new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Ugh IDK! You'd have more luck googling that.

We're organic gardeners here so we do all sorts to keep things chugging along. We don't use pesticides or such in our garden or home.

We DO have a Gardening Thread here I started, I'm sure there are people who could help you more there, sorry dearest.

I just finished vacuuming up the flies! Lol! Great having that handy vac now.

OMG my face is HOT PINK like a beetroot! My gardener DID arrive thank goodness and we just did a solid 5 hours in the garden. We are removing lantana that took hold during the dark ages here lol. It was covering over 600sq metres of my garden, right UP to the back door!
This year I started there pulling it out and keeping the lantana under control just there... whilst watching GROW Like mountainous clouds down further lol.

omg I'm so in love with my garden. the poor long suffering thing.

We found a lemon tree that had sprouted from the neighbour's lemon tree AND I AM SO HAPPY!
We replanted it in another section of my garden and thankyou God! These lemons are to die for seriously. But it only has 3 stalks on it atm lol.

I'll have to rave more on the gardening thread.

XXXXEM

[Croix]

Dear the both of you~

Um, you have had a lot to say. Blueberry, thank you for replacing the missing generation (reminds me of a particular Womble).

So now you have a new computer and are faced with one of the most re-traumatizing tasks, as you not only have to conjure the events up in your mind, but think on how most effectively to phrase them, and in what order.

So may I ask two questions? Firstly do you really want to do this, and are there legal reasons why you have to?

The way the law in even the best of civilized countries is set up is grossly imperfect and not a justice system. I still regret a fair number of the actions I had to take as a policeman, not though unkindness or being dishonest or unfair, simply doing the duties the law said had to be done.

I am sorry to paint a picture that is far from rosy, however you deserve the truth. I don't think I'm trying to dissuade you as much as point out some potential stumbling blocks.

The second question is do you have to do the paper all by yourself alone. Is there anyone who can help, either by being a comforting presence, or actually sorting and may be discussing - not a legal person, just someone with intelligence? Also can you get psych help as you need it during this process?

EM: One is sometimes limited in what can be said here however I guess one might know what you mean, once a child has reached adulthood and has behaved in an extreme damaging manner they are still your child, but the natural parental trust has gone and I think it would take somethng really exceptional for it to be restored. If I look at myself I cannot imagine what that might be. It is tragic.

One of my many movies is ghastly though well done, it has real triggers all the time due to its realism, yet I keep it as a divided family (ARVN vs VC&NVA) comes together at the end. It was based on a true story and I often wonder if the family remained reunited.

Excuse me talking of movies, they and books help me keep perspective on the world and I naturally fail to resit the impulse to mention them.

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear GREAT great Uncle Croix, because you're great not old lol!

Thankyou for your kind & wise words as ALWAYS.

I want Bluberry to contact Women's Legal Service for legal advice and support.
I LOVE THIS Organisation to bits. I cannot recommend them highly enough. They were ELITE in their information for me. It's guaranteed they're not talking to you for money!

Indeed our Legal system sees SO LITTLE justice, I prefer Tribal Law to be frank.

In my reality atm lol, my adult children all came over tonight, helped in the garden, bought dinner. They asked what happened with my brother back in the dark ages. I told them. They were aghast & said I shouldn't speak to him again. Would I extend the same favour he rejected in your greatest time of need back to him?

I said when I was little & my brother died, I Prayed for God to GIVE HIM BACK to me. I couldn't believe God loved me at all. I was bereft. Then the most beautiful baby came to be my brother. We adopted him. I LOVED HIM more than anything. He was MY baby too. I did & do anything for him to protect him & love him.

Yes I would give him whatever I could, whatever he asked.
Forgiving is easy for me. Forgetting is not.
My ACs said "we knew you'd say that".... one was crying & said sorry for what I went through, what they put me through.
It was emotional.

I will never trust anyone 100%. No one on earth. I can trust partly, never completely.
I've only realised this in the past year and I'm really happy and REALLY OK with this.

My ACs did betray me.
They caused the most severe hurt I'd never felt before.

But I understand the efficiency of the psychopath that caused their betrayal.
They are all NC with said creature.

It took ACs a VERY long time to see any value in me. Do I care? um not really lol.

I KNOW my true value & that means more to me than anyone else's opinions of me.... AND I MEAN ANYONE lol.

As Brene Brown says: (very sic lol) 'The world is full of cheap seats. SO unless you're in the arena WITH me fighting the same fight, facing the same battles... I'm not interested in your feedback about me'... and there it is. I simply don't care unless someone has trodden the same or very similar path.

I had virtually gone NC with ACs and kept schtum about what was happening after their betrayal. I didn't trust them at all. Now? They are working very hard indeed to build their relationships with ALL of us here.

We are working TOGETHER now. Thank God.

EM

[ecomama]

Surprises tooboot last night lol.

One son told us that he's virtually decided to study Accountancy at Uni.

My ACs tried immediately to talk him out of it... I jumped in and said "EVery family needs a good accountant!" and I cannot believe he's falling into a career pattern of my father's family lol.

He got 100% in Math omg. And said he LOVES Financial maths ROFL... how can anyone LOVE finances?
But indeed we do I guess.

He'll be perfect for it. A total straighty 180. Disciplined, studious, calculating ALL the time! He even put thousands of his dollars against my home loan to save and also help my reduce my interest lol.

What a gem.

He wanted to study Family Law but I KNOW this would have been extremely difficult emotionally for him. He still triggers big time when he hears of harm to children.
ACs wanted to push him into this. But I know the market is flooded with Lawyers and I think the FL system will have to break down at some point because IT DOESN'T WORK.

If only we were signed up to International Acts that protect children.
We're not.
Still horribly uncivilised.

Hence my yearning for tribal law here. lol.

EM

[Guest_498]

Ems,

That's fantastic news that he wants to study accounting!! Do something that you're good at, I'd say!! I'd give him all the encouragement he needs. I'm terrible with math, and YES rofl, too... how can that anyone LOVE finances?? lol. Na, all jokes aside, I'm sooo happy for him and for you too. xx He sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders and love for him mum too. What he did with helping keep down the interest is very noble. He's a gem just like his mum.

We do have tribal (indigenous customary) law here in Australia, though it conflicts with white law and hasn't been recognized nor codified. The practice is however, acceptable and exists within indigenous communities.

Family law is an area of law where the money is - that and litigation. So, if he's interested in this area I'd say GO FOR IT!!! Again, I'm super proud of him.

In terms of the rights of children, Australia has ratified (sign) the Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC) which safeguards their right to protection from abuse & exploitation, their right to a voice in matters that affect them & the right to shelter and be cared for. These beautiful little people are further protected within our criminal laws as well.

I'll answer your other thread, as well as uncle Croix's soon. xx

[ecomama]

xxx Bluberry.

Never a dull effing moment.

Dog vomited from stress & anxiety from the groomer & she's the kindest groomer we know!

If only that was the only dilemma today.

I'm angry. exs narc, lunatic mother went to the children's WORK PLACE. By chance one of my sons was there getting food (not working). He ran into her. When he came home he was still pale faced, in shock & shaking.
His last memory of that demon was when it was literally screaming down the phone at me after son called to get his dad to take him to the hospital. I was home but the other chn were sleeping.

After I said a few lines of truth back to the nutcase, I hung up.
Woke our neighbour. She minded my sleeping chn.
Took son to hospital for asthma.
Horrible, with me still shaking from the abuse.

I NEVER allowed the chn to call any of them for help again.

I had 1h sleep that night & went to work.

Today. Cards for all their birthdays. Some months late.

Stapled in each card ( I've read all of them and feel sick) there are pages of bs... saying directly that they now have the choice of seeing them all, & do not have to be told by their mother not to see them.

Such ignorance. It was the children initially who BEGGED me not to make them see ex or it's family ever again. I had to make them see ex because of the stupidity of FL. When their psych & furthermore FACS told me to withhold the children. I was terrified FL would take them off me. As they DO without any regard for the safety of children & hand them over to abusive parents.

So many children are no longer with us because of violent parents.
FL made the other parent hand them over.

SO many that they barely make the news, if at all. The Red Heart Foundation is the ONLY place where these children & mothers (usually) are commemorated. It's a horrifying memorial & one ALL Australians should see.
Otherwise they're not even noticed by the broader community. It disgusts me.

I just showed another son his card. He said "You didn't make us not see them. WE made YOU fight for us. They can go to hell" indeed they will.
That son wants to join the Police force.

I want to call, text demon, write it a letter. Scream where no one can hear me. But instead I'll cry in the bath and Pray this ends. Write in my diary.
Write more in my book for the children should they have questions & I'm not here to answer. There are enough Court docs to sink a battleship. The lies stand out. The truth shines.

My children lived it.

EM

[Guest_498]

Oh Ems … I don't know what to say. You sound so rattled, and you have every right to be. Your poor baby having turned white as ghost! I'm angry that they've decided to haunt you again. WHY was the demon's mother there? what does she want? ugh. It's clearly triggering bad memories and trauma for you today - I'm so sorry about your ordeal. Thinking abouot your son, too. I hope you both can find comfort in each other, have a distraction of some description and try to forget her ugly face or presence. Take a breather. She can no longer hurt you.

Love Blubes

[ecomama]

Thanks Bluberry. I had a long hot bath and scrubbed every cm of my body.
I watched "The Repair Shop" on ABC iView and loved it.

All the while quite deeply triggering over all my family heirlooms destroyed - literally smashed by demon mother and son. And demon mthr actions today. I'll call it DM.

DM showed up at the children's workplace to leave cards there for the children's bdays. A few have their bday this weekend, becoming adults. Other cards were bdays DM missed, as DM usually DOES miss their bdays entirely.

Not her own. DM managed to send scathing, attempts at laying unadulterated guilt & hatred on the chn around HER bday. Queen of all narcs. Family laden with them.

You see their usual triangulation option was the kid's school.This year I sought legal advice & spoke with the main person allowing these creatures access to the school whenever they felt like it. Leaving letters whatevs.
Terrifying the chn that School was NOT SAFE.

YEARS OF THIS and no matter how many meetings I had with said person or how much I emplored that their MH was extremely negatively affected, it meant not a dot and I was FURIOUS.

I knew this person was WAY out of line according to their Departmental Policies and I knew these Policies back to front. Didn't matter a dot.

Legal advice was that I could personally sue this person & I told her so this year. She must STOP all access as they have ZERO legal rights to the chn AT ALL. I was prepping to sue.

She stopped their access.... FINALLY.

So they've sought the chns work place now. DM took cards there. How dare it.

My children are it's ONLY grandchildren without massive addictions to everything. The only ones WORKING, even though they're the youngest. The only ones set on careers.
DM wants money. It primed all other g/chn in FRONT OF ME to give her money & "keep" her into her old age. I said "Don't look at my chn to support you". She told me for the entire dirty marriage that I SHOULD support her too!

OMG ROFL... no way. DM DEMANDED I pay for .... wait for it.... plastic surgery for her.... hair replacements therapy bc it was BALDING.... I had bought diamonds for my daughters.... DM demanded diamonds from me.
Oh what are you on?
And courses & car repairs & clothes & shoes.
We always had to supply food when we were INVITED there. Oh the list goes on.

Via ex they stole 10s of thousands of dollars from me. Stole daughters' jewellery, stole anything that was of worth & wasn't tied down.

They're all gamblers also.
EM

[Guest_498]

Hey uncle Croix & lovely Ems,

I couldn't open word to edit my complaint today. I tried on a few occasion and I .. I just COULDN'T!! What is wrong with me? I'm hard on myself for feeling so weak (I used to be so strong). I kept reminding myself that they cannot hurt me, that I'm safe. This is unbelievable.

Uncle Croix, I do have to do the paper work all alone, for I haven't got anyone in my life. I have no family, and my friends and support network are all gone. They've been alienated from me. All doors were effectively shut on me. I have to build up a network with new people I meet, essentially starting over. I'm all alone right now. Absolutely no psych help atm - perhaps one day, but not right now. The only professional help I require is a darn good lawyer. Ems, I will be contacting the Women's legal Centre for advice and support.

Uncle, to answer your question .. yes, I do want to do this for several reasons excluding any legal reasons. The main reason is to seek clear answers as to what happened to me - to ascertain the truth in order to get closure. In other words, why did they do what they did (motive). Another reason is, community protection. I do NOT want any body else to go through what I went through. And lastly, I want to do this for the purpose of accountability - the individuals involved must at least acknowledge the harm/ hurt they've caused.

I wanted to forget and to simply move forward, but I find myself in greater agony with the inaction .. it doesn't make any sense, as I'm also finding it painful when I do take action (editing my letter). Arrghhh! This is UNREAL!! Another added layer of torment is accessing justice - it's going to be extremely difficult with stumbling blocks, so you're not painting any pictures that I don't already know. Yes, it is far from rosy but I'd rather die trying than to regret never trying at all. Whatever will be, will be.

Blubes x

[ecomama]

Blubes, firstly there's nothing wrong with you. You're a normal person who's suffered abuse & these abuses are triggering you, not surprisingly, because that's what trauma does.

I suggest you close it up now.

Phone Women's Legal Service & amongst anything you want to ask them...
Ask if you can email your work so far for editing.

There are also Community Legal services whom you may be able to call. Atm Covid would prevent you from visiting in person but this could be a saving Grace. I know I just cry when having to articulate these events, IDK if you are same but distress is a visible thing.

This anxiety you're feeling is counter acting any progress you want to make.

Whilst you have a break until you phone a Legal service, Google grounding exercises & search here too re: anxiety.

You need to have MANY grounding techniques to help you cope if you are going to move forward with your plans. I had staunch training from the Red Heart Foundation of their tried & true practices of grounding for all us exiting DV r/ships & going through similar.

I had many I needed to do at different times. Screeching anxiety is what I'd call driving to the Court House(s), parking the car, going up secret lifts, accompanied by Security, waiting in the Safe Room, entering Court to wait in the "audience" ugh.
Then moving to my seat.
Sitting at the table.

At one point I wanted to vomit. I didn't have a vomit bag. I saw a bin near a Security Officer next to me & thought I would use that. Instead I sipped water provided in small sips & tried to focus on the glass & God.
Next time I took vomit bags.

You need to practice these techniques NOW. As in right now. Find that peace inside you. It's there, but clouded by trauma.

Find all the ones you can. Practice these. See which ones work better than others.
These are your soothers as you will need to self soothe and self settle.

A word of awareness... for reasons unbeknownst to me Judges, male or female, "change" their approach when a person gets upset in the Court Room. I witnessed this "change" in their demeanour so many times and it was sobering. They just don't like it.

I can't understand why a person WOULDN'T get upset hearing, seeing. knowing the worst things being said against them. But they seem to respect a person more if they remain composed. I saw this too & was commended on my composure. Congratulated even by one Judge. Totally weird.

If they only knew the torment and desperation inside me.

Love EM