new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes, this LDR means I need therapy lol!

LDR - Long Distance Relationship. 🙄lol.

Aha the good ole win / lose scenario....combined with his other behaviours, very "Alpha male" I found out from psych friend. She told me how the whole alpha male concept originated.
VERY wounded males.

I haven't contacted bf, awaiting his "Rules of Engagement". Boundaries are required so that's that.

YD had asked for meds before. So if the GP & I concede then that's what she asked for. I know YD also has Oppositional Defiance (could have Disorder on the end). No official diagnosis. But I know what it looks like, it looks like this.

But there's a twist to her behaviours I noticed very young. About 2yo. She had "the look" of my mother. Eldest D saw it too. We both looked at each other, scared. I sought MH help back then. Psych said as long as I provide all the nurturing possible then any "onsets" could be averted or delayed.

I didn't know she was being SA by her father.

So as much as my nurturing was always there when I was home, the damage was still being done. I can't describe certain things for concern perps with same deranged minds read this.

I asked YD about seeing GP again on her school hols? She said yes.
Did she want to discuss meds? She said yes.

She has SO MUCH anger inside her that comes out less & less but she's burying it down.
I asked her if she wants to join Karate?
Kick boxing?
Self defence classes?
Yes but not right now.

She's set on doing her HSC online from home but wants to stay at school to start Year 11 & try it. She can ONLY do ONE or the other. She can't do both simultaneously, not even to start with.

These are the Catch 22s mother expected me to MAKE happen - impossible things to do.

I noticed her being passive aggressive today. If I even walk near her in the kitchen then she huffs, puffs, gets angry. Same as mother.
They both WANT(ED) me to do specific tasks for them but made it impossible.

They both told me I didn't love them, which ofcourse I did 100% but both made it near impossible to be close to them. I think I only had 1 photo of me near my mother after about 1yo. She would never hug me back when I hugged her. She would never kiss my cheek as I did hers whilst she ignored me or worse. But she demanded I kiss her before I leave to go anywhere.

Impossible. Mind effing. Very very sad.

(I must add ex into all this too as he did these things being a psychopath - but far worse).

It's totally effed. Boundaries needed.

EM

[Guest_498]

She wants to be medicated and wants the help - thats always positive. I would want thw help too if I know theres something wrong. Thats fantastic news, Ems
Lol. LDR - yessss you need help there!! Jkids .. LDR Idk. Never had one, ever. It must be tough. I dont think I could do it.

[Croix]

Dear Blueberry and EM

LDR means a long distance relationship where communication between the 2 parties is via electronic or postal means. Sort of a head on a TV. This spans the globe and brings people from totally different environments together.

It is possible to make great efforts to include the other party in one's life, but that is mostly rare and impractical.

It has upsides - at least there is contact and is cheap, and downsides, the main one being you are not living with the person all the time, they are somebody you switch on as convenient and even then only see a minute part of their daily life and attitudes. Other disadvantages are obvious.

I'm sorry EM if I do not sound that enthusiastic, however I suspect the roles have changed, from "supporter in diversity" to "personal" and his shortcomings are becoming very noticable

With other definitions you will have to look up S/M for yourself, I'm not prepared to describe it here.

On a slightly brighter note EM your YD has a mature you and your influence, backed by your years of personal experiences. Your mother did not. Although you were there it was not the same thing.

Croix

PS: Blueberry you missed out a "great" 🙂

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems,
So my new pc arrived yesterday. I've put off editing my complaint for a solid 2 weeks now, as my pc died. Got new one and intend to continue with the draft.
This is going to be a trigger & will put me in a very bad position, mentally. I don't know if I'll cope. 😢

[Guest_498]

Heya great, great uncle Croix (kwah),
I hope you're well. Just wanted to say hello.
Blubes.

[ecomama]

Hi GREAT Uncle Croix lol & Blubes and all

Yes our LDR has had many advantages for me in my situation. Esp for the first 4 years.

ex was extremely effective at his social & familial isolation abuse & turned almost everyone he knew of in my life against me. Even my eldest children.

ex had approached EVERYONE; every family member (over 50 of them) & every friend he knew of.

I didn't KNOW he was doing this.
ex was very successful, conniving, cunning (Police called him) & thorough.
it is a VERY convincing liar - all psychopaths are.

It took years for some to "come back" to me. Some are gone forever.

ex went to extreme lengths to get between BF & I.

BFs support throughout Courts & Police investigations and extreme duress was unwavering. His character stood out like a Prince amongst men.

ex even mentioned BF in Affidavits!

ex found out BFs name SOME how.

Fortunately BF is an American citizen so was untouchable in our cases. BF had never visited Australia (and I told him NOT to whilst all this was going on). The things ex said BF had done when he was in Australia, did not happen because he had NEVER been to Australia.

I'm not defending the marvel of LDRs lol, it's just how things unfolded for us.

BF and I became "best friends" in an online support group but with personal messaging available. It was a year before he PMd me. He thought as they all did that I may have committed suicide. I had been "banned" from all online access by ex whilst separated under one roof. ex cut all access off.

ex was losing control over the situation and me. ex was going apesh** all the time.

Police were "in" ex's pocket, he pointed out daily.

We had around 10 "close friends" in our online group. As things escalated here they all banded together, got legal advice and had all paperwork ready for me to flee to the U.S. with the children.
I couldn't leave my adult children.

We've now met all of these online friends IRL from Canada to Cali to Florida and England.

I'd lost everyone here, I had no one. They were my only constant supports.

Over time with Counselling, I have been able to "somewhat repair" my relationships with adult children, my brother and Uncle. A few friends of over 40y I had lost, came back to me.
ex must've lost their numbers lol.

The bond forged with BF was in the most extreme circumstances for me.
He FINALLY came out to Aust last year, 1 month after Courts were finished.

EM

[ecomama]

As you all know this year I was formally diagnosed with Complex PTSD, Anxiety and mention of depression.

It's tough.

But BF is now going through his own extreme duress. Being an engineer who repairs instruments that test for Covid all over America and Canada.
He had to move away from all family and live by himself.
He flies constantly and virtually lives in motels now.

In the past I spent weeks at a time with him flying all over.

It's really wonderful when we're together but he clearly has depression now and knows it.

We can't see each other.

We cancelled our 1 month trip to the U.S. with all my younger children, planned for this Christmas. All of his family were SO excited to have us there for Christmas. They can't wait to meet the children. We had an amazing trip planned for us all.
Covid stopped that trip.

Now we have no idea when we'll be able to see each other next and BFs depression has deepened.
My anxiety went stratospheric due to his high risk job.
I sought help.

BF doesn't want to.

The plan was / is IDK... that he will retire here with me.
The cost of this is unbelievable but it is what it is.

Interim plans were made but Covid has prevented our ability to see any of these through at all.

Later I may spend up to 6 months there at a time.

Neither of us were thinking to marry until we could live together for good.
Marriage was the only option for us to live together in either country long term.
I hadn't planned on marrying anyone again.
He wants to regardless.

I wouldn't have anyone living with me, married or not, whilst the children are under 18yo. So there's my time stamp. Another benefit of LDR for me is that I have the freedom to raise my children, uninterrupted.

Right now I feel like I can't abandon him during his time of need when he supported me throughout mine. So we have roughed it this year with our issues. The first rough year for our relationship.

I can't imagine being with anyone but him. I don't want to.

But regardless of stress and depression, anxiety and PTSD (moreso probably BECAUSE of these) we need some boundaries to support us.

More than a nutshell. lol.

EM

[Guest_498]

Hi Ems,

Battling through any mental condition is tough to say the least. You're doing extremely well. Your bf was there for you through your challenges when you needed him. He was by your side to support you - that showed loyalty, care, love and decency. This is the loyalty you wanted from a partner (as you've previously stated). He's now suffering depression and he needs you. You feel as if you can't turn your back on him and you don't have to. Your life is yours, Ems. Your happiness is dependent on you, and if he makes you happy darl, then do what you need to do to keep him in your life. This should be effort on his behalf too. No relationship is perfect. No one is perfect. There'll be fights and arguments along the way in any relationship, but try not to normalize or minimize any abuses.

So your ex gaslighted, manipulate and turned everyone against you, just like my sister did to me? Yea, these sociopaths wreck and damage ppl's relationships without empathy or remorse. It's just devastating and WRONG. Glad you're not with him any more.

[ecomama]

Yes ex did and for 20 years, he's still trying to avidly. I get feedback from people, even if it's unwanted feedback. All my cousins I nurtured as babies and throughout their lives, turned vehemently against me.

My adult children too. This broke my heart as they were cruel and vindictive even though I had spent my life providing for them and caring deeply for them. This still hurts.

My Counsellor said for me to be persistently and consistently myself. Do not try to urgently and desperately defend myself. It was all to no avail.

I withdrew. The family celebrations I attended, I was ignored. Usually they just demanded I drop the children off and stay away. I spent days and nights forlorn and bewildered.

ex and its entire family joined with my mother and one particularly spiteful son in law who repeatedly reported me to Police for the most disgusting ad horrid things one could be accused of. Sometimes I vomited at the thought. Welfare checks were made and nothing near the reports were happening at all.

I didn't find out any of this until I went to a secret Court and saw the 14 pages of reports these vindictive and hateful people said about me. Spineless as they were, they never said this to me and reported anonymously to DOCS / FACS. I could tell who said what by the words they used.

I need to be free of this. It haunts me still.

Now all of these people, I'm shocked to say, are trying to do the "buy back" with me and my youngest children.
I have an unopened letter from my mother I received yesterday and I will ask my uncle to read it on Sunday, if he comes.
We needed to find ways of forgiving my eldest children, not trusting them, forgiving them.

Today my gardener is supposed to come. I will help him in the garden or he will help me lol.
My garden is an analogy of my life. Relentless hard work, lots of sh** to clear, rubbish to remove of exs, no happiness. Little beauty but progress which is something.

I'm tired already.

EM

[Guest_498]

I hope the gardener gets there today to help you. Your garden sounds like it's coming along beautifully though. Lol, I hate gardening although I love a green, manicured garden. Q: on gardening .. I bought weed n kill for lawn to get rid of weeds and feed the lawn. Ive been told this solution kills your plants. Is this true?