new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I'm sorry you are struggling with major triggers on top of being horribly overworked, I completely understand. I'm keeping it brief for now, but know I am here and listening, and I care. For above reasons I'll be mostly staying to my secondary thread for a while, but always available to you there if you need me.

Blue.

[Guest9337]

Hello Blue Clue,

Thank you for responding with honesty and directness.
How does acknowledging luck belittle the collective experience of surviving trauma?

I am lucky that the abuse I suffered didn’t end me : Are we not all so lucky? The Abuse is beyond our control, i.e. bad luck.

I believe the use of the phrase “inappropriately flippant” is a miscommunication as I have aimed to be appropriately respectful. After consideration is there a particular phrase that bothers you?

As a DV survivor who has also, on occasions, been treated as irrelevant both in adulthood and childhood I am saddened that you feel markedly less comfortable in this thread now. We do need safe spaces for such discussions.

You remain safe in anonymity in this thread and I am not your ultimate provider of safety, though please note I intend no harm and thus I am concerned about your safety to the extent of reasonableness and rationality. Do you have a thread where you and I can have a discussion? If not I invite you to my anti-movement thread for a chat.

Thank you for your urging about extreme care in the future, I take that onboard. Please note that I already take care over every character word and phrase I write – I am but an imperfect being who writes imperfectly.

[Ggrand]

Hello EM...big hugs lovely lady 🤗🤗..

I often read on here but not post much as our lives are very similar in childhood and marriage....but I wanted to call in to say that you are an absolutely beautiful and caring mother and you have a heart and soul that keeps on giving...

Being triggered down into a C-PTSD downer is so hard to understand and manage as you don’t know your going down..because in an instant before you realise what happened your down deeper then ever and reliving those horrid times of your youth....Please dear EM, keep telling yourself your safe and they cannot hurt you again....You are stronger then all the words your abusers have said to you...and that’s the truth beautiful lady....Please try hard to believe me...have faith that you will come out of this downer a tiny bit stronger...

Its okay to cry EM, I believe that’s the only way to release the pain from our heart and soul...I do it at times of flash backs, and memories of my abuse...It will always be there in our mind..and things will trigger it at times...and when it does, we need to show ourselves some compassion and love....and believe that you were never at fault by the way you were treated....They were wrong..not you..

Please be very gentle on yourself until this passes...it will pass even though you don’t think it will...Be kind and gentle on you...you so much deserve it...

Always listening beautiful lady..and always my thoughts for you are filled with kindness, respect, care and good things..

Grandy..

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi D&G,

Thanks for responding and taking my concerns seriously. I guess what worries me about the direction you've taken is the spirit of it vs the nature of the discussion - I feel that it's less an acknowledgement of luck than a strong suggestion that the thriving of a strong, intelligent individual like EM has more to do with luck than her own hard work. After she described her trials and overcoming them, your response was: "I note that the person who made the statement about luck being a factor, also states his belief that the wealthy disagree with that factor having any relevance at all, is congruent with your stated position. Like the guy predicted your own opinion on this very topic, from 10 thousand km away and quite a few years ago, ie 2012." It read a bit too much like "The article says you're wrong, what you said is irrelevant", and therein lies my concern about flippancy and belittling. Having walked a similar path to EM, albeit with less financial success to boast, I feel the sting of that deeply. Both of us have had more bad luck than good and arrived at better places than many people with far better luck and opportunities. People doing better than either of us may have had better luck, but I strongly believe it has a lot to do with the nature of their priorities and them having the mindset and drive to recognise and act on opportunities available to most of us in comparable socio-economic situations. I really want to impress the importance of the original discussion being about survival strategies and the effect of Schemas, and I feel the productivity and healing nature of that line of conversation has been derailed with this tangent.

No, you are not my "ultimate provider of safety". You are, however, in a space whereby people are seeking support to work through trauma, and have made themselves considerably more vulnerable than they might be among the general public - emotions and memories are very raw in this space. Have I over-reacted to your contribution? Almost certainly, but that's kind of my point. I, for one, rarely let the walls down, and they flip straight back up very easily if I do. That is where the danger lies for so many of us.

I shall visit your thread at some point. For now I wish to step back and recoup. I might have said nothing, wanted to in fact, but believe others following this thread who are more sensitive and less inclined to speak up may feel as I do, that is my reason for bringing it up. Regards,

Blue.

[Guest9337]

G’day Blue.
Thank you again for posting to me.

Regarding your reaction to your perceptions about my spirit.
I suggest that an intelligent individual like EM has taken many and numerous actions and decisions of hard and smart work that have contributed to her thriving situation, and that along the way some good luck happened and some bad luck happened, and indeed some neutral luck happened too.

I do not suggest that all of one’s situation is due to luck at all, yet I note that is how it was taken – and I further note that neither the article in question, nor my words imply how it was taken.

I am experiencing bad luck about how people are interpreting what I and others write. i.e. it is only somewhat in my control how people receive what I communicate, neither them nor I are perfect communicators.

The article does actually imply that “luck” is a real and existing thing and yet “luck” is considered irrelevant by many people, some of whom are wealthy.

So yeh, I do imply that what is said about entirely dismissing luck is wrong, in fact I openly state it and hold that position too. Luck is real, is simply an acknowledgement that many things in our environments are outside of our own control.
I note that one response to being abused is to become as controlling as one perceives is appropriate for ones situation.

Over control is a sign of abusive behaviour, acknowledging luck exists acknowledges we cannot control everything and is thus a sign of healthy behaviour.

A discussion about “luck” is in fact an important discussion for survivors because “luck” reveals that things do happen to us – that we didn’t control.

I totally accept your reactions to my contribution, thank you, everything you have said is highly valuable and brings me closer to understanding more points of view, thank you.

When you have recouped and wish to step back into the conversation, I welcome your responses here and/or in anti-movement at your convenience.

Please feel free to let me have it, I am a robust person in online communities. Thick armour of a turtle metaphorically speaking.

love david.

[ecomama]

Just a general post to everyone, including the wonderful Sophie_Ms... I am safe. I am not where I've been before lol!
I will call 1800RESPECT tonight if these feelings continue, just to have a Trauma Psych's support at THIS point.

I promise myself and everyone who's been so incredibly warm to me through this time that I WILL STAY SAFE.

I am SO GRATEFUL for everyone's support!

*** Trigger Warning ***

I was afraid to come on to my thread. Choosing instead to venture around elsewhere here.
I LIKE DENIAL lol. It's a cocoon I go into, denying myself what I need whilst trying to help others.
Story of my life as many ppl here.

More has happened since my last post. So much.

My Counsellor asked me to do nothing but self care lol, right. Like THAT'S going to happen!
She's reigned my appts in to weekly for a while.
UNTIL she flies out to America for 3-6 months, which I'm so grateful for, she gets to visit with her ailing mother Thank God. This has been in our Prayers. FINALLY it's happened.

She's planning appts while she's in Quarantine when she gets back omg lol.
I said I MIGHT be HER Counsellor then hahaha.
And she'd love pimple popping clips lol.

On a serious note, I have 1800RESPECT during that time.
The forums always which I will check in on.
I have psychs all around me but most are in crisis mode too.

I WANT to live my beautiful life and plan to be a VERY VERY ANCIENT OLD LADY still on the forums lol.
About 300yo... maybe.

I have HOPE for my present & future.

Please forgive me if I don't address each of your posts very well.
I will do my best but my hands are shaking since opening my thread.

Since my last major trigger with my child's response as the trigger... there have been SO MANY connecting the dots!
More this morning o m g...

My work is elusive I know, on purpose.
Suffice to say I'm regarded an "expert" which I hate and I hate that term too, at my workplace.
My work crosses many fields, from welfare to education to crises.

I am supporting families in extreme distress atm.
Homelessness, lost jobs, starvation with no money, issues with Centrelink payments, Family Law, Police, Detectives, children omg children. I can barely stand it.

They need me and my heart is breaking for them and for my inability to meet their needs.
Just needs.
Not WANTS.

Alexa, the ACs and I are supporting ONE family of 5. Friends of Alexa.
Our Mission Statement is to keep their rent paid.
Keep food on the table.

Love EM

[ecomama]

I think ALL my posts from here may need a *** Trigger Warning ***, because IDK WHEN I might be triggering someone!

I apologise when that happens. Hugs.

TW - childhood abuse and it's ramifications into adulthood. FAITH.

Hopefully that covers this post lol!

Dearest J*

Lol omg how did you KNOW exactly which part of Bible to QUOTE FOR ME!!

How did you know?

I heard EXACTLY the same thing read on my Christian radio station in 6 mins I was in my car to go to Coles lol.

This brokenness is SO VALUABLE.
We're all broken in some way!

It's bringing me closer to God.

Sitting with the emotions and NOT trying to work them all out is a better road for me right now.
Then "leaning into" moments of peace, calm, joy. (Brene Brown is my HERO and Teddy Roosevelt and LOTS of others, most of them HERE lol).

Weird thing?
I'm having the BEST conversations with my kids atm (probably bec they can't hang out with their friends lol) and THEY are starting the conversations.

I CANNOT believe the connections J*!
I mean with childhood trauma.

I didn't even KNOW that THAT what was triggered by my child.
I didn't KNOW that all these families in crisis triggered C-PTSD (der... exactly what WE went through).

I was literally awake till midnight and up at 3am some times, responding to distressed emails & emailing people for support for these families.

For some CRAZY reason these beautiful families think I CAN SOLVE issues for them.
God help them please!
I Pray for Guidance 24/7 - who to contact, what to do!
My bosses are CLUELESS. Just shut down.
It's ME who's coming up with every solution and they're just saying GREAT EM, let's do it, like what??

Wow.

Maybe I'm the only one LISTENING? omg what a state our Communities are in.

When this LD lifts it's going to be a wasteland. I'm having Survivor Guilt too. My kids are doing well, even better in their education except for p.son who's in partial limbo with Yr 12 in a school down South.
More of them are now being promoted..
A boss offered P.son a promotion when he gets back SIGHT UNSEEN JUST because his brothers are all in management now...

Yvette is in paradise!
Singing, playing her musical instruments - a DELIGHT.

strange times.

I POSTED on Sleepy's thread! YEAH I WANT to get some water colours (I gave all mine to my grandkids last lock down lol). No I HAVE wc pencils and can wet a brush etc... nice one J*!

woosh, grounding myself.

yoga is called for too.

Thankyou
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Blue's Clues said:

D&G, as a general rule I would not discourage someone from joining a discussion I am part of. I will say, however, that the lengthy argument about wealth creation and luck would be just fine as a standalone topic, but as a response to a conversation about surviving neglect and/or abuse and the consequences thereof, it was inappropriately flippant and I feel it belittled our collective experience with such things. Bear in mind that most if not all of us here have lived our childhoods or entire lives with our experiences and feelings being treated as irrelevant, and doing so here and now strongly echoes the very trauma we are discussing. I urge you in future to take extreme care in replying to topics of such gravity and to be aware of the significant potential for harm. I doubt you intended harm, but for my part, I find myself now feeling markedly less comfortable and safe discussing my situation in this thread.

Blue.

Dearest Blue

I echo your post above, haven't read on any further yet but will gather my courage to do so.

I KNEW FOR SURE that that discussion would be triggering for you. And I'm sorry.
It was triggering me deeply too.

hence I stayed away from my thread.
And I began shaking upon opening it today.

I posted on your thread today. Last night too.

I LOVE you!
Hugs!!

If the grown up Blue can't handle those expressions of affection and hugs, then please allow the little girl blue to have a long warm hug from Aunty EM lol. Just like in the Wizard of Oz! And I LOVE her too!

Indeed I WASN'T speaking of financial trajectories whatsoever.

It took a very divergent fast lane into finances which shocked me.
I shrugged & entertained it for a while because I am a PEOPLE PLEASER, then attempted to employ a tribal law...

Anyhoo, I THANK you for having the courage I DID NOT display at all!
I acknowledge that in you.

I also noticed the very protective Blue coming out full force, God help anyone having a go at Puffballs!
Believe it or not, THAT was another trigger this week!
Nastiness on a Community forum about MY CHICKENS.
Lord help ME!
God give me STRENGTH to deal with cruel and irrational ppl DURING A PANDEMIC and lock down ffs.

I'll not expand on that story.
If it goes on then I'll place a *** TW *** because it is!

Sending any thing I can energy wise to you at this time,
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear DNG

It's with the utmost empathy I can muster for you, to reiterate Blues courageous post to you, asking ever so diplomatically but explicitly not to discuss those specific things she mentioned, that you are pursuing, on this thread at least.
Please.

As I mentioned in my response to Blue's post to you, my initial post was not about financial progression in one's life, nor luck, not anything else you focused on at all.
My post was about Trajectories re: MH / experiences during childhood leading to such outcomes / diagnoses.

IRL maybe... you may have no problem pursuing a lines of conversation that no one wants to pursue.
It's problematic on this thread (not your thread!).
Sorry if I misled you on my first response.
I thought we might be done.

I'm 100% grateful on one level that you may not be within the realms of PTSD or C-PTSD to understand this.

I would be grateful on all levels if you could respectfully understand what we're trying to say:
a) the tangent you took is / was extremely triggering for each of us (at least)
and
b) it would be helpful if you could follow the train of ideas we present.

I had to repeat this message far more explicitly because as it appears, you still kept on about it!
After Blue's post!
Having to repeat boundaries, for me at least, is a MAJOR trigger.
In response to DV and FV (where abusers do not respect boundaries stated FYI in case you didn't realise this).

I shouldn't have to do this on my thread.
Nor should I have to rely on others to do this for me on my thread.

I found a word for this behaviour this morning, it's our WORD FOR THE DAY in my family lol!

perseveration

I wish you well
EM

[Guest9337]

Hi ecomama. Thanks for being explicit and explaining to me that I have misunderstood the initial welcome to this thread...

"Hey DNG!
YOU are MOST WELCOME to join in the discussion here! Anybody brave enough to join in can lol!
I think the "climate" of this thread is robust sharing, more or less.....
a beautiful, respectful level of disagreement that seems to end in a synergy of kinds, we all seem to learn something from.
We can disagree without offense bec no offense was intended." by ecomama.

That is the spirit of how I was responding. To have a beautiful discussion about stuff that has already been discussed within this thread. I note that my views are not welcome as they are triggering. fair enough, I will withdraw from this thread, which I respectfully accept is primarily your space.