new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hi Bluberry

Well the dad just dropped her off out the front! What a sweet kid she is - she arrived very early lol.

There were 10 kids (4 boys 6 girls) here altogether dyeing their hair ALL sorts of BRIGHT colours; purple, orange, pink, turquoise... oh and blue.

YD went half blue lol.

I think I bought some of the wrong food so I must ask YD tomorrow - she's at work atm.
I think most of them are vegan! Eldest D was vegan for years so I can do that food!
They also barely ate any lollies omg... and they were extremely admirable saying they hate drugs and alcohol and then relayed ALL sorts of stories about their relatives who were / are addicts and it's no way to live.

I think YD has chosen her friends well. She had AN ABSOLUTE BALL!

But excuse ME.... you ARE going through with your studies???? WOW... awww I'm so proud of you!

I had a long convo with Eldest D tonight (she helped me garden late this afternoon and yes for a change burn 10 sq metres of branches tonight lol oh and she bought dinner because she's Miss Moneybags atm lol).... SHE is also going back to her studies too!

It's NOT about what anyone else thinks or expects or anything to do with ANYONE else.... it's about what WE want for ourselves. Like how are WE going to feel about ourselves if we
a) DO complete the studies; or
b) DON'T.

I developed a strategy at about IDK 9 or 10yo... I was neglected alot as a child and left alone for days on end, not allowed to contact anyone and too scared to also. The strategy was to "talk to the ecomama (lol) 10 years from now". Don't worry I've checked this strategy with 3 psychologists now, and a training one just in case.... it's a mentally healthy thing to do apparently.

Have a conversation with the Bluberry 10y from now lol.
If 10y is a stretch then try 5 years.

You will be AMAZED at what she says to you. Seriously it's an awesome thing to do!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hi Bluberry

I didn't finish my earlier thought about the age of my Lawyer... when someone enters a field of expertise at a later age then I see a respect given to that person because the clients THINK they've been in the field for alot longer than they have! lol. It's GREAT!

VERY different to my experiences. I smashed out 3 degrees straight from school almost back to back (no HECS in those days too!)... I had a year or 2 working in my field between degrees. I was actually PAID wages to do my last 2. Yah. Awesome.

BUT then when I was posted interstate for my job... I was SO much younger than the YOUNGEST person there.... and was introduced as.... (excuse me while I vomit) "the expert"... oh dear cheeses.

I tried really HARD to ban that introduction because 1) I am NOT an expert and 2) I hate that word lol. It's anky with a w.

It's all good now because I fit in age appropriately with my knowledge and skills AND experience now. But I still ban "expert".

Man I am beat. I worked momentously hard in the garden today and only came in to the hair dyeing day to cook lunch for them all lol.

I have to post on the gardening thread later.

I have to wait up to pick up kids from work at 1am, so after the burning was done at 10pm I had a long hot bath and my hands are so swollen lol. I pulled down huge long lengths of dead lantana from all my trees with no gloves - silly me.

But ALL the kids said how beautiful my front garden looks - FINALLY lol.

There's SO much more lantana etc down the back and dead banana grasses etc etc.. my gardener is helping for a few hours next week and he works like a Trojan lol!
So much yet to burn before Summer.
I'm a bit excited as I can finally SEE the ground of my back garden! Oh it's so lovely!

Gotta scrub the balcony before bed time... better do it before picking up kids.

Seeing progress is so rewarding.

Yeah we both have the same problem with "men". Lol.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Morning Ecomama & Bluberry,

Replying from way back.

I see my dad sparingly and he's usually on his best behaviour but he has anger/ control issues still. He was angry at me for gaining weight and wanted to control my food intake/ exercise. He always makes a ' thing' about my weight. I had enough and left. Haven't spoken to or seen him since.

Yep, takes a lot to completely break free of this type of person. I'm a quick learner these days though. Know all the signs. Good on you Blubes for cutting ties.

Yeah lots to report Em and this world is a mess. I tend to try to live in my own bubble these days...I try to stay away from most the mess...since I've had a messy past. But then it just comes to you.

Glad your daughter's friends are good influences. Nothing worse than bad influences, she deserves the best.

Hair dyeing party sounds like it was fun.

Yay...lots of gardening work done. Well done.

I'm prob half way through my waterfall painting now...it's looking good.

Go girl- Blubes with the whole studying. It's great having a job you are passionate about.

Oh and men, yep, always getting the wrong ideas.

🌼🌺🌻🥀🍀🌷

[Guest_498]

Not only did your daughter have a ball, but you did also by the sound of things! GOOD that the dad only just dropped her off - mustve helped with anxiety level. You're so proud of your daughter, just by your tone.. You're proud of all your children. For me to read your messages brings me happiness knowing just how much you love them and they love you. You're a bloody excellent mum, Ems. Mine called me a loser & useless, dumd & stupid amongst other horrible things.
You know it doesn't sound like a bad idea to have a conversation with your future self. It might serve as some sort of perspective & motivation for the 'now Blubes'.
I bet you were an expert in your field - don't discount that, even if you get embarrassed by the title and find it @anky!! It just meant that you were apt for the position, title & knowledge. 😀
Problem with men?? Lol. We're not the ones with the problem, they have a 'problem' with us... We're just goddesses that they want. Hehe.
Love xx

[Guest_498]

Hello Monkey,
It's hardly your fault for gaining weight!! 😤 The insidious med theyve put you on did that to you!!! I know when I got deceptively drugged, I ate heaps and more than usual. First I just thought that my monthly was due but I missed it that month. That further strengthened my knowledge that I was drugged.
You don't need to break free from your dad, he just needs a little more understanding. Dealing with him in small doses is a smart idea too.
I'm going to go for a walk for some exercise now, whilst the sunshine is still with us.
Love xx

[ecomama]

Hi monkey_magic!

It's coincidental that you bring up the criticism you've copped from 'dad'... The kids here yesterday had SO much to say about their parent's criticism.... some of them had never even MET me before... I found out later that YD had told them to talk to me about their parents (😮 OMG) because I have some great comebacks... ughhhh.

After they went home and what I saw on BB last night... we really need a thread on how to handle others' criticism.

I tell my own children and other's too, when they ask, (lol) that you can THINK whatever response you really want to say but have a moment to think whether you want to let it out. Even with teachers.... anyone... at all.

I ADMIRE you greatly walking away from that bs monkey_magic. Another person commented on the Manifestation / Law of Attraction thread about walking away from people who disrespect us.
Ofcourse I completely agree that's the path of 'least resistance' lol.

It's pretty crappy, but seriously those people who do this are awful.

It's extremely difficult when we are "supposed to" respect people like parents or those in authority etc esp when we are a child or young person and worse when we are dependent on those people.

"Just because they're older doesn't mean they're wiser" is one I've taught my kids and others' kids lol.

I had a HUGE issue with one of my kid's teachers (again) on Friday. I do my very best to resolve issues but at some point, I AM DONE. I've even told that school that I've had legal advice about what they've done and I have grounds to personally sue. Yes it's been that bad.

I get so tired of fighting and do ANYTHING I can to avoid it but some things you can't avoid.

I'm tired of it.

I'm sorry your dad said hurtful things. If only these people could hold a mirror up to themselves.

Love EM
PS: I began this post this morning then had the most horrid, long and arduous call with bf.
xx

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes lol (that's what we call blueberries too lol)

YD had a ball yesterday. I'm so glad she did. I'm glad the dad avoided coming in.

I felt fine but exhausted and had a headache this morning. I seldom take headache tabs but did before I spoke with bf... then took more because the call went for over 4h.

I get this real feeling that I'm between 2 thoughts in relationships... 1 is that I KNOW no one's perfect and I don't expect anyone to be either (or else they may demand the same from me - lol and I AIN'T perfect and don't try to be)... then 2 what is abusive? and is this just "normal"?

The convo was ok then it went downhill rapidly after I disagreed with him on a number of points in a row. I realised after it got heated that I strongly disagreed because he used what I told him yesterday against me.

Is there safety in any relationship?
Probably not 100% ever really. What does 'safety' mean anyway?

That someone will never hurt you?
Hurt is bound to happen intentionally or not.

Or that your significant other has your back at all times?
Probably not possible all the time.

That a personal detail you've shared will be kept and not used against you?
I think so. But am I naive in thinking this?

Does one ALWAYS have to be thinking defensively in a close relationship?
My heart is breaking thinking this is how I have to be.

I think I've lost my idea of how this relationship was / is or can ever be.

I believe using threats is out of line.

I can't handle threats. They are not conducive to any harmony.

Feeling pretty sick now.
I found out something else about one of my adult children and an attempt to blindside me a few weeks ago. I serendipitously avoided the day the blindside was intended to occur. That saved me alot of awful emotions but finding out it was supposed to occur had left me hanging about it all.

Tonight as I got out of my car in the car park to do food shopping, I thought "Just be kind to everyone". I know how that's worked out in the past and it ain't good lol.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

Please bear with me with an improbable (but true) set of ramblings.

You have been injured and developed scar tissue, not unexpected and I have no idea if that protective layer diminished fast or slow, or ever.

I mentioned once my parents disinherited me, proving in the process that the love I thought I was receiving in childhood was weak or non-existent. For them no forgiveness and the protective barrier against them remained in place all their lives.

Against them

On the flip side, I was married for 25 years before she died, I married again and we are still in love after 20 something years.

Threats - you can't do that, they never are forgotten, be it of physical violence, divorce or revealing personal facts or anything else that cannot be taken back. Being cross or angry or frustrated can be OK, but never with the intent to hurt.

The lack of safety in a partnership should come from sickness and death, not actions

Yes there will be hurt -manageable, and quickly forgotten, and the person doing the hurting will feel as bad or worse -and it is probably unintentional anyway as they cherish their partner.

Your partner will defend you, sometimes in a misguided way, but there nevertheless.

Confidences (if clearly spelled out as such) remain unmentioned , and things said one day are not carried over into the next as ammunition. Distance should not last that long.

When I met my second partner we formed a pact never to say anything that could not be taken back, and it works -at least for us.

so

>Does one ALWAYS have to be thinking defensively in a close relationship?

No, not for me, never, but I've only had the two. Other relationships are not 'close'.

This all sounds goody goody hearts and flowers, unrealistic, I guess I'm blessed.

I've trotted all this out several times in the Forum, an account of what my is. At first I worried it would make people feel worse, then I found it gave hope and encouragement.

Final thing to say, it is my partner who deserves most of the credit.

Croix (who does not know how to pick steadfast partners, it just happened)

[Guest_498]

Ems, you wouldve been exhausted with your jam packed schedule this weekend - from driving to and fro, shopping, gardening & chaperone. Time to relax your mind, body & soul. Well deserved rest!! Lol .. Your schedule made my cleaning, cooking & shopping efforts seem like a walk in the park.
Oh Ems, let me try to answer your questions regarding partner/ relationship as best as I can, and my answers would reflect my own opinions & experiences.
1. Noone is perfect, no. 2. Abuse may be both physical and mental. Unfortunately, some level of abuse is normal, yes. What I mean by this is in its severity, interpretation, cultural, time and without malice (for example, something said in the heat of the moment). Physical abuse within a relationship should not be tolerated. Mental abuse shouldn't be either. Mental abuse can be far more damaging. There are other types of abuse such as financial as well. All abuse, if they're intent to incite fear and control, it's not normal, no. I'll answer the rest in another thread.

[Guest_498]

I didn't like what he did - Things you confide in with your spouse in good and calming moments should NEVER be thrown in your face, EVER no matter how tense or volitile a situation gets. People do it and it's wrong. It's a very hurtful trump card to play. From this perspective, I can say, given my own experiences, that there is no 100% safety. There isn't even a 50% safety. As we've always discussed & shared Ems, TRUST is never given 100%. I. Honestly cant even trust 50%. It's difficult. Additionally, safety is the protection from injury, harm, danger. You're not protected emotionally when things youve said are being used against you. Not naive, no as A loving partner should protect you from distress & hurt in my opinion.
Please don't feel as though you need to think defensively. A relationship shouldn't make you feel that you need to. Every single relationship I've been in who would use things against me would be 9/10. BIG percentage and the relationship didn't last for me.
People you love including partner will hurt you. I find the hurt & harm caused generally are intentional. They will hurt you for selfish and a variety of reasons. The unintentional hurt are ones that are forgivable, as they didn't mean to hurt. Ask yourself and analyse (you'll know within) whether the hurt was intentional or not. He SHOULD have your back at ALL times. I'm of the opinion that if you can choose your friend & that friend is forever defending you, always in your corner to back you up, then that's a friend for life. The same and more level of loyalty should be within your life partner.
Did he threaten you today, Ems? Don't tolerate that please. That is ABUSE.
I hope you are ok. Reach out if you not ok. I'm here for you, as with other BB women here. I'll check in tomorrow. G'nite.
Xx