO MUCH nicer.

I'm exhausted though. I want to spend more time with the kids than be working all the time.

Love EM