new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hi everyone

I don't want anyone to think they're cutting in to my thread or post lol, please talk away!
I know how few people we all have to be really honest with, so I want people to open up here.

Thankyou Blubes and monkey_magic and Croix (I think it's pronounced Croy?)

I really appreciate your feedback about what happened with bf.
No 2 ways about it, I WANT honest feedback so I'm extremely grateful. Thankyou.

Today sighhh I had blurred vision last night - headaches continued. I saw an allied health professional and apparently only just missed ex - it was coming in after me and they stagger my appt to suit.
Yes this gave me far higher vigilance on the way out and all the way home.
I'm feeling a little better h/ache wise.

Bf... I texted the 4 boundaries during the night but I was feeling unwell and apparently it wasn't "clear enough" to bf. In fact he didn't even know what I was talking about. Even though I articulated them verbally several times - it was not clear.

SO I TEXTED THE 4 POINTS IN UPPER CASE.

Just to be VERY clear. Whilst he was arguing the point. He fluffed around my question of "What are your boundaries?" Since I had upset him so much? He could only offer fluff.

I will write my 4 boundaries here (measurable, clear and observable I hope!).

MY FOUR BOUNDARIES. DO NOT:
1. CALL ME NAMES
2. HANG UP ON ME
3. THREATEN ME
4. SAY I'VE SAID THINGS I HAVEN'T SAID, TURN THEM AROUND INTO A PLETHORA OF YOUR OWN MAKING AND THROW THEM BACK AT ME AS THOUGH I SAID THEM.

After asking him 3 days in a row to outline WHAT I said that upset him, he gave nebulous unmeasurable, unquantifiable responses.. like "I don't know" and said he'd let me know as it happens in conversations.

Ah no.

I repeated that it was just that I DARED to disagree with him and that set him off. He disagrees lol.

Finally today I had had enough of his fluffing around, mind-effing bs and gaslighting responses.

I said WHEN you can give me CLEAR and observable words (as we only HAVE words), phrases etc that I say that upset you then text these to me and we can talk after that.

He said the "I love you and that should be enough", "I care about you etc..".

Then words should follow that "love" and "care", which upset him.

Looks like he has work to do.

IDK.... yeah pretty much stinks.

EM

[Croix]

Dear EM (With a wave to Blueberry)~

It's pronounced in the Gallic manner
https://www.pronouncenames.com/pronounce/croix
and does not mean anything to do with religion, it is slang for something else.

To be quite honest I find myself talking to you about acceptance. Acceptance of a maze of hostile self-interested words and actions. The words "I love you" and "I care about you" are just words, not a magic key that undoes previous or future harm.

For you to make that list of 4 points should be a large danger sign, so either you are not seeing things clearly or are prepared to settle for less than you should.

Similarly it should be the same danger sign to your BF, rousing him to action and change -not change just to keep you, but change becuse you are hurt. That is caring.

OK you love him, or OK you love an ideal in which you have cloaked him? It is an LDR after all, a breeding ground for such.

I'm afraid I do not really believe in excess volatility in a partnership, screaming and throwing things, reaching for the most damaging mental weapon to use.

EVERYONE will disagree at times, but unless the disagreement is more important than the relationship then care for the other should be paramount and a means found to live with that difference of opinion, and how to negotiate. Name calling, hanging up etc is not part of it.

Look, this is just me, perhaps others may find a volatile relationship with huge arguments (then fun making up) as exactly what works however all I hear in these posts is hurt.

Croix

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems,

great to hear that your headache has subsided - perhaps sending that 4 boundaries text was a release that you needed!! Sounds like your bf was being nebulous and fluff in his responses because he was more interested in 'winning' fights and arguments, as opposed to trying to work out the issues presented within your relationship in my opinion. IDK it's how I'm interpreting this. I know you love him Ems and as I keep saying, relationship is hard. It really is, and as uncle Croix said (he got in before I did) it shouldn't be about volatility and hurt.

This topic has been quite heavy so I'll break it up with something funny. My flatmate went to the doctor's the other day and I asked him tonight:

Me: "I forgot to ask you, how did you go with your doc's appointment the other day"?

Him: "Yeah, my doctor was doing ok"?

LOL …

Me: "I was asking about you and your health". LOL... too funny.

xx

[ecomama]

Indeed I am deeply hurt Croix.

Bf said "Didn't I tell you I love you and care about you? So it should be over" he also says talking about how an argument escalated or why it was so hurtful as "rehashing and useless". But is allowed to rehash anything at any time he feels like it.

He absolutely didn't know how hurt I felt by all this.

Probably because he wasn't hurt nearly as severely by all this.

Thankyou for your honesty.

Yes the 4 points do throw up major red flags to me (not nearly as major as what I've been through, so I am concerned about my judgement of things - big time).

I love my garden. I love having the grandchildren playing happily in the garden with me.
I love a very simple life.

My career is very demanding and has crisis management in it virtually daily. That's enough "drama" for me. And I get paid to deal with that.

My psych friend came across and helped us through YDs suicidal expressions tonight. She's coming back in a minute. The "Borderline Personality Disorder" label has been mentioned re: YD and I'm (gently and sadly) triggering. Having calm panic attacks over this.

My mother also has this.

Yes the LDR mode has both benefits and draw backs. For me at least. I've spent 4 months with him in person over 5y. Not enough time on one hand.

But the excuses bf makes, now, about our only mode of communication used atm being phone as problematic is indeed true abut also very telling. He joked about being in person would remove one of those points - the hanging up one.

I don't think that's funny at all.

Psych friend is coming back soon. I am seeing history repeat itself. My mother in my youngest daughter is more than sobering (even though I don't drink at all). I am scared out of my wits about this with YD. Completely terrified.

Psych friend said then plan is for me to see our GP on my own about YD asap. Tell him certain things. Then make an appt soon after for YD. Apparently she needs a Psychiatrist and medication. I would do anything it takes.

Thankyou Croix, I always value your feedback immensely.

EM

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes

We must have been typing at the same time.

Yes, I wish bf had read "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey, it's brilliant.
Bf always says things like "okay you win" or "I don't want to be the loser all the time" stuff like that. So you nailed it.

Covey says lots of things but one habit is "Seek first to understand and then to be understood".

I love just about everything Covey espouses. On everything.

Anyway as all big families experience, YDs issues overtook any bf stuff.

I guess that's another thing about my LDR, for years I was so preoccupied with Courts and so much other high pressure stuff during those times, he was amazingly supportive, never wavered.

It's only in recent times that the all about "us" times have happened.

So we are being challenged by the reality of who we are alone / together.

I have a headache still but no blurred vision at least.

Cute joke.

EM

[Guest_498]

Oh dear ... Your daughter. Can you get another opinion before taking her to a shrink & meds? I'm sorry to hear that. And it would be a trigger for you. Oh Ems .. With all that's going on with bf and now this.
I'll respond to other points in your email tmr when I wake.
Love xx

[ecomama]

Today with the fogginess still present from this headache thing and being scared to leave YD alone, I had today off work too. I'm trying to suppress the guilt over this ugh.

YD is asleep. Hasn't been to school this week. It was so challenging last night.

Psych friend (of 30y) said it was okay if YD needed meds. I was talked in to the possibility of these really working for her, with the added placebo effect of YD believing she needs them, there's a high possibility with what YD is manifests, that she does need them.

All of exs family are highly addicted to GP prescribed meds and I mean HIGHLY addicted full on.
Plus addictions to a wide range of substances. They're an absolute mess as nothing works for them. They never have counselling.

This knowledge of inherited factors from ex and my family sends up huge triggers for me.

YD is SO young.

I really wanted her to try EVERYTHING to get better before going to meds. But maybe she could do everything in a better state of mind AFTER she's medicated? IDK.

The last thing I want is to see her go downhill because of the meds.

I feel protective over all my children but YD is the one that brings a HUGE cloud a mountain high of my protective feelings. She is still my baby and needs me like a baby does right now. It's so horrible than I can't make things better for her.

And the relationship dynamic is SO CLOSE to how I had to look after my mother for months on end sometimes. I realise I haven't told anyone what happened back then. Psych friend was shocked. I didn't try to HIDE it. I just hadn't told her.

So this is how history is repeating itself. Me as a carer for mother in my childhood and me as a carer for YD.
Same feelings; deep love, distress, care, work, calling Dr in desperation, getting violent reaction from mother. Just anger at times from YD.

Psych friend suggested that YD is using her words as simultaneous attachment issues / punishment towards me.
Same as mother.

Need for love and hate alongside each other.

And it looks like I have another health issue only recently discovered which will change everything about my activities in life. I'll get a monitor for that later. Sigh.

I have life. That's alot.

EM

[Guest_498]

Hey,
Of course youre protective of your children, esp YD atm. You know what's best for her and with your professional friend's help and expertise, perhaps meds would be beneficial. I don't really know what to suggest, as I'm no expert, but I did know a person with BPD and when she's not on her meds, she suffers greatly (she's been on them since she was 12 years of age...VERY young. What I observed is that she would rebel against taking meds (pretending shes taken them and haven't), and then relaspes. After a while the individual get so sick of being on them, theyll start being dishonest about how they're feeling - that theyre feeling fine just to get out of taking them. I don't want that to hapoen to your daughter or your relationship. There'll be (hope it doesnt hapoen to you) an element of resentment on her part. This was an observation with this individual I knew
Love xx

[Guest_498]

I'll give you an example:
I was living with them for a little while, her father rang me on one occasion and asked me "did you see her take her meds this morning"? I don't know, I replied. "Why"? Dad: "Well I asked her and she got all defensive and says she's taken them and then accused him of reprimanding her when he didn't. That evening when she wasnt home, he went through her meds and realized shes stop taking them. When she got home a fight ensued. I left the house. This scenario went on for quite some time. It was hard to live with.

[Guest_498]

"You win" "I dont want to be the loser all the time"? Yeah, he's defs preoccupied about winning arguments to the detriment of your relationship. Ugh, it shouldn't be about winning or losing. He needs to grow up and see past this, if he wants to keep you. Causing your partner great pain for the satisfaction of winning is immature in my eyes.
I havent spent time in therapy, so I don't know what LDR acronym stand for.
Blubes