new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

*** Trigger Warning *** - loss and grief. C-PTSD.

Dearest Grandy

When I was scared to open my Thread today, it popped on your post first and felt so much relief.

I only saw your name and began to cry.
I instantly thought of my grandmother and how much I miss her.

I had to leave, let myself cry for a while and my habit of stopping myself crying (EVEN when I'm alone) is something I'm working on... some... times... I stopped myself. Washed my face and came back.

You know what's happening with me.

My Counsellor and psych friend said at the trigger moment and even immediately after and EVEN for a couple of DAYS, only do self care. Don't ask questions of yourself. Just be kind etc.

But I didn't know I was triggering.
I had NO idea.

I just felt this DEEP hurt.
I couldn't understand it at all.

Grandy, it wasn't until my C threaded way back to my childhood and it was only THEN I could see it was a definite trigger.... and why.

Her simple questions I should mention in another post.

I'm still gobsmacked that I didn't register I was triggered.

I just need to be kind to myself.

Being kind to myself includes setting up boundaries, which is TOUGH.
Really tough.
Esp when there's a reaction from those you're setting boundaries with, as there always is!

Unless they're deeply respectful ppl and just RESPECT them!
No explanation required.

Just acceptance.

I'm immensely grateful for you Grandy.
Thankyou for comforting me in this very difficult time.

I know this thread is difficult for you, I'm so sorry you get triggered.
I would TOO if I was reading someone (or several of us) speaking of things as we do.

I miss my grandmother as she missed her own grandmother, and said so to me when I was a child.

Brings me to what Edith Eger said sic 'ALL therapy is grief therapy. Not only about what DID happen, but what didn't happen also'.

I need to cry alot more.

Love you
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey DNG

Thanks for that!

BTW there was nothing "beautiful" about the discussion. Zero.

Since you left my thread, you won't see this reply.

EM

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear EM...

I am sorry I made you cry...I didn’t mean to....I so hope your okay lovely lady...

Please don’t be sorry about triggering me...On the forums it’s no where like being triggered in real life....Keep posting here EM....you have some very caring friends on your thread that I’m sure that your thread and your story is helping many more who read only...

As you have out...you don’t realise that you were triggered into a C-PTSD downer..it happens so instantly....You’re doing so well...I’m really proud of you...

Now dear sweet lady..give yourself all that compassion, love and care to yourself....for now let the others take a back seat for a short while, until you begin to feel strong again....

I find when I cry a lot..a nice cool flannel/face washer on my face helps to cool off my sore swollen eyes....

Sending you my love, care, respect and a few very warm comforting hugs beautiful EM.....💜🌹🤗🤗🤗

Grandy....

[ecomama]

Dearest Grandy YOU didn't make me cry!

I cried tears of gratitude by seeing your post first!
When I was too scared to come in to my Thread.

I wasn't clear in my explanation of my tears, sorry!

I wanted to sink into your hugs and just bawl my eyes out.
I still do.

I came back to read what you wrote lol... then cried about missing my g/mother.
She was nowhere near as sweet and loving as you lol... but she did take care of me alot as a child.

Part of my triggers this week was around a significant event in which she didn't.

After I have dinner, I PLAN to take my water colour pencils to bed and PAPER too (no more writing on the walls which my father said was so creative when I was a child lol!).

Then do what Sleepy's Art therapist said to do.
We're getting Sleepy's money's worth out of her therapist! Well THIS one at least!

I will cry. I can't stand the headaches I get afterwards though lol.

The cold washer is a wonderful idea, thank you. I'll do that.

Since I'll be on CAMERA this week every freaking day.... whatevs. I don't really care what I look like atm.

It'll probably be COMFORTING for my community to see me without make up and NO hairdressing for months hahaha.
I might scare them though!

Dinner's ready.

Thankyou Grandy, I WILL take care of myself.
You too please.

Love always
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Dear EM,

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I strongly suspected you were feeling the same, I saw hints of it, but I'm sorry I was right.

Thank you too for visiting my threads, for being so attentive and kind when you have so much of your own crap to wade through.

I say this to be honest - I'm choking a bit on saying "I love you too" - though I do mean it. I've aced bringing these words into my relationship, I'm still working on it with friends and family, it doesn't come easy. An interesting reflection there is that when you haven't had it modelled, the only love you see is the romantic crap in movies. It's acceptable to tell your partner you love them. Society says no to the rest. I know better, but that was my info growing up, no-one told me different.

I'm cool with hugs, have worked a lot on that stuff in recent years, though my old hesitance has reasserted a bit since covid has been a thing. Old patterns like to hang on. Little Blue (aka Mini Me), though, is totally perplexed by hugs. I don't remember a single one from anyone in my childhood. My sis says Dad hugged us occasionally, I don't remember it. He does now when I see him... it feels kinda empty to me.

I worry about the people pleasing, EM. I've watched my sister do that her whole life, poor woman has twisted herself in knots to fit in and it's done nothing but hurt her. It's part of why I never developed that characteristic. As for speaking up where others don't, I dunno if that's courage or compulsion. Maybe both? LM says both.

Yes I am protective of you. You've been good to me and you don't deserve more hurt. Simple equation. And hell no, no-one will get near my Puffballs with anything but kindness in their intent! What the heck, re your chickens? I'm sorry you're getting grief over them, they are innocent chicken's for crying out loud.

Hearing you about the pressures of work and wanting to help all those families, and how hard it is to maintain balance for yourself, too. Hearing you about triggers and connections and PTSD.

You mentioned a while back a bit of research that explained part of how you broke out of the trajectories for neglected people. I would like to hear more, if you're still willing to share.

I really hope you do use those watercolour pencils, EM, that's lovely. I have meant to tell you, I have been drawing lately, some with pencil, some with oil pastels, and a little watercolour too. It's so healing.

Lively song from Puffballs.

Blue.

[Guest9337]

G'day ecomama.

I over committed when I wrote "withdraw", should have more eloquently said, return when I recoup from my triggered feelings about being dismissed. I aim to update my perception of beauty and thus I've finished up to page 7 now.

glhf, love dng.

[ecomama]

FAITH

I missed Sabbath yesterday. Praying the following Prayer:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

“Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

“In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”
(Ephesians 6:10-18)

"No weapon formed against me shall prosper"

"Resist the devil and he will flee from you"

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer"

"If God is for me who can be against me"

"Be still and know that I am God".

We must not allow the devil to pollute our hearts. Focus instead on beauty love all things good.

Many Blessings
EM

[ecomama]

Dearest Blue, I LOVE YOU TOO! Huge long hugs with mini me.

I hear you Blue. I really hear you on so many levels.

I will share what I know or believe about Schemas / trajectories, but it's probably so limited I do little grace to the gifts of this knowledge. I'll reflect upon this and come back later on these.
Alexa says, when we tune into a person's energy we can "stream consciousness" as truth to this person.
No she's not religious lol. She's well read in almost ALL religions but isn't religious. I need to Pray on this.

Wow hey? Look what's happening lol.

You and I never having ANY ONE say "I love you" to mini me and little em... is so weird to think of, now that parenting styles have progressed in GOODNESS so dramatically since then.

You asked How do we even DO this? ie access our mini me and little em? ...
we imagine being WITH them, right in that moment, we KNOW instinctively what they need right now (you and I are loving pet owners so we can do this)... wipe their little tears... cry with them... hold them, say I love you. wrap them up in warm blankets.

We do this.
We respond APPROPRIATELY (as our parents did not) and give our little selves what they need.

This inner child work is reputable. Researched.
Seems spiritual but what is more spiritual than healing our own damaged spirit as BEAUTIFUL INNOCENT vulnerable children dependent upon the adults around us for our basic needs and fall wanting?
Nothing is more important.

If this work means play? PLAY.
If it means smiling? SMILE REALLY BIG to our little girls.
If it means running in bushlands? then do this.

Paint, draw, meet our own needs, wonder at the shape of clouds.

We have deficits to FILL to the brim and to over flowing Blue. We have some fun and confronting work to do but nothing is more worthwhile and from this we will nurture our worthiness and grow it.

before I sign off, I was more interested in how the Trajectories were NOT adhered to ie in the cases of you and I!
How? !

I know for myself I had many extended family members, not all the time lol, often.
I was given Faith. I had hope and Prayed.

I invented "a process" around 8yo.... I did it often and taught my own children how to do it.
My C actually told me about it THIS week, I said I already did that from 8yo... she asked me how I knew about it.
I just thought of it.

I will explain THAT when I get back.

Love always
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, yes ppl pleasing.. stems from childhood apparently lol.

My friend R & I just went for our Sunday walk and talk! hahaha.
Poodle hurt his paw, I tried to find what the problem was but he chewed on it and is now napping next to me lol.

Re: schemas. My C doesn't know much about schemas, doesn't profess to know how to "treat" someone talking of enmeshment etc.
She's a DV / FV counsellor, so she talks in real terms like "abusive actions" etc...

Exploring schemas for a while, we could probably do this FOR-EVER hahaha.

Pondering on the schema you mentioned in your safe thread lol, emotional deprivation, it's obvious what happened.

BUT I also KNOW 100% that ONE key element of successful people (termed very loosely lol, because EVERY ONE has their own measures of success) is their ability to enact delayed gratification.
Simply put, denying oneself immediate pleasures, or even necessities at times, to support a BIGGER goal we aim for later on.

See how it's possible (only possible) for a child who'd experienced emotional deprivation COULD be pretty expert at delayed gratification?

Make any sense?

I'm not saying it's totally mentally healthy to do it all the time. But I do think we both did / do it.

What I say to my kids when I need to... they get the parallel because we're organic gardeners lol.
"What do we do when life gives us sh**?"

They answer: We turn it into fertiliser.

We turned THAT one schema into fertiliser in our material world at least.. our working life.. our saving for a home.. our extreme, to some lol, financial management.
NB: Everyone I know has said "I wouldn't do that" meaning they have LESS ability / desire / motivation to enact delayed gratification than I do.

But I also think we did more with it. We did whatever humanly possible to love our pets, care for them, never deprive them of our emotional touch and connection. I cannot COUNT the rescue animals I've taken in. Hundreds of them. Most were neglected / abused.

YOU and I go the EXTRA miles to care for our pets.
NB: SO MANY ppl on BB forums do too! Have you noticed that?

Did we all suffer emotional deprivation as children? = our need to LOVE our pets?
We could do a survey lol but I don't want to.

Plants too... same.

I'll wait for your response on that one and we can talk for x long about it.

Then NEXT.. Systematically going down the list THEN "sharpening the saw" as Covey said.
Going back and adding, recapping whatever we need.

Have a beautiful SUNDAY!
EMxxxx

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear EM...

Thank you so much for reassuring me that I didn’t say anything to hurt you....I was concerned that I did...I dislike hurting anyone...

Thank you for the beautiful prayer...I used it in prayer today, it is a very powerful and beautifully calming as well....

Many Blessing to you lovely lady..

Grandy..