new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Croix, thankyou. Yes it IS helpful for you to say all that. SO helpful.

I burst into tears a short way in because your words resonated deep within me about what is true & right and what is not. I can barely see the keyboard from crying.

I am feeling unwell. I woke at 1am from my headache & started to cry with the intrusive thoughts of how things are between bf and I and the things that were said.
I have allergies this time of year from the wattle all around work but I think I also have a temp now. I don't feel well at all.
With cold / flu symptoms we must present a negative covid test before returning to work.
I'm going to have to call the GP today.
I have other symptoms of other stuff but have a specialist appt in Oct for that.

I have wished and Prayed so much for a loyal partner. Indeed I bare scars all over from all sorts. I was worried that it was mainly my past that was creating deep hurt yesterday.

But it's not.

He said I hurt him so deeply by saying what I said (I disagreed on many points) & blamed me for making him feel like an a$$hole and a juvenile and an idiot.
I never said ANY of those things.
Then he accused me of being exactly like his exW and flung out barrages of that.
Then he threatened to end the call if I didn't tell him exactly what the problem was... and I was telling him...
But he turned everything I said into something completely different. Stuff I didn't recognise nor think nor say.

Then he called me the names he said I called him which I never have... And my instant response (which shocked me) was "Nice try (ex's name)".... ex called me ALL sorts of names constantly. In the end after years of trying everything I just said "Nice try... won't work". This is the FIRST time he has reminded me of ex and I just bawled.

He also said he can feel me retreating over the past few months and I have.

When these difficulties occur I immediately think "How would this play out when we're living together? would he.... how would I ...." it's a sad & ugly scenario. Him moving countries to live here and me feeling trapped all over again.

Maybe the "high temperatures" I'm feeling are panic attacks. IDK maybe I'm just sick lol.

Croix whatever you say to me, feels like I have a wise, kind, considerate and firm Uncle just being with me and talking me through things. I am SO GRATEFUL for your words, you have no idea. I REALLY missed out having a strong and wise devoted male role model in my life. Thankyou.

EM

[Guest_498]

Dearest EM,
I hope your spirits have picked up somewhat today. Relationships are tough. And they're hard work. The threshold in which an individual can tolerate is depended upon them.
I consider myself a pragmatic, realistic and most of the time, a black and white individual when it comes to relationships, so I'm not too sure whether I'm the right person to impart advice, or even say the right things, but I will say to go with your heart. Do you love him? This is the question I would ask myself and my action would be based on this question. It cwntres me gives me clarity.
Healthwise, I hope you're ok. You'll be ok. Thinking of you.
Love xx

[Croix]

Dear Blueberry~

My apologies for not acknowledging you before, at least with a wave. I think now I have read most of your 200+ posts scattered over several threads and have an understanding of what you have been though. Understanding is probably the wrong word. No I have not been down quite the same road, though betrayal does feature.

For some unknown reason EM seems to regard me as a wise uncle, um. First as EM is only a young wipper-snapper by comparison it would be Great-uncle and as I get older I have less answers - still if it gives her fleeting comfort - good. (EM: stop reading other's posts:)

I've no wise words, or even ones of great comfort I can offer you. You have been terribly treated by your family and then by the medical profession, not sure about the cops, maybe I missed something.

In your circumstances wanting to study is excellent. I was a uni educator for umpteen years and always preferred mature aged students. Knew their minds, were not afraid to ask, not distracted by the dizzying experiences of first youth.

I think I understand why you want to do law. As an ex-policeman I know very well the legal system is not a justice system.

Actually I've just thought of a wise word (amazing) - propinquity is an attractant. It applies to living in close quarters with someone, but then again I expect you have already consider this, you have mentioned the balance you are trying to walk.

I won't presume on you by saying more ATM

Croix

[ecomama]

Dearest Blubes (hi to Great Uncle Croix!)

Sorry for not acknowledging your posts. Your kind words showed an empathy seldom seen.
Thankyou, hugs.

Yes I know I love him, I wonder if love is enough at times?

It's so rare to find someone I could love, never this much before tbh. I feel his love for me, albeit I believe he has a bad temper at a certain point, so it's scary some times.

I don't like his bad temper.
I most definitely don't like name calling. It's such an unnecessary addition to an already volatile situation in heated arguments. It adds what Croix pointed out "things said that can't be take back".

You can't "unhear" those words.

For good or bad, I am who I am and have experienced or better put, been the victim of SO MUCH name calling I cannot even believe it now when I think about it.

I was called the s word since I was a young child by the person who birthed me. And the rest. I had to ask a gf what the word meant and she asked her parents! And then she told me.I cannot tell you who her family was, they later came out to be from a notorious criminal family. The most notorious in Australia I think. So that's another avenue of craziness from my childhood. Sighhh.

Anyway in this last marriage the name calling was beyond understanding... finally I became so adept to being called names by ex and it's family... I was hardened and just replied "Nice try ___ won't work". Until they came up with worse as they always did.

Sometimes I would be shattered for a day. I would strengthen myself in the day and when the same phrase was spat at me, usually that next day, I had a come back.

Horrible to live this way.

I don't want to live this way being called names. Not by my significant other who I truly believed should have my back. Not be stabbing me in the back.

Love is not like that.
That's not love.

That's a person with a bad uncontrollable temper.

SO tonight I spoke with psych friend and a childhood friend of over 40y. I told psych friend that I will come up with a list of boundaries or "rules of engagement in war" lol.

I spoke with bf for hours this morning.

I did say that I feel like this is a "relationship of attrition" like the war of attrition in WW1.
I am worn down to bare minimum.
I have little left.
Doing those things means I have less.
I am running out every time, just that bit more.

There it is.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Hey EM,

Emotional abuse from a significant other does wear you down.

You've mustered the energy to again talk to him and lay down boundaries.

I think that's fantastic, it shows what you've learnt and says a lot about who you are. Someone you think is worthy of respect.

I just hope he abides by these boundaries. I think he will for a while but if it's a part of him I think it will come out again later down the track. Just my general observations with ppl.

Hope you don't mind my honestly. Take or leave hun.

Sorry things have been so turbulent lately.

But in a perfect world, he will never abuse you again. Finito! Now that would be wonderful.

[Guest_498]

Hi Croix,
Thanks for saying hi. Hello back at you and thank you for your understanding. I really appreciate that. I hope this message finds you well.
I'm not great at pronouncing French words but correct me if I'm wrong, it would be crow (phonetic)?
You get a sense of my back ground from my scattered threads, my story is almost too crazy to be true but it it true, as I have no reason to lie or make up stories. I wouldn't be on forum seeking support either. Sadly, what happened to me did happen and it happened just over a year ago, however the family dynamics and scenarios occured well before that. I have a narcissistic sister who caused damage and destroyed my life by way of gaslighting. She's destroyed every relationship I had including my family. I have a mother who caused substantial mental harm with her abuse my entire life. In a nutshell (otherwise this will spill over many threads) when I had enough of her abuse and began to fight back, I was labelled 'crazy', 'aggressive' etc. My sick mum would say things like "you need professional help", "you're crazy, you need help". This is what her daughter would refer to me as. My mum morphed into my sister. When I asked her what I needed help with, she couldn't answer me. Last year, the CAT Team was called. My mum, her daughter and then ex boyfriend colluded to have me psychiatrically confined. I was shocked to hear b.s such as I self harmed, I tried to commit suicide, I assaulted someone, and damage someone's property. None of these happened. Further, the organisation forged my medical records, made up false scenarios and pretend diagnosis. One of the medical clinics constructed a false 'assessment' to corroborate with the organisation. I got drugged and the individuals involved deny this. They won't release my patient records and my mum claimed she knows nothing about it. She was the one who switched my meds. I was residing with her at the time.
No officers were involved nor present. No ambulance involved either. I got set up by my family and ex partner (my ex before my ex). I'll continue on another thread.. I don't like one thread being too lengthy, as it may overwhelm the readers.
Btw I trust Ems opinion on people 🙂

[Guest_498]

Uncle Croix (or would that be great uncle for me as well, I'm 40 y.o),
No police officers involved, no. They didn't do anything wrong (as far as I know), however the CAT Team stated that there was an officer involved. I'll find out whats going on there as soon as I have my medical records amended. The only officer slightly involved was the one I reported to about the drugging, hacking of my devices & hacking of my pharmaceutical data. She didn't investigate, saying I had no evidence. She did speak to the CAT Team though and decided against investigating. I don't know what was said.
I've always viewed the cjs to be a criminal injustice system. I have no faith with the system. Justice starts with police. Too many times, the police has a lot to answer. I have no confidence with police.
Reason to study law? I like learning new things, I'd like to attain greater knowledge in this field, I'd like to work towards becoming a crim defence lawyer (be hard to get constant work though) or a policy writer. Another reason: I'm tired of being called dumb & stupid by my mother. I'm neither of those things. Croix I'll be too old to get distracted by the dizzying experiences of first youths. Lol. I'll be there for one reason only 🙂
Hmm 'propinquinity is an attractant'... If you were referring to my flatemate ... Croix, hes not my type. We're in proximity age wise and when he talks, we get along well and have a lot of fun. He can be really funny.
Thanks again for saying hi.

[Guest_498]

Hi Ems,
I would say they were more direct, to tbe point & honest. A lot were coming from my own experiences (I hope this was ok with you & didn't find them overly subjective).
I read your scanario with bf and visualised myself being in the argument. I've been there many times and they're not nice. What really reasonated with your story, is underlying mental abuse, stemmed from bad temper. I was in a 5 year abusive relationship just like this. It started out with name calling due to bad temper and turned out to be physical in the end. The signs of an abusive relationship were present and I ignored them and remained in there longer than I should. I was never in love nor was I happy. He turned out to be controlling and abused me financially aswell (he controlled the financials). I left this relationship and went to live with my mum (another abusive relationship). As a child, I witnessed violent abuse towards my step father by my mum, so I can clearly identify signs of abuse. My regret was not leaving him sooner. He would start fights with me for not 'putting out', he would agitate me and incite. When a fight would break out and I'll smash things, he would call the cops on me. He's done that twice. He then left me in the rain and called the police on me. I didn't report the abuse, I just wanted the cops to leave. I left him the following day. So, is love enough at times? I don't think so, not if he's got a bad temper. And love shouldn't be this way, no. It's not love with incessant name calling.
Like you, I lived with name calling and mental abuse my whole life. I can tell you it's HARD to recover from. My self confidence and seld worth has indeed attritioned (using your word).

[Guest_498]

Ems, It is horrible to live like that, I concur. You shouldn't live like that. For me, these days I break away from the cycle of abuse the minute I identify with them. Some may ask whether its an overreaction? Nope. Not at all.
I hope your bf took it well after your 'rules of engagement of war' convo last night.
How did your appt go with doc?

[Guest_498]

Sorry to cut into your post Ems,
How are you Monkey_Magic?